Single mum to wee lad needs advice

leebee77

Hi everyone

im just looking for a wee bit of advice and support i guess. I am 31 years old and moved with my son, who is now 8, from Scotland to Galway a couple years ago. I am a single parent. I never really settled in town (maybe because im from a rural place originally) and found it hard to meet people. Although my son is happy in school after school it would always be just the two of us. Kids just dont seem to socialise out of school. He is involved in swimming classes and cubs but again the friendships dont go outside of the class. I just felt so sad for him and perhaps compared it to my own childhood which was so so different. We were never in the house and always out playing and having great adventures! we love each others company but both need something more.
I decided then in December to move out of town and am living in Connemara. I thought this could provide my son with a better upbringing and the chance to meet new friends and experience a more satisfying childhood. So far we havent met any other families and although we love having the open space and the beauty I dont know now if i have made the right decision.

I am also aware that as he has no male role models or male examples to learn by. Things like he still sits down to pee and loves discussing my clothes and makeup!! wee things maybe but i worry. Thats a whole new threat i guess.

I just feel sad for him and dont know what to do. he is nine this year and his childhood is dissapearing fast. I want him to be able to look back on his childhood and recall great adventures and fun! We do have fab time together but isnt he missing out not having that comarade with other peers?

Im sorry for the long winded message but its been good to vent! any advice or words of wisdom would be so gratefull.

cheers

leebee77

Ment to say 'whole new THREAD' in post there not 'threat'!!

beth-lou

What about asking some of his friends from his class over for a play date? This is how kids play nowadays. Unfortunately they no longer run around the streets like we did. But if he has a good friend in his class, a good idea is to ask that kid over at least once a week. Usually this works both ways and they develop outside interests in this way. You could suggest it to him and then get his friends parents number and take it from there.
Hope this helps.

smelltheglove

I would agree with Beth. Some kids aren't as good at socialising as others also and need a little push. I know my little brother and his best frined were very very attached and only played with each other. When my brother moved his friend did not socialise with any other boys apart from when my brother came to visit. Sometimes children attach themselves to just one child but they will keep this friend through life rather than chopping and changing.

I would recomment what Beth says. I live in an estate with a fair few kids yet the parents all seem so nervous about their kids that they just dont go out to play which is a sad state of affairs really, my dughter loves playing with other kids but it is almost like socialising is being discouraged as no matter how many kids there are around none of them seem to be out playing at all.

Nevyn

Why not see if there is a big brother/ big sister program near you ?

luckat

Maybe ask local mothers what kind of activities there are for kids. I lived in Connemara for a bit, and there was a local girl teaching the kids to sing sean-nós, for instance, one night a week. There may also be junior Gaelic and soccer clubs, etc.

Also, as you get to know the mothers, the little lad will also get to know their kids.

Remember that it's winter, and not so much socialising happens in winter. And as for the swimming and cubs not extending to friendships outside the class, give it a little time. It can happen suddenly - kids take off with one friendship, then a bunch of other friendships clump together with that.

As for peeing sitting down, try tearing up paper and dropping it into the loo and getting him to sink it by peeing on it, a particularly male pleasure.

Das Kitty

I don't know where abouts you live but in Carraroe there are usually classes going on. My husband's younger sister does Arts & Crafts and Hip-Hop dance out there.

Does your son speak Irish? If so would you consider sending him to a Campa Saoire? There are quite a few around. I would recommend the day course in Scoil Sailerna in Inverin as there are a lot of local kids that go to it every year as well as some from the city and some from Dublin. The teachers are also very good at coaxing the introverted kids out of their shells and getting them to join in.

Activities are the way to go. A woman I work with has a child a little older than your son who was the very same. She encouraged her to try out for the local musical society (in Loughrea) and she got a chorus part in the Christmas musical. Apparently there are friends phoning all the time now!

The great thing about Connemara is the community spirit and there is always a lot to get involved with.

I would also suggest you set an example for him by meeting new people as well, Apparently there is quite a good book-club in Carraroe as well.

di11on

Hey OP.

There's two sides to this.

On the one hand, your son's life has most definitely been enriched by experiencing different countries and rural and urban life styles and you should be proud of yourself for offering him this.

But on the other hand, your concerns a quite valid - lack of a male role model and lack of friends etc.

I can definitely confirm the above comments about play dates etc. That is definitely what I've observed. No hanging around on the street playing rally rally 1 2 3 till 9pm at night any more :-)

Have you siblings? Does your little fella have any cousins or uncles? Would it be worth moving closer to family for some support? Just something to consider.

IsThatSo?

Re peeing, you can also put a wine bottle cork in the toiled and get him to aim, it bobs around so he would have to follow it

Its a toilet training trick I used but would work for your situation also.

Friendships will come, but it may get harder as he gets older so get moving on it now. As he makes friends you will also make friends with the parents so its something that ye can do together until he doesn't want you listening in on the life changing important conversations that he will have with his buddies :pac:

Inviting children to the house and extra curricular activities are the only option really.

leebee77

Thanks everyone for all your advice and words of encouragement!! He is a happy wee boy and does have good friends at school. The majority are all girls to be honest and although i know it is not important what sex his pals are I just wish he had some form of male company either in his peers or in his elders.
My brother does live in Ireland too but he is very much a lads lad who thinks my son should be playing/watching football/soccer not painting and role play and calls him a baby for calling me mummy at eight and not mum so im not conviced he is best example or role model.
Anyhoo i shall take aboard all you fab folks advice and hopefully with the brighter nights on the way we will meet some folk out walking or down the beach.

hope you all have great weekend.

planetX

hi, I'm in a similar boat - my son is seven. I find the playdates very difficult. Where my son goes to school I think I'm the only single parent, and his friends all seem to come from big families. They don't need playdates, they are busy with brothers and sisters, and I often feel like the parents are unwilling, that it's extra work. My son doesn't like football, so that's the GAA out of the question. I bring him to classes - art on Saturdays, martial arts on a week day, but like you found, it doesn't lead to a situation where you can ask someone over. I feel v badly for my son too - it's quite a lonely way to grow up, and I'm basically his playmate when he gets home. Sorry, no advice, but you're not alone in this.

akaredtop

If you look at the local Gaa club and to see if they run a juvenile training programme for football and hurling.A good way to build up a network of friends.

leebee77

PlanetX..thank you for your message. It doesnt matter that you didnt have advice you made me feel not so alone and desperate in this situation.
I think wee boys are very resiliant but i feel sad for my son, especially being an only child but what can we do!
I dont know if you are in Galway but if you are then let me know and maybe we could arrange to meet up and the kids can hang out.

Take care.

lostinnappies

Hey there Leebee,

Im also in Galway and have a 4 and 1 year old. Also 31 lol. All the advice given above is fantastic .... as you will always find on this forum lol. I kind of know how you feel, we moved to UK from here for a while and didnt know anyone. While there was my husband and myself there my oh used to work 13 hours a day and little fella never really saw him monday to friday and he was always knackered on the weekends. My little fella had no realitives living near by and so had no experience of extended family or staying with anyone else other then us but I did make a few really good friends who loved having him over so it compensated. Perhaps you could do the same? We have since moved back and both my little fellas are spoilt rotten now lol.

Fatswaldo

As several other posters here have pointed out, sports clubs are really good. Doesnt matter if soccer, rugby, hurling, football or whatever. My eldest is not a footballer but found by chance that kickboxing is his thing!

I coach hurling and soccer at U8/U10 level and both boys and girls thrive in this environment, no matter what their ability or interest level. Last year, some of the mums started to use the time to have a walk (and a get to know you chat) around the GAAs grounds. Any 'nervous' kid knew their parent was nearby and mum was exercising, making friends and not fretting about her little one. After a couple of week you can really see the differences and new friendships grow quickly (we have kids from 4 different schools who might not know one another otherwise). Thing is to keep at it - dont give up. Those who persevere really benefit.

BTW - the trick with the wine cork works wonders. I have three boys (13 to 6) who all had this target practice!

Superdaddy

As a kid that grew up in the countryside and moved about a bit, i have a little experience of what your son went through. I was not into GAA or soccer so i had to find other ways to socialise. Thankfully i had a great dad to guide me and introduce me to the life i love now. Try your local angling club, they often have juvenile events and boys meet up and take up fishing and there are evening fly tying classes in the winter and loads of competitions in the summer. I think the last thing your lad needs is Hip Hop dancing. He needs exposure to men and to find some male role models. Be sure to make a big deal of his birthday and invite all his school friends to a party at your house and their parents for yourself too. Also buy him a nice energetic dog like a springer or lurcher that he can get out in the countryside with. Best of luck.

planetX

Hi Leebee, sent you a pm