The most stupid thing you heard in school?

PrettyInPunk

Varkov wrote: »

Not so much stupid, as absolutly hilarious. This was compiled from my mates french teacher.


>"Dan kissane and Ciran fitzgerald, you are a bunch of ****-wits."

>"Basically Ciran you're an asshole"

>"if this passage was about birds and gees you'd know every ****ing word of it"

>"if you think im waiting around after school for you cocksuckers to do a ****ing mock, you can shove it up your arsehole"

>"you'll need the verb 'louer', it means to rent, when you become a rent-boy and sell your ass to old French men"

>"hopefully i wont be around next year, and i don't mean dead. but **** it ill take that anyway"

>On jocking people in school: "i wouldn't mind being jocked because i would sue the school, sue the guy who did it and id sue the parents of the guy, **** it ill sue everybody"

>"**** off ciaran, get the **** out of my class"

>on Republcanism: "i support Celtic, therefore i am a Republican"

>"look at the ****ing sentence Ciaran or ill put your head in the ****ing wall"

>"Garret, i know this is a strange concept to you, but could you do some work today if its not too difficult"

>Paddy, you are mudering this language, you are raping the French language"

>"is that porn Garret? you knoe the rule, i have to see it too"

>"on study methods: "if you're in your room studying and listening to music, forget about it. Close the book and have a ****"

>"you're sitting down there with the paper and your Liverpool jersey, you may as well be fisting yourself Ciaran"

>to Cian Healy: "are you taking your mickey out?"

>"Ciaran are you afraid of the vagina? you have to embrace the vagina"

>"its possible to **** 13 times a day but there would be alot of dry wretching"

>"Whats your bird's name Daniel? Fabienne is it? She must be a traveller"

>"Fitzgerald and all the other guys here who don't know 'chercher', 'falloir' or any of these verbs,ive had enough, **** you all"

>"if people dont pay attention im going to close the book, read the newspaper, and you can **** right off... if you people dont want to work, do something enjoyable, **** off and have a ****!"

>on essay topics: "Tell an interesting story like, i was walking down the beach and my cock fell off"

>"You have done nothing all class Ciaran, except **** on people, you are an asshole"

>from an unknown context: "one of the best things you can do in life is **** in a bag"

>"Nobody has the work done? Ok. Officially, **** you all, **** your leaving cert"

honestly made my day, hilarious

callaway92

jiltloop wrote: »

Well it depends on the slope really doesn't it.

no..the formula I gave was the equation of a line

Busi_Girl08

Just remembered another one from 1st year History. We were discussing the Titanic.

One girl chimes in "I heard a story about this woman who had this really rare necklace on the boat, and everyone thought she died and it was lost forever but she turned up after the Titanic was found and dumped the necklace in the sea".

It must be an interesting mind-set....not being able to decipher movies from reality

iLoveTwilight

Double French class in 6th year and our teacher left to get a cup of coffee .. Course the lads started messing , bags were turned inside out and pencil cases were thrown around the room as ya do .. Anyways Miss comes back in and sees the lads everyone killling each other and says

"You boys are worse than the Juniors .. so immature ..
Taking each others pencil cases , throwing bags around the room and
my personal favourite drawing penis's everywhere !!" Had us in stitches

Tar.Aldarion

4 years into learning frenc a dozy ****er asks the french teacher can she speak french. She looks horrified/shocked saying yes and he asks her to speak some.
He was the kinda guy that just stared into space with his mouth open.

Tar.Aldarion

Some from a teacher in my secondary:

-''A cup of tea, two sugars, three biscuits and six million jews''

-''okay lads, hitler killed 6 millions jews, imagine you buy a mars bar, times that by 6 million and put them on front of ya, 6 million lads, alot of jews''

-''....so I'd put the fire on on, and just stare at the wall that I built myself!''

-''Around the 90s, grunge started to get popular, going out would be similar to the the rugby club, blow off some steam in the mosh pit, get a broken nose, good craic!''

-''...But yeah, myself and the wife were in San Francisco around the Castro district....... yes back to the wall..... and it you couldn't feel more safe''

-''Yeah, I went to see Pearl Jam early in the 90s, and yeah it was mad! I managed to crowd surf the width of the Summerhill yard, until Eddie Vedder said they wouldn't play until we stopped!''

-''...as much as I would love to have class on the grass, I don't think the school would. Besides, everyone passing will think we're hippies, it's bad enough for me!''

-''.....Woodbines isn't like the fags you'd see teenagers smoking like Malobro, I think I had one when i was..... 12? Strong stuff! Real old man fag!''

-''If I were to be subtle to Michael here, i'd say 'wow! this haircut really worked out for me', as opposed to 'get a haircut, you hippy'' *everyone laughs* ''Not that I can say anything about it!!!''

-''Bread wars lads BREAD WARS!''

-''Sorry lads, I jus gotta look for a new head for my banjo, be with yer in a few mins''

-''So when the loom came about during the industrial revolution, cloths became cheaper, and we're produced in greater numbers. Just LOOK at my jumper!''

-''Any Iron Maiden fans here? Yeah, you'll hear that same speach at the start of Aces High''

-''Lads, that homework will take me a while cause I'm not doing it over the weekend cause frankly lads, 'i miss my banjo'''

-''...I think I'll be getting a divorce if I get another banjo''

-''I don't think my wife would be too happy if that were my girlfriend''

-''Lads last time I was in Amsterdam, I noticed that nobody closes their curtains.
You'd be walking down the street and you could look in at the middle of the night and see people eating, watchin tv, sleeping, ehhhhh.....''

-''Chris brown could be good for advertising to teenagers..oh but he beat up that girl didn't he. ..?''

-''....so I said ''I went to a school from 1892, and live in a famine cottage from the 1840s, I'm not impressed by a stadium from 1917'''

-"Lads, you need to get writin' some good essays, I'm sick of seeing ones like; "I am a gladiator. I like watching chariot races and I like sausages", It's not good enough"

-"Tally Ho!Cup of tea!We'll fight on the hills and the beaches!British bulldog!Wavin' the flag!Tally Ho!Cup of tea!We'll fight on the hills and the beaches!British bulldog.......Cup of tea......and all that crap"

-''Wen't to an Amish village, and my god! The simplicity of it! The men dressed in all black, had beards and a round hat..... I have to say, they are the grooviest people going''

-''I wouldn't consider myself a big poetry fan, I only have like, 30 poetry books''

-''....Like Mohammad Ali's famous qoute, ''I have no problem with the Viet Cong, none of them ever called me a........''
-Me-''.....******

-"See lads you don't notice a flower wilting.. its like ya get married and its all goin great then a year down the line ya start to notice that your not holdin hands anymore another year and your not sleepin together asd much anymore and ye'r fightin over a cup of tea like.. and then ye stay together cause of the kids and all ya want to do is rip each others heads off lads... things happen over time without ya noticin!"

-''....basicly, the only certian thing is that EVERYONE's going to die, and there's nothing to stop it....... so, started class on a good note!''

-''....right so, see ya at Rory Galligher fest. lads.''

Jev/N

Something from 1st year accounting class...

One of the lads wasn't the brightest and was day-dreaming constantly.

Anyway we were having an introduction into how the whole debit and credit system and our teacher has us taking down step by step instructions on how it worked.

So this poor guy, not having been paying much attention, asks one of the lads next to him to repeat the last bit as he hadn't caught it.

Cue the other guy quoting randomly "Captain's log, Stardate 41534.7..." to which he copied this exactly, even asking him to repeat the numbers!

He hadn't a clue for ages until he realised it didn't fit in with what the was being taught and even asked the teacher before he copped!

Ruu_Old

A Biology class moment from my slightly slower classmate.

"That women on the telly had an organism!" :eek:

Daemos

Our metalwork teacher convinced most of our first year class that he was schitsophrenic with multiple personalities, and that he believed that dust bunnies lived in the presses, and that he had to charge up the hammers to make them go bang when they hit something.

One lad in my class mistakenly called Protestants prostitutes.

When one joker in our English class laughed at the word 'doorknob', our legend of a teacher said "For those of you who weren't raised on the street, a knob is a slang term for the penis".

In 2nd year English, I was asked to come up with a word with 'fore' as the prefix (forehead, for example). Unfortunately, foreplay was the only one I could think of.

In Art:
Student A: What's that smell?
Student B: Aw, that's the smell of cum from when I was riding <teachers name> against the wall. She was like, oh yeah <student name>, harder, yeah yeah yeah
Sadly, that teacher was standing behind him when he said it, and Student A knew but didn't warn him :P

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4

Quint wrote: »

Scooter died after the took 17 ecstacy tabs

think i herd that one!

one guy on the school bus was arguing with a girl, he shouts "well at least i dont stick tampons up my arse!" que the whole bus going silent in shock for a second before the whole bus started laughing, including the driver! Then one of the LC girls responded, "aghh, <insert name>, thats not where they go!"

chachabinx

foxy06 wrote: »

Friend told me in school if you give a boy a bj you have the baby out your mouth.............Anyone confirm???:pac:

I hope for both your sakes that was primary school

chachabinx

Riddle101 wrote: »

TBH that would happen if they had teeth, daddy-longlegs have the most deadly venom in the world but can't administer it due to having no teeth. Quoted from Ricky Gervais

This was made up to see how quick & vast rumours are spread... looks like it worked!

Fizman

We had a legend of a business teacher in 1st and 2nd year. He was constantly freaking out, and when he got p1ssed he'd shout at the individual "Get out to my office".

His 'office' was of course the hallway/corridor. Tbh if I read through this thread there is a fair chance I'd come across several references to this man.

Loopy

I didnt wear my uniform in one day.
The outraged teacher roared at me 'Where is your uniform'?
I said its wet miss.
And what exactly does that mean, she says..
Well Miss, when something is wet its means it hasn't dried yet.
Detention.

ZzubZzub

A girl in my year being asked what the capital of England was....

She answered Scotland.
Ughhhhhh.


The same girl kept calling Pythagoras' theorem "Pandora's' Theorem" and fully believed it was right, ever correcting me once when I asked about Pythagoras' theorem, in a really bitchy know-it-all tone.

/facepalm

Nettie

Emmsy wrote: »

Biology - The Reproduction Chapters

'Sir, sir, ya know if you're pregnant, and you have sex while you're pregnant, can ya get pregnant like aswell - with two babies?'

Actualy, that's happened someone receintly! Look it up if you don't believe me.

RMD

Happened today in Irish. Teacher was explaing sheimus and urus and all that stuff, came to the old "add a h to nouns beginning with a consonant but never a vowel" or something along those lines.

Guy puts up his hand "Miss.....whats a consonant"......

Whole class broke up laughing, funny thing this guy is in honours English and teaches English to foreigners as well.

Had a ex-nun for an Irish teacher in 1st year, told us "Lads, masturbation is the devils work of trying to castrate yiz and stop the human race from breathing". she was a firm believer of the theory it turns you blind and makes your hand fall off.

Donny5

RMD wrote: »

she was a firm believer of the theory it turns you blind and makes your hand fall off.

A firm belief, indeed.

chachabinx

In 3rd year Geography we convinced one of my friends that you could bring your geography book into the Junior Cert.
It was one of those classes where you could see the steam coming out of the teachers ears & everyone in the class was trying their best not to laugh (which makes you laugh even harder with tears coming out of your eyes) and of course my mate puts up her hand...
"miss, can you bring your Geography book into the Junior Cert?"

SHE WENT CRAZY... WE LAUGHED!

Lux23

Evolution...crazy stuff altogether. I had more time for tha fella who turned water into wine and rose from the dead.

GrizzlyMan

A (blonde) girl once asked one of the lads: 'Where the Hobbits around before or after the dinosaurs'

Tellox

Catholic Brother's Primary school.. where to start.

There was the oldest brother in there (around 80 odd back then - completely senile, and still going to this day.) Only ever brought in to teach classes when there was a shortage of both Teachers and Substitutes. Man could silence a room with his stare. He came out with a few absolute gems in his time;

"No lads, the stars and the sun revolve around the earth. This is how Monday got it's name - the people would pray to the Sun God Mun (pronounced Mewn) on Sunday, so they'd be praying for Mun to bring the Sun up on Monday on Sunday. But back then it was called Munday, and eventually people just said Munday so much it became Monday."

"You're all looking well. Apart from you, you're fat."

"When you're colouring in this picture I don't want to see any Black in the picture. Black is an awful dreadful colour. Colour the roads in grey, and don't colour it in like it's night time. It's not night time. I'll tell you if it ever is."

"I'm only here because your teacher told me she'd give me fifty pound if she didn't have to come in for a week."

After lunch one day..
"Now lads, your teacher had no money and couldn't eat today. So when she comes in, rub your tummies and shout mmmm fish and chips"

Cue teacher walking in, entire class; mmmmm fish and chips

Teacher throws an evil glance at the brother..
"DON'T SAY THAT TO YOUR TEACHER, THAT'S FIFTY LINES FOR ALL OF YOU."

After a scrap between 3 lads in the playground one day..
"Hold shanes hand. HOLD HIS HAND. Now, Both of ye dance. DANCE. Now, Connor, join in. Now get back up to class. And I'm going to tell them all ye were dancing like faeries."

"I retired last year, and all the teachers chipped in and bought me a television. So I'm staying on another year to see if they buy me something good."

"You're all after getting awful tall since last year. Except you, you're still fat."

"Right, I want some honestly lads. Who was doing all the screaming and shouting when I was out of the room."
*a few hands go up*
"Now, I'm not going to punish ye - ye're good lads, because ye were honest."
*another hand goes up down the back after this*
"Except you, you're getting 50 lines."

Student; "Sorry Sir I didn't get me homework done I was made go to bed by me mam"
Brother; "Why where you made go to bed?"
Student; "For nothin' Sir"
Brother; "Well just you remember boy, there's no beds in HELL, which is where ye go when you're bad to your mother. Now do fifty lines"

One lunch break during 4th or 5th year, and we're all inside due to it pissing rain, pops his head in through the door..

"Are ye on lunch"
(Collectively) "Yes Sir"
"Do fifty lines."


Sex ed, that was another travesty..

"The only safe sex is NO sex. Even now at your age, you could impregnate a girl. And there's NO proven way of stopping this from happening. Do any of you know what a condom is? No?"

*one lad raises his hand and says yes*

"And what did you hear about that?"
Lad; "Well, isn't it like.. you roll it down over yer willy, and you cant get the girl pregnant then?"
"No, WRONG. Condoms often do not work, and the girl can still get pregnant, every time!"


"Now, something that's very popular lately is fingering. This is bad because you can see the walls of the vagina here, and fingers aren't meant to go near them because they're full of bacteria, and have sharp nails - so if you finger a girl just once, she might never be able to have children."

If we were smarter of course, we would've asked why we don't just finger the girl before riding them unprotected..

"You can catch a sexually transmitted disease from just having sex once - you can even catch them without having sex. And you can catch a disease like HIV or AIDS, and there is no cure."

And bare in mind this was in the early 90's in Waterford.. I came out of that class less educated than when I went in..

Daemos

Tellox wrote: »

"You're all looking well. Apart from you, you're fat."

"You're all after getting awful tall since last year. Except you, you're still fat."

LOL

Tellox wrote: »

"The only safe sex is NO sex. Even now at your age, you could impregnate a girl. And there's NO proven way of stopping this from happening. Do any of you know what a condom is? No?"

*one lad raises his hand and says yes*

"And what did you hear about that?"
Lad; "Well, isn't it like.. you roll it down over yer willy, and you cant get the girl pregnant then?"
"No, WRONG. Condoms often do not work, and the girl can still get pregnant, every time!"


"You can catch a sexually transmitted disease from just having sex once - you can even catch them without having sex. And you can catch a disease like HIV or AIDS, and there is no cure."

Hate to be pedantic, but those are technically true. A report I read said that if you have sex once every day for a year using a condom every time, there's a 54% chance of the woman becoming pregnant.

HIV can be transmitted if an infected person gets blood into someone else's system (if it squirted into the eye, for example), and crabs can be transmitted if an uninfected person puts on a pair of pants belonging to an infected person

citizen_p

civis_liberalis wrote: »

My class were always the class that were left out when it came to trips. We ended up getting 2 trips in the end.

The first one, a priest teaching in the school hijacked, to bring us to Knock...

The second was to bring us to the cinema. Straight there and straight back, not aloud to get popcorn or anything, just herded in and out.

What was the film? JUNIOR. :mad:

in 3rd year we went on 1 trip and after that were banned from all others.... same in 1st and 2nd

in 4th they had to let us go... we paid

Chardee MacDennis

chachabinx wrote: »

This was made up to see how quick & vast rumours are spread... looks like it worked!

i think you will find that was the you swallow 8 spiders a year in your sleep.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16241_6-most-frequently-quoted-bullsht-statistics.html

but the daddy long legs thing is also not true

http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/longlegs.asp

lisaface

Xavi6 wrote: »

"The Leaving Cert is the be all and end all"

Pretty much this one ^

Now all I hear is "You must hold a degree, to get any kind of job these days" .. next it'll be Masters! Oh dear where does this stupidity end

Kipperhell

A teacher asked me what my name is in Irish and I just said my name he said in Irish so I repeat my name as normal. I told him when I go to France it is the same so why in my home country does it briefly transform my name when in his class (maths). Stupid in lots of ways from both ends.

I was right but just being a pain and disobeying a teacher.

The Irish of my name was made up by my 2nd class teacher by putting Mc on the surname and misreading my surname. A bit like Dan Quayle becoming Daniel McWhale so I always disliked it.

Psycopat

In junior cert biology (mixed school) we were talking about reproductive organs and one of the lads serious asked the teacher "what would happen if you were having sex with someone and you had to piss" hilarity ensued.

horseplay

my irish teacher telling a guy in class that he should ''do pass irish for the leaving cert because it'd look better if he failed that rather than failing foundation level'' .... suppose he had a point :rolleyes:

allanb49

legend teacher we xalled him batman, wore the old cape and motarboard all the time
batman - duffy come up here i'll explain to the class the meeting of the pope and the 95 thesis
duffy - yes sir
batman - ok i'm the pope you're martin luther and this (holds up a crumpled piece of paper ) is the 95 thesis,
(grabs duffy by the scruff of the neck shouting eat it luther eat it)

same teacher with his other pally teacher friend hiding at the bridge after a recent snowfall chucking snowballs at the students and teachers both these guys in their 60s,

ty meeting after the 4th year play 2001
teacher - at the moment dvds are too expensive for us to get so it'll have to be tapes lads,
scott - (daydreaming and back to reality ) sir can we get dvds
teacher - scott are you a total idiot or do you just like annoying me?
laughter from the room
scott stands up kicks the chair over and in a high fallsetto starts singing iron maidens aces high

teacher was called bunny cause he set his tie on fire with a bunsen burner,

one g

racso1975

" all teachers do this to their pupils":mad:

allanb49

One guy watched the terminator one night came into school the next say convinced he was one, proceed to punch the wall and broke some bones in his hand

toiletduck

You could 'recharge' depleted CallCards if you left them in the fridge overnight.

"Gay Bryne is a total gay" - used that one if you didn't understand what gay meant.

A girl's tit size was a result of how much milk she drank.

iLoveTwilight

My 6th year maths teacher was obsessed with maths .. solving really hard maths problems was her hobbie .. she told us one day that solving a really really hard problem was better than sex

dr.bollocko

iLoveTwilight wrote: »

My 6th year maths teacher was obsessed with maths .. solving really hard maths problems was her hobbie .. she told us one day that solving a really really hard problem was better than sex

I've got a really hard problem for her to solve.
Right here.

Raze_them_all

dr.bollocko wrote: »

I've got a really hard problem for her to solve.
Right here.

2-1=1 really not that hard dude

brummytom

My mate (to be fair,) was being a prick in maths today.

The whore Miss was talking about 'Pi'; All Danny said was "I like pie, steak and kidney - lovely".

Miss stared him in the eyes, her eyes narrowing, and just said very low, "You're dead"

Doesn't translate well onto here, but dear God it was scary

citizen_p

i remember in 1st year science

teacher: we will be doing biology chemistry and physics.....i biology its all about living thinks....
does anybody know what a living thing is called?

daragh: *puts up hands with excitment* an orgasm!
btw he thought he was right

everybody just laughed and 5 minuts later told us no it was an organism


and in religion or cspe?? 1 of the doss classes
we had to fill out a little form....1 qustion was

what animal would you be and why?

daragh the said(diffrent daragh): id like to be a horse, because people ride ya and look after ya

hacx

Religion Class:
Teacher: "Your all driving me mad, I may hav e to go for a session on the couch"
Cue laughter, embarrased teacher.

Luap

My friend told me this and I was in tears. My english teacher was looking out the window at another teacher bending over, then my friend said "aren't you married sir?". The teacher takes off his wedding ring and looked up nothing more was said:D

thomond2006

"If you fail your Leaving Cert, you won't get another chance"

:rolleyes:

jaysusjones

"You're a very Bright boy Jones, you'll go far"

Huh, Boy was he wrong. I bet he's embarrassed now

twinytwo

god... where to even start...

Doing something about the solar system

teacher asks if anyone had any questions.. one guy sticks up his hand and asks... "have they probed Your-anus yet sir?"

Scrambled egg

Had a horrible teacher for 1st year. You know the smart arse type who drones rather than talking.

"Sir the bell went!"
"No it didn't its still on the wall"

"Can I move sir? The suns in me eyes"
"No you can't, the sun is millions and millions of miles away"

I think hes dead now.

thomond2006

twinytwo wrote: »

Doing something about the solar system

teacher asks if anyone had any questions.. one guy sticks up his hand and asks... "have they probed Your-anus yet sir?"

lol

Daemos

jaysusjones wrote: »

"You're a very Bright boy Jones, you'll go far"

Huh, Boy was he wrong. I bet he's embarrassed now

I got "You'll be the one to put this school on the map" from my principal/friend-of-the-family. Not with a fail in Maths I won't.

I also got "If you don't get an A in your Junior Cert Irish I'm going to retire" from my teacher. One C-grade later, he's still there

Soby

algebra

4zn76tysfajdxp

DaPoolRulz wrote: »

I got "You'll be the one to put this school on the map" from my principal/friend-of-the-family. Not with a fail in Maths I won't.

I also got "If you don't get an A in your Junior Cert Irish I'm going to retire" from my teacher. One C-grade later, he's still there

I remember being told that I would go far by my French lecturer when I started college.

I later dropped out of that course and haven't gone anywhere.

Mr Freeze

Great Thread...

I remember back in the leaving cert, just after the mock exam results came back, The Biology teacher gave us our papers back and she went through the paper then, one of the sections was all short questions, and one of the questions was "Why can't bacteria grow on jam?"

Anyways, when she came to that question, she gave us the correct explanation followed by and pointed at one of my mates...

"and no James, its not because they can't resist eating it!"

He only put down that answer for the craic as he didn't know the proper answer. Good Times.

allanb49

My oh had a teacher who as she describes was in a zen like mood, nice sunny day in cashel the class are in the middle of a test and the teacher breaking the peace and tranquility Exclaims

'jaysis lads is that a blue fire engine'