NEWSFLASH: Global recession hits the north pole.

Steve

A leaked interdepartmental memo from the North Pole's primary production facility has revealed some shocking news:

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the reindeer early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the direct-channel gift distribution and logistics markets.

Other direct distributors, like cable television home shopping and mail order catalogues, have diminished Santa's market share. The North Pole could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a silk replica, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

- The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose egg it gets will be a good one.

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-managing, a-marketing, or a-MISing.

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Members of Congress. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Members this year.

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number."

And in other news, Santa was spotted at a well known airport yesterday preparing for his upcoming global flight:

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Authority. It was shortly before Christmas when the CAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.

Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing skis, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then, the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a SHOTGUN.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner replied, "I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but we have to check out your skills in handling when problems arise, so you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."