Accepting money from OH

shellyboo

CDfm wrote: »

Ya shellyboo. But when does the line get crossed and you take advantage of someones generosity?

Or more importantly, if the giver can't really afford it and you take advantage of them.

If the giver can't really afford it, they shouldn't be offering. I detest the "oh I'll pay and then resent you for accepting my offer" sh*te. I'm totally prepared to pay my own way on every occasion, if I can't afford to I let the person know in advance. If someone offers to pay, they get one 'are you sure' get out opportunity, after that, it's their own too bad if they're being fake generous.

CDfm wrote: »

In that case, if you are OK with taking money without a conscience or a thought for the other person then IMO you are not a straight up person.

I am a very straightforward person, if not 'straight up'. If I offer to pay, I mean it. If someone offers to pay for me, I presume they also mean it. I'm not going to try to decode a person's motive and financial situation every time they offer to pay. If you can't afford, don't offer.

CDfm wrote: »

THe giver should be able to "forgive" a loan in the case of real hardship or need. But it should be their choice and its not up to the borrower to presume.Nobody likes to ask for repayments when their stuck and may actually be relying on that repayment.

Exactly, but in that case, the expectation of repayment should be made before the money is given. Like in this case, 'I can lend you the extra €200 but I do need it back by X date'.

CDfm wrote: »

In the case you mention -its say a lunch -but how many times do you get stuck with the I forgot my purse or wallet and you go " Ive been got again".

I wouldn't be friends with someone so utterly scabby as to defraud me out of a lunch, tbh. I just would not let someone take advantage of me like that. If one of my friends consistently 'forgot' their wallet, I wouldn't be going for many lunches with them.

EDIT: That's not to say I wouldn't be mates with someone who has no money, lol The way it is with my friends is I'd say "lets go for coffee" and they'd tell me if they had the money to go or not. I might offer to pay if I can afford to or we'd reschedule for when we both have money, whichever.

Iago

Growing up I always felt that I should pay for my partner/potential partner if we were doing something. So if I asked a girl out on a date it was with the intention that I would pay for that date, be it dinner, drinks, cinema or whatever.

In a relationship I tend to continue that by looking to pay first, but I'm no different when out with my mates or family. If I can afford to do it then I'll offer to pay, next time around someone else will generally offer to pay and if they can afford it then I've no problem with that.

Any serious relationship I've had has had a joint account for bills, groceries etc, and then I would generally pay for nights out, dinners, takeaways (too many takeaways) and whatever. That was the way I was brought up and I think it's the right way, without impinging on a womans standing or worth.

Certainly within a relationship I have no idea why the "leg up" gifting of money should ever be raised as an issue, if he/she can afford to offer it then where's the problem?


One last point, money is completely irrelevant. The only role it plays is in allowing you to do the really important things, like spend time together.

CDfm

Shellyboo -you are straight up but that doesnt mean others are as straightforward as you. Thats fine with friends but with lovers its not always clearcut. So the borrower has an obligation to the lender and just should not assume the genorosity is affordable or always affordable.

shellyboo

CDfm wrote: »

Shellyboo -you are straight up but that doesnt mean others are as straightforward as you. Thats fine with friends but with lovers its not always clearcut. So the borrower has an obligation to the lender and just should not assume the genorosity is affordable or always affordable.

I don't borrow from friends or lovers though. If someone offers to PAY, that's different. I'd never accept a loan from a friend or a lover, that's what the bank is for.

CDfm

Iago wrote: »

Growing up I always felt that I should pay for my partner/potential partner if we were doing something. So if I asked a girl out on a date it was with the intention that I would pay for that date, be it dinner, drinks, cinema or whatever.

In a relationship I tend to continue that by looking to pay first, but I'm no different when out with my mates or family.

I wonder what would happen if you went out with a partner who earned a lot more than you and had more expensive tastes- with a penchant for yelling " Garcon, another bottle of the Mouton Rothchild '73 -sil vous plait" every Saturday night.

Iago

CDfm wrote: »

I wonder what would happen if you went out with a partner who earned a lot more than you and had more expensive tastes- with a penchant for yelling " Garcon, another bottle of the Mouton Rothchild '73 -sil vous plait" every Saturday night.

It would probably last around about one date for politeness sake, but anyone with that kind of attitude would get very short shrift from me!

Taking away the exagerration for effect scenario, I do get where you're coming from. If I can't afford something then I can't afford it. As I mentioned I'm the same when I'm with my mates, some of whom earn considerably more than I do. That doesn't mean we're quaffing champagne all night and then worrying about the credit card bill in the morning!

I've been lucky to never spend a lot of time with people who are more concerned with the price tag of something rather than what they actually like.

CathyMoran

What is wrong with accepting a gift that is mutually beneficial? I dont get it. Relationships are by their very nature up and down, there is give and take. Just imagine you are ill and you need your partners help, do you refuse it? I didnt and dont see anything wrong with that, I helped them when they were ill.

OP, enjoy the holiday.

CDfm

Princessa wrote: »

If you felt wierd you could accept it and tell him that once you have the 200 saved up you will wire it over to him...

Aha - loans are really gifts are they?

The_Conductor

CathyMoran wrote: »

What is wrong with accepting a gift that is mutually beneficial?

Lol

OP- there is absolutely nothing wrong. Your other half is offering to help you out- he realises you simply don't have the finances to visit- people in relationships help each other all the time- there is nothing wrong whatsoever. If you want to see it as a loan- so be it, but there is nothing whatsoever wrong in accepting a gift when you are in a relationship.

Dragan wrote:

LoL, I see this more and more around boards lately as a general attitude.

It could just be a present, last time i checked it was perfectly fine for a man to offer a woman a present and it didn't need to imply that she was somehow in need of him financially.

Yes- it does seem to be an increasingly prevalent line of thought around these parts. I simply don't get it. People give each other gifts all the time- without expectation of a reciprocal gift, or return of their gift at some point in the future.

People really seem to have become incredibly mercantile in their relationships and interactions with each other these days

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

Lol

OP- there is absolutely nothing wrong. Your other half is offering to help you out- he realises you simply don't have the finances to visit- people in relationships help each other all the time- there is nothing wrong whatsoever. If you want to see it as a loan- so be it, but there is nothing whatsoever wrong in accepting a gift when you are in a relationship.



Yes- it does seem to be an increasingly prevalent line of thought around these parts. I simply don't get it. People give each other gifts all the time- without expectation of a reciprocal gift, or return of their gift at some point in the future.

People really seem to have become incredibly mercantile in their relationships and interactions with each other these days

OK - but what constitutes a gift then?

If I buy stuff for my kids thats a gift - no strings attached etc.

Now in Izzy's case its not a huge amount but to her its a dilemma and I would say -yes take it and repay it. As thats whats best all around and its no big issue.

But nowadays peoples expectations are higher.

I know some women who would not really go with Cathy Moran's
views but then thats life partner stuff I imagine and pooled resourses sort of thing.

What if one partner pays for all the foreign holidays. How much is too much? 200, 500, 1,000 or what?THey would need to pay up.

CathyMoran

CDfm wrote: »

OK - but what constitutes a gift then?

If I buy stuff for my kids thats a gift - no strings attached etc.

Now in Izzy's case its not a huge amount but to her its a dilemma and I would say -yes take it and repay it. As thats whats best all around and its no big issue.

But nowadays peoples expectations are higher.

I know some women who would not really go with Cathy Moran's
views but then thats life partner stuff I imagine and pooled resourses sort of thing.

What if one partner pays for all the foreign holidays. How much is too much? 200, 500, 1,000 or what?THey would need to pay up.

As far as I am concerned, a long term partner is family and giving them a gift would be no different than giving a child a gift. Its not even an issue here as her bf gets just as much benefit as her from giving her the money. Whetever happened to the old days of looking after one another in times of need...there seems to be something missing nowadays where you have to count what gifts the other person gave you and give them the same back...I admit that smccarrick and I are a family, he is part of me and I am part of him, giving him a present makes me just as happy as I see his face...

OP, please just enjoy this holiday, do offer to pay the money back but dont expect to...he does get to see you after all.

The_Conductor

CDfm wrote: »

OK - but what constitutes a gift then?

If I buy stuff for my kids thats a gift - no strings attached etc.

Any present given without an expectation of recompense is a gift- though this notion does seem to have gotten somewhat lost in today's world......

CDfm wrote: »

Now in Izzy's case its not a huge amount but to her its a dilemma and I would say -yes take it and repay it. As thats whats best all around and its no big issue.

But nowadays peoples expectations are higher.

Its a dilemma purely because some people's attitudes towards the giving and accepting of gifts seems to have undertaken a seismic shift of late.

If its an issue with the OP- perhaps the OP should indeed deal with it in whatever the best manner is to satisfy her unease.

CDfm wrote: »

I know some women who would not really go with Cathy Moran's views but then thats life partner stuff I imagine and pooled resourses sort of thing.

What if one partner pays for all the foreign holidays. How much is too much? 200, 500, 1,000 or what?THey would need to pay up.

Any relationship is a partnership. Both partners contribute towards the relationship in different ways- its very simplistic to imagine that the financial aspect of the relationship is any more important that any of a myriad of other ways that someone contributes in a relationship. Different relationships are structured in different ways- it used to be that the man went out and earned cash, while the woman stayed at home and took charge of the household. Nowadays its just as likely to be the other way around- though many people are loathe to admit such a thing.

There is far more involved in a relationship that keeping tabs on who pays for what, and who has contributed more (be it financially or otherwise).

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

Any present given without an expectation of recompense is a gift- though this notion does seem to have gotten somewhat lost in today's world......

Its a dilemma purely because some people's attitudes towards the giving and accepting of gifts seems to have undertaken a seismic shift of late.

If its an issue with the OP- perhaps the OP should indeed deal with it in whatever the best manner is to satisfy her unease

There is far more involved in a relationship that keeping tabs on who pays for what, and who has contributed more (be it financially or otherwise).

And so have relationships.

You have several issues as I see it. Relationships boyfriend and girlfriend are now a lot different then what they were. With cohabiting etc the lines have become blurred.

We are also operating with a different society materially from the " I will buy the cinema tickets -and you get the sweets" so the costs of the "gifts" have also escalated.So too have the expectations.

Some behavior is rooted in stereotype roles.

But also does what someone people expect to receive without repayment actually stack up in the modern world.

The_Conductor

CDfm wrote: »

And so have relationships.

You have several issues as I see it. Relationships boyfriend and girlfriend are now a lot different then what they were. With cohabiting etc the lines have become blurred.

We are also operating with a different society materially from the " I will buy the cinema tickets -and you get the sweets" so the costs of the "gifts" have also escalated.So too have the expectations.

Some behavior is rooted in stereotype roles.

But also does what someone people expect to receive without repayment actually stack up in the modern world.

Firstly- I don't believe I have 'several issues' as you put it. I accept that relationships are in many cases different from what they used to be- and that with a large number of people cohabiting which they did not do in the past- that expectations are in many cases different from those that we may have had years ago.

I don't accept that society has moved from the stage that a date can consist of a boyfriend and girlfriend go to the cinema, and one buys the tickets and the other the sweets or icecream (or whatever). There is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary or strange there.

Meeting potential partners is a different proposition in the modern world- however people's expectations have not made the fundamental shift that you assert. Most normal people have the same hopes and aspirations that their parents and their grandparents once had- albeit there are now trappings of wealth that might not have been present in bygone days.

Its not unreasonable or unrealistic to expect a gift from a boyfriend or girlfriend to be simply that- a gift. A gift which is to be enjoyed by the recipient, and spread happiness by the giver. Its a sad world that people have to expect that receipt of a gift infers an ulterior motive on the part of the giver.

Certainly the world has moved on- but not everyone is as mercenary as you are suggesting- most people fundamentally have the same beliefs, needs and wants that they have always had.

Why do some people have such difficulty accepting a gift at face value?

here.from.day.1

+1 for yes.

He made a good point, hes the one that uprooted and made it difficult so dont feel guitly.

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

Firstly- I don't believe I have 'several issues' as you put it.

I didnt mean you personally - my mistake and sorry.

What I wanted to do was distinguish between a genuine gift, family and what sometimes is taking advantage of a genuine person or friend.

You define gift eloquently. I wish I could have put it like that.

consultech

The overwhelming consensus seems to be "take it".

Latchy

It's only money OP which is just a means to an end .At least he is generous and thinking of you .Take it .

bills

Yes definetely. Your in a relationship,your meant to help each other out. You can always treat him to something again when you have the money.

CDfm

Here the money amount aint huge. So its Ok.

I just wonder if there are any women left who split bills and expenses and definately have views on OHs and their own money?

For the people saying we should pool resources - that's fine in a long term relationship, but this isn't a long term relationship. It may well turn into one, but right now it's still at the stage where we're not thinking 'what's mine is yours' etc.

I'm not a princessy type, I was never spoiled by my parents or a boyfriend, so this IS a lot of money to me. I'm not used to accepting big gifts, especially since the people I know can't really afford them, so I'd feel like they were sacrificing things for me. I'd feel really bad. I guess this is different since he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. I know he's quite hard up though, which is why I feel funny taking money. It's NOT a matter of 'I feel like I should give something in return.' It's a matter of 'I don't want you to go hungry for a month to pay for half my plane ticket'.

It's done and dusted now anyway, I bought the ticket and he lodged the money. Hope it all works out.

CDfm

Izzy - you really are the real deal & do think about this ethically.

Enjoy your holiday.

Stheno

CDfm wrote: »

I just wonder if there are any women left who split bills and expenses and definately have views on OHs and their own money?

What do you mean?

[quote=[Deleted User];59060533]
I'm not a princessy type, I was never spoiled by my parents or a boyfriend, so this IS a lot of money to me. I'm not used to accepting big gifts, especially since the people I know can't really afford them, so I'd feel like they were sacrificing things for me. I'd feel really bad. I guess this is different since he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. I know he's quite hard up though, which is why I feel funny taking money. It's NOT a matter of 'I feel like I should give something in return.' It's a matter of 'I don't want you to go hungry for a month to pay for half my plane ticket'.

It's done and dusted now anyway, I bought the ticket and he lodged the money. Hope it all works out.[/QUOTE]

Aww, that's nice to hear, I hope you both really enjoy your time together

CDfm

nouggatti wrote: »

What do you mean?



Aww, that's nice to hear, I hope you both really enjoy your time together

I was just reading the posts and thinking how thoughtful the OP was and how really nice that is.

My G/F is like that and its refreshing to see someone else with similar qualities- but reading this thread its a rare commodity.

Stheno

CDfm wrote: »

I was just reading the posts and thinking how thoughtful the OP was and how really nice that is.

My G/F is like that and its refreshing to see someone else with similar qualities- but reading this thread its a rare commodity.

Hmm I'd have the impression both from RL and from posts on here, that most couples would tend to split bills from the get go, it strikes me that there are a minority of female posters (and a fairly small minority) who have ever posted that they would expect a bloke to cover all costs/pay all the time whatever.

Personally I'd split bills with a bf, and if things were more long term/married etc, I'd have expenses split proportionate to income so that each partner contributes relevant to income, e.g. one partner earns 20k, the other 30k and the bills were split 40/60 so that each ended up with roughly the same individual free cash after expenses were paid, and were free to do what they wanted. I don't subscribe to the what's mine is your theory however, due to personal experience.

mahamageehad

Izzy IMHO i think your right. It's only fair you get to see your man every so often especially if you miss him.

However like many posters here i understand your feeling of "obligation".
I never bought into the theory that men should pay for everytin, or even the majority of things. In fact i always pay my half and if my man pays for the cinema one night i like to pay the next night. This is not because he makes me feel i have to, its because I want to.

I can really see where you're coming from here because recently my OH has started putting pressure on me to accept gifts of money from him as I am in some financial difficulty. It's mainly because although we're both students I am paying every cent myself (including a E6,000 loan) because i dont like to rely on other people to pay for stuff for me, not even my parents, while he has a real soft jammy job. Although hes rolling in it to put it crudely it still doesnt feel right allowing him to pay more than what I see as his fair share.

In short, i really believe you made the right choice hun and I hope you have an amazing hol and will keep us posted!!! But I can also see where you're coming from. If you really feel wen you come back to start saving to pay him backwell that's fair enough but I'd leave any decision making till then.

Best of luck!!!

consultech

nouggatti wrote: »

it strikes me that there are a minority of female posters (and a fairly small minority) who have ever posted that they would expect a bloke to cover all costs/pay all the time whatever

It's probably worth pointing out though that there is a lot of female posters simply saying things like "Take it" in response to the question though, without any justification/reasoning/consideration of BF's financials, or for reasons of equality etc. I'm not trolling for fun here, but I think there's definitely a princess undercurrent present in this thread, which I think you've overlooked with above statement.

That said, there's also a lot of applause for OP's refreshing outlook on the dilemma, which is nice to see - but which I would not expect from a lot of females in today's society.

mollybird

yes do accept it. now it did take me a while before i felt confident to accept money from my OH but now it's a bit of give and take. and since he is miles away it helps. my guy pays for my petrol when i have to go up to him alot when he can't get to me and that is only an hour away.