Why are single 30+ women portrayed as 'desperate'?

Stheno

fits wrote: »

Of course its about children. Even if few realise or admit it.

+1 Imo if a woman really wants children and gets to about 35 without having any, then realistically there are 5/7 years for her to meet someone and have children whilst doing so with lowered fertility and increased risks in terms of health/disabilities to the child. And tbh it's such a basic desire that one can't really "blame" those women for wanting children, personally it's not something I want, but I can understand it.

Women in the same age bracket who are single and don't want kids I'd think of differently and they do tend to come across differently imo.

ntlbell

nouggatti wrote: »

+1 Imo if a woman really wants children and gets to about 35 without having any, then realistically there are 5/7 years for her to meet someone and have children whilst doing so with lowered fertility and increased risks in terms of health/disabilities to the child. And tbh it's such a basic desire that one can't really "blame" those women for wanting children, personally it's not something I want, but I can understand it.

Women in the same age bracket who are single and don't want kids I'd think of differently and they do tend to come across differently imo.

so you're basically saying it's not a myth generally single women 30+ are desperate?

Zaph

ntlbell wrote: »

so you're basically saying it's not a myth generally single women 30+ are desperate?

I think it's fair to say that there are women over 30 who are desperate, be it for marriage, kids or both, and therefore conform to the myth/stereotype. Equally, however, there are plenty of women over 30 who are quite comfortable with being single, having no kids, etc. While pretty much all of the 30+ single women I know fall into the latter category, to generalise in favour of one or the other is impossible imo.

Stheno

ntlbell wrote: »

so you're basically saying it's not a myth generally single women 30+ are desperate?

No I'm saying that of all the women in their mid thirties that I know of who are single, and those who want to have children then I can understand how they would prioritise that, given that women have a finite amount of time compared to men, in which they can become biological mothers.

However out of ten women aged an average of 35 that I would be friendly with, two of those are single and wanting kids/a relationship which will result in kids, whilst the other eight would be single and not interested in kids.

It might be the circles I move in but that's my experience. Of the ten, the two who want kids are far more "broody" than the eight who do not.

Latchy

ntlbell wrote: »

to what?

be single for life?

not have kids?

i didn't think this was about kids

Well exactly ,that's part of wanting to be single for life is all about , having relationship's without the baggage of children and nothing wrong with that if that as long as that you decide is what you want .

fits wrote: »

I'm inclined to agree.. and yet...

You only as a female have so many years to choose were as a guy has a much longer easier time debating the merits of fatherhood .

ntlbell

Zaph wrote: »

I think it's fair to say that there are women over 30 who are desperate, be it for marriage, kids or both, and therefore conform to the myth/stereotype. Equally, however, there are plenty of women over 30 who are quite comfortable with being single, having no kids, etc. While pretty much all of the 30+ single women I know fall into the latter category, to generalise in favour of one or the other is impossible imo.

but surley women who want to be married/kids etc are a serious majority?

women who have absloutley no interest in getting married or having kids I would go out on a limb and say this number from 4.5m people is extremley low.

then taken what nougg says the majority are desperate?

The answer is probably in the CSO figures but I really haven't got the inclination to go find them

it'd be nice to see tho

Stheno

ntlbell wrote: »

then taken what nougg says the majority are desperate?

See my post above, it's 20% based on my personal acquaintances who are single

ntlbell

latchyco wrote: »

Well exactly ,that's part of wanting to be single for life is all about , having relationship's without the baggage of children and nothing wrong with that if that as long as that you decide is what you want .

You only as a female have so many years to choose were as a guy has a much longer easier time debating the merits of fatherhood .

nothing wrong with it at all, I just think women who want to be single for their whole life and not have kids as much for men are a very very small minority

I think in all my life i met one person like this and hundreds not.

so unless i've had a very strange path and just missed them all they must be a minority

i think the main problem is a woman in her 30's who does want a partner kids etc but is happy in who she is right now and is not "desperate" for it but getting labled because of the huge majority that does

and if there is a huge majority out there it's not really suprising that this is the protrayal as it's close to the truth?

or am i missing something

Zaph

ntlbell wrote: »

but surley women who want to be married/kids etc are a serious majority?

women who have absloutley no interest in getting married or having kids I would go out on a limb and say this number from 4.5m people is extremley low.

Well as I said before, the majority of 30+ women I know are happy with being single and not having kids. nouggatti has a similar experience. Maybe the two of us are a completely unrepresentative sample, or maybe it's not as uncommon as people might think. However I really don't know nor do I have figures to back up either argument.

ntlbell wrote: »

then taken what nougg says the majority are desperate?

Depends on your definition of desperate I suppose. I have one friend who had her first kid at 37, and now has three, all under the age of 6. She always liked the idea of having kids, but wasn't overly stressed about it if it didn't happen. The fact that it did happen and she had two more in quick succession doesn't automatically equate to her being desperate to have kids, it just happened that way.

ntlbell wrote: »

The answer is probably in the CSO figures but I really haven't got the inclination to go find them

it'd be nice to see tho

I don't think those questions are on the census form yet.

Stheno

ntlbell wrote: »

nothing wrong with it at all, I just think women who want to be single for their whole life and not have kids as much for men are a very very small minority

I think in all my life i met one person like this and hundreds not.

so unless i've had a very strange path and just missed them all they must be a minority

i think the main problem is a woman in her 30's who does want a partner kids etc but is happy in who she is right now and is not "desperate" for it but getting labled because of the huge majority that does

and if there is a huge majority out there it's not really suprising that this is the protrayal as it's close to the truth?

or am i missing something

I'd agree with you there tbh, most of the women I know that I've posted as an example above would all regularly talk about how their parents/family ask how they are/are they seeing someone as if their being single is not a natural state for them to be in

ntlbell

Zaph wrote: »

I don't think those questions are on the census form yet.

lol no there not but with some trickery we could make some assumptions so we could countine making fascianting assumptions not based on our friends

i mean even if we took people we know, how do we truly know they're not desperate? maybe it's not something they want to reveal to in your case a male friend? maybe they only talk about it to thier mothers or something we never really know whats going on or maybe they're a small majority that has the knack of hiding this desperation like most sane people should

Latchy

ntlbell wrote: »

nothing wrong with it at all, I just think women who want to be single for their whole life and not have kids as much for men are a very very small minority

I think in all my life i met one person like this and hundreds not.

so unless i've had a very strange path and just missed them all they must be a minority

i think the main problem is a woman in her 30's who does want a partner kids etc but is happy in who she is right now and is not "desperate" for it but getting labled because of the huge majority that does

and if there is a huge majority out there it's not really suprising that this is the protrayal as it's close to the truth?

or am i missing something

I agree , it must be hard for a 30 something womon if although wanting to have children and it hasn't happend yet ( for whatever reasons ) she feels pressureisd into finding the first availble male who may father her a child without the emotional personal intreraction .But then you look around and see the very many single mothers who decide to keep a child were as another womon might abort .It is comlicated and I do know of one womon I met who had everything going for her ,great careeer job , lovley home ,stunning looks ,great personality but was floored when she told me she was never going to have children .Only because i pictured her as being the perfect mum , but no she was adamant it wasn't for her .I admired her for her honesty but as you say she would be in the minority .

Stheno

ntlbell wrote: »

i mean even if we took people we know, how do we truly know they're not desperate? maybe it's not something they want to reveal to in your case a male friend? maybe they only talk about it to thier mothers or something we never really know whats going on or maybe they're a small majority that has the knack of hiding this desperation like most sane people should

most of the women I know who want children are open about it tbh, even my female friends in their early forties, some of whom have had ivf and have gorgeous children after years of trying, tbh it's lovely to see, I personally don't want kids, but it's fantastic to see a couple who have longed for a child to fulfil that wish

johnnyskeleton

I suppose the corollary of single women in their 30s seeming desparate is that single men in their 30s are often considered to be either gay or else have something wrong with them. People like to pigeon hole other people.

Zaph

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

I suppose the corollary of single women in their 30s seeming desparate is that single men in their 30s are often considered to be either gay or else have something wrong with them.

Phew, thank god I'm in my 40s then.

ntlbell

Zaph wrote: »

Phew, thank god I'm in my 40s then.

your past it now no one cares :rolleyes:

Zaph

ntlbell wrote: »

your past it now no one cares :rolleyes:

Banned!

johnnyskeleton

Zaph wrote: »

Phew, thank god I'm in my 40s then.

Rule doesn't apply to people with 2 heads

metrovelvet

I dont know if its about kids. I dont know a single middle class educated white woman under 30 who has had a child. They all had them 30 and older.

Sincerely, I think it is pressure from the beauty industry, hollywood etc, to feel afraid of losing your looks and attracting a mate and being led down a life of lonely celibacy. And also they lose their status with the upcoming younger women on the scene who have time on their side and attract older men. Sure the men will say it doesnt matter as they get older, there are countless numbers of young women with electra complexes about, but the problem with that is that the man then has to be a father, and that only works when he wants to be a father, and not to a new baby, but to the woman he is dating. So, that has its whole other set of problems. Beauty is so inheritantly tied into status for women that time becomes her enemy.

You know.. gather your rosebuds while ye may and all that.

Nothingcompares

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont know if its about kids. I dont know a single middle class educated white woman under 30 who has had a child. They all had them 30 and older.

very provocative comment. like how many working class white women do you know with babies under 30? how many working class, educated women under 30? how many educated middle class black women with babies do you know?

metrovelvet

I also know a lot of white middle class women in their 30s who got pregnant in their 20s but didnt have babies till they hit 30 plus. And I know one who gave the child up for adoption to a family around the corner.

Oh I know one white educated woman who married and had twins when she was 22. Definitely the oddball.

My point was that 30 is not a deadline, its usually when people start. I dont know why it's the demarkation point here.

Nothingcompares

well I'd agree 40 is the new 30

I'd be surprised if any women in their 40s that are single are optimistic about getting married (if, of course, they wanted to). I don't go around quizing older women but the impression I've always received is that single women in their 40s are so because they just never met the right person, or it just didn't work out with the right person and would have loved the chance to have kids and family but the cookie didn't crumble that way.

I've heard women say "i'm not maternal", I think it's even mentioned in this thread. I suppose there are a lot of women that didn't consider themselves mother material until they had and raised their babies. Of course I've met people from both sexes with which babies and families was low on their list of priorities. Again, I just don't really understand it cause I'm the opposite.

MJOR

i always thought I'd wait until i was at least thirty before i'd meet someone just so I could be sure of who i was etc. Incidentally i met him at 28 and am hitting 30 soon. That said if i was still single ans i'm a month shy of 30 i wouldn't be bothered. I think its more social pressure more than anything

SarahSassy

I am pushing on in my 30's (edging towards late ) and have only recently met someone I would love to have kids with... The reason being that he is a good person, a great partner, a good friend and a mini-me version of him, I believe, would be an addition to this planet.... It is not because I want a sprog and he is a good catch....

I was engaged before and broke up with him when I was 29 and have had a few unnecessary relationships since then. By unnecessary I mean that I was with them for company but knew they would not be long term and the heartache / headache was not worth the grief. Since the breakup of my engagement I have felt happy to be single, unhappy to be single, happy to have a fling, desperate to have a healthy relationship and so it goes on.. Sometimes I wanted the family and sometimes it was the last thing I wanted. I dont think that women in their 30's are 'desperate' 100% of the time. They change their minds too.... If you dont have a partner, then certain events like Xmas, friends weddings, kids christenings etc can exasperate a feeling of lonliness, however, its great to have a roaring hangover on a Saturday morning and only have to worry about yourself. Of all my friends, and all their marriages, there is only one couple I would wish to trade with... My impression of marraige is that it is hard work and not a journey you should embark on unless he is THE ONE. I have been lonely in a relationship before and its 100 times worse than being single and lonely....

Over the years I have been lucky as I have a few single dynamic female friends in the same age bracket with whom to go out, go on holidays etc. I think if you dont have this support system, and you are a social animal, then its easier to see why people think a relationship is an answer to their problems.

I only thought or dreamt about having a family when a close friend of mine lost her baby a few years ago... She went on to have a healthy baby and I saw the joy this new arrival generated and I think, FOR ME, this is the purpose of life... Many of you will disagree but for me I do believe this is what would be the icing on the cake of what is a good life...

I know the stresses and strains of being a parent and I would rather only embark on this adventure with a partner I adore. I would not settle for second best in this regard and cant understand anyone who does... The reality is that no one knows if they can get pregnant until they do... Why marry someone you dont particularily care for, just to get pregnant and not knowing if it will happen. Marry your best friend and then anything else you get is a blessing.

Dudess

Gorgeous post Sarah.

I think it beautifully takes into account the different mindsets of just about every woman aged between 25 and 40.

beertons

SarahSassy wrote: »

Marry your best friend and then anything else you get is a blessing.

That's lovely. So true.

fits

Lovely post Sarah. Very much how I feel too.

CDfm

A single traditional Irish woman in her thirties - its harsh but they must have something wrong with them and not be living in the real world.

Foreign women all seem to be partnered and are not as self centred so there is competition.

Also -traditional Irish women tend not to be homeowners and expect men to provide the home etc and are desperate to have babies and are so demanding.Dont frighten me with this ultimate consumer.

Maybe because Irish chaps have gotten wise to it and set their heights higher and are looking for a capable intelligient partner. Partner in the real sense of the word.

SarahSassy

CDfm wrote: »

because Irish chaps have gotten wise to it and set their heights higher and are looking for a capable intelligient partner. Partner in the real sense of the word.

To be frank Irish men arent always the best catches either. Europeans tend to be more domesticated and see their partners as equals.. They also dont have this 'she is out to get me' chip on their unbalanced shoulders...

Paddy-boys tend to be in over their heads in debt and tied to the Mammy's apron strings. To find anything else is a coup and he should be grabbed with both hands - literally

CDfm

SarahSassy wrote: »

To find anything else is a coup and he should be grabbed with both hands - literally

Whatever floats your boat:p