It's all very serious these days, let's talk about murder.

Dyr

river, or sea..chuck it in, hopefully it wont show up for a while. Garda detection rates aren't too hot so once you havent left a huge trail of evidence behind i would'nt be puttin any money on the boys in blue


Or stick it in the back of a freezer in a fish shop in galway :pac:

AnonoBoy

Incidentally - don't take your phone with you when you're off a-killin'

In fact leave it in someone's else's car so it'll look like you were on the move elsewhere while the deed was being done.

First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

Paddy Samurai

I could murder a pint right now!.

K-9

Deleted User wrote: »

First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

Listen to him. Sounds like he knows what he is talking about, you can't beat experience.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Who says you have to dispose of the body? Have you never seen weekend at Bernies?

Latchy

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote: »

Who says you have to dispose of the body? Have you never seen weekend at Bernies?

I seen it . 2 post's back down the line have mentioned it to.Berni must be stinking by now .

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Davei141 wrote: »

I would take it to a Weekend at Bernie's.

Earthhorse wrote: »

God damnit.

QFT, great minds and all that.

Reminder to self: read first page before posting smart arse answers!

LouOB

canoe or fishing boat??

Puddleduck

Dress the body and send it to RTE to work as an 'entertainer'

LorraineL

Wagon wrote: »

I hear the best thing to do is feed em' to pigs.

+1 on the pigs, but they can't digest teeth or hair. Burn the hair off first. Make some nice jewellery from the teeth.

TPD

Sneak into a graveyard at night, find an open grave awaiting burial the next day. Dig down a foot or so, place the body in, and cover. The next day, the funeral will happen and the body will be buried.

A graveyard is the last place anyone would look for a corpse.

Paddy Samurai

Abigayle wrote: »

I feed the pigs with mine.

YEEESSSSS!. WE HAVE A WINNER!.
TRUST ME PIGS IS THE WAY TO GO.

Jesus Juice

What id do is murder 7 people for each of the sins then cut the head of the 7th body,put it in a box and bury it in the desert....then tell the detective whos on the case where the head is and see what happens.....and and i forgot to mention the head is his wifes!

Wibbs

TPD wrote: »

Sneak into a graveyard at night, find an open grave awaiting burial the next day. Dig down a foot or so, place the body in, and cover. The next day, the funeral will happen and the body will be buried.

A graveyard is the last place anyone would look for a corpse.

I like your style.

Dragan

Wibbs wrote: »

I like your style.

Bitten from Dexter, but deftly done.

Do people think there is any promise in a Prozzie costume?

I mean, it might come in handy around Halloween if i can keep the skin intact?

Plus, there IS a recession on, might help bring in the rent money.

ejmaztec

Pimp the body out and pin the murder on the first customer.

TPD

Dragan wrote: »

Bitten from Dexter, but deftly done.

Damn you Dragaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!

Robbo

Stage 1:Put the corpse in the boot of a Renault Megane
Stage 2: ?
Stage 3: Profit.

Either that or another vote for havign Wu feed her to his pigs.

Smart Bug

Bury the cadaver under your floorboards. That's what I did with the old man.

It's ok, no one will notice. Why, yes, do come in gentlemen. I have nothing to hide. Why yes, I did know him don't know where he's gotten to.

But, harken, what is that noise? Low, dull, quick - much as a watch makes wrapped in cotton wool. Surely they hear it, surely. They do! They toy with me now, they make a mockery of my horror!

"You hear it! Tear up the planks, here here! - it is the beating of his hideous heart!"

Abi

Paddy Samurai wrote: »

YEEESSSSS!. WE HAVE A WINNER!.
TRUST ME PIGS IS THE WAY TO GO.

Why thank you. Tis true though. Why make body disposal a mundane chore? Jamie and Oliver are my favs. They make light work of the problem.

Always be wary of those who keep pigs..

ejmaztec

:P

http://www.geocities.com/mikey_wbt/ugh/dead_wife.html

Abi

ejmaztec wrote: »

:P

http://www.geocities.com/mikey_wbt/ugh/dead_wife.html

Thing is, she died of natural causes. Mightnt be a great idea if ya like, killed someone.

oink oink ftw.

Earthhorse

Abigayle wrote: »

Thing is, she died of natural causes. Mightnt be a great idea if ya like, killed someone.

It would throw them off the scent.

"Hey, how come your wife's cropse is pointing at you, as if in terror?"

"Oh, no she used to love to point when she was alive. That's how we met."

LorraineL

http://www.archive.org/details/BethanyHancockHowtoDisposeofADeadBodyin5EasySteps

That has to be the most serial killer(ish) voice ever, reminds me of Jame in Silence of the Lambs.