OK help please

wolfpawnat

Gareth37 wrote: »

However, in this case her sister has asked her to make friends with her mother. Now, if her sister has given this advice then how could me or you go against this.

I think this whole "locked in a room" has been blown out of all proportion.

I was locked into the house not a room. And yes I had to call the gardai to get out and thankfully my mother was stupid enough to still have the door locked when they arrived.

If you read my original posts, this wasnt a once off thing, I kept goinng back again and again thinking she had calmed don, but it only got worse. It was not something I did brashly, I didnt even go straight to my boyfriend, I took a few days to think about what had happened before even going to him

Gareth37

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I was locked into the house not a room. And yes I had to call the gardai to get out and thankfully my mother was stupid enough to still have the door locked when they arrived.

If you read my original posts, this wasnt a once off thing, I kept goinng back again and again thinking she had calmed don, but it only got worse. It was not something I did brashly, I didnt even go straight to my boyfriend, I took a few days to think about what had happened before even going to him

I didn't realise that she abused you on a regular basis. Im very sorry to hear this.

I hope things work out for you so that you are at least happy with the situation.

Best wishes with your child btw

shellyboo

Gareth37 wrote: »

Yes, but don't you given people a 2nd chance? Im sure her mother doesn't do this all the time, she did it in a heated argument to stop her daughter walking out of her life.

Not when violence is involved, no. If this was a man who'd grabbed her, would you still be condoning it? I most certainly hope not.

Gareth37 wrote: »

One mistake and thats it for life? :eek: You never fought with your brothers?

One violent mistake, yes. Violence is never, ever acceptable. And she's been enduring mental abuse from her mother for years.

Have I fought with my brother? Actually, no. Perhaps over the TV remote, but never to the extent where he grabbed me and lock me up?I have never fought with anyone to that extent, least of all my brother.

Gareth37 wrote: »

If your sister is telling you to make it up with your mother then surely you may consider talking things out with your mother before deciding on a very important decision?

I think this is pretty irresponsible advice. I don't think that at 6 months pregnant she should be going near anyone who has physically abused her in the past, it's risky to say the least. Even if her mother doesn't attack her again, it's bound to result in a huge argument, and I'm sure the OP doesn't need the stress.

The OP's mother made a really heinous mistake in lashing out against her daughter. The OP has no obligation to forgive her... the onus is on her mother to make it up to her. But if the OP wants nothing to do with her, then that's her right.

Lollipops23

[QUOTE=Gareth37;58113351

Why do mothers make our lives a living hell?

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?[/QUOTE]

just because they gave birth does not make them wise

there are plenty of parents/older people who are stupid,ignorant and naive. how can someone decide that just beacause they brought a child into the world does not make them infallible!

LolaDub

Generally i think people try to put their best foot forward when they become parents. Unfortunately some people fail and at the end of the day all parents are still human. I find it hard to see how your mother still believes herself to be in the right? Surely she knows deep down what she did was wrong especially as the gardai had to get you out of the house. Do you have any reason to think she may have changed?

jim o doom

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Right, lets start at the beginning, I was raised by my mum since I was 4, so I alway did what I was told because she was very bossy!

When she decided after her divorce from my father when I was 17 to move from Cork city to Dingle I jut upped and left, in the middle of my leaving cert year, leaving my friends, she never asked my or my sister (3years my junior) our thoughts or ideas, we just obeyed.

I didnt do a great leaving cert and a result I decided to move back to Cork and repeated it in a plc college. There is where I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He had similar likes to me and was the first person to ever make me question my mothers authority.

He came to Dingle one weekend and the whole time my mother kept saying we were destitute and that my father was the root of all evil, while chain smoking, drinking wine as though we owned a vineyard and took us out for meals the entire time in our brand new renault clio. I nearly died of shame!

When he came again for new years, my mother was never home and she ignored him the one afternoon she was there. My boyfriend and I had an argument on new years night, which can happen and my mother accused me of submitting to his every command, he demanded nothing from me for the record.

For my 21st in Feb, I was working in Galway and my bday landed on a friday. I took the day off work to go to Cork to have a family meal with a good friend of ours, I never got to choose where my bday meal was or who was invited. My mother and sister went crazy when I said I wanted my boyfriend of over a year there! We decided to have a sleep in the morning of my bday and to head down in the afternoon, but my boyfriend had a huge nose leed so we were delayed longer than expected, for my whole bday dinner I was not spoken to by my mother and boyfriend was given filthy looks.

Then things really hit the fan, I fell down some of the stairs due to drink and had to be admitted to hospital, my mother rang the hospital and told them my boyfriend was abusive in the relationship and that he pushed me down the stairs!

Then in May I was in Dingle in the family home and because I didnt want to live in Dingle for the summer, my mother locked me into the house and threathened to have me sectioned because I was irrational, because I tried to pushed past her to get to the door with my hands full of my most prized possessions she grabbed me by the head and throat and refused to let me leave, I finally got out and have not returned since.

Now heres the kicker, I am now 6 months pregnant and with the baby on the way I have had my sister saying I HAVE to get in contact with my mother, but with external support I dont need to talk to a woman that made my life a living hell.

Any ideas on what I should do?

The way I see it is this - stay away from the abusive & controlling mother, COMPLETELY. Cut off contact entirely, she has obviously got problems of her own, something you DO NOT need foisted upon your child (prior or post birth). If you do want to let her know at any stage, about the child - I would at the very least wait until after the child is born. Also, one thing that would concern me - if she is mentally unstable enough to attack you & dislikes your boyfriend so much, she might try to stop you leaving with the child, were you to visit her - not a situation you want. If you do decide to meet her (once again pre or post baby), do it with your boyfriend or some other strong male support who can defend you if need be. Really though, I would just stay well away. oh and I wish you the best with the new baby:)

wolfpawnat

LolaDub wrote: »

Do you have any reason to think she may have changed?

Truthfully no, I know everytime I post I make her sound even worse! She used to get Private Investigators on my father and I know I may be paranoid but my boyfriend and I notice that a few times we would be in different places and this one man is there so we think she may be sending one after us too!

We would be playing golf and one part of the course is near the road and a Cork reg car would wait there until we left - we were in Clare.
Another day the man from that car was in Jurys in Limerick while we were there.
We would be going for a walk and a man would walk behind us the whole time, am I paranoid or something!?

LolaDub

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Truthfully no, I know everytime I post I make her sound even worse! She used to get Private Investigators on my father and I know I may be paranoid but my boyfriend and I notice that a few times we would be in different places and this one man is there so we think she may be sending one after us too!

We would be playing golf and one part of the course is near the road and a Cork reg car would wait there until we left - we were in Clare.
Another day the man from that car was in Jurys in Limerick while we were there.
We would be going for a walk and a man would walk behind us the whole time, am I paranoid or something!?

How is your relationship with your sister? Would you be able to honestly ask her?

jim o doom

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Truthfully no, I know everytime I post I make her sound even worse! She used to get Private Investigators on my father and I know I may be paranoid but my boyfriend and I notice that a few times we would be in different places and this one man is there so we think she may be sending one after us too!

We would be playing golf and one part of the course is near the road and a Cork reg car would wait there until we left - we were in Clare.
Another day the man from that car was in Jurys in Limerick while we were there.
We would be going for a walk and a man would walk behind us the whole time, am I paranoid or something!?

Well from the sounds of it (and especially concerning because she used the same tactic against your dad) - I wouldn't be particularily surprised if she was using an investigator. I would consider contacting the police about an invasion of privacy & harrasment. Take down the details of the number plate, report to the police - the fact that they had to intervene to get you out of your mothers house previously, is also on your side. There is a slim chance you are being paranoid (with all the madness you have had to deal with so far) - but you realise that you could possibly be being paranoid; this makes it more likely (in my mind) that you are being tailed. It sounds like a horrible situation - but you seem to be handling it well; take anything under advisement before action is taken

Victor

If you aren't the original psoter, can I ask people to not hog the thread.

wolfpawnat

I hate it. I am trying to get on with my life but I actually have to watch my back physically everyday. I just want to live a normal life. even though I may just be being parnoid because of previous experiences, it is putting alot of strain on me.

My boyfriend and his family get very pissed off at the thought that they may be being watched when I am around, which I can understand completely. I hate it myself.

SpookyDoll

You need to totally cut your Mother out of your life, she is a toxic lunatic.

Get a restraining order against her if you have to and use the law to show her she cannot stalk you or harass you in any way.

Be strong and stand firm, dont feed into her drama whatever you do.

Never allow anyone else to control you or make decisions for you.

Read "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"

[Jackass]

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Right, lets start at the beginning, I was raised by my mum since I was 4, so I alway did what I was told because she was very bossy!

When she decided after her divorce from my father when I was 17 to move from Cork city to Dingle I jut upped and left, in the middle of my leaving cert year, leaving my friends, she never asked my or my sister (3years my junior) our thoughts or ideas, we just obeyed.

I didnt do a great leaving cert and a result I decided to move back to Cork and repeated it in a plc college. There is where I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He had similar likes to me and was the first person to ever make me question my mothers authority.

He came to Dingle one weekend and the whole time my mother kept saying we were destitute and that my father was the root of all evil, while chain smoking, drinking wine as though we owned a vineyard and took us out for meals the entire time in our brand new renault clio. I nearly died of shame!

When he came again for new years, my mother was never home and she ignored him the one afternoon she was there. My boyfriend and I had an argument on new years night, which can happen and my mother accused me of submitting to his every command, he demanded nothing from me for the record.

For my 21st in Feb, I was working in Galway and my bday landed on a friday. I took the day off work to go to Cork to have a family meal with a good friend of ours, I never got to choose where my bday meal was or who was invited. My mother and sister went crazy when I said I wanted my boyfriend of over a year there! We decided to have a sleep in the morning of my bday and to head down in the afternoon, but my boyfriend had a huge nose leed so we were delayed longer than expected, for my whole bday dinner I was not spoken to by my mother and boyfriend was given filthy looks.

Then things really hit the fan, I fell down some of the stairs due to drink and had to be admitted to hospital, my mother rang the hospital and told them my boyfriend was abusive in the relationship and that he pushed me down the stairs!

Then in May I was in Dingle in the family home and because I didnt want to live in Dingle for the summer, my mother locked me into the house and threathened to have me sectioned because I was irrational, because I tried to pushed past her to get to the door with my hands full of my most prized possessions she grabbed me by the head and throat and refused to let me leave, I finally got out and have not returned since.

Now heres the kicker, I am now 6 months pregnant and with the baby on the way I have had my sister saying I HAVE to get in contact with my mother, but with external support I dont need to talk to a woman that made my life a living hell.

Any ideas on what I should do?

She's a fu*king loon man. What else is there to say? Do you seriously want that sh*t in your childs life?

wolfpawnat

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Get a restraining order against her if you have to and use the law to show her she cannot stalk you or harass you in any way.

Be strong and stand firm, dont feed into her drama whatever you do

Oh god she loves her drama. anything that makes her look like a victim is always good in her books.

Question can you actually get a restraining order without any physical proof of them harming you, there was never any bruises, but that doesnt mean I havent had problems. also I still have the names of the gardai I spoke to regarding her on different occasions.

estar

you dont necessarily need a relationship with your mother. it would be nice in a different situation to have her around to support you, but it seems like your mother is like a mother of a friend of mine. my friend is now happy as anything in australia. i take it you are now over 18, therefore its now time to take some space, and break the cycle of going back for more emotional and physical abuse.

my friends mother spent all her life controlling her, putting her down, playing the sympathy card, sabotagin opportunities with her needs, and my friend dealt with this through hurting herself and putting up with it. then she met a strong man, who took her away, thank god, and she is now thriving, and only has phone contact with her mother.

many people don't have regular in your face contact wity family. why do you think so many people emigrate.

you have spent all your life dealing with a big baby. now you will only have to deal with a little one.

put yourself first. dont let guilt be something that affects you. put your face to the road and keep on walking.

maybe some day you will be able to be in contact again, but only when they know so little of you their opinion is no longer valid.

you need space time and determination to make this happen.

would your father support you, or want contact? he if he knows what she is like and is reliable could be a really good ally?

wolfpawnat

I have no real relationship with either parent, I have been brought up mostly by my uncle, he is the one to teach me right from wrong and he is the one that has always been there for me.

Both my parents see me and the baby as a feck load of benefits payments. This bsby to them is a euro sign, not a child. My dad nearly got a train to Dub because I said I was having the baby here and not in Cork like he wanted. He rather his wife in the delivery ward with me than my boyfriend.