Father not paying maintenance...or any attention!

wolfpawnat

I know financially you need help. It is very difficult for you, my family was very similar. My dad has been to prison twice for non payment of maintenance. I will never be able to count the amount of time my parents spent going in and out of courtrooms. I mean we are talking at least 3 times a year for 18 years! My father hasn't got it to pay and my mother is vindictive that he got on with his life and knows she can keep him from moving on by annoying him! You seem very reasonable with just €50 and back to school.

What breaks my heart is that your daughter has a terrible relationship with her dad, as a person who didnt have one with my dad either, I can honestly say it can really affect you. It is alot healthier for your daughter to have both parents actively in her life, ye dont need to be together but seeing you both regularly would be ideal, he is being nasty to her because he doesnt want to pay you and that is just terrible! He doesn't need to be nice to you but damn it your daughter didnt ask to be concieved! She deserves better from him.

I hope things dont go as bad for you as they did for my family, no one came out a winner in my situaion

Femelade

I really have been through loads with this guy..
Alot has gone in in the last few years, i asked him recently when was the last time he spoke to his daughter, he said he didnt know. I had to tell him it was christmas time, when i brought her down to stay a few nights with his parents.

I would love for him to have a realationship with her, but he has to understand, i need help financially, and i wish he would just pay me, he says he cant afford it, but he went on three foreign holidays last yr..and claimed he had no money to give me.

tbh

ntlbell wrote: »

the courts sending anyone to prison because you want to have your daughters communion in peace costing everyone on this board money to keep him there taken up space for real criminals etc is rediclous.

I'm sorry, but he is a real criminal, pure and simple. If femmy had gone to the guards and asked them to put her ex in prison, and he hadn't done anything wrong, they'd laugh her out of the cop shop. This guy has been ordered by a court of law to pay his share of his daughters maintenance. He hasn't done it. He has broken the law, and if the courts decide he should go to prison, he should go to prison. It's like a mod warning a user over and over again not to do something. If the user ignores the mod, the mod bans the user. I know you have a problem with this, but it's very straight forward. the OP owes her ex NOT ONE THING.

I suggest you concetrate on looking after your daughter and let the courts deal with your ex in what ever way they see fit.

Exactly - the courts should deal with the ex whatever way they see fit. They must be in possession of the facts. If she gives them the facts, most likely the ex will be sent to prison.

I'm sure your daughter wouldn't be too pleased when she grows up to knwo you sent her father to jail so he couldn't attend her communion

When the OP's daughter grows up, I think she'll know exactly what type of a man her "father" is, and exactly what type of woman Femmy is. I don't think Femmy has anything to worry about there.

K-9

What would you tell your daughter on the day of the Communion?

Femelade

K-9 wrote: »

What would you tell your daughter on the day of the Communion?

She probably wouldnt ask...
she would just assume he was at work (which is the excuse he gives her everytime he cant be arsed to see her even when she is with his parents in the same town as him).

jim o doom

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

A slim hope, more likely it'll nurture any resentments he may have.

True, but in my book a slim hope is better than no hope at all.

And he should be punished regardless of how he feels before, during or after imprisonment, because he deserves.

ntlbell

tbh wrote: »

I'm sorry, but he is a real criminal, pure and simple. If femmy had gone to the guards and asked them to put her ex in prison, and he hadn't done anything wrong, they'd laugh her out of the cop shop. This guy has been ordered by a court of law to pay his share of his daughters maintenance. He hasn't done it. He has broken the law, and if the courts decide he should go to prison, he should go to prison. It's like a mod warning a user over and over again not to do something. If the user ignores the mod, the mod bans the user. I know you have a problem with this, but it's very straight forward. the OP owes her ex NOT ONE THING.

He is a criminal for sure but I don't want to pay for his keep for a month, I don't want him taken up space for serious criminals because she doesn't want to have her communion interrupted.

If he's not paying his way by all means tell the court list the dates etc and let the COURTS deal with it. trying to setup the guy to go to prison so people don't get upset on her communion date is my major issue here.

The information right now is he hasn't paid

there's an addresss someone gave her that could be someone elses home who knows you don't go bringing theguards to other people's door.

provide the last known good address or the address of the parents, list the dates of the moneys oued and get on with your life.

K-9

Femmy wrote: »

She probably wouldnt ask...
she would just assume he was at work (which is the excuse he gives her everytime he cant be arsed to see her even when she is with his parents in the same town as him).

If she asks?

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

He is a criminal for sure but I don't want to pay for his keep for a month, I don't want him taken up space for serious criminals because she doesn't want to have her communion interrupted.

If he's not paying his way by all means tell the court list the dates etc and let the COURTS deal with it. trying to setup the guy to go to prison so people don't get upset on her communion date is my major issue here.

The information right now is he hasn't paid

there's an addresss someone gave her that could be someone elses home who knows you don't go bringing theguards to other people's door.

provide the last known good address or the address of the parents, list the dates of the moneys oued and get on with your life.

Okay , you dont want to pay for his keep, i get it..but every day i am paying for his daughter..

I didnt put the guards on him for the payment. all info was given to the COURT , who in turn said that there is a warrant out for the money, resulting in an arrest if he hasnt paid. I was talking to the guards myself, suggested by the courts clerk, and they told me they couldnt find him, they only have his parents address and he doesnt live there, he is at loggerheads with his parents and they dont even know where he lives.
I found out where he did live, from a realiable source, and where he works, its up to them now to find him and get the money off him.
He told me last week that he had paid the guards 500 euro for me, but he hadnt. he lied. again.
The guards asked me do i want him taken in if they cant get money off him, i said yes, as this has gone on for years and i am fed up with it. by putting him in prison, his arrears will be cleared, which is still keeping me in financal difficulty, but at least he will know that this is now a very serious matter.

Keeping him away from the communion is something i feel i should do as i know the type of person he is..he once tried to take my daughter from my home while on one of his visits yrs ago, i had to run after him and practically pull her from his arms and the guards had to come and make him go away, actually had to follow him about 10 miles out the road to make sure he was gone. i do not want a repeat of this, and i dont want to put us in a situation where he would cause a scene like this, its the last thing my daughter needs to go through in a church yard full of her friends.

Femelade

K-9 wrote: »

If she asks?

I honestly dont know.

tbh

Femmy - I said it before, and I'll say it again. Your daughter is lucky to have you. All the best for the big day, don't second guess yourself on this - I think you are doing the right thing.

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

Okay , you dont want to pay for his keep, i get it..but every day i am paying for his daughter..

I didnt put the guards on him for the payment. all info was given to the COURT , who in turn said that there is a warrant out for the money, resulting in an arrest if he hasnt paid. I was talking to the guards myself, suggested by the courts clerk, and they told me they couldnt find him, they only have his parents address and he doesnt live there, he is at loggerheads with his parents and they dont even know where he lives.
I found out where he did live, from a realiable source, and where he works, its up to them now to find him and get the money off him.
He told me last week that he had paid the guards 500 euro for me, but he hadnt. he lied. again.
The guards asked me do i want him taken in if they cant get money off him, i said yes, as this has gone on for years and i am fed up with it. by putting him in prison, his arrears will be cleared, which is still keeping me in financal difficulty, but at least he will know that this is now a very serious matter.

Keeping him away from the communion is something i feel i should do as i know the type of person he is..he once tried to take my daughter from my home while on one of his visits yrs ago, i had to run after him and practically pull her from his arms and the guards had to come and make him go away, actually had to follow him about 10 miles out the road to make sure he was gone. i do not want a repeat of this, and i dont want to put us in a situation where he would cause a scene like this, its the last thing my daughter needs to go through in a church yard full of her friends.

right so lets say he goes to prison for 30 days.

loses his job (not your problem)

you "teach him a lesson"

what then?

So he's on the dole then goes to court again and will be easiliy able to prove he can't afford to pay based on the dole.

or he f*cks off out of the county/city/country

Your concern is the benifit of your daughter right?

how does any of the above help her daughter?

apart from you showing him who's boss?

are you both very young?

tbh

ok - devils advocate. Lets say she DOESNT do anything. What happens then?

Or to put it another way, if femmy was your sister, what would you advise her to do?

gubby

I have a lump in my throat writing this. I know this child, she is my lovely granddaughter that I love with all my heart. She has lived with us over 5 yrs and I have seen her slowly see what her father really is and it is heartbreaking. She used to talk about him a lot when she was younger but now, hardly at all. I too have made the trip to his town so he could meet her to see her eyes light up when she sees him and he just goes "hi" no hugs, no kisses (as you would imagine a father who doesnt see his georgous little girl very often to do) He simply doesnt care. Femmy is a fantastic mother and she only asked advice because I know how temped she is, when the chance has presented itself, to cut him out of the communion day. I dont this the child will even miss him that much as his father and mother will be there anyway.
Femmy has never ever said a bad word about him to her. even when she was only 2yrs old and he was talking to her on the phone one day telling her that her mother was a c**t and a b***h and when he threatned to burn down our house the day my son got married. Someone spoke about "helping build a relationship" with her father... frankly I think she would be better without him. However, I too dont know if it is a step too far to deliberatly exclude him from the communion day.

ntlbell

tbh wrote: »

ok - devils advocate. Lets say she DOESNT do anything. What happens then?

Or to put it another way, if femmy was your sister, what would you advise her to do?

If she was my sister I would be saying the same thing.

Get on with your life leave the door open if he wants to come into her daughters life regardless of money.

I would have given the guards his last known address a list of dates of the last 6 months maintenance to guards and move on.

wasting time thinking about it or worrying about it futile.
If he doesn't want to pay regardless of what guards do or say he just won't pay so your wasting your own time and energy your upsetting yourself and stressing yourself over something you have no control over it which her daughter might pick up on.

tbh

gubby wrote: »

I have a lump in my throat writing this. I know this child, she is my lovely granddaughter that I love with all my heart. She has lived with us over 5 yrs and I have seen her slowly see what her father really is and it is heartbreaking. She used to talk about him a lot when she was younger but now, hardly at all. I too have made the trip to his town so he could meet her to see her eyes light up when she sees him and he just goes "hi" no hugs, no kisses (as you would imagine a father who doesnt see his georgous little girl very often to do) He simply doesnt care. Femmy is a fantastic mother and she only asked advice because I know how temped she is, when the chance has presented itself, to cut him out of the communion day. I dont this the child will even miss him that much as his father and mother will be there anyway.
Femmy has never ever said a bad word about him to her. even when she was only 2yrs old and he was talking to her on the phone one day telling her that her mother was a c**t and a b***h and when he threatned to burn down our house the day my son got married. Someone spoke about "helping build a relationship" with her father... frankly I think she would be better without him. However, I too dont know if it is a step too far to deliberatly exclude him from the communion day.

Femmy obviously didn't pick her mothering skills up off the ground - fair play and best of luck.

@ntl: I see where you are coming from, and I can understand your point. Fact is tho, I don't think the father should be allowed to just shirk his responsiblities. Leaving the whole communion day thing out of this - she should deffo tell the guards what she knows (which is all she was suggesting anyway). If the guy goes to prison, it's on his own head.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

right so lets say he goes to prison for 30 days.

loses his job (not your problem)

you "teach him a lesson"

what then?

So he's on the dole then goes to court again and will be easiliy able to prove he can't afford to pay based on the dole.

fine by me! if he cant afford it , he cant afford it, but 2 foreign hoildays last yr....he can well afford it. gets paid cash in hand afaik.

or he f*cks off out of the county/city/country

i wish!

Your concern is the benifit of your daughter right?
Thats right , yes

how does any of the above help her daughter?

The situation at the moment is not helping her. anything is better.

apart from you showing him who's boss?

He needs to know i will not put up with it anymore..i cant..financially i cant.

are you both very young?

not sure what that has to do with it. i'm 28 if you must know, so no, i'm not young.

[/QUOTE]

The Corinthian

994 wrote: »

Why, though? Would you punish a woman for giving her child up for adoption? Because that's all this guy has really done.

No. I disagree.

If this had been a case of 'guy meets girl, guy knocks up girl, guy never wanted a kid but now is in indentured servitude for the next twenty years', I might agree, but it's not. He was there as her father for the first two and a half years of her life and supposedly after. He made his choice.

Just as I will here and elsewhere berate women who want 100% of the choice to keep a child, but not 100% of the burden, I would have to say if a man makes his choice to be a father, then tough shìt.

Femmy: What you probably need is a practical solution. TBH, I think a short sharp shock may be in order, so have the Gardai bring him in. Bring him to court then and have them deal with future collection. Offer him a deal and tell him that if he keeps by it, you will leave him in peace. If not you will just set the Gardai on him again. And again. And again.

It may make a positive impression on him and jar him into some level of stability and responsibility, on the other hand, if it was done to me I'd probably make the instigator wish their mother had had an abortion.
You know better how his character and how he'll react.

Either this will solve things or he'll skip the country, if you do. If you don't, then things will simply drag on as they have been and he'll eventually skip the country anyway, is my guess.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

I would have given the guards his last known address a list of dates of the last 6 months maintenance to guards and move on.

.

now who's not reading posts...

I have given the info the the court, they passed it onto the guards. the court clerk suggested i get onto the warrants officer in his area to see if they are getting anywhere with him. which is what i did. they asked me do i want them to take him in. i told them i did.

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

fine by me! if he cant afford it , he cant afford it, but 2 foreign hoildays last yr....he can well afford it. gets paid cash in hand afaik.

or he f*cks off out of the county/city/country

i wish!

Your concern is the benifit of your daughter right?
Thats right , yes

how does any of the above help her daughter?

The situation at the moment is not helping her. anything is better.

apart from you showing him who's boss?

He needs to know i will not put up with it anymore..i cant..financially i cant.

are you both very young?

not sure what that has to do with it. i'm 28 if you must know, so no, i'm not young.

[/quote]

I'm not saying he can't afford it now I'm saying again if you read my posts a bit slower.

That if he goes to prison he will lose his job more than likley (i understand this is not your problem) but he will THEN be able to prove in THE COURT that he can't pay it as he will have NO JOB get me?

your saying anything is better but him locked up adding to his resetment towards you won't make anything any better do you understand this yea?

he won't learn you can't put up with it anymore he will just then have a GENUINE excuse for not paying as he won't have A JOB

ding ding?

the reason i asked your age is his behaviour is of someone who is in there late teens early twenties generally this type of behaviour stops by mid to late twenties when the guy cops on that's why i asked.

Femelade

gubby wrote: »

I have a lump in my throat writing this. I know this child, she is my lovely granddaughter that I love with all my heart. She has lived with us over 5 yrs and I have seen her slowly see what her father really is and it is heartbreaking. She used to talk about him a lot when she was younger but now, hardly at all. I too have made the trip to his town so he could meet her to see her eyes light up when she sees him and he just goes "hi" no hugs, no kisses (as you would imagine a father who doesnt see his georgous little girl very often to do) He simply doesnt care. Femmy is a fantastic mother and she only asked advice because I know how temped she is, when the chance has presented itself, to cut him out of the communion day. I dont this the child will even miss him that much as his father and mother will be there anyway.
Femmy has never ever said a bad word about him to her. even when she was only 2yrs old and he was talking to her on the phone one day telling her that her mother was a c**t and a b***h and when he threatned to burn down our house the day my son got married. Someone spoke about "helping build a relationship" with her father... frankly I think she would be better without him. However, I too dont know if it is a step too far to deliberatly exclude him from the communion day.

Thanks mom.:)

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

now who's not reading posts...

I have given the info the the court, they passed it onto the guards. the court clerk suggested i get onto the warrants officer in his area to see if they are getting anywhere with him. which is what i did. they asked me do i want them to take him in. i told them i did.

if you all ready told them to arrest him why were you hear asking if you should?

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

That if he goes to prison he will lose his job more than likley (i understand this is not your problem) but he will THEN be able to prove in THE COURT that he can't pay it as he will have NO JOB get me?



he won't learn you can't put up with it anymore he will just then have a GENUINE excuse for not paying as he won't have A JOB

.[/QUOTE]

According to the courts he is NOT WORKING....thats what "cash in hand" means...

ding ding??

Just because he is on the dole , it doesnt mean he cant pay his maintenance.

delly

Femmy, i really feel for you and your daughter. It sounds like you have done everything and more for your girl, and despite continued efforts to have her dad involved he doesn't want to know.

I would bite the bullet and give the details to the Gardaí and see what happens. It might make him wake up to his responsibilities, but if not maybe he will be out of the picture for the communion.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

if you all ready told them to arrest him why were you hear asking if you should?

All i have to do is make the phone call.
They wont do unless i am completely sure.
I have told them to try and get the money from him first and i would ring them back to see if they are getting anywhere with him.

MojoMaker

What happened 5.5 years ago that made this man so mistrustful and bitter towards you? What is the other half of the story?

wolfpawnat

Femmy and Gubby I would say never stop her from seeing him, if he doesnt want to see her you cant stop him but if she says she wants to see him and ye say no then she will be very upset! Believe me I was there and so was my sister. My mother got safety and restraining orders against my dad and these caused more problems than anything.

ntlbell you are entitled to your opinion as is everyone else but really she isnt pushing the warrant, the gardai have issued it. It really all depends on his attitude in the courtroom and the judge on the day whether or not he will be imprisoned. She has said already she would rather get her money than see him in prison. And parents age has nothing to do with it. My father is in his 50s and my mother is in her mid 40s and this circus occurs between them on a monthly basis, there isnt a judge in Cork District Court that hasnt seen my parents file!

Femelade

MojoMaker wrote: »

What happened 5.5 years ago that made this man so mistrustful and bitter towards you? What is the other half of the story?

I left him.
He was a horrible person. and still is.

Quality

gubby wrote: »

I have a lump in my throat writing this. I know this child, she is my lovely granddaughter that I love with all my heart. She has lived with us over 5 yrs and I have seen her slowly see what her father really is and it is heartbreaking. She used to talk about him a lot when she was younger but now, hardly at all. I too have made the trip to his town so he could meet her to see her eyes light up when she sees him and he just goes "hi" no hugs, no kisses (as you would imagine a father who doesnt see his georgous little girl very often to do) He simply doesnt care. Femmy is a fantastic mother and she only asked advice because I know how temped she is, when the chance has presented itself, to cut him out of the communion day. I dont this the child will even miss him that much as his father and mother will be there anyway.
Femmy has never ever said a bad word about him to her. even when she was only 2yrs old and he was talking to her on the phone one day telling her that her mother was a c**t and a b***h and when he threatned to burn down our house the day my son got married. Someone spoke about "helping build a relationship" with her father... frankly I think she would be better without him. However, I too dont know if it is a step too far to deliberatly exclude him from the communion day.

He sounds like a right boll1x. However I agree it would not be in the childs best interests to exclude him from her life. Although, If he wants to see her let him travel and make the effort. Also the warrant does seem a bit harsh and would probably be more detrimental to your relationship.

It sounds like you are doing a great job on your own Femmy, I can imagine it is not easy for you to watch the way he treats your daughter. But fcuk him... thats his loss. He will live to regret it, and your daughter will respect you for your love and care.

I hope you have a great day.

tbh

MojoMaker wrote: »

What happened 5.5 years ago that made this man so mistrustful and bitter towards you? What is the other half of the story?

does it matter? Is there anything that Femmy could have done that would justify the guy treating HIS DAUGHTER like this?