Conspiracy Theory Test

moogester

CONSPIRACY THEORY TEST

(- or how crazy are you?)

How receptive are you to conspiracy theories?
Do you believe what you read in the papers or do you prefer to get your facts from the internet?
Is the truth Out There or in a secret file somewhere?
Is the real story there for all to see or known only to a shadowy cabal?
Do you swallow everything you're told or do you think They are out to get you?
And who do you think They are anyway?
Take our Conspiracy Theory test and find out.


First, we need a little information about you for our files.
What's your name? ______________

What's your e-mail address? ____________

Was that your REAL name and e-mail address?
__ Yes
__ No
__ Could be


SECTION ONE: BASICS

JFK

1. Who killed JFK?
__ Oswald acting alone
__ A conspiracy of Cuban emigres, rogue CIA elements and P2 masons
__ That Zapruder man - a camera would be a good place to conceal a weapon
__ Who cares? He killed Marilyn
__ Only a fool imagines JFK is dead

ROSWELL

2. What's the story with Roswell?
__ Imaginative hicks creating a tourist industry
__ Cover-up of aliens crash-landing
__ The military testing pioneering stealth technology
__ I haven't been watching it - not as good as Buffy


SECTION TWO: POWER

3. Who controls the world?
__ We the people
__ Multinationals
__ The Illuminati
__ The Jews
__ The Freemasons
__ The Catholics
__ The Amish
__ Aliens
__ My wife, as far as I'm concerned

4. What do They aim to do with their power?
__ Just keep things pottering along pretty much as they have been
__ Turn the world into a prison
__ Implant microchips in our heads
__ Implant alien embryos in our bodies
__ Persecute ME personally and put their thoughts in my mind
__ Make us worship Satan/Cthulhu/the eight-armed squid-god of Deneb IV
__ Use it to get the best tables in restaurants and tickets to hit shows
__ Make me redecorate the bathroom, take the garbage out and be nice to her mother


SECTION THREE

YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

5. Is your social security number
__ A necessary means to an efficient social welfare net?
__ An unwarrantable intrusion of government into private life?
__ The fulfillment of that bit in the Book of Revelations about the Mark of the Beast?
__ The alien equivalent of a 'Best Consumed Before' date?


FLUORIDATED WATER
6. Is fluoridated water
__ Good on health grounds?
__ Bad on health grounds?
__ A Communist conspiracy to sap our moral and physical strength?
__ The alien equivalent of artificial flavouring?


CROP CIRCLES

7. What is your opinion on crop circles?
__ Just something they do to pass the time in places without bars and nightclubs
__ Messages from a sinister alien intelligence that communicates by mathematical abstractions
__ Make pretty album covers for bands like R.E.M.
__ The military testing a stealth combine harvester


CATTLE MUTILATION

8. What is your opinion on cattle mutilations?
__ Something else they do to pass the time in places without bars and nightclubs
__ Messages from a sinister alien intelligence that communicates by being mean to cows
__ Make pretty album covers for bands like Megadeth
__ The military testing a stealth combine harvester that got a bit out of control


SECTION FOUR:

MEDIA NEWSPAPERS AND TV

9. Who controls what gets into the newspapers and TV?
__ Right-wing proprietors
__ Left-wing media liberals
__ A little-known organization called Bureau X, which has outposts on seven continents and the tenth planet of the solar system


MICROSOFT

10. What is your opinion of Bill Gates?
__ Geek-boy made good
__ A hero of free enterprise, and rock n' roll and urgent sweaty sex personified
__ Megalomaniac wannabe Bond-villain who sells your private surfing information to the government
__ Actually a hairless alien freak from an advanced civilization who is running a high-tech patents scam like David Bowie in 'The Man Who Fell To Earth' in order to buy up all Earth's water for his dying planet


THE X-FILES

11. While watching an episode of 'The X-Files', you are most likely to think:
__ It's a shame those two don't get long
__ Why do I watch this crap?
__ Why does my geeky boyfriend make me watch this crap?
__ At last, a programme that tells it like it is
__ They look Jewish. Everyone in TV is Jewish
__ I was the one who had the idea for this show, but the producers stole it from my brain while I slept. I must never sleep again


THE MATRIX
12. What was your reaction to the film 'The Matrix'?
__ Keanu/the ass-kicking babe is hot
__ I just know that at the end of the film my geeky boyfriend is going to say, __ 'Hey! What if we really ARE in a Matrix?'
__ At last, a film that tells it like it is
__ I bet Keanu is Amish. Everyone in movies is Amish
SECTION FIVE: HISTORICAL

THE GREAT PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT

13. Who built the pyramids?
__ Aliens
__ The kind of work-proud contractors you just can't find these days
__ Who cares? They're made of polystyrene anyway


SHAKESPEARE

14. Who wrote the plays of Shakespeare?
__ Shakespeare
__ Bacon
__ De Vere
__ Wilhelmina Shakespeare, a female victim of a white male conspiracy
__ They will be written by a time-traveller


JACK THE RIPPER

15. Who was Jack the Ripper and why did he kill?
__ An anonymous gentleman, probably a surgeon, warped by the repressed sexuality of the era
__ An alien, to feed on psychic energy
__ A member of the Royal Family, possibly the Prince of Wales, to feed on psychic energy, because the British royal family are all aliens (look at Charles' ears for God's sake)


THE GULF WAR

16. Was the Gulf War:
__ A necessary intervention to uphold democracy and safeguard strategic interests?
__ A neo-colonialist outrage by the capitalist conspiracy in which the lives of the proletariat were sacrificed to defend oil profits?
__ Shot in the same studios where they faked the Moon Landing and the Holocaust?


SECTION SIX

SENSITIVITY TO SUBLIMINAL BRAINWASHING

17. What is a fnord?
__ A Norwegian inlet
__ An invisible hypnotic command word used by our secret rulers to provoke instinctive unease
__ What is a what? I didn't see anything. It just said, 'What is a ' and then nothing. There's a bit missing. I feel uneasy.

18. What's wrong with the following passage?

'I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and YOU nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on MUST the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start KILL to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have JOHN to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's LENNON crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.'

__ Nothing much
__ It's full of adolescent self-pity
__ You didn't ask J.D. Salinger for permission to quote it
__ I can't obey it as Lennon is already dead


SECTION SEVEN

YOUR GENERAL LEVEL OF PARANOIA

19. Your mother pays you a surprise visit. Do you:
__ Welcome her in, hug her, fix her a drink, etc?
__ Ask her if she's alone?
__ Get your alleged 'mother' in a headlock, stick a gun in her mouth and threaten to blow her head off unless she recites her maiden name and birthdate backwards in the next ten seconds?
__ Blow her head off on general principles - your real mother knows better than to visit without giving the pre-arranged code signal?
__ Chloroform her and trepan her skull to search for alien implants?

20. You're at a party and an attractive member of the opposite sex asks you for your phone number. Do you:
__ Give it to them?
__ Give them a false one?
__ Punch them in the face, leave the party quickly, change taxis twice on the way home, burn your house down and move to another country?
__ Go along with it in the hope they'll have sex with you, then blow their head off before they can betray you?
__ Get them blind drunk and trepan their skull to search for alien implants?


SECTION EIGHT

ADVANCED NUTTINESS

21. Have you ever dismantled your toaster to search for surveillance devices?
__ Yes
__ No
__ No, but I'm careful only to voice bland, happy sentiments when near it
__ Only a fool imagines toasters aren't sentient lifeforms

22. Take a long, close look at your socks. How sure are you that they're the exact same pair you put on this morning and that no-one's replaced them with a different but similar pair at some point?
__ 100% sure
__ 90% sure
__ Not at all sure, now that you mention it
__ I'm alarmed that you know I'm wearing socks
__ I'm not wearing socks as they're a government plot to stifle your chakras or something


SCORES
I've assigned numerical values to the various responses but I have no idea how to make them add up using HTML

YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY RECEPTIVITY RATING:

-0 - 35 LOW
35 - 70 MIDDLING
Over 70 HIGH

HOW YOU RATE:

LOW - A bit complacent, aren't you? All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds, hmm? What you don't know can't hurt you. Ignorance is bliss. It won't save you. People like you will be the first against the wall when it all goes down.

MIDDLING - More savvy. Your eyes are open to the nature of the beast,
but you like to weigh up all the evidence rather than making rash uninformed pronouncements.
It still won't save you.

HIGH - You are a lunatic. Unfortunately, you are right. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you. Speaking of which, our government controllers tracked your terminal some time ago. Expect a call from men in black.

Mahatma coat

:eek: beware :eek:

this smells like a sinister lizzzzzzard plot, first they harvest your details, then your delicious brain

also, how do I ge this moved to the CT forum :D

GAAman

Mahatma coat wrote: »

:eek: beware :eek:

this smells like a sinister lizzzzzzard plot, first they harvest your details, then your delicious brain

also, how do I ge this moved to the CT forum :D

Bólox to that pal this is obviously the crab people!!:eek:

rocky25

No it's not, it's my Army Of Spiders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MB69ODQ6kqY

Mahatma coat

I for one welcome our new Hakka'in Spider Overlords