Thursday Quickies

rocky25

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am, too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two.

We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket,

and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog".

His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this.

He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:

That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says,

"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,

"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

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What happens when you talk to a Jamaican cow?

- It goes in one ear and out da udder!!!

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced

he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous.

But when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".