Monday Funnies

gerTheGreat

Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.

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Italian Speaking

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Rabbinical Wisdom

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS .
So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.
Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised; wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks."
But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: '"Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."
The man did not understand: "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS ?"
It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed."

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A guy and his alligator

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator.
Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.
The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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Silence is golden

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

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The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





























The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling****.





























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

Podge2k7

Good stuff.!