Father not paying maintenance...or any attention!

Femelade

My daughter is nearly 8, i left her father when she was 2.5yrs old.
The longest he has gone being consisitent with payment is a few months..

we go to court every few months for the last few years.. a warrant goes out for the arrears to be collected from him from the guards in his locality, but they can never track him down (he keeps moving hom, i dont even know where he lives) so they fail to get any money from him, he might start to pay then for a few weeks and then he stops again and we are back to square one..
not once has he cleared his arrears, everytime we end up in court the arrears are forgotten about as he "cant afford it" and a new payment plan is made up.
The last time we were in court he was told to pay €50 pw. and an extra €500 at the end of aug for school supplies and uniform etc..but since july i havent recieved anything, apart from €30 euro this week and €30 last week. I told him he needs to go to court to get the amount changed but he said he doesnt care and if i'm not happy with the €30 he wont bother paying it.

Recently i have got an address from him through a mutual friend. and i passed info to the guards, so they will try to get the money from him again. They have told me that the ball is in my court and if i want them to "take him in" they will..

My daughters communion in in may and i really dont want him there. He has not spoken to her since christmas (she went to his town to stay with his parents - who dote on her and ring her a few evenings a week) He has not offered to pay anything towards the cost of the communion, where his father has offered to pay more than enough. I will be covering most of the cost myself with the little earnings i make.

Do ye think it would be wrong for me to ring the guards nearer to the communion (knowing the arrears will not be paid) and ask for them to take him in..?He doesnt have much interest in going to it but will go to get at me and to cause trouble...He obviously has no interest in my daughter, even when she goes to stay with his parents for a weekend he might see her for a few hours and maybe take her to a shop and buy her something..

She does love her dad but i can she her loosing interest in him, she says he is "always working" (an excuse he gives her that he cant call to see her) and she knows well that he doesnt work 7 days a week. (as far as i know he draws the dole and works 2 days cash in hand)

Should i tell him to stuff his money?
Any advice appreciated..

Mr Bloat

Dear God, reading things like this really makes me despair for males in society. How any guy could treat his kids like this is beyond me.

As frustrating as this is for you, I don't think under any circumstances you should tell him to stuff his money. Even if it comes occasionally, he should at the very least be paying something towards the cost of rearing your child. To let him get away with neglect and maintainance would be criminal.

Obviously his own parents are embarrassed by his attitude, to say that his dad is trying to help you out. Fair play to them at least.

Regarding getting the Guards to bring him in, that's a tough one. When he finds out it was you that gave over his address, what will his reaction be?

Femelade

Oh he will be extremely pissed off, but he is passed the "banging on my door at all hours" stage, (went through that for a good while) and the "ringing my mobile and parents house phone at all hours" (that went on for a while too, had to change mobile number 3 times) stage now..
so he will be pissed off yeah, but i have told him that that is the eventuality if he continues the way he is.I have told his dad that his son will go to jail if he doesnt pay the arrears, but my understanding is, they too have fallen out over this not paying maintenance. His parents have lost all patience with him and have not much more to do with him. His dad has been very supportive through this, he buys my daughters school shoes (always the best kind) and school bag every summer without being asked. and he has already bought her a watch and chain for her communion. he has offered to pay for her dress but i feel he has done enough at this stage.

thenightrider

Blokes like this relly pi$$ me off not all guy's are like this im not and had to fight to get to see my little girl i now see her 3 time's a week sometimes even more

If he does not care about his little girl why should you care about him why not just give the guards his address now i think that would be the best bet

Femelade

thenightrider wrote: »

Blokes like this relly pi$$ me off not al guy's are like this im not and had to fight to get to see my little girl i now see her 3 time's a week sometimes even more

If he does not care about his little girl why should you care about him why not just give the guards his address now i think that would be the best bet

I have given his address to them, and they will try aagin to get money from him, if i ask them to put him into jail now he will be out by the time the communion comes.

I send my daughter down to his home town regulary to visit with him and his parents (she stays with his parents - he never offers) but he doesnt make much of an effort to call to her. He's been given so many chances to see her, so he cant say that he doesnt get his fair share of visitation rights (this is all despite a court order that he was only allowed to see her for 2 hours every second wednesday at my home and under my supervision) - i go out of my way to drive the 1.5 hours to take her to his parents.

ntlbell

i'm not sure what sending him to prison is going to achieve.

I could be wrong but I'm not sure anyone's actually got a prison sentence for maintenance.

I would be more concerned abouttrying to get a stable relationship between him and your and daughter and less time plotting his arrest.

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to be punished i just don't see what purpose it serves your daughter and she is the important one here.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

i'm not sure what sending him to prison is going to achieve.

I could be wrong but I'm not sure anyone's actually got a prison sentence for maintenance.

I would be more concerned abouttrying to get a stable relationship between him and your and daughter and less time plotting his arrest.

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to be punished i just don't see what purpose it serves your daughter and she is the important one here.

when there is a warrant out for arrears and if you fail to pay , you will go to jail, as he was ordered by the court to pay.

Trying to get a stable relationship is not an option, especially as i have given him every chance with his daughter but he really just doesnt give a crap about her. Thats all it boils down to really.

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

when there is a warrant out for arrears and if you fail to pay , you will go to jail, as he was ordered by the court to pay.

Trying to get a stable relationship is not an option, especially as i have given him every chance with his daughter but he really just doesnt give a crap about her. Thats all it boils down to really.

They usually arrest you, go to the police station "have a chat" go to court, say you'll pay and around around you go I don't think anyone's actually done jail time for it to my knowledge I could be wrong.

It's irrelevant really him going to prison isn't going to develop the relationship with him and your daughter it will just add more strain.

it doesn't matter how many chances you have give him you don't have the power to give him a chance women seem to never get this part.

the child is part of both of you and all you can do is make your daughter available you can't make him see her you can't make him pay money but you can always do what's in the best interest of your child

your ex in prison is not what's best for your daughter.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

They usually arrest you, go to the police station "have a chat" go to court, say you'll pay and around around you go I don't think anyone's actually done jail time for it to my knowledge I could be wrong.

It's irrelevant really him going to prison isn't going to develop the relationship with him and your daughter it will just add more strain.

it doesn't matter how many chances you have give him you don't have the power to give him a chance women seem to never get this part.

the child is part of both of you and all you can do is make your daughter available you can't make him see her you can't make him pay money but you can always do what's in the best interest of your child

your ex in prison is not what's best for your daughter.

well , i'm sorry i think your knowledge could be wrong on this, i have been in contact with the guards because of the arrears for the last number of years now. They have told me they will put him away for 30 days, and that will be instead of paying the arrears.

I think i have the power to give him chances...and i have given him many, ie. driving 1.5 hours for her to see him when infact he should only be seeing her for 2 hours every second week (by court order) but wouldnt make the 1.5 journey himself.

My ex in prison for 30 days will do no harm to my daughter as she could well go a few months without seeing him or hearing from him..

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

well , i'm sorry i think your knowledge could be wrong on this, i have been in contact with the guards because of the arrears for the last number of years now. They have told me they will put him away for 30 days, and that will be instead of paying the arrears.

I think i have the power to give him chances...and i have given him many, ie. driving 1.5 hours for her to see him when infact he should only be seeing her for 2 hours every second week (by court order) but wouldnt make the 1.5 journey himself.

My ex in prison for 30 days will do no harm to my daughter as she could well go a few months without seeing him or hearing from him..

I never said I have knoweldge and continued to say I can be corrected on it.

it doesn't matter if he's in 10 years of arrears a court can only claim the last 6 months of arrears which can verifiy on the courts.ie

you have no power, you don't decide he decides if he doesn't want to see her and the courts decide if he can't not you.

it won't benifit the child. that's the issue.

Anyway I'm not going to continue this discussion as you seem to have made your mind up not sure why you posted.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

I never said I have knoweldge and continued to say I can be corrected on it.

it doesn't matter if he's in 10 years of arrears a court can only claim the last 6 months of arrears which can verifiy on the courts.ie

you have no power, you don't decide he decides if he doesn't want to see her and the courts decide if he can't not you.

it won't benifit the child. that's the issue.

Anyway I'm not going to continue this discussion as you seem to have made your mind up not sure why you posted.

Claiming the last 6 months of arrears is fine by me! thats roughly 1200!! Which i could badly do with, especially as she has her communion coming up and all other things in between (horse riding, birthday parties etc..)

I have been very fair to him in the past, bringing her to him so he can see her and then he doesnt bother!! Thats hardly benefiting my daughter!!..Its upsets her..
and if i have been told by the guards that he will go to jail for a few days, i was thinking i could avail of this situation, and not have him around for the communion that he played no part in organising...He will cause trouble, make everyone feel awkward, and ruin my daughters day.

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

Claiming the last 6 months of arrears is fine by me! thats roughly 1200!! Which i could badly do with, especially as she has her communion coming up and all other things in between (horse riding, birthday parties etc..)

I have been very fair to him in the past, bringing her to him so he can see her and then he doesnt bother!! Thats hardly benefiting my daughter!!..Its upsets her..
and if i have been told by the guards that he will go to jail for a few days, i was thinking i could avail of this situation, and not have him around for the communion that he played no part in organising...He will cause trouble, make everyone feel awkward, and ruin my daughters day.

yup sounds like a fantastic idea.

enjoy.

jim o doom

ntlbell wrote: »

yup sounds like a fantastic idea.

enjoy.

It's fierce easy to be patronising, sarcastic & unhelpful when it's not you in the situation isn't it??


To the OP - if you don't want him around for the communion, perhaps your route is a good one, the "father" although I would prefer the term "genetic donor" because he clearly ISN'T a father to the child - could certainly do with time in prison.

ntlbell

jim o doom wrote: »

It's fierce easy to be patronising, sarcastic & unhelpful when it's not you in the situation isn't it??


To the OP - if you don't want him around for the communion, perhaps your route is a good one, the "father" although I would prefer the term "genetic donor" because he clearly ISN'T a father to the child - could certainly do with time in prison.

you can't help people that don't want to be helped.

She doesn't want advice.

she wants people like you to come along and back up her idea.

jim o doom

ntlbell wrote: »

you can't help people that don't want to be helped.

She doesn't want advice.

she wants people like you to come along and back up her idea.

"people like me" eh? and what exactly does that mean, oh great lord of genericising people without knowing them in any way, shape or form.

I happen to believe that the man deserves PUNISHMENT for his actions. If that pidgeon holes me in to your box of "yes men" & "toadies", what a shame.

ntlbell

jim o doom wrote: »

"people like me" eh? and what exactly does that mean, oh great lord of genericising people without knowing them in any way, shape or form.

I happen to believe that the man deserves PUNISHMENT for his actions. If that pidgeon holes me in to your box of "yes men" & "toadies", what a shame.

people like you is anyone that will hold the same point of view? they should do everything in their power to try and get money I agree sending him to prison where he can mix with all sorts take up space for real criminals that we can't find room for cost me money etc is not the answer

it doesn't help anyone, mother,child or himself.

You know the same way they don't send women to prison when they stop their father from seeing the child?

Nevyn

While he does need ti be accountiable for his lack of taking on his responsibilties
I certainly balk at the idea of timing it so you won't have to deal with him on that day.

Do report him as it is the right things to do, but don't use the system for pretty revenge
or to make life easier for yourself, I don't mean that in a glib way I am aware of
how much abuse and heartache this man has caused for you and your family.

Have you asked you daughter who she wants with her on that day ?

Lainey

hi op, i don't envy you your decision.. i had to make same one myself a few years ago, my son is just an adult now.. i decided to let it go, everything,, money, the arrest and i still invited him to the communion and confirmation..

now before anyone says i was mad to let him out of his financial obligation, it was inevitable he would never pay it as he even told me ' i'll stay on dole rest my life before give you a penny'.. so i let it go, for my sons sake.. and only his sake..

so if its advice your after, my personal advice is, don't get him arrested.. not for his sake.. for your daughters.. she might want him at the communion, its her communion so i think he should be there..

tomcollins97

Is 50 quid a week really worth all the stress & hassle? Do you ever want him to have a relationship with his daughter? If not, cut your losses and leave him and all the stress behind

Superdaddy

I really hate this kind of person and i cannot understand them. I guess he is simply selfish. As often happens when a relationship breaks up, the parents start using the child as a weapon. He is using this situation to hurt you and in the process is hurting your daughter too. This is not right and he needs to be put in his place. It is time for him to have some time to think about how his actions are effecting his child. Lock him up! Not so you don't have him around for her communion, she probably wants him there. This is you giving him another chance to sort himself out and do what is right for your daughter. Maybe the penny will drop in time for the communion and everything will be great. Maybe 30 days in prison will make him a better dad. Doing nothing certainly won't and ignoring him is not good for your daughter either. She needs her daddy, keep trying to make him a good daddy. At least you will know in the long run that you have done your best for her.

994

jim o doom wrote: »

"people like me" eh? and what exactly does that mean, oh great lord of genericising people without knowing them in any way, shape or form.

I happen to believe that the man deserves PUNISHMENT for his actions. If that pidgeon holes me in to your box of "yes men" & "toadies", what a shame.

Why, though? Would you punish a woman for giving her child up for adoption? Because that's all this guy has really done.

Femelade

994 wrote: »

Why, though? Would you punish a woman for giving her child up for adoption? Because that's all this guy has really done.

No, its not really.
To put a child up for adoption you leave their life completely, but he hasnt. I nearly wish he would at this stage. He isee's her when he wants to . which isnt very often.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

You know the same way they don't send women to prison when they stop their father from seeing the child?

This really isnt about him not seeing her, and is not the reason why he would go to jail.
Its the maintenance that he owes is more the issue here. The court order stating he owes it , and the warrant out for the collection of the money.

Femelade

tomcollins97 wrote: »

Is 50 quid a week really worth all the stress & hassle? Do you ever want him to have a relationship with his daughter? If not, cut your losses and leave him and all the stress behind

Of course i want him to have a relationship with his daughter, she is 8 now, adn it would be terrible for him to not be part of her life anymore (what little part he plays)

Yes, 50 quid a week is alot to me!!
200 euro a month, i could really use it.

I work full time for very bad wages.

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

This really isnt about him not seeing her, and is not the reason why he would go to jail.
Its the maintenance that he owes is more the issue here. The court order stating he owes it , and the warrant out for the collection of the money.

i know what it's for i'm stating when a woman breaks a court order on visiting rights etc they don't go to jail.

it wouldn't benifit anyone if they did

same goes for your ex.

Femelade

Well a woman breaking a court order is not the issue here. I have been told by the guards that that he will go to jail for breaking the court order.

I was thinking a few days in jail would make him aware that i will not be putting up with his **** anymore. I have my daughter to think about (which he obviously doesnt), I can already see him hurting her, and hurting her means hurting me, and making me angry as to why he could be so cruel to his own flesh and blood.

What would you suggest i do then?

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

Well a woman breaking a court order is not the issue here. I have been told by the guards that that he will go to jail for breaking the court order.

I was thinking a few days in jail would make him aware that i will not be putting up with his **** anymore. I have my daughter to think about (which he obviously doesnt), I can already see him hurting her, and hurting her means hurting me, and making me angry as to why he could be so cruel to his own flesh and blood.

What would you suggest i do then?

i don't think you read posts at all.

i don't really care what the guards say what i'm saying to you is

listen up

the courts sending anyone to prison because you want to have your daughters communion in peace costing everyone on this board money to keep him there taken up space for real criminals etc is rediclous.

got that part yea?

I suggest you concetrate on looking after your daughter and let the courts deal with your ex in what ever way they see fit.

I'm sure your daughter wouldn't be too pleased when she grows up to knwo you sent her father to jail so he couldn't attend her communion

be very careful

kmick

ntlbell pretty harsh but OP I think the main advice is leave it go. You are spending all your time angry at this guy. Its a big waste of time. On the other hand you need the money however no amount of money can compensate for being angry all the time. Also I would not feel guilty about her grandad giving you money. Grandparents love helping out with grandchildren.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

i don't think you read posts at all.

i don't really care what the guards say what i'm saying to you is

listen up

the courts sending anyone to prison because you want to have your daughters communion in peace costing everyone on this board money to keep him there taken up space for real criminals etc is rediclous.

got that part yea?

I suggest you concetrate on looking after your daughter and let the courts deal with your ex in what ever way they see fit.

I'm sure your daughter wouldn't be too pleased when she grows up to knwo you sent her father to jail so he couldn't attend her communion

be very careful

Okay, No need for the sarcasm please.
I have been reading the posts.
I have been looking after my daughter very well thank you.
The courts dealing with my ex is a joke, i have to go to court every few months to deal with this, which means i have to take a day off work to go, just to hear....oh yeah, guess what..another warrant that they do nothing about!! This has been going on for years!!

Maybe sending him to jail during the communion is probbaly not the best idea. He will probably ruin the day and cause so much awkwardness, and i hope he doesnt do what he has done before (cause a scene where the guards have to be called) It is her day, and i dont want him to ruin it for her.

My daughter is learning quick what type of man her father is, despite me never saying a bad word about him to her.
I am being very careful.

jim o doom

whatever about the timing - get him thrown in jail - there is always the SLIM hope that being in prison with REAL criminals will scare him into being less of a TOTAL gobsh!te.

Rev Hellfire

jim o doom wrote: »

whatever about the timing - get him thrown in jail - there is always the SLIM hope that being in prison with REAL criminals will scare him into being less of a TOTAL gobsh!te.

A slim hope, more likely it'll nurture any resentments he may have.