Insensitive pregnancy comments

Dudess

BlackJewel wrote: »

Well, those people keep bothering me when i will have kids and that i will get old and will never make one. I know very well about my life and what patch i chosed and my husband agreed, so there is no point in telling other ppl how they should live their life.
Such women who ask "ah dear, you are getting old, you should make there two three kids" are for me just plain stupid ....

How rude. This is the problem: while many of the comments are just smalltalk (although having children is a huge deal - it wouldn't exactly be my idea of run-of-the-mill small talk, maybe it is though for older generations) some of them are downright callous, and it's understandable that women end up putting them all into the one category.
I also think that the inability of society in general to accept childlessness - especially when it's a married couple's choice - causes a level of defensiveness - i.e. an innocuous "any baby plans?" query being read as "you'd want to hurry up"/"you ARE having children aren't you?"
This must be particularly annoying for those who aren't sure they want children as they often no doubt feel obliged to apologise for feeling this way.

And back to the smalltalk thing - no, I can't see how it's simply that. It seems very ****ing nosey and personal actually. I wouldn't even ask close friends.

badolepuddytat

I wouldn't consider myself overly sensitive but it winds me up that people think it's okay to be so nosey about such a private aspect of your life. My standard response is "Kids, nah, we're just practicing, someday we'll get it right" with a smart f off and mind your own business grin. Not one person including my mother-in-law has pestered me since getting that retort

LadyE

I dont get the "when are you having a baby" thing..thank god. But last year, admittedly coming into work wreck tired, came over to me, made a big show in front of every one asking "Have you something to tell us...any BIG NEWS for us"

I nearly died. Would have loved to have said something smart...but I was so friggin embarresed

It is a very personal question to ask, if someone bluntly said it to me Id liek to think Id say

"I dunno - hows YOUR sex life?"

Larianne

I was listening to a presenter on Australian radio who was giving out about this. She was married for just over a year and constantly got "So when you guys having kids?" Her response was "When are you having your next sh1t?".

consultech

chalad07 wrote: »

It's better to see a pregnant women standing on the bus, than a fat girl sitting down, crying.

haha I say this all the time!!! I thought it was just me!

Blush_01

So Tupins, any news for us?

IMHO, it's the same as someone asking about work or discussing the weather. When people don't know what else to talk to you about, they default to things that they know are priorities for most people or things that are universally recognisable.

I'm sure you irritate the sh!t out of people with things you do too. We all do, we're human.

Glowing

This drives me INSANE too! I started a thread not so long ago about the 'oh when will you be getting the white dress?!' comments ..... and worse still, comments about babies are just downright rude and insensitive, not to mention nosey!! Its incredible. Even at work, people who hardly know you feel they have the right to speak to you about these personal things, I F&CKING hate it!

I'm engaged now, and when I'm married, I won't be hiding my displeasure if someone makes a comment about me having children. I'll just tell them I can't have any and that will shut them up.

Victor

Glowing wrote: »

'oh when will you be getting the white dress?!'

Tell her yours will be scarlet.

Tupins

Blush_01 wrote: »

IMHO, it's the same as someone asking about work or discussing the weather.

For most being pregnant is a life changing and extremely emotional and personal thing, the weather quite frankly - isn't. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom how someone could think they are the same!

cch

consultech wrote: »

haha I say this all the time!!! I thought it was just me!

No, it's a Jimmy Carr line, so there!

Dudess

Tupins wrote: »

For most being pregnant is a life changing and extremely emotional and personal thing, the weather quite frankly - isn't. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom how someone could think they are the same!

I don't think Blush and others meant pregnancy itself is on a par with the weather, rather that pregancy questions/comments are just small-talk. But I also disagree with that. I think if you're going to be nosey and ask about/make comments on something so private and personal, then don't expect a pleasant response the equivalent of "yes it is quite a nice day".

Blush_01

Tupins wrote: »

For most being pregnant is a life changing and extremely emotional and personal thing, the weather quite frankly - isn't. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom how someone could think they are the same!

When people don't know what else to talk to you about, they default to things that they know are priorities for most people or things that are universally recognisable.

Sorry, I've made it bold now. Hope that helps.

People are insensitive. They're nosy. They ask questions and make comments they shouldn't. "How come you're still single?" "What're you doing about your weight?"... ... ... For the most part those irritating and insensitive, nosy questions come from a caring place. Maybe they don't know what else to talk to you about. Or maybe, just maybe, you could get in there first with some conversation and avoid the subject coming up if you're sensitive about it.

Stheno

Victor wrote: »

Tell her yours will be scarlet.

The bodice of mine was

Blush_01 wrote: »

People are insensitive. They're nosy. They ask questions and make comments they shouldn't. "How come you're still single?" "What're you doing about your weight?"... ... ... For the most part those irritating and insensitive, nosy questions come from a caring place. Maybe they don't know what else to talk to you about. Or maybe, just maybe, you could get in there first with some conversation and avoid the subject coming up if you're sensitive about it.

Yes people are nosey and insensitive, and sometimes don't know what else to talk about.

I spent a couple of years contracting, five months was an age in a job when I did, and I learned very quickly to establish some common ground with most people.

So imagine my bemusement one day, when a colleague I knew somewhat, whilst in the midst of a conversation about a rather complex area of retail banking, changed the conversation to "how long are you married?"

Me: "6 years"
Him: "Any children?"
Me (in mild shock): "No"
Him: ""Why not?"
Me: "Just haven't had the chance" (I wasn't telling a complete stranger I'd no desire ever to have

parasites

children)
Him: "Maybe you need more practice?"
Me (feeling uncomfortable): "whatever"
Him: "Seriously, after six years, why haven't you had children?
Me: "It's none of your business"
Him: "Why not?"
Me: "Well what would you prefer to hear, that I'm the oldest of ten, my youngest brother is your oldest kids age and I don't want any, or I've been trying the past six years and can't have them with my partner?"

The conversation came to a sudden and abrupt end, and the entire conversation took place in an open plan office, with lots of colleagues around.

For me, it's something I find rather intrusive, there's always the potential spectre of someone not being able to have children (I've friends and family in this situation), and desperately wanting them, not to mention the non maternal women who simply don't want children.

Either way, imo it's insensitive to bring it up, unless you are very close to a person, and it's a complete no no in the workplace.

Now as for the weight issue, I'll not be responsible the next time I go into the canteen in work, and the morbidly obese canteen lady tuts disgustedly at my food consumption compared to my admittedly skinny frame

Ickle Magoo

Jeez, I don't know what some people are thinking.

To me, asking about someone being/becoming pregnant is the same as asking about their sex life, their fertility - or infertility, it's their private intimate plans of starting a family - it's no-ones business but their own!

I don't know what it is about pregnancy that makes women public property to pass comment on, it's either when are going to be pregnant, your bump is too small/big, too many children, the poor sibling-less/not enough children comments.

People just don't think how sensitive a lot of these issues are for others.

The Sweeper

"Thinking about having children?"

"No, to be honest, I've not thought about making the decision that will change my life irrevocably for at least the next 20 years, may cause a massive rift between my partner and I because nobody's ever properly prepared for the difference children make to a relationship, will forever alter my body, could cause me to suffer postnatal depression and makes me responsible for managing to screw up another human being in some way or another because let's face it, we all blame our parents for something, and I'm not ready to put my stamp on a person like that yet, thanks. But I'll let you know when I decide to try and have children, and then perhaps fail, and refuse to tell anyone I'm pregnant until I'm 20 weeks gone because, over the age of 30, I'm terrified of miscarriage, and I don't feel like discussing with you whether or not I've had my foetus tested for downs syndrome because I can't cope with the potential consequences of that test, and unfortunately because of the nature of the world and the economy it took me 10 years longer than my parents to own my own house and feel like I'm even in with a chance of settling down. But if I ever do get pregnant because I feel pressured into it, I'll be sure to take you up on the babysitting you prolifically offered during my pregnancy and then excuted precisely once in the first 12 months for four hours which was just long enough for me and the complete stranger who used to be my partner to go out for a meal that was characterised by bad food and me getting up to phone you every 30 minutes to see if the child is still alive while my partner feels even more ignored than he has to date because I can't even relax when someone else is watching the child."

The problem is that's a lot to get out in one answer.

I find "No, I don't want them" works just as well.

Dudess

nouggatti wrote: »

I spent a couple of years contracting, five months was an age in a job when I did, and I learned very quickly to establish some common ground with most people.

So imagine my bemusement one day, when a colleague I knew somewhat, whilst in the midst of a conversation about a rather complex area of retail banking, changed the conversation to "how long are you married?"

Me: "6 years"
Him: "Any children?"
Me (in mild shock): "No"
Him: ""Why not?"
Me: "Just haven't had the chance" (I wasn't telling a complete stranger I'd no desire ever to have

parasites

children)
Him: "Maybe you need more practice?"
Me (feeling uncomfortable): "whatever"
Him: "Seriously, after six years, why haven't you had children?

What an absolute twat.

Now as for the weight issue, I'll not be responsible the next time I go into the canteen in work, and the morbidly obese canteen lady tuts disgustedly at my food consumption compared to my admittedly skinny frame

The amount of food you consume is not what disgusts her, the words I've highlighted are...

Gyalist

Actually, what disgusts me is the reference to children as parasites.

Malari

Gyalist wrote: »

Actually, what disgusts me is the reference to children as parasites.

I think the point is that if the person she was having that conversation with wasn't being so obsessively nosy, she wouldn't have felt the need to explain that she views children as parasites.

Which is what I call them too, incidentally, but I wouldn't volunteer that information to someone who clearly loves them.

shellyboo

Gyalist wrote: »

Actually, what disgusts me is the reference to children as parasites.

Parasite: a type of symbiotic relationship between two different organisms where one organism (the parasite) takes from the host, sometimes for a prolonged time.

Baby: An organism which lives inside you (the host) for nine months (a prolonged time), takes your nutrients in order to thrive and grow.


Once it's born, I guess it's more of a metaphor :D:P

fatmammycat

Tupins wrote: »

I've been trying to come up with a good retort for these people but I think in future I'll just completely ignore it and act like it was never said, like no smile or no "I'm not drinking because I'm driving" just totally blank it - hopefully that will make THEM feel uncomfortable and they might actually THINK about what they're saying in future.

heh, this reminds me of something I read recently. A chap and his wife were pretty much in the same boat. So they've decided if asked at a party or gathering to go with.
'Oh we 'can't have children.'
And if the person persists or asks why he/she replies,
'Because we hate them.'

It made me laugh. My mother always says, 'I like children, but I couldn't eat a while one.'
People are a little insensitive, but most folk don't mean anything bad by it. Good luck.

The Sweeper

Ha, ironic - someone I work with turned to me in the pub this evening and said 'oh we just need to get you pregnant'.

wasabi

fatmammycat wrote: »

heh, this reminds me of something I read recently. A chap and his wife were pretty much in the same boat. So they've decided if asked at a party or gathering to go with.
'Oh we 'can't have children.'
And if the person persists or asks why he/she replies,
'Because we hate them.'

Ooh, that's a good one, I might use that.

I have no interest in sprogging myself but I do have a couple of friends who would be very sensitive about anything related to pregnancy or babies in general, due to wanting them and not being able to have them for various reasons. It's surprisingly hard to censor all mention of these things from your conversation - I wouldn't be one to gossip about who is and isn't spawning and the likes but in discussion of arts and literature and current events it comes up a lot.

Thoie

Stupid (ex) male colleague during lunch one day:
"Have you ever wanted to have a baby?"

Me:
"Right now? OK, give it 2 minutes and follow me to the ladies."

I've pointed out to older people that the question "Any signs of the pitter patter of tiny feet?" is tantamount to asking "Get laid much?"

00112984

Ah yes- those questions! Married five months and getting them from all angles. I'm not overly sensitive to it but it does piss me off as people are just being intrusive.

I have a whole heap of answers, depending on my mood.

So, you're married 5 months. Any sign of kids?

1) No, not yet. But, seeing as you asked, how's your sex life?

2) Actually, we've been trying but we just like anal faaar too much.

3) No. Would hate to risk having a child who grows up to be a nosy bitch.

4) *Just start crying*

5) Can't stop... am ovulating...

6) Do you always ask such personal questions or are you just bored today?

7) No, I'm barron.

8) Nope. I like to swallow and those little fellas never make it past my tonsils.

9) Nah, you'd get very little for a baby on the black market right now.

10) Actually, we're looking for sponsorship for some fertility treatment. Thanks for your interest. Do you have a half and hour to sit down and discuss your contribution?

11) Mind your own business.

I get an interesting mix of responses.

Seriously though, it's not a very nice question to ask someone for the points that the OP made. It's a very personal thing and, like with lots of situations, nobody knows what's going on behind closed doors or in a marriage.

coffee_cake

00112984 wrote: »

3) No. Would hate to risk having a child who grows up to be a nosy bitch.

6) Do you always ask such personal questions or are you just bored today?

8) Nope. I like to swallow and those little fellas never make it past my tonsils.

Haha these are my faves

00112984

bluewolf wrote: »

Haha these are my faves

My favourite is-

2) Actually, we've been trying but we just like anal faaar too much.

Completely stops people in their tracks. Have to say it with a smile on your face and just watch as they nod along. Then you'll see the confusion as they start to atually comprehend what you've said.

MintyLynzey

I have endometriosis and have recently been told i can't have kids(or al least the changes are very slim) and i'm only 18. i'm mad about kids and will probibly adopt with wen i get married but it kills me when i hear people say things like that, even to other people because i know i'll never be able to have my own kids.

so yes i share that irratation.

Miaireland

Tupins wrote: »

A friend of mine was recently congratulated on her pregnancy - she's not pregnant

That happened to my hairstylist recently. A woman popped in to make an appointment and came over to her and asked her when she was going on leave.

She was not a happy camper I can tell you

sam34

people seem to think they have a god-given right to ask baout this issue. its so incredibly rude and intrusive.

can you imagine the shock if i, as a single, childless woman, replied to that question with "no, not for me. but c'mere, tell me, did you really plan all your children or were you caught out with that last one.. are you raging over that?"

sam34

0011298 wrote:

2) Actually, we've been trying but we just like anal faaar too much.

8) Nope. I like to swallow and those little fellas never make it past my tonsils.
QUOTE]

LOL these are pure golddust! must remember them.