The Fathers Thread

robinph

The Haynes baby manual was decent enough but not too serious a read.

chases0102

Cheers!!

seamus

I think I bought a couple of books, I don't really remember.

Tbh, from what I remember about advice for men, a lot of it is about being practical in the broadest sense; i.e. being prepared for whatever comes your way, including lugging a suitcase full of crap with you whenever you leave the house, if necessary. Whereas women's books tend to be more, "Things to try when your baby is colicky", men's are more like, "how to handle a night feed without waking up the whole house", "the best way to dispose of a mountain of dirty nappies".

Honestly, a lot of it is either bloody obvious or something you won't remember when you're in the thick of it. I don't remember finding any father-specific books at all helpful in either preparing for the arrival or dealing with the newborn.

Of course, YMMV. You might find a book incredibly useful and helpful in getting you started. For me, the first 12 weeks was a complete blur of sleeplessness and abject terror.

It's great.

conf101

seamus wrote: »

I think I bought a couple of books, I don't really remember.

Tbh, from what I remember about advice for men, a lot of it is about being practical in the broadest sense; i.e. being prepared for whatever comes your way, including lugging a suitcase full of crap with you whenever you leave the house, if necessary. Whereas women's books tend to be more, "Things to try when your baby is colicky", men's are more like, "how to handle a night feed without waking up the whole house", "the best way to dispose of a mountain of dirty nappies".

I'm not a dad yet but our first is on the way this Summer. I've picked up a few books here and there but I'd generally agree with the above. While lots of books for mothers tend to be very practical, I've found that most of the dad books I've come across tend to be awfully vague or try too hard to inject lots of humour into it or take a 'sideways look' at how much your life is going to change, etc. I haven't gotten much from the books I've read unfortunately.

But what I've found really helpful are dad forums on the likes of here and other places like Reddit. Talking to dads or other guys going through exactly what you're going through has been absolutely great for me and I've gotten loads of great advice from it.

My wife is part of a Facebook group for August mothers (I'm sure lots of your OHs are in similar ones for their birth months) and the amount of help and advice we've gotten from it has been amazing. I wonder if there's anything similar for dads-to-be.

tempnam

One important thing to remember I found is that kids are quite tough. Try not to be too scared - you won't break them!

Bassfish

Here's a tip for you; have the next nappy open and ready to go before taking off the last one. The lag time between nappies is lethal, especially for boys (he says scrubbing a couch cushion)

boardsuser1

Off out to the C.U.M.H now tomorrow.

The wife is expecting twins.

Has anyone ever questioned staff as to why men are treated so horribly?

Was talking with other expectant fathers this week and all said the same.

All their partners/wives wanted them there and the hospital staff refused to allow them into the room.

bee06

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

Off out to the C.U.M.H now tomorrow.

The wife is expecting twins.

Has anyone ever questioned staff as to why men are treated so horribly?

Was talking with other expectant fathers this week and all said the same.

All their partners/wives wanted them there and the hospital staff refused to allow them into the room.

At what point was this?

boardsuser1

bee06 wrote: »

At what point was this?

The whole lot.

I asked what was said and it was to do with domestic violence and sex. :rolleyes:

eviltwin

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

Off out to the C.U.M.H now tomorrow.

The wife is expecting twins.

Has anyone ever questioned staff as to why men are treated so horribly?

Was talking with other expectant fathers this week and all said the same.

All their partners/wives wanted them there and the hospital staff refused to allow them into the room.

Its the norm for staff to have one consultation with the woman on her own to talk about things that she might not want a partner to hear, this could be information on previous sexual history, abortions or miscarriages, previous children, sexually transmitted disease etc. Its also to talk about domestic violence which is sadly most likely to happen when a woman is pregnant. It should be just one consultation though and not for every appointment.

boardsuser1

eviltwin wrote: »

Its the norm for staff to have one consultation with the woman on her own to talk about things that she might not want a partner to hear, this could be information on previous sexual history, abortions or miscarriages, previous children, sexually transmitted disease etc. Its also to talk about domestic violence which is sadly most likely to happen when a woman is pregnant. It should be just one consultation though and not for every appointment.

I was prevented from the whole lot on Monday , tomorrow will be interesting.

We're together 9 years and this is our 4th and 5th child together.

As for sexual history, she had none before me.

It's p1ssing me off as to why they are so bias.

The last time it was this bad was with my first child,from a previous relationship almost 11 years ago.

bee06

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

I was prevented from the whole lot on Monday , tomorrow will be interesting.

We're together 9 years and this is our 4th and 5th child together.

As for sexual history, she had none before me.

It's p1ssing me off as to why they are so bias.

The last time it was this bad was with my first child,from a previous relationship almost 11 years ago.

It's just the booking appointment so. That's the reason why I told my husband not to come to that appointment because I knew what to expect. To be honest, I would have thought it was better to do it and risk insulting someone if it meant that a case of domestic violence could be identified. It's not really biased if every couple is treated the same?

boardsuser1

bee06 wrote: »

It's just the booking appointment so. That's the reason why I told my husband not to come to that appointment because I knew what to expect. To be honest, I would have thought it was better to do it and risk insulting someone if it meant that a case of domestic violence could be identified. It's not really biased if every couple is treated the same?

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

?Cee?view

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

I find the best way to deal with this is to combine courtesy with being firm. If you come across as anyone forceful or aggressive, you're playing to their unconscious bias.

boardsuser1

?Cee?view wrote: »

I find the best way to deal with this is to combine courtesy with being firm. If you come across as anyone forceful or aggressive, you're playing to their unconscious bias.

I'm as nice as pie to them.

One thing I have spotted over the years is that male doctors never tell expectant dads to stay out. Only women doctors/consultants etc.

Very odd one.

bee06

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

Do you think domestic violence always starts before the first pregnancy and the relationship never changes after?

eviltwin

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

The staff don't know what might have happened between her last pregnancy and this one. For all they know she might have had an abortion you know nothing about or a dose of chlamydia. This will impact on the pregnancy but it might not be something the woman wants her partner to know about. Yes it's your baby but she's the patient too and it should be confidential. It's nothing personal.

boardsuser1

eviltwin wrote: »

The staff don't know what might have happened between her last pregnancy and this one. For all they know she might have had an abortion you know nothing about or a dose of chlamydia. This will impact on the pregnancy but it might not be something the woman wants her partner to know about. Yes it's your baby but she's the patient too and it should be confidential. It's nothing personal.

Our youngest child turned 1 on Tuesday so very little has happened in that regard.

As for it being personal, i think alot of men do!

Indeed she is the patient, her wishes aren't being respected.

I reckon if it's a male doctor again tomorrow there won't be much hassle.

What i can see happening is war over men sitting and heavily pregnant women standing,i gave up my seat on monday, but that's for another thread.

boardsuser1

Just back from the C.U.M.H and she has now been referred to Dr. Keelin O'Donovan i think, is anyone here familiar with that lady?

Also i was kicked out of this appointment again so i questioned the midwife on it,normal practice they say.

Kicking me out last Tuesday is not common however and they are at a loss to explain why i was.

Almost 14 weeks now so onwards and upwards

seamus

Sometimes they just make up the rules as they go along.

When my wife was having a miscarriage, we ended up in the Coombe A&E twice in 3 days. The first time she was examined by a female doctor, who asked both me and my wife if I was OK being there for the exam, obviously we said yes.

The second time it was a male doctor and instantly the nurse and the doctor told me that I would have to wait outside while my wife was being examined. My wife insisted that wasn't happening, I was staying. They were both clearly a bit rattled by this

So while there are some specific appointments and reasons why the woman is spoken to separately, a surprising amount of the time the staff appear to just make up their own rules.

Don't be afraid to question them, if there's a reason, then they'll have reasonable answers. Don't accept the "because I said so" nonsense that some medical staff like to dish out.

tibor_imo

Hi all!

Wife is pregnant with our first, due in April. Still can't really believe it all!

We had an 8 week scan last week and all looks good, healthy and "well positioned". Prior to that, I was a bag of nerves as a friend recently had a miscarriage around the same time but now the excitement is taking over.

On the recent posts regarding not being allowed into appointments, it never would have occurred to me that in this modern day there would be an issue but the points raised in favour for at least one consultation with just the mother make sense. I plan on being there for all of the others though!

All tips for a first time dad welcome!

bee06

For what it's worth I told my husband there was no need to come to my 20 week appointment and I'll probably do the same for the 32 week appointment. I was glad I did as well because it was 2 hours of waiting for 10 mins with a doctor. Obviously the scans are important and super exciting but if everything is going well I'd prefer for him to keep his holidays for when the baby is born.

s7ryf3925pivug

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

Wow that's messed up.
The scans are amazing. You're missing out if you miss them.
In our situation we decided it best to go private. The midwife spoke to my wife individually, then we both spoke to the obstetrician who performed the scans and spent time answering all our questions.

boardsuser1

Aisha Yummy Typography wrote: »

Wow that's messed up.
The scans are amazing. You're missing out if you miss them.
In our situation we decided it best to go private. The midwife spoke to my wife individually, then we both spoke to the obstetrician who performed the scans and spent time answering all our questions.

Absolutely, it is very messed up, even for 2017!

I have been to the scans, that seems to be the only time i don't get grief and get told to wait outside, it is an issue more and more people are having, even expectant mothers are telling us that.

The joys of Cork University Maternity Hospital :rolleyes:

Like yourselves, when i did manage to get in today i was all questions.

The files are now digital and my name is on each and every file relating to our children.

Back now in a few weeks for an anatomy scan where we hope to find out what we are having.

Are you an expectant father at present Blergh?

Toots

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

Absolutely, it is very messed up, even for 2017!

I have been to the scans, that seems to be the only time i don't get grief and get told to wait outside, it is an issue more and more people are having, even expectant mothers are telling us that.

The joys of Cork University Maternity Hospital :rolleyes:

Like yourselves, when i did manage to get in today i was all questions.

The files are now digital and my name is on each and every file relating to our children.

Back now in a few weeks for an anatomy scan where we hope to find out what we are having.

Are you an expectant father at present Blergh?

In my experience they take the woman's history on the booking appointment on her own. They wanted to do my bloods at the same time and I panicked and said they couldn't do it without my husband there because I get dizzy and faint, so they took the history and then after he was brought in for the blood draw. I think it's cos there are questions like "have you ever felt afraid of your partner?" Which I would imagine would be difficult to answer in the affirmative if the partner was there.

In terms of the appointment with the consultant and the scans etc, my husband was always welcome at those - never asked to step out of the room. Had a rather amusing incident on baby #1 where I had to go to hospital for pains, and my dad's office nearby so he said he'd come in and sit with me to keep me company. Went into the exam room and brought my dad with me cos I knew they'd scan me and he'd get to see the baby.

Then they had to do an internal exam and they said "now if your husband could just sit in the chair by your head while we do the examination..." suddenly poor Dad didn't know where to look and had to make a hasty exit before it kicked off. Had to explain to the doctor that I (25 at the time) was not married to a 62 year old man with white hair and beard :pac:

boardsuser1

Toots wrote: »

In my experience they take the woman's history on the booking appointment on her own. They wanted to do my bloods at the same time and I panicked and said they couldn't do it without my husband there because I get dizzy and faint, so they took the history and then after he was brought in for the blood draw. I think it's cos there are questions like "have you ever felt afraid of your partner?" Which I would imagine would be difficult to answer in the affirmative if the partner was there.

In terms of the appointment with the consultant and the scans etc, my husband was always welcome at those - never asked to step out of the room. Had a rather amusing incident on baby #1 where I had to go to hospital for pains, and my dad's office nearby so he said he'd come in and sit with me to keep me company. Went into the exam room and brought my dad with me cos I knew they'd scan me and he'd get to see the baby.

Then they had to do an internal exam and they said "now if your husband could just sit in the chair by your head while we do the examination..." suddenly poor Dad didn't know where to look and had to make a hasty exit before it kicked off. Had to explain to the doctor that I (25 at the time) was not married to a 62 year old man with white hair and beard :pac:

You would think these 'professionals' would spot potential fear even with the husband/partner present?

I don't mind missing the blood part as it's not my favourite thing to witness :pac:

It could just be a Cork thing though.

What you went through with your dad present, my wife did when in labour, of course which is expected, the student midwife told me in no uncertain terms to get lost, this was only this time last year, the wife put her foot down and i was allowed in.

As Seamus said, it's whatever rules appear to suit them at the time.

I have never once been told to get lost by male nurses/doctors.

BTW, how was your father after that episode :pac:

Toots

:pac: slightly shell shocked but he was grand. He escaped before I had to disrobe so nothing was seen! Back when Mum was having me and my sisters it wasn't the done thing for the dad's to come in, so it was his first experience of any of the pre natal stuff.

When I was in labour the OH was able to stay for everything. I was expecting him to have to leave the room while the epidural was being put in, but they just gave him a gown and mask and let him stay. Not sure if that's the norm or if it was because I'm terrified of needles.

boardsuser1

Toots wrote: »

:pac: slightly shell shocked but he was grand. He escaped before I had to disrobe so nothing was seen! Back when Mum was having me and my sisters it wasn't the done thing for the dad's to come in, so it was his first experience of any of the pre natal stuff.

When I was in labour the OH was able to stay for everything. I was expecting him to have to leave the room while the epidural was being put in, but they just gave him a gown and mask and let him stay. Not sure if that's the norm or if it was because I'm terrified of needles.

Even my own father wasn't present for any of us, his youngest is only 19 now and he's 61.

If it was his first experience he was probably scared.

As for epidural's, my ex had to get one alright for a CS, i was brought in after that was done, but other than that,never had the experience.

My partner has had all of our 3 without it, just the gas and air.

I'm like yourself with the needles though.

Toots

I inherited my fear of blood and needles from my dad, so I reckon even if he had been present at any of our births, he probably would have spent most of it unconscious on the floor :pac: I'm grand if it's a shot or something, but anything going into my veins, forget it. Luckily my husband isn't squeamish in the slightest, so he's a good calming presence there when they're trying to steal my blood.

Did you get a chance to have a go of the gas and air? I tried to convince my husband to try it when the midwife went out of the room (it was deadly) but he was afraid he'd get into trouble!

boardsuser1

Toots wrote: »

I inherited my fear of blood and needles from my dad, so I reckon even if he had been present at any of our births, he probably would have spent most of it unconscious on the floor :pac: I'm grand if it's a shot or something, but anything going into my veins, forget it. Luckily my husband isn't squeamish in the slightest, so he's a good calming presence there when they're trying to steal my blood.

Did you get a chance to have a go of the gas and air? I tried to convince my husband to try it when the midwife went out of the room (it was deadly) but he was afraid he'd get into trouble!

I don't know where i inherited the fear of needles, but i've no fear of blood.

we'd know a few guys who ended up on the floor to be fair :pac:

I'd be like your husband in that regard i'd say.

I never had a go at the gas and air, i got the fumes off it alright though and it was kinda interesting

Did the midwives know he wanted to try it?