Father not paying maintenance...or any attention!

Mr. Incognito

Femmy, just ignore NTLBell. The guy is living in his own little world and it's no where near reality. Responding to his antagonisistic rubbish just encourages him.

Look, you have to look out for your daughter.

Some think that a distant father is better than none at all. I'm not so sure. Is it better for a child to repeatedly get their hopes dashed by an uncaring parent. Children have an unlimited capacity to love and when that love is not returned they can often blame themselves.

Yor ex, quite simply is a selfish bully and you are letting him get away with this abusive behaviour. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them.

On the face of it, you need the money and he has a responsibilty to his child, if he is not meeting that emotionally or financially you have to deal with each issue on it head.

Financially, nail him to the fullest extent of the law. If he doesn't pay- get the guards to take him in. If he is short- don't stand for it. Call in the bailiff. The view that there are more deserving prison spaces out there is frankly bullsh1t. I'd rather bankrobbers walk free than someone deprive my child. Make him pay. If he won't pay make sure he is punished for it. Punishment is the only real incentive to do something against your will. That's why it is there. If he hasn't learned by now that's not your fault but encouraging and silently bearing this treatment is.

Emotionally you're going to have to make a decision. If he does not want to see his child- stop making the effort for him. He cannot waltze in and out when he feels like it as this is more confusing and damaging to a childs emotional stability. Write to him setting out a regular visiting time- every second weekend etc. If he does not stick to this- cut him off. It's better for your daughter at the moment. Perhaps dropping her up to her grandparents during this time would be a happy middleground as then he will be on home turf so to speak and even if he sin't there she will get to know her "other family" in a positive and constructive light.

I see my own son every second weekend and it's hard at times because he lives in a another city but children don't want excuses they want a father but on the other hand they don't miss what they don't have. Whatever about your daughter this is putting too much strain on you.

ntlbell

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Femmy and Gubby I would say never stop her from seeing him, if he doesnt want to see her you cant stop him but if she says she wants to see him and ye say no then she will be very upset! Believe me I was there and so was my sister. My mother got safety and restraining orders against my dad and these caused more problems than anything.

ntlbell you are entitled to your opinion as is everyone else but really she isnt pushing the warrant, the gardai have issued it. It really all depends on his attitude in the courtroom and the judge on the day whether or not he will be imprisoned. She has said already she would rather get her money than see him in prison. And parents age has nothing to do with it. My father is in his 50s and my mother is in her mid 40s and this circus occurs between them on a monthly basis, there isnt a judge in Cork District Court that hasnt seen my parents file!

I explained all ready as I am suprised at his behaviour given his age if he was a lot younger it's a lot more common for these situations to arise that's all i asked for

ntlbell

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Femmy, just ignore NTLBell. The guy is living in his own little world and it's no where near reality. Responding to his antagonisistic rubbish just encourages him.

If you want to argue any of my points with me do so but don't go talking absolute nonsense...I am entitled to my opinion and if you disagree with do so but don't be making judgments on me when you know absoloutley nothing about me.

thanks

ntlbell

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Write to him setting out a regular visiting time- every second weekend etc. If he does not stick to this- cut him off. It's better for your daughter at the moment.

So your suggesting because her EX is breaking the law she should now go against a court order and cut him off from seeing the child

I'll assuming then you would have no issue with the court putting femmy in prison for "cutting him off" and breaking the law?

nice.

wolfpawnat

ntlbell wrote: »

I explained all ready as I am suprised at his behaviour given his age if he was a lot younger it's a lot more common for these situations to arise that's all i asked for

Fair enough:)

Raiser

ntlbell wrote: »

yup sounds like a fantastic idea.

enjoy.

Hey Femmy! Boards.ie is quite a small place and people develop reputations by their online representations of themselves.

Read this post & for an assessment of our friend here that I just so happen to agree with.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=54581826&postcount=5

Ntlbell - I was a bit shocked and horrified to see you engaging in a discussion with someone that has a serious bearing on their quality of life with concerns for their young child.

All I'll say is that you're hardly qualified..... and that's after a lot of restraint on my part.

Femmy, please ignore Ntlbell he's a well known Troll around here.

Best of luck managing that second child in your life; its nearly a pity the Grandparents are so decent and positive in this scenario and you can't just isolate yourselves from that dope and his shíte completely and move on.

Mr. Incognito

I'll assuming then you would have no issue with the court putting femmy in prison for "cutting him off" and breaking the law?

No maintance- no visitation.

More than fair.

Femelade

ntlbell wrote: »

So your suggesting because her EX is breaking the law she should now go against a court order and cut him off from seeing the child

I'll assuming then you would have no issue with the court putting femmy in prison for "cutting him off" and breaking the law?

nice.

okay, He was ordered by the court to come to my house every 2nd wednesday to visit his daughter, this was back in 2005/2006.
He didnt bother the first time.
he did it twice then and never again..
he is "cutting himself off"...

ntlbell

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

No maintance- no visitation.

More than fair.

no that's not the way it works.

the maintenance is not a fee for visitation rights

it's not the way the courts see it

they are two totally separate issues.

if the court has ordered visitation rights it's against the law to deny them maintence or no maintence

ntlbell

Femmy wrote: »

okay, He was ordered by the court to come to my house every 2nd wednesday to visit his daughter, this was back in 2005/2006.
He didnt bother the first time.
he did it twice then and never again..
he is "cutting himself off"...

That's right and if he cuts himself off, you don't break the law.

that's not a problem.

ntlbell

Raiser wrote: »

Hey Femmy! Boards.ie is quite a small place and people develop reputations by their online representations of themselves.

Read this post & for an assessment of our friend here that I just so happen to agree with.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=54581826&postcount=5

Ntlbell - I was a bit shocked and horrified to see you engaging in a discussion with someone that has a serious bearing on their quality of life with concerns for their young child.

All I'll say is that you're hardly qualified..... and that's after a lot of restraint on my part.

Femmy, please ignore Ntlbell he's a well known Troll around here.

Best of luck managing that second child in your life; its nearly a pity the Grandparents are so decent and positive in this scenario and you can't just isolate yourselves from that dope and his shíte completely and move on.

As I said to someone else on this thread if you disagree with any points i put across here please do so with intelligent responses linking to someone calling me a troll, yes great contribution to the discussion.

What do you need to have to be qualified to have this discussion?

I have kids is that enough?

Do you?

K-9

ntlbell wrote: »

So your suggesting because her EX is breaking the law she should now go against a court order and cut him off from seeing the child

I'll assuming then you would have no issue with the court putting femmy in prison for "cutting him off" and breaking the law?

nice.

Having been in a situation were access was denied on a few occassions for extended periods, I couldn't put a childs Mother in prison.

I'd be of the opinion that this man is a bo**ix, there is nothing you can do about that.

Prison will more than likely make him more bitter, not reform him, as he'll blame you.

For the sake of a few Euro a week, which even after prison, he'll probably still mess you about, I'd leave it.

Sometimes you have to move on. The stress he's causing you isn't good for you.

ntlbell

K-9 wrote: »

I'd be of the opinion that this man is a bo**ix, there is nothing you can do about that.

Prison will more than likely make him more bitter, not reform him, as he'll blame you.

For the sake of a few Euro a week, which even after prison, he'll probably still mess you about, I'd leave it.

Sometimes you have to move on. The stress he's causing you isn't good for you.

This is the thing, no one is saying he isn't a bollox and i'm in no way trying to excuse his behaviour here it's disgusting and as a father it can be hard to comprehend his actions.

and if she started a thread saying "is my ex a b0llox" we could all agree on it.

Nevyn

ntlbell I suggest you change the tone of your posting to one which is less confrontational
and antagonistic or else you will be getting a time out from this forum.

The Corinthian

tbh wrote: »

does it matter? Is there anything that Femmy could have done that would justify the guy treating HIS DAUGHTER like this?

In this case, it is difficult to justify, but I don't much like the blanket tone of your comment. As I said earlier, this guy made his choice, they were together for the child's first two and a half years and, IMHO, if a man or woman make an informed and uncoherced choice, then they have to live by it.

Nonetheless, and returning to the topic, I do get the impression that there is two of them in this to an extent. I can't say how much and certainly does not justify his abandonment of his daughter, but it can explain it. I do suspect that the Femmy and her ex were far too young to become parents when they did.

Of course, this is all moot, because the damage is done and no matter who drew blood first, I suspect it has gone way beyond that by now and I doubt if it can be remedied

Femmy wrote: »

okay, He was ordered by the court to come to my house every 2nd wednesday to visit his daughter, this was back in 2005/2006.

A man cannot be ordered to visit his child. We may live in the Mammy Republic, but it's not that draconian.

He is given a legal right to access to his daughter (either supervised or not) by the court. If he does not use this right, you can report this and it will most likely be revoked.

tbh

The Corinthian wrote: »

In this case, it is difficult to justify, but I don't much like the blanket tone of your comment. As I said earlier, this guy made his choice, they were together for the child's first two and a half years and, IMHO, if a man or woman make an informed and uncoherced choice, then they have to live by it.

ok, so what do you think the op could have done? (hypothetically)

if she slept with other guys, does that justify the guy dumping his child?
if she slept with his brother, does that justify the guy dumping his child?

if, in fact, she burned down his house, with him still in it, and agreed that she would only let him out of the burning house if he agreed to chop off his testicles with a rusty hacksaw - does that justify the guy dumping his child?

I've got a million even more ludicrous suggestions than that, but I think you take my point

The Corinthian

tbh wrote: »

ok, so what do you think the op could have done? (hypothetically)

if she slept with other guys, does that justify the guy dumping his child?
if she slept with his brother, does that justify the guy dumping his child?

if, in fact, she burned down his house, with him still in it, and agreed that she would only let him out of the burning house if he agreed to chop off his testicles with a rusty hacksaw - does that justify the guy dumping his child?

I've got a million even more ludicrous suggestions than that, but I think you take my point

I didn't disagree with your point in relation to Femmy's ex at all. I simply commented you can't make a blanket comment about these things, which is what it sounded like. If you did not mean it to be, then fair enough.

tbh

well my comment was in relation to someone who said "what did femmy do to her ex to make him treat the child this way" or words to that effect. And in fairness, my response to that is a blanket statement. I cannot think of a single valid reason why someone would dump their child because of what their ex did. So you did read me right, but possibly in the wrong context

The Corinthian

tbh wrote: »

I cannot think of a single valid reason why someone would dump their child because of what their ex did.

Why not? Women do it all the time, except we call it abortion or adoption.

tbh

The Corinthian wrote: »

Why not? Women do it all the time, except we call it abortion or adoption.

two wrongs don't make a right. But I'm not even going there

Femelade

The Corinthian wrote: »

A man cannot be ordered to visit his child. We may live in the Mammy Republic, but it's not that draconian.

He is given a legal right to access to his daughter (either supervised or not) by the court. If he does not use this right, you can report this and it will most likely be revoked.

Didnt mean to word it like, that.
Yes he was given the right to visit her, but only did twice. since then i have been driving a 3 hour round trip so she can see his family.


I can assure ye that i didnt do anything bad for my daughter to deserve this treatment. I never cheated on him, I have my suspicions that he cheated on me though. I worked part time and went back to college full time and looked after my daughter while he didnt work and spent his days hanging around with his friends. His father used to mind my daughter for me while i was working and in college.

The Corinthian

tbh wrote: »

two wrongs don't make a right. But I'm not even going there

Best we don't.

Femmy wrote: »

Didnt mean to word it like, that.
Yes he was given the right to visit her, but only did twice. since then i have been driving a 3 hour round trip so she can see his family.

I recommend that you document his no-shows for future reference.

I can assure ye that i didnt do anything bad for my daughter to deserve this treatment.

I'm not suggesting that the treatment your daughter is getting is in any way justified. As I already pointed out, it's not as if he rejected fatherhood - he didn't and supposedly still has not, yet he is not playing the part he's supposed to.

He might argue that you are too difficult to work with and that he can't deal with you, but at this stage seeing as you are both using the courts, he could have imposed a framework (which in the case of access he did, then did not honour). No, overall I get the impression that he is being a bit of an immature bollix, and while you may not be a saint, on balance it is very obvious that he's at fault - with the caveat that this is all based upon your version of events and only for your particular case, of course.

I never cheated on him, I have my suspicions that he cheated on me though. I worked part time and went back to college full time and looked after my daughter while he didnt work and spent his days hanging around with his friends. His father used to mind my daughter for me while i was working and in college.

As I said, I think the two of you, perhaps him more so, were too young to become parents. The bulk of the blame is upon him, but that does not mean that you were mother Teresa and so he probably has valid gripes against you too. In the end, you end up in a situation where the things are too sour on both sides and there's no way to mend the bridges that have long ago been set alight.

I suggested that he should get a short-sharp-shock and get picked up by the guards. I wouldn't recommend this normally, but in some respects you need closure as much as anything else and this could be the catalyst. Either the experience will make him change his ways or he'll give up on fatherhood altogether and likely skip the country. This could mean the loss of a certain amount of income for you, but TBH, is that extra income really worth the treatment your daughter is getting?

And in the end, this is preferable to the status quo, mainly because I suspect he'll eventually leave the country anyway, but only after more of the same for a few more months or even years.

Femelade

The Corinthian wrote: »

Best we don't.

I recommend that you document his no-shows for future reference.

I'm not suggesting that the treatment your daughter is getting is in any way justified. As I already pointed out, it's not as if he rejected fatherhood - he didn't and supposedly still has not, yet he is not playing the part he's supposed to.

He might argue that you are too difficult to work with and that he can't deal with you, but at this stage seeing as you are both using the courts, he could have imposed a framework (which in the case of access he did, then did not honour). No, overall I get the impression that he is being a bit of an immature bollix, and while you may not be a saint, on balance it is very obvious that he's at fault - with the caveat that this is all based upon your version of events and only for your particular case, of course.

As I said, I think the two of you, perhaps him more so, were too young to become parents. The bulk of the blame is upon him, but that does not mean that you were mother Teresa and so he probably has valid gripes against you too. In the end, you end up in a situation where the things are too sour on both sides and there's no way to mend the bridges that have long ago been set alight.

I suggested that he should get a short-sharp-shock and get picked up by the guards. I wouldn't recommend this normally, but in some respects you need closure as much as anything else and this could be the catalyst. Either the experience will make him change his ways or he'll give up on fatherhood altogether and likely skip the country. This could mean the loss of a certain amount of income for you, but TBH, is that extra income really worth the treatment your daughter is getting?

And in the end, this is preferable to the status quo, mainly because I suspect he'll eventually leave the country anyway, but only after more of the same for a few more months or even years.

Unfortunately he wont be leaving the country.
He is now with a girl who has 2 kids and 1 kid with him, so my guessing is thats where his money is going.


Thank you everyone for all the advice.

TargetWidow

Femmy girl good for you. So far so good. You seem to be trying your heart out and doing the job of two parents. But unfortunately in the process you are really being affected by your ex's behaviour and getting caught up in the whirlwind of insanity that seems to exist around him.

I have a very good friend in a similar situation. Her ex was a violent alcoholic. She recently decided to knock the attempts to get the maintenance on the head as it was stressing her out so much. And no matter how well you think you can hide it, your little girl will see you unhappy and surely that skanky fecker of an ex isn't worth one more day of you not enjoying your life.

My hubby came from a broken marriage and he always says isn't it better to grow up with one sane and happy parent than with two mad ones. In your case wouldn't it be better for your little girl to have a relaxed mammy and an absent father rather than the poor woman trying to do too much seeming to pull her hair out that she has now? I know how expensive it is to raise children and financially I can only make one or two suggestions realising that I'm not in your situation myself and honestly wishing that there was something I could do to help....

1. Ask at the Social Welfare Office if it is possible to have them deduct the maintenance out of his weekly payment if you have a copy of a court ordered maintenance agreement.... I'm not sure if they do it here but I think they do and it would take his choice to pay/not to pay out of the equation alltogether.

2.While you are on to them ask them about FIS (Family Income Supplement) as you are a single parent on a low income you may qualify for a bit of help..... and on that note, keep an eye out for CE scheme jobs that pay the same rate as a single parent family payment from DSFA but you only work 20 hours a week. TBH it sounds like you would be better off on the Single Parents payment yourself, I see some local women here on it coining with himself living with them on the QT and working and doing childminding in their houses they make more than I do struggling to work a 44 hour week and pay for creche.

Detach from him and all his antics.
Leave the door open but be like a rottweiler if he crosses the line. Personally I would let him come to the big day but ignore any carry on out of him. Enlist relatives (big burly brothers are a help-to sort him out if he acts up so that you are not involved). But generally I say move on love. For all your sakes. I wish you both well.xxx

bored and tired

Hi Femmy,

not sure what part of Cork you are in but if you are in Fermoy than you will know that the court clerk is a pure pet.

i go down to him about once every 4 or 5 months to get my maintenance warrant made out, he sends it to the gardai, who then ring me to ask me if i a) know where he is and b) do i want him picked up, the answer is always the same, havent the foggiest, and yes,

so why do i bother to do it, because thats not my money, its my daughters, and if he turns up some day, well thats 5 years and counting worth of maintenance that i have warrants for that will go a bloody long way to paying for part of her college or secondary school education,

and if not he will be picked up and sent down for whatever the court sees fit, and that is fine by me, because it is the least he deserves for abandoning his daughter and for leaving me to explain to her why he doesnt write, call or visit, send a birthday or christmas card, she doesnt even expect a present at this stage. Not to mention his legal responsibility to maintain his child.

So my advice is clear, forget the communion do this as a rule, go down to your court clerk every month, sign the warrant, tell the guards where he is or was that you want him picked up, and sooner or later he will get fed up of going for free weekends away especially if you are up in front of Lovely Mr. Patwell and he will either do a bunk like mine did, or actually face up to his responsibilities, Also check with court clerk if you are required to attend at court for maintenance warrant only cases as i never had to attend when that was the only thing on for us, and the court clerk would send out the cheque to me a week afterwards,

CDfm

A good score on access.

Guys like him give the good guys a bad name.

From memory if you get maintenance awarded and there is a history of non payment it has to be paid directly to the court and collected by the D of SW.

I dont know who this would affect any social welfare or lone parents entitlements you may have.

You dont need a solicitor to apply for an enforcement or maintenance order and the Clerks in the district/family courts can help you apply for this.

Do your homework and be clear about what you want before applying. A visit to the Citizen Advice Centre would help.

craiginireland

What's the odds he's gonna turn up at the communion? If he's not that bothered about his child (for which he'll regret till his deathbed) He sure as hell isn't going to be bothered by her communion.

You're making more of it than you should....

CDfm

craiginireland wrote: »

What's the odds he's gonna turn up at the communion? If he's not that bothered about his child

He is entitled to go to the communion if he so wishes and so should his parents.

Its to nobodies benefit to make a big drama out of these events and IMO to document no shows is naff-it only makes you bitter.

I hope its a lovely day.

craiginireland

CDfm wrote: »

He is entitled to go to the communion if he so wishes and so should his parents.

Its to nobodies benefit to make a big drama out of these events and IMO to document no shows is naff-it only makes you bitter.

I hope its a lovely day.

Of course he's entitled to, just like he's entitled to see his daughter. he chooses not too therefore i don't think the op should worry too much

Nevyn

I thik she is more worried about him turning up and making a show of himself and the family and ruining the day.