Commitment

JackieO

Ok Ladies,

So a quick question in relation to commitment.

Bit of background first: Been going out with the BF for 1.5 yrs and absolutely mad about him and pretty sure that he feels the same way about me and we are extremely happy together on all fronts.

Only thing is, I've purposely never instigated the whole "where is this going" conversation and neither has he. Neither of us are really into analysing the whole relationship on a detailed level, we just go with the flo.

We live on opposite sides of the country and make sure we see each other every weekend for 2/3 nights at least. So I'm quite happy with that even though we would both prefer to be spending more time together.

And this is what I'm wondering about. Ultimately, I know I will have to move to where he lives as he is self employed and my job is more mobile. Only problem is that I have my own house here and he is still living at home/

Anyway, thats not really what I'm worried about. What really concerns me is that he has never even mentioned the long term future or where we are going. I have an idea in my head what our options are but he has never even brought it up. It can't have escaped his attention as his friends have started to comment on my moving to his locality recently and he's been there for those conversations.

I just don't want to bring up the whole thing as I get the impression that he feels that he has nothing to offer becuase he has an elderly parent to look after and moving out of home is not an option for him right now.

All that being said, I do feel at our age (early thirties) and mad about each other, its not too soon to be making a few plans for the future. Or not even making plans, but at least had a chat about where this relationship is going. Am I being unreasonsable?

4zn76tysfajdxp

JackieO wrote: »

Am I being unreasonsable?

I don't think so, just approach the subject carefully I'd say. What I mean by that is don't jump out from behind a wall screaming "WHERE ARE WE GOING???" when he's coming home from work. Try not to freak him out.*






*Disclaimer: The above post is the opinion of Frada and Frada only. You are free to follow his advice but be aware, Frada doesn't know anything about anything so he's probably very wrong and an idiot.

minidazzler

Hand him a clock with the word Biological written on it. (This is if you actually want kids), he should get the Idea.

Or you could go for the road less taken, and outright ask him if he thinks your relationship is going anywhere?

Remember, alot of men DO NOT TAKE HINTS. even if we know you are hinting there is a good chance we will avoid it. Say it outright.

The Sweeper

I'd open with

"Would you be uncomfortable if we had a conversation about our whole relationship and what we want out of life?"

(Loaded question? Yes. I know. Thank me later. )

I find that with these things, it's never a good idea to start with "You know, we've been together for X amount of time..." because that puts the idea of time limits on a relationship. E.g. we're dating a year, so we have to move in. We've moved in two years, we have to get married. We're married a year, let's start trying for a baby. Our child is two years old, let's start trying for a second child.

Time is important, but it can make people feel unrealistically governed by things out of their control.

I'd just start by laying how YOU feel out there. It's risky, but it's important. You have to open yourself up. "I'm really crazy about you. I love our relationship, it's so comfortable and we seem to fit really well. I'd love to see more of you, but at the moment, that would mean a pretty big change. I'm interested in whether you've thought about it at all."

If he cuts you dead with a blank "No I haven't", then the best thing to do is back off, but say "Okay, well will you think about it and come back to me please?" (In otherwords, don't go "What? You haven't thought about it? Well what the hell do you think I am? Sex on tap? Chopped liver?")

seanybiker

Two of ye are as bad as each other. You wont bring it up and he wont bring it up. Maybe he is thinking same thing about you as you are about him.

bealbocht

you could try something under the guise of "accommodation".

ie "if we were to live together, how would we go about it" (or something similar)

It is probably just as complicated, due to your respective situations.

You say you live in opposite parts of the country, and then say , "you moved into his locality" ??

What do you mean by "his locality".

Have you moved? If you have moved near him, and your relationship, is no longer restriced to weekends, I would do nothing for a good few months and see how that works out.

If you are still on opposite sides ... you could try saying something like " would'nt it be nice to not be alone/sleep alone during the week" .. and see where it leads, or "minesajackdaniels" puts it well, tell him how "you" feel.

(the next bit... I'll be a bit crude here, so others dont have to)

"elderly parent" .... mmm not good. Sounds like she is at deaths door.. but a note to the wise. My granny swore she was at deaths door for a good 20 years. Look at the Queen (of England) , she is an elderly parent, but I would say she still has another 10 years left. If you do get to the point where you are discussing your "longer term relationship", if the elderly parent keeps popping up... you have to ask " do I have wait for your parent to die, before our relationship can move to the next step" . Because that is really not fair on you. But I assume it goes without saying, I would tread carefully around this issue.

JackieO

No, haven't moved down that neck of that woods yet, but his friend are starting to say things like......."when you move down here.....etc". As we haven't even discussed it I'm a bit stumped for words.

I know I should probably have the whole conversation but I really don't want to be putting any pressure on him as he is coming under pressure from all angles at the minute. Really, I'm totally happy the way things are right now for another good while at least. I just would like to know that he is thinking long term the same as I am.

marti101

Well catch 22 you wont find out till you ask him simple as.I think you a re together long enough to want to know more about where the relationship is heading.And i think if his friends are asking them questions when you moving down hes talking to them about it.But probably thinks you are happy enough with the situation.But if you were to move down to him do it on a trial basis,rent your house out that way if it goes pear shaped you have somewhere to live.

Tricity Bendix

JackieO wrote: »

I really don't want to be putting any pressure on him as he is coming under pressure from all angles at the minute.

If you think things will be easier for him in the not too distant future, I say you should hold off until then. But if this pressure is ongoing then now is as good a time as any to talk to him.

John Mason

Why cant you bring it up?

Do you think these types of conversations have to be started by men?

how do you know he is not thinking the same, as you?

TBH, this is a basic fudamental of a relationship being comfortable to discuss all topics openly and in a mature fashion.

If you cant talk about something as basic as "so where do you think you will be in 5 years" or whatever, it doesnt bode well for the future IMO

redfacedbear

JackieO wrote: »

Really, I'm totally happy the way things are right now for another good while at least. I just would like to know that he is thinking long term the same as I am.

When you have the conversation (and I think you should) stress this point. This talk is not something that should necessarily add to his stress levels. If you find that he is not willing to talk about it just yet, you can give him space to think about it with no pressure.

Piste

"where is this relationship going?" is a very vague question. If you think you'd like to live with him then bring up the possibility of you living together. If you ask him "where is this going?" he's probably just be like "I have no idea what you mean." You need to be a bit more specific!

Malari

JackieO wrote: »

No, haven't moved down that neck of that woods yet, but his friend are starting to say things like......."when you move down here.....etc". As we haven't even discussed it I'm a bit stumped for words.

So maybe he's discussed it with friends but not you? Maybe he's trying to gauge your reaction when his friends bring it up in your company?

Honestly, if it's been talked about in company, that makes it all the easier for you to say to him later, when you're on your own, "so where did all that come from about me moving to your town?"

Mary E

I had a friend who was in a relationship with a guy for about seven years and they had never had the "where is this relationship going" conversation. He'd been married for a short while before that and probably didn't want to go down the marriage route again. She told me one day that she didn't know where the relationship was going. She wanted to get married and have children but didn't know how he felt about this. I was going out with a guy then - we're married now. I was a bit reluctant to give any advice or to seem smug in my relationship but I did say that perhaps she should discuss all this with him. She did. He was happy to continue their relationship as it was and didn't want what she wanted. She finished it, met some other guys and is now married with kids and is very happy as far as I can tell.

Incidentally I don't think that it's always necessary to have a "where is this relationship going" conversation but I feel that you should know where you stand by this stage. Also you wrote that you're "pretty sure that he feels the same way about me". Has he not let you know how he feels about you in all this time?

Hope this is helpful.

All the best.

Kotick

You haven't been together that long so what's the point in bringing it up at all? You say that you're happy with the way things are so then just let it be. He's got more important issues to worry about that where this relationship is going. If you push it, you may push him over the edge and you could lose him entirely.

Next time you guys hang out, ask him if he ever thought about getting married and having kids. If he says it's never crossed his mind, then leave it be for now and don't push it. If he says that he has thought about it and never wants either, then you've got a decision to make before you get too attached. You don't need to be annoying and ask where this relationship is going, cause no one can tell the future. In time things work themselves out.

MJOR

The poor guy mustn't know where he is at. But you have a duty of care to yourself too. I'd adopt the gently gently approach to be honest. I know how hard it is looking after a parent but while i was doing it i made a decision not to have a relationship.

Sound him out. See how he feels about you relocating. Just mind yourself too because you don't want to be uprooting yourself for him to still only have time for you at weekends.

dulchie75

There's no harm in having a chat about it, doesn't mean you have to put a time limit on it but I'm sure you want to know if he would like to get married at some stage and have a family.

These are all questions I had and my ex bf just didn't know what he wanted - hence he's now my EX and I'm sitting in on a Saturday night with a class of wine:)

Don't get me wrong I still love him and miss him but he couldn't even say if he would like to get married down the road, we'd already been together over 4 years so I thought he should have some idea at that stage.

Any how all I'm saying is maybe have a chat about it nothing heavy and just see if you both want the same things and are heading in the same direction.

LivingDeadGirl

If his friends are mentioning it then maybe he's talked to them about it but just hasn't broached the subject with you yet? They hardly got the idea out of nowhere!