one of my many songs

tbaymusicman

well this probably wont make sense without the music but here go's:o:o

will i ever see you face again
well i pray to god i do
the days have been so dark
since you are not around lord im missing you


but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom
i hope i see you sooon so soon

its as simple as a touch when im missing you so much
when you are not around
the warmth of your embrace a smile from your kind face
is all is all i need to feel true

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom
i hope i see you sooon so soon

i wonder where you are
what it is your thinking
are you thinking of me
was it something that iv done
something that i did
to lose someone i love


but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom
i hope i see you sooon so soon

niallon

Hey tbay

A lot of people might brush this off as clichéd and, in essence, there might be some truth in there. But I like it. As you say, without the music it's a little out on it's own and it is in the music where the majority of originality is going to have to be conjured up.

I know it's kind've the hook in the song but I would revisit the "springtime...in bloom" couple, I think it might be a little too obvious.

Apart from that it'd be great to hear a recording and keep it up!

humberklog

I'd agree with Nialon too. But what I wouuuuuuld pitch in is that there's no neeeeeeed to extend the wooooords spelling. Makes it very hard to read and therefore loses a bit of...eh something or otherrrrrrrrr.

tbaymusicman

humberklog wrote: »

I'd agree with Nialon too. But what I wouuuuuuld pitch in is that there's no neeeeeeed to extend the wooooords spelling. Makes it very hard to read and therefore loses a bit of...eh something or otherrrrrrrrr.

how else would you know the word is held:D:D:D

humberklog

I fully get where you're coming from but I don't think that it has the desired effect that you think it does. If you let the words carry the sentiment by themselves it reads stronger than adding in how you percieve it's heard. The extended letters is a bit like discribing the taste of an orange by showing the colour orange. Just my two cents.

humberklog

Oh SH!T tbay I thought I was editing it on quote function but did it on your OP I'm really sorry. If you could put them back the way you had them as I was just deleting off willy-nilly. Really sorry about that it was a big cock up. I wouldn't appreciate it. Sorry.

tbaymusicman

its ok no harm done

Mulan

Nice indeed, but I get abit confussed with the lines

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom

Maybe " the Autum " in stead of your springtime
and then "it took you in full bloom"


I sence there is loss here. The loss of someone young whom you loved.

Just a thought.
Nice one

Whiskey Devil

'Your life it weren't in bloom' bad grammar. That's Alex Turner speak..


It's another one that's hard to critique without music.. It just reads like a thousand songs I've already heard.


Most number 1 singles are the same. :cool:

tbaymusicman

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

'Your life it weren't in bloom' bad grammar. That's Alex Turner speak..


It's another one that's hard to critique without music.. It just reads like a thousand songs I've already heard.


Most number 1 singles are the same. :cool:

ye its quite hard posting songs without music because there just words until the music brings the song to life!!and as for grammar its music who gives a **** about grammar haha

tbaymusicman

Mulan wrote: »

Nice indeed, but I get abit confussed with the lines

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom

well i think it makes perfect sense springtime is the earliest season if like the nursery season as in beginning! and as for (your life it weren't in bloom )it means they died before there time get it:D:D hope that helps

Mulan

Thats another way of looking at it. Maybe the op can answer that one.

Whiskey Devil

Well it's like writing a song about g's and ho's.. seems a little silly written by somebody from Waterford..


Assuming you are from Waterford that is. :pac:

humberklog

Gotta disagree here Whiskey. Grammer me eye. If it rolls with the intent of the song all rules of grammer, spelling and puntuation should be fecked out the window in order to say exactly what you want to say and how you say it. The line you picked out isn't in the same vain as a Blancherdstown rapper using slang straight outta Compton.

Odder thing still is that that was one of the few ines I liked!

Grammer schwammer. Say it as you feel it. If a grammer rule can't be broken then the rock and roll world's fecked altogether. What next? No hookers?

tbaymusicman

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

Well it's like writing a song about g's and ho's.. seems a little silly written by somebody from Waterford..


Assuming you are from Waterford that is. :pac:

ok if you say so

Mulan

Is this a songwriting forum?

tbaymusicman

Mulan wrote: »

Is this a songwriting forum?

what ya mean:)

humberklog

Yep.

humberklog

tbaymusicman wrote: »

what ya mean:)

Ooh that was answering Mulan there.

Mulan

g's, ho's, lunatic haha, talking through your hole etc.

Not much song writing there I'm afraid.

tbaymusicman

Mulan wrote: »

g's, ho's, lunatic haha, talking through your hole etc.

Not much song writing there I'm afraid.

oh sorry i didn't mean to put it so bluntly but i didn't get how me changing life was not to life weren't had anything to do with ho's you know:o

humberklog

I know what you mean Mulan but it is a very quiet forum and it was throwing a bit of edge in. Not sure where it was going but...I'd got the popcorn and slurpy out ready for an After Hours style thwacking fest.

tbaymusicman

humberklog wrote: »

I know what you mean Mulan but it is a very quiet forum and it was throwing a bit of edge in. Not sure where it was going but...I'd got the popcorn and slurpy out ready for an After Hours style thwacking fest.

i edited my post haha and retracted my statement:p
sorry to spoil your fun

humberklog

Wires crossed here I think. I thought Mulan was having a go at whiskey's critique.

tbaymusicman

humberklog wrote: »

Wires crossed here I think. I thought Mulan was having a go at whiskey's critique.

oh i taught he was getting on to me for my retort haha

Mulan

Ok guys we'll start afresh:).

humberklog

Have you any feckin music for that tune Tbay?
How do you go about it? Write words then tune or tune then words or both together?

Whiskey Devil

tbaymusicman wrote: »

ok if you say so

I assumed you posted this because you wanted opinions..

Just to clarify - I've never heard an Irish person use the word weren't in that context. It's like somebody from Ardee singing like a Texan hillbilly - It's not meant as an insult and perhaps you disagree but that's my opinion.

Whiskey Devil

humberklog wrote: »

Gotta disagree here Whiskey. Grammer me eye. If it rolls with the intent of the song all rules of grammer, spelling and puntuation should be fecked out the window in order to say exactly what you want to say and how you say it. The line you picked out isn't in the same vain as a Blancherdstown rapper using slang straight outta Compton.

Odder thing still is that that was one of the few ines I liked!

Grammer schwammer. Say it as you feel it. If a grammer rule can't be broken then the rock and roll world's fecked altogether. What next? No hookers?

Fair point. One of the difficulties with these forums is it's hard to critique words on a page without hearing music - you could have the worst lyrics in the world but the best melody ever written or vice versa and we may never know.

I just comment on the lyrics as I see them. Different smokes for different folks.

Aridstarling

I'll agree with Whiskey Devil on this, bad grammar in a song wrecks my head. It comes across as immature, makes it seem like you couldn't be bothered.

I'll attempt a proper crit. Typing corrected, another thing that shuzzles my gazzut.

Will I ever see your face again?
Well I pray to god I do.
The days have been so dark,
Since you are not around, Lord, I'm missing you.

Nothing original here, sets the stall out for the rest of the song's story though so I suppose so thats a positive.


But your springtime came too soon,
Your life it weren't in bloom,
I hope I see you soon, so soon.

The grammar! Its been discussed, but I think it takes away from the song. Otherwise, not a bad chorus.

Its as simple as a touch when Im missing you so much,
When you are not around.
The warmth of your embrace a smile from your kind face,
Is all is all I need to feel true.

Again, lack of originality or artistic idea here is my main criticism. The line "When you are not around" feels wierd, too simplistic. Is there not a better way you could put this?

But your springtime came too soon,
Your life it weren't in bloom,
I hope I see you soon, so soon.

I wonder where you are,
What it is your thinking,
Are you thinking of me?
Was it something that I've done?
Something that I did
To lose someone I love?

First half of this bit could use a rewrite, the second is the best bit of the song, the flow works really well.

But your springtime came too soon,
Your life it weren't in bloom,
I hope I see you soon, so soon.


Thats it from me I think, keep at it!

tbaymusicman

humberklog wrote: »

Have you any feckin music for that tune Tbay?
How do you go about it? Write words then tune or tune then words or both together?

normally just write both at the same time or the music 1st

tbaymusicman

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

I assumed you posted this because you wanted opinions..

Just to clarify - I've never heard an Irish person use the word weren't in that context. It's like somebody from Ardee singing like a Texan hillbilly - It's not meant as an insult and perhaps you disagree but that's my opinion.

well i dont want a ridiculous comment about how i cant say werent rather then writing was not!!!its ridiculous like and people can sing about what ever they choose too and write about what ever they choose too no matter where there from!!

im not getting thick with you im just stating that saying you need to use proper grammar depending on where your from is ridiculous:rolleyes::rolleyes:

tbaymusicman

Aridstarling wrote: »

bad grammar in a song wrecks my head.

seriously how does grammar matter and as for originality i mean come on????
where are all you and whiskey devils songs at least im putting them out there for your opinions man:(:(:(

Aridstarling

As a writer grammar matters. You cant seriously consider yourself a good writer if you dont use proper grammer. Its like playing guitar and not knowing any chords. Or really like playing guitar with a few strings missing...

You may be putting them out there but you're not listening to our comments. We're just trying to help.

You want to hear some of my songs? Give me a few minutes, I'm just on a break from recording them. Once thats done I'll let you see, theres no point putting them up before that because they might change at the last minute. So maybe tomorrow you can criticise me untill the cows come home if you wish.

Whiskey Devil

So my opinion is stupid because you don't agree. :pac:

If you can't take criticism don't put up your songs up. :rolleyes:


I found this forum 2 days ago so I'll post songs when I feel like it, not when you tell me too.

humberklog

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

If you can't take criticism don't put up your songs up. :rolleyes:

Did you miss read one of the stickys or are you making the rules up as you go?


Whiskey criticism is welcomed but if the person your criticizing doesn't like it then it's up to you to back off. You've said your part and that will do.

Don't take the criticism on thread and develop it into an arguement and away from the OP.

Don't go telling people what they can and can't do.

Your more than welcome to start your own thread yourself re discussion on this topic.

Just cool the jets. Enough said on the matter.

Whiskey Devil

OK, I don't think there's any point on me commenting on this or any of tbaymusicman's other posts. I wasn't getting shirty I just don't understand the attitude problem.

If I'm not supposed to post this here - feel free to delete it.

tbaymusicman

Aridstarling wrote: »

As a writer grammar matters. You cant seriously consider yourself a good writer if you dont use proper grammer. Its like playing guitar and not knowing any chords. Or really like playing guitar with a few strings missing...

You may be putting them out there but you're not listening to our comments. We're just trying to help.

You want to hear some of my songs? Give me a few minutes, I'm just on a break from recording them. Once thats done I'll let you see, theres no point putting them up before that because they might change at the last minute. So maybe tomorrow you can criticise me untill the cows come home if you wish.

what im not writing books dude im writing songs????put is as was not if it makes you feel better but weren't just flows with the music and thats whats matters right??

tbaymusicman

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

OK, I don't think there's any point on me commenting on this or any of tbaymusicman's other posts. I wasn't getting shirty I just don't understand the attitude problem.

If I'm not supposed to post this here - feel free to delete it.

whiskey dont be daft man i appreciate your criticism im just stating that saying weren't has noting to do with me writing about something of no meaning to me you get me??????i'l try record it and then with the music its more understandable so feel free to be my number one critic;):)dont worry about the attitude it'l make sense when you hear it

Aridstarling

I guess if it was me I'd just change the line to fit. Whatever, its up to you.

tbaymusicman

Aridstarling wrote: »

I guess if it was me I'd just change the line to fit. Whatever, its up to you.

ding ding ding we have a winner its all about musical integrity if we all worte the same how would any music be different:D:D:D

Aridstarling

Way to miss the point man.

tbaymusicman

Aridstarling wrote: »

Way to miss the point man.

your point is i should use proper grammar to write my song(read it again my songs) dude how in gods name now really does grammar have to do with writing songs seriously????just cause you wish to write songs with proper grammar does that mean everyone else does???like i dont get it why does one word in a song chorus irritate you???

donkeypop

Hello,

You can really only get away with incorrect grammar if you are intentionally aping or parodying a certain local dialect (usually your own) where that particular piece of "incorrect" grammar is colloquial.

Songwriters like Lily Allen, Kate Nash, Alex Turner, and Mike Skinner use heavily-accented singing/rapping voices and write with "bad" local grammar deliberately for effect.

As a songwriter you can sacrifice a certain amount for cadence, like using "gonna" instead of "going to" or "ain't" instead of "isn't", but you should demonstrate a modicum of self-awareness about doing this.

If you are interested in any type of writing you should do all you can to understand the language that you are writing in. It is as important to your craft as learning to play the guitar or sing.

***

The other problem with your chorus is that it does not make sense. Springtime is when things bloom. If spring comes early, late, or "too soon", everything still "blooms". Perhaps the writer should be sorry that he has missed the "bloom"?

Your springtime came too soon,
now I'll never see you bloom,
But soon I'll bloom for you, so soon.

tbaymusicman

donkeypop wrote: »

Hello,

You can really only get away with incorrect grammar if you are intentionally aping or parodying a certain local dialect (usually your own) where that particular piece of "incorrect" grammar is colloquial.

Songwriters like Lily Allen, Kate Nash, Alex Turner, and Mike Skinner use heavily-accented singing/rapping voices and write with "bad" local grammar deliberately for effect.

As a songwriter you can sacrifice a certain amount for cadence, like using "gonna" instead of "going to" or "ain't" instead of "isn't", but you should demonstrate a modicum of self-awareness about doing this.

If you are interested in any type of writing you should do all you can to understand the language that you are writing in. It is as important to your craft as learning to play the guitar or sing.

***

The other problem with your chorus is that it does not make sense. Springtime is when things bloom. If spring comes early, late, or "too soon", everything still "blooms". Perhaps the writer should be sorry that he has missed the "bloom"?

Your springtime came too soon,
now I'll never see you bloom,
But soon I'll bloom for you, so soon.

good first post dude;) not going change it do it just fits when you hear it