The Odd Joke

samhail

"Honey Be Strong!"
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous . If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you, too!'

Podge2k7

Good One:D:D

samhail

This has to be one of my favs !

IRISH DECLARE WAR ON HITLER

Hitler was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr.Hitler," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Hitler replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Hitler sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"


Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hitler, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Hitler sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"


Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hitler, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's plane with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Hitler was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by surface-to-air gun sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hitler, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Hitler. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

samhail wrote: »

This has to be one of my favs !

IRISH DECLARE WAR ON HITLER

Hitler was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr.Hitler," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Hitler replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Hitler sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"


Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hitler, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Hitler sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"


Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hitler, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's plane with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Hitler was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by surface-to-air gun sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hitler, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Hitler. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

That Saddam Hitler must be one seriously evil dude...

dh0661

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

That Saddam Hitler must be one seriously evil dude...

- good joke though.

Hagar

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

That Saddam Hitler must be one seriously evil dude...

He wasn't so bad, that Muhammed Goering put him up to it.

enfield

Guy standing at the bar wearing a cap, scratches his head with his cap still on. Barman says "why not take your cap off when you are scratching your head?"
Guys replies, " Do you take your trousers off when you are scratching your hole"?