"Out of my league"

Galvasean

Madge wrote: »

Yeah but is it not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

I dunno bout that. Having your heart broken sucks.

rubyrua

Personally I find myself doing the 'He's outta my league' regularly its going to be my new yrs resolution to stop though!!! lol
I agree with previous posters who have said its a case of low self esteem it definitely is cause some of my friends (both male and female) score seriously better looking partners an i think it comes down to a certain amount of confidence and also I guess the willingness to 'put themselves out there' and not fear the rejection! For alot of us we feel putting ppl on the pedistal of 'out of my league' saves the pain and embarrassment of rejection! lets face it nobody likes rejection!
I didnt think men suffered from this as much as women though - guess it really does depend on the individual !

coffee_cake

brianthebard wrote: »

Do girls/wimmins/ladies here ever think this about a guy? I hadn't thought it for a good while (since I grew some confidence) but I know a woman that is quite lovely and it occurred to me that she was out of my league. Doesn't bother me cause there is no chance of anything happening regardless, but it just made me curious as to whether this is something people/women think about at all, or if its something you leave behind in secondary school? Or did you ever think such a thing?

No. Well, I was always a little in awe of my current boyfriend and had convinced myself for a while that someone as generally awesome as him couldn't be interested in me, but that was based on a lot more than just looks. It was also a definite first, but then I'm not really into getting with random people

brianthebard

Galvasean wrote: »

I dunno bout that. Having your heart broken sucks.

Sometimes feeling something is better than feeling nothing.

bluewolf wrote: »

No. Well, I was always a little in awe of my current boyfriend and had convinced myself for a while that someone as generally awesome as him couldn't be interested in me, but that was based on a lot more than just looks. It was also a definite first, but then I'm not really into getting with random people

Do I know your current boyfriend?? Just curious...

Latchy

Boo to that dark place called nothingness !

coffee_cake

brianthebard wrote:

Do I know your current boyfriend?? Just curious...

No

Galvasean

brianthebard wrote: »

Sometimes feeling something is better than feeling nothing.

I dunno, that's why they invented painkillers.

brianthebard

bluewolf wrote: »

No

Fair enough. Yay for being happy with current bf though.

panda100

rubyrua wrote: »

I agree with previous posters who have said its a case of low self esteem it definitely is cause some of my friends (both male and female) score seriously better looking partners an i think it comes down to a certain amount of confidence and also I guess the willingness to 'put themselves out there' and not fear the rejection!

I dunno,I think theres more to this league thing than just low self esteem. I think that there is to a certain degree a number of 'leagues' out there when it comes to looks and status. I find that generally you see men and women of similar atractivness getting together.Its not very usual that you see a ravishingly handsome man with an 'average' looking women, and vice versa.

Wether these leagues are naturally based or societal based im not too sure.Perhaps we say 'someone is out of our league' in response to a natural biological instinct that calls us to mate with someone similar to ourselves?Or perhaps these leagues are formed by the distinct class diffrences in our society? I mean I could be the most self assured person ever, brimming with self esteem but I aint ever gonna get Prince William am I?

spinandscribble

brianthebard wrote: »

Sometimes feeling something is better than feeling nothing.

i'd prefer nothing but it doesn't seem to work that.

brianthebard

spinandscribble wrote: »

i'd prefer nothing but it doesn't seem to work that.

hugs?

Stheno

brianthebard wrote: »

hugs?

Hugs are always good, maybe we should have a "I need a hug" thread.

Anyway hugs to you

brianthebard

hugs!

I approve any and all hugs, cyber or otherwise. hugs thread ftw.

Poccington

Anyone ever have an experience of when you thought someone was out of your league, finally got the bottle to approach them and then realise they were thinking the same thing?

Happened to me once and ended up in quite a great relationship as a result. After that I said I'd never say someone was "out of my league" again... I was lying to myself

allabouteve

brianthebard wrote: »

hugs!

I approve any and all hugs, cyber or otherwise. hugs thread ftw.

Hugslut.

brianthebard

allabouteve wrote: »

Hugslut.

I'm proud to be a hugslut. Free bearhugs for all!

Stheno

brianthebard wrote: »

I'm proud to be a hugslut. Free bearhugs for all!

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

metaoblivia

The "out of my league" thing has never really crossed my mind. I don't really quantify people in leagues. I wouldn't think anyone was out of my league because... I don't know, maybe I'm just that delusional. But at the same time, I wouldn't want anyone to think I was out of their league, because I'm not. Sure, there are people I'm not attracted to or don't have a connection with, but that doesn't make me out of their league. It just means they're meant to have a relationship with someone who suits them better.

spinandscribble

thats a nice prespective meta

Earthhorse

Galvasean wrote: »

I dunno bout that. Having your heart broken sucks.

True, but to paraphrase Bukowski again; if your heart is broken and you know it, then you've still got a heart left to break.

panda100 wrote: »

Perhaps we say 'someone is out of our league' in response to a natural biological instinct that calls us to mate with someone similar to ourselves?

If anything, I would think our biological instinct is to mate with someone different from us, to address genetic shortcomings (if any, right?).

panda100 wrote: »

Or perhaps these leagues are formed by the distinct class diffrences in our society? I mean I could be the most self assured person ever, brimming with self esteem but I aint ever gonna get Prince William am I?

That's more a moving in different circles thing than an out of your league thing, I think.

metaoblivia wrote: »

Sure, there are people I'm not attracted to or don't have a connection with, but that doesn't make me out of their league. It just means they're meant to have a relationship with someone who suits them better.

Again, I agree, but in practise it's not always so easy to be that optimistic, which brings the whole thing back to esteem.

Wibbs

Earthhorse wrote: »

If anything, I would think our biological instinct is to mate with someone different from us, to address genetic shortcomings (if any, right?).

Generally only in immune systems. People tend to go with people of similar social value and social attraction value. So as beauty in women is more socially valued than in men, but social power is more valued in men, you end up seeing the rich old guy with the catwalk model extreme.

Outside of that it's down to looks. Saw an interesting experiment where they got 20 long term couples(of the same age, cultural background and financial background), took pictures of both divided them up and got complete strangers to pick out who was with whom. Also they asked a separate bunch of strangers to grade the 20 men and women on looks alone. The correlation between the looks list in the men and women was almost an exact copy with the couples list. Mr numero uno in the looks dept was shagging Ms numero uno in the looks dept and that held all the way down, through average down to munters.

When they added in wealthy men, this changed. Number 9 man in the looks dept could be going out with number 1 woman. Similar with men marrying "beneath them", they got a better looking wife and the womans social status was raised. Doesn't happen the other way though. Higher social status woman marries lower social status guy and the guy drags her down more.

So yes I would say there is a league no matter how much we all like to think there isn't and it's largely based on social value(looks in women, social power in men at it's very basic). There are loadsa other factors though.

G86

When I first met my ex he was chatting to my friend and I thought 'ah, he's into her, I haven't a chance there', I wasn't being insecure but its just the girl's absolutely stunning like! So when she asked if I liked him I said no, thinking that she was just checking because she liked him herself. Next thing she goes back over to the guy and he walks off! She then proceeds to tell me he was asking her about me the whole time but she told him I wasn't interested! Cue Grá scanning the room to find him again lol!:p We ended up together 5 years then!

Just goes to show....

Dragan

I think often times people find it easier to establish their own mental hurdles rather than actually try and interact with and catch the eye of someone they are interested in.

Nevyn

Dragan wrote: »

I think often times people find it easier to establish their own mental hurdles rather than actually try and interact with and catch the eye of someone they are interested in.

Yup safer that way, that way if you don't try you don't fail but then again you are never gonna win and you are cutting your nose of despite your face and not growing and experiencing new things and people.

Earthhorse

Wibbs wrote: »

Mr numero uno in the looks dept was shagging Ms numero uno in the looks dept and that held all the way down, through average down to munters.

Is that a biological thing or a social construct? i.e. we expect people of similar attractiveness to pair off (all other things being equal). I'm denying the phenomenon, merely whether there is anything biological too it (impossible to tell with only 20 people).

Wibbs wrote: »

So yes I would say there is a league no matter how much we all like to think there isn't and it's largely based on social value(looks in women, social power in men at it's very basic). There are loadsa other factors though.

Well, social value is definitely a social construct and again, I wonder what the numbers on this actually are. We all remember the rich old man with the young beautiful woman but if we were to run numbers on all billionaires, or millionaires, I wonder what the disparity would be? My guess is that we would see an increase in the number of "mismatches" (lookswise) but not as much of an increase as you might think.

allabouteve

Wibbs wrote: »

People tend to go with people of similar social value and social attraction value. So as beauty in women is more socially valued than in men, but social power is more valued in men, you end up seeing the rich old guy with the catwalk model extreme.
.

I suppose in general terms that people go for their near equals in most things. But there are plenty of exceptions on both sides, the most striking and also wealthy friend I have has never gone out with anyone I would consider her male equivilent on any level, but its certainly not a self esteem thing. Attraction is a strange beast.

brianthebard

For those who feel class issues are a reason why people would be out of your league-may I interest you in socialism? All class conflict can be boiled down to economic processes, and there's no reason to feel someone who earns/owns more is above you.

(this was all said in an odd sing song voice in my head btw, not sure why)

Trinity

On the social status issue i just find i have more in common with my own "type".

I'm all for being introduced to new things, food, places but at the end of the day i have the simplest of tastes and i spent my entire 20's trying to be something i just wasnt and trying to "keep up appearances". I could barely keep up with the conversations, i hadnt a clue.

I've never shopped in Brown Thomas, never had designer clothes, dont know the names of any fancy restaurants, (not saying i havent eaten out but my idea of a great meal is Eddie Rockets ) havent been anywhere exotic, and this made me feel even more uncomfortable being me and left me feeling more inferior than ever.

Now days i've accepted who i am. My only regret really is not travelling and i think i had the potential to go to college, to have a good career and blew it, but if i chose to improve myself these days or better educate myself, its for me and not so that i can feel accepted by someone that i perceive as better than me.

brianthebard

You still have the potential to go to college. Not saying one should change for the sake of it, only looking for a way to feel comfortable in one's own skin.

partyguinness

My girlfriend thinks I am out of her league and so do her parents..!!

Not in terms of looks/apperance but because she is a Beauty Therapist and I am a solicitor.

I have no issues with it whatsoever but she sometimes says that she might not deserve me...I went to university and have 3 law degress blah blah which, while it never crossed my mind, she worries that she isnt good enough.

I simply tell her that I am with her beacuse I love her for who she is and her job or education are of no consequence to me.

In fact she runs her own business and is an employer and owns her own house.

In some respects she has a lot more to show for herself than me, I am very proud of her and admire her ability to run her business in very difficult times and perhaps she is out of my league...