21 Times Around The Sun

niallon

I meant to post this up a lifetime ago but sure, non time like the present!

Two of my friends, twin brothers were turning 21 in Summer 08 and had the notion of when you've turned 21, even if you think you've achieved nothing or if the world is getting you down etc. as a human being, you have gone around the sun 21 times! Incredible right? So with the title 21 Times Around The Sun donated to the cause I set to work on this:

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=269SOCa81qY

"21 Times Around The Sun"

It was always gonna be hard
Making it this far
Putting up with all the pain
And dealing with the scars
But in the end the wounds they mend
And I'm here standing tall
I've broken through the road blocks
No longer shall I fall
It may not seem like a lot to you
Cause 21 is not a lot it's true
But in so little time I've lived life through
I'm worn out but I've so much left to do

I've been, 21 times around the sun
And so much has come and gone
The world don't even know I'm here
But I'm only half way done

In so little time so much has
Come that's changed my life
Friends I've made and most have stayed
To be there all the time
To sing a song, play jokes on
And party till the dawn
Here's to you who've stuck around and
Here's to you who've gone
Life has made it very clear that
We're not here forever
So keeping things inside and holding
Back is not so clever
In the end the clock will win
And you'll be wondering why
You wasted so much of your time

So when you're 21 times around the sun
Make sure you let the world see
That you are number one
Don't hold back no don't think twice
You've only got one try
To prove them wrong, it won't take long
To spread your wings and fly
21 times around the sun so much has come and gone
The world don't even know I'm here but I'm not even half way done



I mess the lyrics up in the video a tad, the printed ones are correct!

Any thoughts and opinions welcome!

cufroige

Hi Niallon

I love the concept, It's a great idea..

However...(yikes)

You need to edit big time here... There's wayyyyy to many lyrics. I'm afraid it goes on forever...

I watched you performing it on youtube..As it was I couldn't take to it..
BUT....as I said, I LOVE the idea behind the song & Niallon THIS is the hardest part...finding something WORTH writing about.. So you're on a winner

You just need some structure, best way? Listen to LOTS & LOTS of music & see how songs you love are structured (stay clear of epics..for now focus on radio friendly songs to find basic songbuilding structures)

Try cutting your song down in length..try & get it all wrapped up by 3.30mins..you will lose your audience fast if it's too long /unstructured/too many words

There is plenty to work with..just tighten it up. I'll say it again...Keep structure in mind ALWAYS when you listen to music on the radio/cd's & pay close attention..

As an excercise, Try drafting 'another' version with JUST the following criteria.. It doesn't mean binning your original version..it's a good & necessary practice for songwriting.. start with the very basics...

Verse
Chorus

Verse
Chorus

Verse
Chorus
Repeat Chorus

This should leave you at about 2.30/ 3mins of song


Don't worry about a bridge, instrumental, nothing else

Just do the above format (keep it to 4 lines in your verses & Choruses to start with) and see how it feels. Get that 21 times round the sun concept across, it really is a fantastic idea!!

As a beginner, song format, structures & rules are your tools..use them..
You need a starting place..And of course direction...the rules help you achieve definition & skill
Even the Beatles started with very simple structures


Well done on the idea & keep writing...

If you do change it around..keep posting for feedback ...good luck!!:cool:

niallon

Thanks very much for the feedback and believe me, it is being noted.

Ideally I would love to get the proper full on recorded version online. As you said, it goes On and On as it is. In the full band set up there is a lot more variation and it does build up to a far better crescendo.

Though interesting point about radio friendly, I think as is this would p**s off a lot of DJs!

cufroige

niallon wrote: »

Thanks very much for the feedback and believe me, it is being noted.

Ideally I would love to get the proper full on recorded version online. As you said, it goes On and On as it is. In the full band set up there is a lot more variation and it does build up to a far better crescendo.

Though interesting point about radio friendly, I think as is this would p**s off a lot of DJs!

Forget about DJ's...you've a lot of work to do here, and I say that because you need to realize the importance of learning to edit your own work in order to progress..
I'm not a meaner in saying that...please don't be offended

I am still 'working' on one song in particular that I started years ago.. I got so fed up that I gave up completely for 5 years..I have returned to it now with a better structured approach. And added Maturity...hehe ...I was writing about a relationship I was in at the time & I couldn't really get the perspective I have now that it's over & I'm removed.

Keep us posted..& keep it up..Really, your song idea has huge potential

humberklog

Without doubt you've got talent. Without doubt you've got the makings of a stong, listenable, clear voice, without doubt you can construct a tune and play it on guitar. All very, very good and the most important attributes.

I'm just not convinced that this song, in this arrangement, at this length is doing you full justice.

niallon

Cheers, been a while since I've received a compliment of such sincerety!

I think it's time I worked that little bit harder on a proper full on arrangment of this one as the general opinion seems to be the same. Without sounding like I'm trying to excuse myself, this does work a hell of a lot better in a full band, mainly due to the more layered melody provided by a lead guitar.

As a point of interest, feel free to check out my other YouTube videos for a better idea (mainly from the covers I suppose) of where my musical interests reside.

All the best
Nially

Mulan

Nice concept. Well done.

I find it hard to think of matter to right about. I think this has the stuff

tbaymusicman

good song great lyrics terrible structure that song has so so so so so much potential and i mean that from the bottom of my heart