Blind drunk

LegacyUser

I’m not sure if I’m just getting this off my chest or if I want someone to tell me what to do…. About 4 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. He still loves me and wants me back but he has a very bad drink problem and won’t get help. He’s in the pub 8/9 hours a day and only stops drinking when he runs out of money. He calls me a couple of times every day and more often than not he is drunk. I know I need to cut all contact with him but I can’t. Why? Because if anything happened to him I would never forgive myself…. I try to encourge him to give up the drink and I ask him not to ring me when he’s drinking but he forgets when he’s drunk… I don’t love him anymore but I still care about him and I don’t want to hurt him. How can I get him to see what the drink is doing to him.

cantdecide

Have you considered appraoching his family?? You can just tell them you've had enough and you have to go but you're worried about him...

Miss Fluff

There was an interesting programme on C4 recently about Paul Gasgoigne and his family's struggle to get him into rehab. If you can get past the complete and utter chavdom and b0ll0cks in between some of it made pretty compelling watching. Essentially the message was no matter how much you love someone on a self destruct mission there is absolutely nothing you can do, bar expend all your own energy and ruin your own life on someone who is going to kill themselves through their addiction anyway. Not being unsympathethic to you OP, it is terribly difficult but I think the point the therapist made in the programme is that with any addiction the addict has to really want it too. Pretty sad really even if he is an obnoxious knack. Here's the link, might be worth a watch though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-V5k03dqXA

Altar_Ego_Boy

Your ex is at the age where he needs to take responsibility for himself and so you have no obligation to care for him.

In my experience people with dependency on alcohol will exceed all expectations in their ability to hurt those around them.

I know that most people are capable of changing their habits but it is likely that you will suffer from his addiction if you allow him back into your life.

If you really dont love him anymore then it would be wise if you severed ties with him.

japbyrne

If he is in the pub 8/9 hours a day, and dosen't leave untill he is drunk.
What good is he to you.get out while you can,if you end up pregnant he has neither the sense or the money to help you.

username123

Hi OP,
Would you think about going to Alanon - its a support group for people affected by other peoples drinking. It doesnt matter if youve broken up or not, if you have or have had a relationship with someone with an alcohol dependency problem you will have been affected to some degree.

Alanon helps to show the best way forward for YOU - its about you, not your ex.
If you would like some more information on it please feel free to pm me.

Burial

Your not in a relationship with this guy anymore. This guy isn't willing to get help or even try to change his habits. You've tried to help him, and there is nothing more you can do. Make it clear to him that if he doesn't get help he will lose all contact with you. Ask the mobile phone company to block his number from contacting you again.

If this route isn't for you, everytime he's drunk on the phone say something like, "Your drunk. I won't speak to you if you've been drinking" and hang up the phone. Make sure he understands what he's losing if he continues this.

Of course, despite my suggestions, I'd recommend asking for help off some charity or organistations that know how to do deal with this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your advice, will take it on board. His family know what he is like and say that he is selfish and I am better off without him. Problem is he's a lovely guy when he's not drinking. I know I'm better off out of the relationship I just wish it didn't have so hard. He needs to get help but he's too stuborn. I know he has to make that decision for himself but I still feel I should be there for him as a friend and if I cut all contact I will worry myself sick wondering how he is. I hung up on him this morning because he was back in the pub and he hasn't rang since but I know he'll ring this evening when he gets back to his empty house....

mazcon

username123 wrote: »

Hi OP,
Would you think about going to Alanon - its a support group for people affected by other peoples drinking. It doesnt matter if youve broken up or not, if you have or have had a relationship with someone with an alcohol dependency problem you will have been affected to some degree.

Alanon helps to show the best way forward for YOU - its about you, not your ex.
If you would like some more information on it please feel free to pm me.

I would second this advice. You are still caught up in his behaviour and need help to learn to detach from his drinking. Alanon has a saying; "Changed attitudes aid recovery." You will learn a different way to relate to your ex and that might cause a change in him.

Darragh29

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for all your advice, will take it on board. His family know what he is like and say that he is selfish and I am better off without him. Problem is he's a lovely guy when he's not drinking. I know I'm better off out of the relationship I just wish it didn't have so hard. He needs to get help but he's too stuborn. I know he has to make that decision for himself but I still feel I should be there for him as a friend and if I cut all contact I will worry myself sick wondering how he is. I hung up on him this morning because he was back in the pub and he hasn't rang since but I know he'll ring this evening when he gets back to his empty house....

Where does he get the money to spend 8-9 hours a day in the pub???

studiorat

Missus!

Tough Love, Really. Tell him to **** off till he's sorted himself out. Get on with living your own life you aren't his mother. If you keep letting him use you he will keep doing it. Tell him it's shape up or ship out, he won't listen any other way. Number out of mobile phone the lot. Make sure you have friends around if you think he is going to try contact you.

Anyone who does a daily stint drinking like that is in big trouble.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately you can't do anything its up to him to admit he has a problem and seek the help, and when or if he does thats when you can be there as a friend. I went through the same thing with my dad for years but he finally got help in the end. Unfortunately i'm going through the same thing with my mother now and all i can do is sit back and wait for her to ask for help, i've tried talking to her but nothing works. Its painful and hard to sit back and watch them destroy themselves but its all you can do for now.

Good luck op

CDfm

If you dont love him there is the answer.

Maybe he is not ready to sttle down to the lifestyle you want. If he played golf or did whatever that took up all his time you could feel the same and its time you move on.

People change and you may feel he has chosen his social life over you - but after time our views change.

You probably saw him as you anticipated he could be. But thats not how he is.

I know it sounds harsh but your ex is responsible for himself and now he is your ex its none of your business.

ruxpin82

hey OP, as harsh as it sounds, you need to get him the hell out of your life. he's drinking himself to oblivion, whatever happens to him is not your fault or problem, no amount of help will make him change unless he wants to change himself. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE TO LIVE. fair play for having the courage to dump his ass, next step is probably to cut contact. Just weigh things up, what positive contribution can an alco make to your life? what would a future be like with him? do you believe he could actually control his drinking?
Life is too short, seriously.

Agent J

Survival 101 kicks in here.

You are not and cannot be responable for someone else like that. Im sure at this point you have tried your best but its becoming detrimenal to your own life.

I would cut all contact immediatly no matter what. If something happens to them, they are an adult and are responable for their own actions.
There is a potential upside to this as it might give him enough of a jolt to cop the hell on.

Your own sanity is more important and when it gets to the point where his contact is being detrimental then you have to make a choice between him and you.

Fysh

Unregistered wrote: »

Problem is he's a lovely guy when he's not drinking.
I know I'm better off out of the relationship I just wish it didn't have so hard. He needs to get help but he's too stuborn.
I know he has to make that decision for himself but I still feel I should be there for him as a friend and if I cut all contact I will worry myself sick wondering how he is.

Sounds to me like there are two issues here:

1) He's drinking himself to death. Which is his problem, not yours.
2) Though you've broken up with him, you're not getting over him.

You haven't cut contact with him, you still worry about him, you want to help him....forget all that crap. You've broken up with him. He has to fend for himself. Part of that is not being able to rely on you when he's pissed and looking for support/affection/someone who'll put up with his sh*te.

Ignore his calls, stop talking to him, start doing new things to distract yourself from him. Sooner or later you're going to have to accept that if he wants to drink himself to death, he'll do it whether or not you spend the rest of your life trying to make him stop. Neither you nor anyone else in the world will stop him drinking if he doesn't want to.

Take some time to get yourself back on track and get used to being single again, and then get on with your life. If, at that stage, you decide that you can strike up a friendship with him, go for it. Right now whatever notions of friendship you have are coloured in a completely unrealistic way by your recent history with him.

estar

do him a favour - sit him down and tell him that when he is sober to contact you but not until that has been the case for 6 months.

maybe that will work to get him into getting sober and maybe it wont.

but for you this is a waste of time until he has sorted himself out.

he is on that downward slope and you can't stop him or help him.

he can onyl do that himself.

if something does happen to him, its because he let it.

Nevyn

You need to let go but it can be hard to do that and so see how his behaviour is impacting on you and effecing your actions/reactions be they emotional/mental or physical.

I would suggest that either way if you cut contact or not that you consider going to an al anon meeting. They are support group meeting for people who have a person who abuses drink in thier life.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

There are meetings all over the country and you will find people willing to listen to you and by listening to them tell thier stories and what and how they coped you migth find away to help yourself.

You can't help him, you can't fix him, he has to take his steps to gaining control over his life himself.

LegacyUser

He rang me this morning but I didn't answer. I text him after and told him I wasn't going to talk to him for a while and not to ring me. I told him that I was fed up with his drinking and that I couldn't handle it any more. I just have to follow through with that now. Thanks again for all your advice.

Salome

You've done the right thing - I know you probably don't think that right now but you really have done the right thing.

CDfm

Salome wrote: »

You've done the right thing - I know you probably don't think that right now but you really have done the right thing.

I am a bit sceptical and I will explain.Using guilt or blackmail to force a behaviour change is wrong.

If the guy is using the relationship as a stop gap - its not fair if he misleads her saying he is in the pub with his mates when he is playing the field.

Families normally stick with their own -so wont come out and say it.

Either way I think the OP is gullible and vulnerable -maybe he has borrowed money or whatever from her and this is just an excuse to shift attention from what is being done.

So OP if this guy isnt right for you end it -just dont look for excuses to justify it.

LegacyUser

Well done OP.
You have done the hard bit, breaking off all contact. Just keep it up.
You canot help him at all. Only he can do that.
Alcohol is a crutch for him.
You are another. Some alcoholics are brilliant manipulators ( I've seen it many times, I worked in a pub for years). He knows exactly what buttons to push to have you coming running.

If you wish, meet a member of the family (away from him of course) and let them know that you canot and will not have anything more to do with him. They already know what hes like and will not blame you in any way.

Then just walk away.
Your own well being and sanity are most important to you. Be selfish for once, look after yourself.

As far as I know your mobile phone operator can bar all contact from his number.

Be strong