Insensitive pregnancy comments

Tupins

Ladies, I'm posting in this forum as opposed to the pregnancy forum as I'm not actually pregnant and well, you'll see what I mean....

I got married a year and a half ago and have no children. I won't go into my personal story too deeply but basically my husband and I are not ready to have children just yet and for various reasons we are a little bit sensitive around the subject and we see it as something that is between just the two of us and is no one elses business frankly.

However, it never ceases to amaze and annoy me at how many people (normally women) who insist on passing comments about having babies on a regular basis. (Ok when it comes to his mother I just grin and bear it :rolleyes:). It's like, if you're married you're fair game. If anyone talks about someone having a baby I'll get "ooh you'll be next" or if I drop something it's "ooh you know that clumsiness is a sign you're pregnant" or I normally drive when we go out so if I'm not drinking people give a smug grin and say "oooh have you news?". I mean, I'd get over it if it was once in a blue moon, but this is bloody going on all the time and it's really getting on my nerves.

But my point ladies is this: I'm sure every woman on here knows at least one woman, a friend, aunt, mother or grandmother who has had a miscarriage or has lost a baby after birth. Or maybe some of you have been trying to get pregnant for a long time and can't. Or maybe, like me you just don't feel ready yet. Or maybe you've decided that you don't want children at all. Whatever the issue, I think women especially should know through experience that it's really nosy and insensitive to ask another woman if she's pregnant - if she is she will tell you in her own time! Obviously if you are close friends with someone and she is confiding in you about things then it's different, but I've had comments like these from people I barely know.

So to any women (and men) reading this who realise that they are the type of women who make these comments - please stop. You don't always know what's going on in the other woman's life or how much your comments may hurt her.

Puddleduck

I think thats just annoying women in general. Personally if any of my friends got married I couldnt give a fiddlers when/if they had kids...thats your choice.

My bug bear is that some women that are pregnant seem to think its a ok to spout toxic crap and blame it on 'the hormones'

Im thinking of going on a killing spree and blaming it on 'the hormones' :rolleyes:

Niamho!

I don't get it either. I would never dream of saying those things to people. I know women who are in their late thirties, married, with no children and i've seen people make those kind of comments you mentioned above and i think it's awful. i would never do it purely because they may not be able to have Children. i dont know their circumstances.

There was a guy in work saying to a girl in here (who's in her late thirties) "Aw by the time you have kids you'll be a relic..." and "So when is it gonna happen?...you're not getting any younger" :eek: I think thats shocking!! The girl in question is pregnant now and doing well but who knows, she may have had misscariages in the past and people saying things like that is Horrible. I would never risk it. I would never ask questions either even if i was very friendly with them.

It's horrible and i can understand exactly what you mean.

Dragan

By and large, having a kid is a universal societal goal. The vast majority of people who end up in long term relationships such as marrige etc will have at least one kid. It's just the way it is.

No point in being surprised about it as people will always assume to your goals flow along very nicely with societies.

Victor

Tell them you are pregnant ... but he's not the father.

Of course, let him in on the joke.

Tupins

I've been trying to come up with a good retort for these people but I think in future I'll just completely ignore it and act like it was never said, like no smile or no "I'm not drinking because I'm driving" just totally blank it - hopefully that will make THEM feel uncomfortable and they might actually THINK about what they're saying in future.

barbiegirl

I'm one of the people being asked about babies, and especially when I miss a night out or I'm not drinking :-). My answer tends to be sure these things can take years, or having fun trying. I smile and keep going, no point in getting annoyed. It's just life

metaoblivia

This just reminds me of a lady who works in the cafe in my office building. She very nice and quite obviously pregnant, and we make small talk every day. But I would never dream of asking her about the baby or when it's due, etc. just on the off chance that her growing belly is the result of something other than a baby. I was always taught to never ever ask a woman if she's pregnant or anything about her baby unless she's already offered that she's pregnant and leads the conversation in that direction.
I don't get asked about babies though, seeing as I'm a perpetual singleton. They're more concerned with when I'm going to "settle down with a nice man" before that topic creeps up.

Tupins

A friend of mine was recently congratulated on her pregnancy - she's not pregnant

St Bill

So true, people never ask questions like that when you're single. Not in the correct sequence y'see.
I think people say stuff like that just so they can say 'Oh I knew she was pregnant all along....'.
I think someone else suggested this, but if someone gives you the knowing look again, just tell them you're in the middle of an affair and you'd like to keep the pregnancy quiet.

Niamho!

Tupins wrote: »

A friend of mine was recently congratulated on her pregnancy - she's not pregnant

I know a woman who's repeatedly asked. She's at a point where she just laughs. the person asking is normally more embarrassed than she is. I'd die if i was the asker....:o
Although i would never ask. never ever. too afraid.

Dudess

I can't understand how it's so unfathomable to many that having children is some people's idea of a living hell.

John Mason

i just tell people i was born with no reproductive organs. it shut them up quickly and you are guaranteed they will never ask you again

embee

I'm not married and I have a 3 year old, and I get this too.

"Ohh, you're wee one is 3 now, time for a brother or sister for her!" and, if I complain of feeling tired, sick etc... "Oooh, maybe you're pregnant!"

It doesn't stop, whether you have kids or not. People are nosey and they'll make comments like this regardless of your situation.

stovelid

You'd need to be pretty sensitive to get too worked about these comments? Half the time they are on the level of lovely weather we're having type conversation.

My mother (and my mother in law) says stuff like that all the time but over the years, I've zoned it out. It's just in the mental dustbin with Have you got your key/did you bring out a scarf/will you be careful in town etc.

I can maybe understand the sensitivity if you can't have kids, but surely it can just be tuned out otherwise?

ntlbell

and people coming up to you in the middle of June asking where your going on holidays! i mean wtf just because it's june and most of the country is going on holidays do they not know that two weeks in barbadous sipping cocktails is some people's idea of a nightmare:mad:

people making conversation's, making assumptions about me just because they think i might be somewhat similar to the rest of society..

the nerve...

Dudess

stovelid wrote: »

You'd need to be pretty sensitive to get too worked about these comments? Half the time they are on the level of lovely weather we're having type conversation.

My mother (and my mother in law) says stuff like that all the time but over the years, I've zoned it out. It's just in the mental dustbin with Have you got your key/did you bring out a scarf/will you be careful in town etc.

I can maybe understand the sensitivity if you can't have kids, but surely it can just be tuned out otherwise?

I think some women get defensive about this particular topic though because they read a level of pressure and expectation into it - rightly or wrongly.

MagicMarker

Chill.

stovelid

Niamho! wrote: »

I know a woman who's repeatedly asked. She's at a point where she just laughs. the person asking is normally more embarrassed than she is. I'd die if i was the asker....:o
Although i would never ask. never ever. too afraid.

A friend of ours had a slightly different, but no less mortifying, variant. She had given birth a few months before and was asked by somebody when she was due.

stovelid

Dudess wrote: »

I think some women get defensive about this particular topic though because they read a level of pressure and expectation into it - rightly or wrongly.

You know, people are always going to do it. When you actually have a kid, you get a flood of unsolicited advice and warnings every time you leave the house.

Perhaps the issue should be about the ability to handle inane small talk, because in the overwhelming majority of case, that's all it is.

That said, I can see how people would be upset if they couldn't have children or they were a certain age and getting the biological clock thing.

Stench Blossoms

If you think thats bad, a girl in work who's pregnant was in a restaurant with her husband having a coffee and talking about the pregnancy.

A woman beside her told her she was being very irresponsible for drinking coffee. Nosey old cow.

MysticalSoul

I get comments from my brother the whole time. I am single, and in my thirties, so I find it extremely insensitive, and he is always making comments such as how time is limited for women etc :mad:.

Apart from my brother, who I know only does it for the reaction, I don't know anyone else who would be as you describe what happens to you OP. Have you told people how you find it insensitive, and without going into the timing is not right, just tell them it will happen when and/or if it happens, and could they be a bit more sensitive in future. Sometimes people don't realise the impact of what they are saying, or even the fact that they are saying it, so is important IMHO to let them know how you find it when they say these things.

Quality

I have just had baby no 3 and people keep asking me if I am going to have another?!?

I keep saying no, finished, done and dusted but they wont believe me, I have to explain my reasons..

Malari

Yeah, I have a friend who has been married 10 years and has no kids. Just never happened, but she and her husband didn't want kids so desperately that they got fertility treatment or anything. She was constantly getting questions from her family until she hit 40...then it stopped.

Best thing is not to take it too seriously I think. It's none of their business, so you either give them a smart answer, or actually shock them by going into detail. :pac:

I mean what do they think the answer is going to be??? "Oh, yeah, I'm just out of my fertile period now, so we were at it like rabbits last week, and I'm about to pick up a few pregnancy tests now and I'll text you with the results."

ntlbell

Quality wrote: »

I have just had baby no 3 and people keep asking me if I am going to have another?!?

I keep saying no, finished, done and dusted but they wont believe me, I have to explain my reasons..

It's just conversation.

There's no need to be offended.

When they have 3 kids they won't need to know the reasons anymore.

Das Kitty

My own mother asked me if I was pregnant when I was 20!

I wouldn't mind but I inherited my protruding gut from her!

I got married last year and I haven't been getting too many inquiries thankfully. When it has happened I've had a few retorts with varying degrees of success

"Any minute now"
"We have a lot of practicing to do first, you couldn't give me a couple of pointers?"

I think it's an awful question to ask, for all you know the couple could be having trouble conceiving or not be able to have kids.

People just remember:
If you don't actually see a baby coming out of a woman don't assume she's pregnant!

Quality

ntlbell wrote: »

It's just conversation.

There's no need to be offended.

When they have 3 kids they won't need to know the reasons anymore.

Not offended at all darling, don't be getting your knickers in a knot.

BlackJewel

yeah i can understand you! the same thing happens in my life too. me and my husband are celebrating 2 years marriage after some months. People that were my friends before marriage arnt that close anymore but i dont care, i got stronger relationships with other women. Well, those people keep bothering me when i will have kids and that i will get old and will never make one. I know very well about my life and what patch i chosed and my husband agreed, so there is no point in telling other ppl how they should live their life.
Such women who ask "ah dear, you are getting old, you should make there two three kids" are for me just plain stupid ....

MJOR

yeah me and my jelly belly got asked when are you due. I never wore that top again. it looked like maternity gear, yeah i am at child bearing age but no i just ate too many roses over christmas and am on a diet now! he was morto and with due cause!

I'm getting married later in the year and people keep asking me are you gonna get preganant on honeymoon...... i don't mind just kinda laugh it off

Xiney

The OH and I celebrated 3 years of marriage in December. We very rarely have to deal with comments about pregnancy these days - maybe because it's obvious by now that either we're not trying (true) or if we are we're failing so it would be ****ty to bring it up.

Maybe you just have to wait out the first year or two


Other than that, it's just some good natured teasing really. They've noticed it flusters you and they think it's funny. Give back as good as you get and they'll soon stop

chalad07

Tupins wrote: »

A friend of mine was recently congratulated on her pregnancy - she's not pregnant

It's better to see a pregnant women standing on the bus, than a fat girl sitting down, crying.