Girls who dump their friends for men...

Vanbis

One of my friends has done exactly same thing and he is male, it works full circle i supose. The funny thing as well is none of use have even met this girl and its almost six months now. The only time i hear back from him is if im work and he might call or e-mail but its getting to the point now i just dont bother.

gowayouttadat

banshee_bones wrote: »

No i think you are perfectly within your right to do it. Shel get whats going on soon enough id say and if it doesnt cop her on, let her off....

Era I don't think she'll take any notice. It's only when I think about it that it kinda makes sense. When I became friends with her through her bf at the time she was after losing contact with all her friends from school and her hometown. When she broke up with him she had no-one but me and our other friend (who she met through me) to pick up the pieces. Suppose it makes perfect sense now!

banshee_bones

gowayouttadat wrote: »

Era I don't think she'll take any notice. It's only when I think about it that it kinda makes sense. When I became friends with her through her bf at the time she was after losing contact with all her friends from school and her hometown. When she broke up with him she had no-one but me and our other friend (who she met through me) to pick up the pieces. Suppose it makes perfect sense now!

Im afraid so, but maybe you should concentrate on spending time with your friends who are actually being friends, because life is too short and when your absentee friend realises this herself someday i imagine it will be too late. Oh and best of luck with your pregnancy! My best friend is pregnant its a very exciting time!

gowayouttadat

banshee_bones wrote: »

Im afraid so, but maybe you should concentrate on spending time with your friends who are actually being friends, because life is too short and when your absentee friend realises this herself someday i imagine it will be too late. Oh and best of luck with your pregnancy! My best friend is pregnant its a very exciting time!

I think that's excellent advise Thanks, will do.

banshee_bones

No problem ! Hope your friend cops her self on soon (for her own sake!)

dorothygale

Women hate women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG9CnI8O6e8

Chinafoot

While I find Chris Rock somewhat amusing I don't think clip really has much to do with whats being expressed in this thread. It implies we're annoyed with our friends out of jealousy. I really don't think thats the case here.

Now I have no doubt that women like he described exist, but thats probably a topic for another thread tbh.

R.D. aka MR.D

i had a friend exactly like the ones described, only interested in the OH and cancelled plans and would be glued to her phone any time we saw her then they broke up....

she proceeded to accuse me of concentrating on my OH too much and basically all the things that she did in her relationship, except it was just imagined. i eventually cut contact with her because all she would do is complain that i spent more time with him than her (!!!!!!!)

i just told her to cop on and think back to when she was with her OH and what she had done, i've never behaved anything like how extreme she was. evryone comments on how me and my OH are the 'cool' couple who aren't all pdas and glued at the hip!

it was definitly jealously or just plain crazies!

my life is much better now without her negativity!

b3t4

I used to have a male friend like this. I say used to as I pulled him up on his behaviour and told him that if he did it again I felt their wasn't any friendship there anymore. He did it again so we're no longer friends.

I used to have a bunch of single friends who excluded me once I got in a relationship.

Basically, some friends are good friends and some friends are **** friends. It's good to find out which side they're on.

A.

Faddymackshyte

Unfortunately I did this myself last year. I got pulled up on it by a few girls and really felt hurt by what they said, but most of what they said was true, I was waaaay too wrapped up in him. But then I tried to make things right all over again which worked for a while, but none of them liked him, so that didn't help the situation at all.

But I learned alot from that. I'm now with someone different and it's a completely different relationship and I don't feel the need to isolate my friends, maybe because he's different and actually tries to get to know them and they've all aceepted him too.

I do regret cutting those girls out of my life though.

tororosso

Geez talk about extremist stuff! When people get into relationships it might not be all that easy to spend as much time with their friends. When you are working during the week there is often very little time/energy etc to do midweek socialising and the weekend is the natural time to spend with your other half People who take an affront to a friend spending less time with them as they are going out with somebody really need to wake up; unless you are teenagers these things shouldnt even be an issue.

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so"). The people might never break up and more power to them...

allandanyways

tororosso wrote: »

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so"). The people might never break up and more power to them...

+1... I've been with my OH for over a year and from day 1 of our relationship my closest friend at the time became excessivley bitchy to the point that now we don't speak.
She would ring me when I had been telling her all week that I was spending Friday night with OH and be bitching down the phone to me that she was stuck in and it was my fault etc etc... Eh because she didnt have any other friends than me?!
She drove me away from her by being 150% more in my face than she ever had been the few years we were friends, and became essentially blinded with jealousy and became a completley different person- bitter towards me anytime I spoke about my relationship etc etc.. she was always on about how I'd be "running back to her any day now when it all goes wrong"... She became a person I didnt want to be around because basically my relationship was taboo and all I could talk about was how to fix her lonely single life...
IMO Girls do dump their friends for men, but if two people are truly friends, their friendship will come full circle and revert back to what it once was, readjusted according to whatever relationships occur inbetween...

Weidii

The opposite happened to me once though, I was gunna get with a guy and my friends told me that if I got with him I'd abandon them. When I did get with him they were the ones who left me in the ditch, never told me what was going on or asked me places, they just presumed I'd say no. Strange aul situation!

Dudess

MJOR wrote: »

I can see it form both sides!!!!!!!!

I think people in long-distance relationships are somewhat exempt from this type of scenario. It's perfectly reasonable to spend whatever free time you can with your significant other when they don't live nearby.

tororosso wrote: »

Geez talk about extremist stuff! When people get into relationships it might not be all that easy to spend as much time with their friends. When you are working during the week there is often very little time/energy etc to do midweek socialising and the weekend is the natural time to spend with your other half People who take an affront to a friend spending less time with them as they are going out with somebody really need to wake up

And what's being focused on here is friends not spending less time with other friends because of their boyfriend/girlfriend but spending no time with them. I don't know whether you've read some of the examples properly...

unless you are teenagers these things shouldnt even be an issue.

Actually in my opinion, when you're a teenager it's more understandable to be all silly about a new boy... then when you grow up you learn not to take people for granted.

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so").

Ok, you've obviously never had the experience of a close friend having absolutely nothing to do with you when a new girl/guy appears on the scene... then suddenly being all interested in your company when the girlfriend/boyfriend is away (yet spending the night texting them/on the phone to them). It's called using/taking for granted... and the phrase "come running back" when it's all off is very apt.

The people might never break up and more power to them...

That's like something a 12-year-old would say...

allandanyways wrote: »

+1... I've been with my OH for over a year and from day 1 of our relationship my closest friend at the time became excessivley bitchy to the point that now we don't speak.
She would ring me when I had been telling her all week that I was spending Friday night with OH and be bitching down the phone to me that she was stuck in and it was my fault etc etc... Eh because she didnt have any other friends than me?!
She drove me away from her by being 150% more in my face than she ever had been the few years we were friends, and became essentially blinded with jealousy and became a completley different person- bitter towards me anytime I spoke about my relationship etc etc.. she was always on about how I'd be "running back to her any day now when it all goes wrong"... She became a person I didnt want to be around because basically my relationship was taboo and all I could talk about was how to fix her lonely single life...

Well she does seem jealous and resentful of you being loved up. If you don't take her for granted and use her, then she's very much the one at fault.

IMO Girls do dump their friends for men, but if two people are truly friends, their friendship will come full circle and revert back to what it once was, readjusted according to whatever relationships occur inbetween...

Of course, but when it happens repeatedly, it's bound to put a strain on the friendship - no matter how close it is. In fact, I've no doubt it's more hurtful the closer the friend. The friend of mine who carried on like that isn't a close friend - more like a very close friend of a very close friend - and I hated seeing how much she upset our mutual friend. Another friend did it when we were teens but grew out of it.
Then I have a friend who used to spend all weekend with him because she didn't see him at all during the week due to his long work hours, regular work trips away etc - perfectly reasonable. And she'd still come out to the pub every few weekends, and if he was with her, she wouldn't be ignoring people in favour of molesting him...

tororosso

tororosso wrote: »

Geez talk about extremist stuff! When people get into relationships it might not be all that easy to spend as much time with their friends. When you are working during the week there is often very little time/energy etc to do midweek socialising and the weekend is the natural time to spend with your other half People who take an affront to a friend spending less time with them as they are going out with somebody really need to wake up; unless you are teenagers these things shouldnt even be an issue.

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so"). The people might never break up and more power to them...

+1.
Mature it most certainly isn't, some of the posts here read like they something from a 15-year-old.
A woman who finds herself in a position where is is 'all alone' at the weekends because her friend isn't around really needs to stop relying on one person so much.

If it's such an issue when a man comes on the scene, just wait a few years til babies arrive, elderly parents need caring for, jobs take on more responsibility. ...
The dynamics of friendships change over time. When you're a teen they are the centre of your life, when you become an adult you have to accept that.

deathstarkiller

Yeah, It's bound to have an effect but if the friendship is good enough it should be able to get through it.
My best friend and I did and went everywhere together our entire 20's, holidays, movies, playing video games, etc. etc. Also I didn't have any luck with women but he did ok. Anyway back in 99 he started a relationship and moved in with the girl. Almost from the minute they moved in together everything I did changed because we had done everything together and I wasn't used to doing things on my own. At first I was a little bitter and felt like I'd been abandoned. I didn't really have any other friends I did things with and it would be hard sometimes to even arrange to go to a movie with him. I'd get really annoyed if we arranged something and he had to cancel. It was like we were Beavis and Butthead and suddenly Butthead gets a girl and Beavis is stuck on his own. Anyway all it done for me was make me realize I was being an idiot, I needed more friends and I needed to change so I started acting courses and some hobbies and now ten years later I have lots of friends. My best friend from back then is still my best friend, he married the girl, they have three kids, I'm godfather to one of them and Beavis and Butthead go to the cinema now once a week. I'm still crap with women though. :rolleyes:
What I'm saying is if this happens to you, let them have their space for the relationship, sure you'll miss them but if the friendship is strong enough it should survive. If it has a really big effect on you like me then change your life a bit, do some things where you might make some more friends and you'll be fine.

Dudess

It seems like you got pissed off simply because your friend got a girlfriend so wouldn't be around as much for you - that's a separate issue really. Never a good idea to rely on just one or two people, you need to expand your circle of friends if you can. And it looks like you did it - fair play, worked out well...

Deleted User wrote: »

+1.
Mature it most certainly isn't, some of the posts here read like they something from a 15-year-old.
A woman who finds herself in a position where is is 'all alone' at the weekends because her friend isn't around really needs to stop relying on one person so much.

Again, some missing the point going on here - or else the naysayers are guilty of taking their friends for granted and using them/have never experienced this themselves.
Nobody's begrudging anyone wanting to spend lots of time with their partner - especially when they're in the throes of loved-up bliss. It's wonderful when your friends are experiencing that - I think most people are overjoyed for their friends when that happens.
What people are talking about here is when people completely drop their friends when they're in a relationship - as in, spend no time whatsoever with their friends, and furthermore use them when they're at a loose end/only see them when they feel they have to (like e.g. a birthday, hen etc) and even then that's based on whether it's ok with their partner and the night still revolves around them in terms of texting/phoning/not shutting up about them (if they're not there in the first place to maul all night). That's just selfish and more than a little rude.

If it's such an issue when a man comes on the scene

FFS, nobody here has issues with their friends having boyfriends - if that was the case it would be rather hypocritical of us. Anyone who does have that attitude is more than likely jealous/unable to cope with not having their friend to themselves any more. But that's an entirely different issue.

just wait a few years til babies arrive, elderly parents need caring for, jobs take on more responsibility.

Not even relevant here. Nobody expects friends to come out for drinks etc when they literally can't.

It's reasonable to expect a friend who's in a relationship to set aside some time for friends, to not seek their partner's approval :rolleyes: when going out, to be considerate about arrangements (i.e. not constantly changing plans in order to accommodate the SO), to not spend the night ignoring friends in favour of mauling their partner (there is such a thing as manners), to not spend the night - if they haven't brought their partner - texting/phoning them.

How come most of us are capable of doing the above?

And as for the dynamics of friendship changing - it's simple really: if a friend keeps taking you for granted/using you (once is fair enough) then it's not a case of "the friendship should survive it", it's a case of "they're not much of a friend". Any other scenarios involving friends ignoring/using/taking for granted would be frowned upon - why should this be any different?

Monkey61

To be honest in most circumstances I don't mind it. Mainly because if I love one of my friends, I'd want them to be doing whatever made them the happiest and if that involved hanging out with their boyfriend instead of me - well fair enough.

I would hate the idea that someone was hanging out with me out of a sense of enforced duty when they would rather be somewhere else. I don't think it would make them a bad friend as I understand that it is very easy to be distracted by all the excitement and sex and whatnot. If someone isn't even returning texts or whatever - well they probably didn't like you that much in the first place. Personally with friends though, I don't like to have specific rules of conduct that apply and I think that part of growing up is learning to accept people's shortcomings and not letting them bother you by taking them personally. You can either choose to accept someone for who they are or not.

Obviously certain behaviours would probably stretch my good nature past breaking point. If somebody didn't come to your mother's funeral because they were off at the cinema with their boyfriend - then you could probably strike that friendship off.

Dudess

Dudess wrote: »

What people are talking about here is when people completely drop their friends when they're in a relationship - as in, spend no time whatsoever with their friends, and furthermore use them when they're at a loose end/only see them when they feel they have to (like e.g. a birthday, hen etc) and even then that's based on whether it's ok with their partner and the night still revolves around them in terms of texting/phoning/not shutting up about them (if they're not there in the first place to maul all night). That's just selfish and more than a little rude.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one Dudess.

Perhaps I just don't rely as heavily on my friends as I would have done in my early twenties.
As I've got older I've developed my own hobbies and interests and made friends involved in those along the way. I don't mind spending time alone, I have a boyfriend myself.

So I'm very yielding with people who move on with boyfriends etc. We're friends, we'll catch up when we get a chance. No pressure.

coffee_cake

Actually, one of my best friends has fallen into this and it's starting to annoy me, genuinely. It's been over 2 years with him now. Our other best friend is closer to her and swears the amount of times she'll show up late without apologising or just not show up because she's with him is really infuriating. Or you invite just her for a change and guess who comes along.
We [myself and her, rather than her and our other friend] don't see each other regularly, she lives a bit further away and that's fine, we catch up once in a while with long periods of no contact, after 13 years I'm more than happy doing that. It's great catching up on the news and whatever after a few months or so.
Except for the 2 years she's been with him, there is no point making plans with her, as I've just discovered yet again. Either "I don't know, I'm with him, make a booking just for yourselves and we might drop by, I'd like to go" or we only get her with him attached, or if we do get her without him for an hour for lunch, he's ringing and ringing (I'm not joking, I really mean ringing and ringing - one time last summer we managed to spend an afternoon together while he was working, let's just say I don't think he got any work done) and she rushes off afterwards to meet him.
That's aside from the fact I think he's a controlling a*hole, but I won't go down that road...
:mad:

Sorry for the rant, just got brushed off for a lunch meeting :rolleyes:

Dudess

Deleted User wrote: »

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one Dudess.

But I don't think we're even on the same page. You seem to be interpreting people's annoyance here as anger at their friends for simply having boyfriends/spending a lot of them with them (hardly, considering we do it ourselves).
People are focusing here on their friends spending NO time with them if there's a guy on the scene, taking them for granted, using them, forgetting about them, being downright rude to them.

Perhaps I just don't rely as heavily on my friends as I would have done in my early twenties.

Why bring reliance into it? Surely friendship is about a lot more than reliance?

As I've got older I've developed my own hobbies and interests and made friends involved in those along the way.

I don't see the relevance but if those friends took you for granted etc (all the stuff above) would you be ok with it?

So I'm very yielding with people who move on with boyfriends

Again, not what's being talked about. How do you not see we're not referring to people's lives changing because of a boyfriend... we're talking about people being crappy friends because of a boyfriend.

Ollchailin

Chinafoot wrote: »

This is exactly like a friend of mine at the moment. It does my head in!

This "friend" (and I use the term very, very loosely these days) has been going out with her fella for over a year and right from the beginning we were all dropped. I'll call her Anne and her boyfriend Barry. I wouldn't mid but the only reason she met him was because he was a friend of my boyfriend...not that my OH sees him at all anymore, despite making a lot of effort.

Anyway, she will only text us to meet up when he's not around and if he is around and she's planned to meet us she inevitably bails. This is actually a weekly occurance with one of the girls who lives closest to her. Every Tuesday Ann says "Oh lets meet for a coffee when you finish work" and every Tuesday she cancels on her at the last minute, openly telling her that Barry wants her to stay in with him.

Nights out when they're there are the worst! I actually refuse to go out with them now. He sits there ignoring everyone else and only speaking to her.

She used to go "oooh we have to have a girls night" so the rest of us would tell the other halves that we'd be out with the girls and then she'll arrive...with him.


I have never ever dropped my friends when I've been going out with someone. If anything I'm more conscious of making sure I spend time with them.

<Phew...rant over! Needed that!!>

Janey Mac, are you ME??!! That sounds exactly like a situation I'm in. I started going out with my boyfriend just over 2 years ago, and certainly did not ditch my so-called best friend in the process. However, something like 8 months later she started going out with a very close friend of my OH. Sounds great, you'd think- e.g. on nights out it's not like either of them would feel out of place seeing as they know pretty much everyone. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I expect them to be out all the time, but honestly we rarely see them anymore and all they do is sit on their arses watchin telly/DVDs and eating all weekend. Bear in mind they can well afford to go out, if it was a money thing I wouldn't mind so much. She makes some effort the odd time, but again only if he's not around. He's brutal though, and my OH never sees him anymore. Plus I used to get on great with him, but find it really hard to talk to him now cos I feel like we've really drifted. And I'm not the only one thinking that way- say in a group of 12 friends, we've all being thinking the same. The funniest thing about it is that she complains that she never gets to see him! She spends way more time with her OH than I or any of our friends spend with ours.

Then again, maybe people like me and the OP just have to realise some people like living in a bubble of their own and just be glad that we're not like that. And also we should be glad and proud that we can have a grown up relationship without having to ditch everyone- it's not healthy to depend so much on one person.

Good luck OP, I know how frustrating and upsetting it can be.

Dudess

Dudess wrote: »

But I don't think we're even on the same page. You seem to be interpreting people's annoyance here as anger at their friends for simply having boyfriends/spending a lot of them with them (hardly, considering we do it ourselves).
People are focusing here on their friends spending NO time with them if there's a guy on the scene, taking them for granted, using them, forgetting about them, being downright rude to them.

Why bring reliance into it? Surely friendship is about a lot more than reliance?

Again, not what's being talked about. How do you not see we're not referring to people's lives changing because of a boyfriend... we're talking about people being crappy friends because of a boyfriend.

Anyone who takes someone for granted, uses them, forgets about them or is downright rude is no friend in the first place.

Dudess

Yet some people who are friends in the first place do turn into the above just because they've a new guy.