How to get baby out of parents bed back in to their own bed!!

Hellrazer

Need some help with this one.

Our 8 month old has decided that shes no longer sleeping in her cot.Three weeks ago she had a bad chest/ear infection and she was waking up at all hours of the night.

So we decided to bring her into the bed to comfort her until she got over it.

Well what a bad mistake that was--Shes now waking at 2.00am on the button every night and no matter what we do she wont go back to her cot,but she will go fast asleep in our bed and take up most of it despite her being the smallest in it

Any advice on how to get her out of this habit,which is all its turned out to be.
We havent slept properly in 2 weeks now.

Thanks
Richie.

Nevyn

Is she warm enough ?
Have you tried putting what ever top you have worn for the day in near her when you go to bed so that the smell of it will comfort her and she might stay in the cot ?

Hellrazer

Shes warm enough alright.Might try that with the top tonight and see if it works.

lostinnappies

She sounds like she is now aware of mommy and daddy not being there. you could try a technique called distance comfort.

It teaches her to self sooth and send herself off to sleep. When she wakes at night pick her up and comfort her... wait until she is calm(er) and then lay her back in her bed. This is the hard bit. Sit down beside her cot, far enough away that she cant grab you, dont look towards her dont speek. This teaches her that Yes you are not being held but mommy/daddy is still here. It will take about 1/2 hours (be prepared) to let her fall asleep. She will cry and try and get your attention but you must be firm and dont give in. Once she is asleep ... leave the room.

The next night it will take 30-45 min to get her back to sleep and gradually from there she will go to sleep within 5 min.

Dont set yourself up to fail... do it on a weekend when you are both off and if one of you doesnt get sleep the other can care for her during the day.... also dont do it if she is still ill.

Be flexable with it also.... if she is teething/ill she may need a longer comfort in mommy/daddies arms. But always remember consistancy is key.

delly

Every night our 18 month old is sleeping in our bed. She usually wakes around 1 or 2 looking to be picked up or similar. It makes no difference how long I sit with her to the point where she is fast asleep and soother out etc., once she detects the motion of going back into the cot she jumps back up looking to be picked up again. I'm just sorry I didn't buy the superking size bed back in the day, as it gets mighty squashed during the night.

Nevyn

Mine did this up until they were 3 and even in thier own room.
Around about 1:15am to 1:30am I would come half awake with the thud of thier feet hitting
the floor in the box room next door and the patter of thier feet heading in to the room.

Would not be every night but 4 out of 7, we didn't have a problem with it and they would just snuggle down in the middle of us and we'd all go back to sleep.
Some nights we would have both of them in the bed, if the weahter was bad or they were sick.

Thankfully it stopped before they got much bigger and tis rare that either of them come
into my bed or thier Dad's bed now unless they are really sick.

noby

delly wrote: »

It makes no difference how long I sit with her to the point where she is fast asleep and soother out etc., once she detects the motion of going back into the cot she jumps back up looking to be picked up again.

Easier said than done, but you need to get her to fall asleep in the cot, not in your arms.
You say she is still in a cot, so perhaps try walking into the room, lying her down, give her a hug/kiss, then walk out of the room again. She might scream the house down, but try to give her ten minutes before you go in and do the same thing. It can be hard, and many a night we were sat in our own bed watching the clock for the ten minutes to be up. It might be tough love, but ye'll get through it.

If they are of the age that they come into your room, do a similar thing - quick cuddle then lift them back into their own bed. You might spend half your night over and back, but they soon get the message. Also you could lie on their bed beside them - but the important message is they're not going to sleep in mammy and daddy's bed (baring illness, of course).

delly

Thaedydal wrote: »

we didn't have a problem with it and they would just snuggle down in the middle of us and we'd all go back to sleep.

Thankfully we have got to that point now where similarly she'll come in and put the head straight down whereas initially when it started happening she thought it was play time.

tbh I just accept it as it is now and there are nights when you nearly look forward to her coming in for a snuggle. As I've said to my wife, it could be a lot worse in terms of having a kid walking up at 1am and bailing there head off, now that would be hard to handle.

delly

noby wrote: »

Easier said than done, but you need to get her to fall asleep in the cot, not in your arms.

From the time she was able to stand, she would never stay lying down in the cot so thats how I put her to bed in the evening. Its a bit of a bad habit which we can't quite lick, but I blame the 'first time parent' syndrome.

In relation to tough love, i'm just not into letting her cry tbh, I know we're all suffering as a result but I prefer the way it is now as opposed to her being upset.

mlelsc

As a mum of 6 kids I know what you are going through! Sorry but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and the only way out of this is to persevere and put her in her cot after lots of cuddling etc but also be firm. It will take a week at the most to get her out of this habit so don't give in! Babies are a lot clever than what we credit them with!

Good luck!

pgroarke

I second the earlier advice regarding not letting her fall asleep out of bed.
The experts say they must learn to fall asleep in their own bed.

However, regarding her waking up here is a trick:
A third or a half a banana before her bedtime bottle.
The combination of trytophan and serotonin helps alot of people sleep through the night.

noby

I have to agree with mlelsc. Not for me to tell you what to do, but leaving a child sleep in your bed isn't really a long-term solution to me. A week of toughing it out, and broken sleep and you could all be enjoying a full night sleep in your own bed/cot.

And, again not to border on your personal issues, but I think parents, and new parents especially, could probably do with a little alone-time in bed - if only to feel like a couple again.

lostinnappies

delly wrote: »

Thankfully we have got to that point now where similarly she'll come in and put the head straight down whereas initially when it started happening she thought it was play time.

tbh I just accept it as it is now and there are nights when you nearly look forward to her coming in for a snuggle. As I've said to my wife, it could be a lot worse in terms of having a kid walking up at 1am and bailing there head off, now that would be hard to handle.

If you are happy to have her in your bed its not for anyone to tell you otherwise..... however, think about what you are teaching her. By allowing her to sleep with you, you are not teaching her to self sooth and creating a clingy need for mummy or daddy, you are teaching her to give into her fears and seek refuge else where. sleeping in the dark/on her own is something she will have to learn eventually and dragging it out longer will only confuse her more when you DO eventually teach her this. Just a thought.

delly

lostinnappies wrote: »

If you are happy to have her in your bed its not for anyone to tell you otherwise..... however, think about what you are teaching her. By allowing her to sleep with you, you are not teaching her to self sooth and creating a clingy need for mummy or daddy, you are teaching her to give into her fears and seek refuge else where. sleeping in the dark/on her own is something she will have to learn eventually and dragging it out longer will only confuse her more when you DO eventually teach her this. Just a thought.

Good thoughts alright, but as said I have done a slog of trying to get her back into her cot at night. I spent most of one week sitting in her room from maybe 2am to 4am and kept puting her down with the most she stayed down was maybe 5 or 10 minutes. I know its not the best situation but I take the 'whatever works' view, that and the fact that I'm not willing to let her cry herself to sleep.

noby

Delly, no one wants to tell you what you should do, especially as you aren't looking for advice, but my only reservation is that you're putting off the inevitable.

But for anyone else, who are trying to get their little one to sleep in their own bed, using phrases like 'crying themselves to sleep' really pulls at the heart strings. But you have to be strong. They will have a cry, then go to sleep. Gradually they will learn that sleeping in their own bed/room is ok, and won't cry.

As I said, if you're happy with your arrangement then who are we to tell you otherwise.

delly

noby wrote: »

using phrases like 'crying themselves to sleep' really pulls at the heart strings. But you have to be strong.

I see what your saying and it does make sense, but I just won't let her cry if I can prevent it and thats whats holding me back.

I'm probably setting myself up for a life of a demanding child, but funnily enough during the day she clearly knows the understanding of the word 'NO' and doesn't rule the roost in demanding stuff (yet ).

daiixi

This won't work too well with an 8 month old I'd say but when I was small and would go into my parents room they'd let me stay but only on the floor. I'd either head straight back to bed or bring in my blanket and pillow and settle myself onto the floor. I can say it's helped me be able to sleep almost anywhere!

shaca

You could try one of the lamps that put shapes around the room. I have a winnie the pooh story time the projects onto the ceiling. When my little fella wakes I just go into him to let him know I am there and I switch on the story for him. It only lasts about 5 mins and switches itself off automatically. I think if you get to them early enough to sooth them before they work themselves up, it helps them settle back down quicker.

luckat

By the way, I might mention that in this icy weather I've been waking up at 2am and 4am - I think it's the freezing nights and the central heating off and the house having cooled down that does it. And I'm not 18 months old, or 18 years either.

PoleStar

Thank god for sense from noby!

Remember parents, children behave the way they do because the parents have trained them that way! It can take a weeks to train a child and put them in a routine and one mere slip one night to change all that! Children thrive on routine.

Noby is totally right, if a child wont sleep alone and is only going to sleep in between mummy and daddy then well and good if you wish to train the child that the place they are supposed to sleep is in mummy and daddys bed!

I totally agree, a few days of putting the child to sleep in their own bed, and picking them up to console them for a minute before putting them back down will work after persisting for a few nights. Even if this means being up and down every half hour.

For those that say they cant stand hearing the child cry for a few min? Well just remember, a child that knows it gets its own way at 6 months of age might be one thing. But keep training them that way and you will find yourself on super nanny when they are age 3!

Remember, children at a young age do not have the intellect to reason, so they unfortunately must be trained by routine.

And this advice comes as a medical doctor, and also as a parent who has been there. I know what a minor illness or chickenpox can do to have a baby up during the night. But once well, persisting with routine for few days got the baby back to sleeping from 7pm to 7am: bliss!

People sometimes say to me and wife that we are so lucky to have such a baby, but it aint luck, or some natural parenting on our part, but simple persistence in maintaining routine.

Good luck!

Nevyn

Some parents actually favour co sleeping and don't have a problem with it being a family bed and having the kids come in for some of the nights of the when they are small.

Differnt parenting styles people no need to get so judgey.

PoleStar

Number 1: I wasnt being "judgey": surely the "good luck" at the end of my post should have clarified that.

Number 2 "Some parents actually favour co sleeping and don't have a problem with it": This is clearly not the case, otherwise they wouldnt be posting here looking for a solution.

In$omniac

I remember this oh so well, my daughter slept in my bed til she was nearly 3, from the age of 7months. The same pattern emerged waking up at 2 in the morn which eventually led to her not going to her own bed at all.

I can only say we were too lazy to nip this in the bud when this started, anything to get our sleep so in she came with us.

That stopped when we moved house, I made a big deal of her 'new room'. I was lucky because only after 2 nights of sitting at the top of the stairs hearing her cry, going back in to assure I was there, going back out to the top of the stairs and so on.
On the 3rd night I told her to say 'night' to Daddy and she did with a wave, no tears nor tantrums, he couldn't believe it neither could I but I haven't looked back.
Don't leave it as long as I did, persevere for as long as it takes, it's tiring and pulls at the heartstrings but it's worth it in the long run.
I wish the 3 of you all the best.

Nevyn

PoleStar wrote: »

Number 1: I wasnt being "judgey": surely the "good luck" at the end of my post should have clarified that.

Number 2 "Some parents actually favour co sleeping and don't have a problem with it": This is clearly not the case, otherwise they wouldnt be posting here looking for a solution.

As a mod of this forum I was gently reminding people that there is no one true way and different people will do things different according to how they live their lives and rear their children.

Secondly a parent has come to ask about this and how to make a change and those who agree with the child staying in it's own bed are giving good advice but that does not mean there are no parents who post here who
agree with co sleeping and a family bed.

It is up to parents for themselves to choose what works for them and their children in their life.

metrovelvet

lostinnappies wrote: »

If you are happy to have her in your bed its not for anyone to tell you otherwise..... however, think about what you are teaching her. By allowing her to sleep with you, you are not teaching her to self sooth and creating a clingy need for mummy or daddy, you are teaching her to give into her fears and seek refuge else where. sleeping in the dark/on her own is something she will have to learn eventually and dragging it out longer will only confuse her more when you DO eventually teach her this. Just a thought.

Hmnn.... you know its western cultures who insist that babies sleep in their own rooms and beds, most of the world co-sleep, and while you argue that you are creating a needy child, you may be building a secure attachment.

Whose to say the baby stops crying not because he has learned independence, but has learned to give up, has learned that his needs will not be met? This will surely manifest itself negatively later in life?

I am not here telling anyone to co-sleep, just to point out that this rather cool and school marmyish perspective is rather precarious and not applicable to all mothers and all babies. All moms are different, all babies are different. Let each work what works best for them.

http://www.googobits.com/articles/647-the-benefits-of-cosleeping.html

Ludo

PoleStar wrote: »

People sometimes say to me and wife that we are so lucky to have such a baby, but it aint luck, or some natural parenting on our part, but simple persistence in maintaining routine.

hmm..ya see I kinda disagree with this in a way. We have 13 month old twins. They have had the same routine as each other all the time yet they are COMPLETELY different when it comes to their sleeping in their cots. One will sleep from 7pm to 7am no bother whatsoever.

But, the other one will wake EVERY night (well maybe 2 out of every 3 nights) somewhere between 11 and 2. No set time so it isn't the heating or anything. In fact we know it is wind causing his problems. The only way he will settle is when he is moved into a bed with one/both of us. We have tried all the suggestions here but nothing has worked. This last week we have even put them in different rooms which we didn't want to do, but had to try it eventually. No luck there either.

Most of the time when we try it, his crying ends up waking his brother who then gets REALLY annoyed that his sleep has been rudely interrupted and we end up with 2 VERY cranky babies and no prospect of sleep for a couple of hours.

So...as someone who appears to think that this is a simple routine problem and easy to solve, PoleStar, how do you recommend we keep both of them asleep in their own cots? Any suggestions welcome.

noby

Thaedydal wrote: »

Some parents actually favour co sleeping and don't have a problem with it

Agreed. That's why I was trying to be careful not to be 'preachy' to Delly, or other parents who choose it, but just trying to give advice/our experience to parents who want their baby to sleep in their own bed.

metrovelvet wrote: »

This will surely manifest itself negatively later in life?

Again, you're free to choose your bedtime routine, but this statement is a bit strongly worded without backup.


Polestar, thanks for the kind words.

G&T

Our kid's alway's went to sleep in their own
bed but we had an open door/bed policy.
They could come and go once they were quiet
as it was sleep time not play time.

When they slept over in Granny's they went into
their bed too,they just loved to be warm and cosy.
I never had to sleep alone as a child,i shared a bed with my sister,
then a room at home till i moved into a room with my oh

They are not coming in these day's as the youngest is 7,
but when they wake they come into bed with us and it's
where we hear all their news.

They are small and needy for so short a time,it does
not cause them to depend on you too much,imo
it shows you care and and have time for them alway's.

Throw away the book's,you know your baby best,
do what work's for ye.

noby

Good post. Especially this bit:

G&T wrote: »

when they wake they come into bed with us and it's
where we hear all their news.

While we try to keep all three of them in their own beds, come morning time it's usually all in to ours. This is a great time, particularly weekend mornings, where no one is rushing.

metrovelvet

noby wrote: »

Again, you're free to choose your bedtime routine, but this statement is a bit strongly worded without backup.
Polestar, thanks for the kind words.

I am aware of my choices. I was simply positing another possible outcome and I did post a link which backed up the question which is more than the poster who claimed OP would be creating a needy clingy child who could not self soothe.

lostinnappies

metrovelvet wrote: »

Hmnn.... you know its western cultures who insist that babies sleep in their own rooms and beds, most of the world co-sleep, and while you argue that you are creating a needy child, you may be building a secure attachment.

Whose to say the baby stops crying not because he has learned independence, but has learned to give up, has learned that his needs will not be met? This will surely manifest itself negatively later in life?

I am not here telling anyone to co-sleep, just to point out that this rather cool and school marmyish perspective is rather precarious and not applicable to all mothers and all babies. All moms are different, all babies are different. Let each work what works best for them.

http://www.googobits.com/articles/647-the-benefits-of-cosleeping.html

I DO understand where you are coming from, really I do, this is why i have said in my first post to be flexable with it. But not helping your little one to develop independance from an early age imho is worse. I dont believe it to be cold or marmyish in any way. This can be done with the cot at the end of the parents bed ... im not saying you mustnt comfort them, or you have to abandon them in their cot, far from it. Im saying that by doing this you are teaching them that no matter where you are or how upset you are or whats happened, mommy and daddy are there. Comfort the child of course, sooth her of course, but allow her to sleep in her own cot. Allow her to express her feelings about being upset, teaching her how to express those feelings when she is older. In fact I believe it creats a greater trust in mommy and daddy while giving her a sence of independance. I dont believe it to be her "giving up" in any way. I know when I did it with my two boyz, when it was all complete they would wake at night briefly, give a little cry, then a laugh and then sleep again.... that doesnt sound like a bad lesson to me!