Are you a heartbreaker or a heartbreakee??

aoibhebree

I suppose I'm lucky in that I've been in four serious relationships ... the first on and off over three years, the second for six months (not very long but very intense at the time!), and the third almost two years. In all these cases, I lost interest first and ended it and, I'm not proud of it, but all three boys were pretty damn devastated for quite a while after. I really did love all three at the time, but ... for various reasons circumstances changed, I was too young and immature, etc etc, and I ended it.

I'm now engaged to a wonderful perfect man and we love each other to bits. I'm not naive, I know you can't always predict the future, but I really can't see us not living happily ever after.

So what about the rest of ye? Who ended it? And what's it like to have your heart broken?

Dudess

Been in both situations. I don't think it's any harm to experience either side of the coin...

I found with earlier relationships I was the heartbreakee, and as I got older and more savvy I suppose (possibly more guarded), became the heartbreaker.

Having your heart broken is horrendous!

liah

Only ever been the heartbreaker when it comes to long-termers. Felt awful about it, too, the last one was just horrible in terms of how he took it... utterly devastated. But it just wasn't the right time for us to be together. Maybe in a couple years.

Nevyn

Who is to say who broke who's heart first, the person who calls the halt may have already had their heart broken several times.

spinandscribble

sing it Traed! Amen....

Faddymackshyte

I've had my heart broken twice now, both very unexpected. And because of that, I have this huge barrier up, because they've both been awful break-ups, but the guy I'm with a the moment is gradually breaking that down.

LolaLuv

I tend to flee at the first sign of trouble, so I guess I'm the heartbreaker until I fall in love. Then I'm always, always the heartbreakee.

pow wow

PillyPen wrote: »

I tend to flee at the first sign of trouble, so I guess I'm the heartbreaker until I fall in love. Then I'm always, always the heartbreakee.

Group hug :P Haven't been with anyone long enough in years for this to ever come up....the last serious one would probably thank me now for ending it. He got married recently so I figure his heart isn't broken either

LolaLuv

meanie boots wrote: »

Group hug lol. Haven't been with anyone long enough in years for this to ever come up....the last serious one would probably thank me now for ending it.

Haha! Nah, no group hug needed. I don't fall in love enough for it to be a problem. :cool:

pow wow

PillyPen wrote: »

Haha! Nah, no group hug needed. I don't fall in love enough for it to be a problem. :cool:

+1

Wibbs

Have been both. It's not nice in either camp. I would say that having my heartbroken for me was worse than a bereavement. I learned a lot from those thankfully rare occasions though.

jellie

PillyPen wrote: »

I tend to flee at the first sign of trouble, so I guess I'm the heartbreaker until I fall in love. Then I'm always, always the heartbreakee.

im the same.. i find it easy to walk away until i fall in love. once ive fallen in love i find it very hard to let go, even when i know where its headed, and so i end up being the heartbreakee

Leslie91

Only ever been the breakee........... as far as I can remember.

Took me yrs to get over it. Horrible.

Would not wish it on anyone. (apart from maybe the cailin that did it to me-karma baby karma)

LightningBolt

Heartbreaker, if I lose interest I'll just finish it. Rather that than carry on in a relationship that's going nowhere.

banshee_bones

Wibbs wrote: »

Have been both. It's not nice in either camp. I would say that having my heartbroken for me was worse than a bereavement. I learned a lot from those thankfully rare occasions though.

+1

been on both sides of the fence... neither side is easy

Acacia

It's hard to say. I simply haven't been in that many 'serious' relationships (been with the same guy since the start of college). I know in the past I wouldn't have my heart broken exactly, but there were lots of guys I fancied who never seemed to notice me. Now more people seem to chat me up ( but that's usually on nights out, I don't really consider them 'fancying' me , really).

So, to answer the OP's question, I guess neither, as of yet! :pac:

homerun_homer

I think a bit of both. My one serious relationship had mutual heartbreak, though I think I took on far more of it.
Before that it was a 50/50, sometimes I was big into a girl who'd end up shunning me and other times girls were more interested in me than I was in them.

PrettyInPunk

Ive only been the heartbreakee, have no idea whats it's like to have my heart broken. im scared

cuckoo

PrettyInPunk wrote: »

Ive only been the heartbreakee, have no idea whats it's like to have my heart broken. im scared

My experience is that i ended a couple of relationships and a few flings, and emerged relatively untouched as i was the breaker.

Then....i had my heart broken. Along with the pain came a desire to seek out those that i had broken up with in the past and apologise profusely - i had no idea it hurt that much.

clartharlear

Wibbs wrote: »

Have been both. It's not nice in either camp. I would say that having my heartbroken for me was worse than a bereavement. I learned a lot from those thankfully rare occasions though.

Yup. Because someone has decided to dump you/leave you. The only bereavement that's worse than a real heartbreak is losing someone to suicide.

homerun_homer

PrettyInPunk wrote: »

Ive only been the heartbreakee, have no idea whats it's like to have my heart broken. im scared

You mean you have only been the heartbreaker.
I think everyone has to experience the flipside just for the life experience. If it could be avoided then well done, I envy you. What's worse is I learned nothing from my experience of it so there was no silver lining to that cloud.

Both.Only once was it done to me.I remember I was wishing I could go back in time and pre emptively break up with her first.Then it wouldn't have been as bad.I think it must upset as I thought no girl would ever break up with me.Quite a knock to the old confidence.:)

Zee Deveel

Both. I genuinely don't know what was worse. I reacted very very very badly to both.

When I was heartbroken, I went a little, well, off the walls. Ended up disappearing, off most of my friends' radars, staying in a couple of hostels out the country, just listening to all the songs that reminded me of him, writing, drawing, walking and walking and walking. Totally withdrew into myself for quite a while... I'm sure there would have been more steps of that little bit of misery but for the fact that we managed to sort things out and get back together.

When I broke his heart, I was just trapped in complete self loathing. Which mainly manifested itself in the excessive consumption of alcohol and various other substances and activities that made me completely let go of and forget myself and most other things around me. That one did spiral really badly, actually. I've lost of a lot of memory from that period.

Weidii

Always been the breaker, it's getting annoying at this stage. I think I guard myself in that I don't get in too deep with anyone I know isn't besotted with me.

Twee.

Weidii wrote: »

Always been the breaker, it's getting annoying at this stage. I think I guard myself in that

Pretty much sums me up, the breaker. I've never been in a serious relationship, but it's always me who ends things, just as it seems the other person is getting into it. Fear, guarding myself, commitment issues, who knows?!

NewFrockTuesday

Sitting in the kitchen talking to my housemate last night and he said something that struck me as quite unusual. We were closhing about life in general – hes more a houseguest for a few weeks as opposed to a regular housemate, so we are catching up as it were. We struck briefly upon the subject of his marriage break up which happened 7/8 years ago with an 8 year old child involved. He was saying that he has had relationships since – I didn’t get the impression that he has had many or long term either but didn’t want to pry too much. Then he said that she had broken his heart and he didn’t care what people thought or said, once your heart has been completely broken, you never forget or recover. It still hurts years on how she took his life and child away from him – and from the expression on his face, its clear that it really does still hurt him. Btw, no alcohol involved in the evening so not a maudlin “oh woe is me” conversation.

When he broke up from her, his friends rallied around and so did family and they managed to drag him through it. It seems it was a case of dragging at the start as he was just rendered incapable with grief.


This to me is a whole scale of grief more than Ive ever experienced. Sure, had the heart broken – more than broken – and even that’s a very light sounding term for the grief experienced, it doesn’t give me the literal payoff for the terrible feelings of loss and betrayal that I felt when it happened to me. But nothing I felt came even near to what I saw in this guys eyes. It was more the look of a person who’s just been told their family has been wiped out in an accident or something. Considering the break up was 8 years odd ago, I find it hard to comprehend how you would not have to some degree healed. He’s still in contact with the child – a teen now – and of course the mother in regard to how the child is raised, so constant exposure to the source of the hurt may explain the pro longing of the pain?

It scared me a bit tbh. I never knew (unless death was involved) that heartbreak can ruin the rest of your life. I honestly think he has shut himself off completely from any notion of a serious relationship as surviving another break up like that would be too much for him to bear. Am I just really innocent here or is he an extreme case? Ive comforted friends through break up and there were some right rattlers here and there, but nothing on this scale so many years later. The guy is only 36 and that’s the really sad bit.

How extreme can heart break be? Normal patterns are stalling for a while with support to get back on track, throw some counselling in there and a realisation that you are better without this person and …voilia…a new beginning. Might take a while but it happens – at least I thought it did until last night. I never thought someone might not recover from a broken heart. It just never occoured to me.

stovelid

Heartbreakee once. Makes me sad even to think of it even though it was over 16 years ago.

Was on the other side a handful of times, which was also awful.

MJOR

Neither really. My current OH is the only person i have ever been in love with.

Papillon87

To date? Have only been in one relationship, and I was the heartbreakee.

It was the worst experience of my life thus far. Definitely agree with Wibbs re similarities with a bereavement. I cried myself to sleep for weeks, did all the cringe-worthy things one shouldn't do etc. In retrospect, I was like a zombie for three months, no exaggeration.

Wibbs

Deepsense wrote:

Then he said that she had broken his heart and he didn’t care what people thought or said, once your heart has been completely broken, you never forget or recover.

I've know people like him. Men and women. Once their heart is broken, they never fully let another in. It seems to happen more with really heavy first loves in early adulthood. The sense of intimacy and shared exploration of something new and shiny. That I suppose can't be repeated for some people. As I said before when it has happened to me, I wouldn't be far off that guy at the start. Numb and bruised, followed by a sense of loss. Just like a death, but as clartharlear said it has the added pain that they looked at you in the raw emotional intimate state that real love leaves you and rejected you. Plus unlike someone dying they're still around and moving on to another etc. Very deep hit to the ego. A hit some never truly recover from. I think as well that time passing can make some people sugar coat the person and it becomes this feedback loop for all that is wrong in their emotional state. It becomes an excuse for why they've not moved on. In a way they've chosen not to.

I suppose, that although having my heart broken(and I swear I've actually felt like it physically did), sooner or later I get angry. Not with them, but with myself, for living in a dream based on little reality. They left. They ultimately lost out on me. In both cases looking back, I'm glad they left me, when they did. Not for the pain, but because of the major positive effect it had on the progress of my journey to understand me. I would not be the man I am today, such as that may be, without them. So I'm grateful for their deep love and the deep love I felt for them and the shared journey together. I'm equally grateful for the insight I gained into myself that made me who I am. Actually and this may sound strange, the only regret I would have is that they never got to be with that person I am now. They've lost out and I don't mean that in a nasty way either.

My 2 cents anyhoo.

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually and this may sound strange, the only regret I would have is that they never got to be with that person I am now. They've lost out and I don't mean that in a nasty way either.

Sometimes that is just not possible due to the amount of mental and emotional
drama and trauma.