Questioning :( (another girl)

LegacyUser

Ok, I haven't really fully verbalised this even in my own mind yet so I hope this ends up making sense.

Right from about age 11 or so I've always kinda wondered about my own sexuality - but only when single. Like, during puberty I had really strong urges to lean over and kiss some of my friends but I knew they were very much homophobic so I could never really experiment. Although I live in Dublin I live in a very gossipy area and everyone knows everyone else. I'm pretty scared of experimenting tbh.

So normally whenever I'm with a guy I feel completely and totally 100% straight. When I'm not with a guy I start to wonder. Like, I've never even kissed a girl but I can't get the thoughts out of my head. During my mid teen years I went through another patch of being very confused and then I met a guy and put it out of my mind. But even then I was on the internet looking a pictures of girls and talking on lesbian forums.

Then I came out of my angsty stage and it's only lately I've kinda started wondering again. I'm 20 now and in a fairly long and committed relationship with a person that I have to admit, has been the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. I'm very much in love with him but, to my shame, recently, I'm not sexually attracted to him - but not just him, men in general. I've been looking at pictures of women on the internet but not the kinda porno ones that guys seem to drool over. The nice ones of beautiful, real women not these plastic creatures ugh I actually really hate the "porn" style girls. But the proper women my god... they're so beautiful. I'd really love to kiss a girl like that and experience it.

I know most of you are probably thinking "so tell him and go experiment" but it's not that simple, mainly because if I ever see girls kissing each other (genuinely not the attention seekers), I can hardly watch. It really disturbs me and I'm not sure why cos I'd really like to try it.

I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I really, really, really love him. He's the sweetest thing I've ever met and I connect with him on a really deep level and the last thing I would want to do is jeopardise our relationship. I'm just so confused. On one hand I'm really attracted to possibly the idea? of being with a girl and on the other hand it makes me really uneasy. I guess it'd just be nice to hear if anyone else has been through something like this. I know you can't solve my problems.

Weidii

It's such a tricky situation you're in.

In my own experience, I was perfectly happy with a guy and then just lost my physical attraction to him, like yourself. I told him that I was bisexual and he encouraged me to go and "experiment" (to save our relationship I think. He thought that by being liberal I'd want to stay with him) I was never comfortable with the idea though.

After a year of not really wanting to be with him we finally broke it off. It was difficult at first, as all breakups are, but now I'm with a girl and I've never felt so happy and "at one" with myself.

I'd say to you to let the relationship run its natural course and then you can look into the fairer gender afterwards. Since you connect so well with your boyfriend you should discuss your feelings with him and see what he thinks about it.

zara_thustra

Hi Weidii,

I was in a similar situation, great boyfriend, sweet as hell, smart, funny, gorgeous and, though at the start I was attracted to him, I gradually just cut him out because I didn't want him sexually. Its nothing to be ashamed of, its a preference! I'm bi and at different times I find myself attracted to different sexes, and from what I hear this isn't unusual! Your only 20, at that age I still hadn't kissed a girl but, like you, I wanted to and was definitely attracted to them.
I would also wonder if the whole googling girl/women thing is down to the fact you are latently bisexual but you've denied it? It tends to manifest itself weather you want it to or not! I ended up accidently meeting a girl, liking her as a person and then realising she was bi too. We've a pretty great relationship now and ,even outside of having someone in my life who makes me happy and content, I got to try out the whole girl arena of sexuality and better understand my own orientation in a safe place with someone who loves me! ( sorry, I'm a sap)
Talk to him, if you think he'd be open to it, or maybe just talk to some bi girls to figure out if this is what you want! Experimentation of this kind is tricky so ground rules are important but it might help, or it might make you realise what you really want, be it your bf or the freedom to figure out who you are!

partyguinness

NOt sure if this helps...

My g/friend has an attraction to women and has slept with a few in her past. She is 33. I have always known this about her so every so often I will take her to a lap dancing club etc for a dance and then buy her a bisexual escort to massage/kiss her etc..(not too often as it is too expensive)...

My point being..is it at all possible for you to explore your attraction for women with your boyfriend? just to test the waters etc