Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

GAAman

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would s hout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life. Neighbors feared him.

They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said,











'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down

________________________________________________________________



Bloke walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'


Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time, like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano, he was an amazing guy.

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'


Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?


Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I married his bloody widow.'

_______________________________________________________________

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you

should have remained a virgin.'





- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)





<<





I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not

pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed,

but fine against a wall.'





- Eleanor Roosevelt











<<





Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw

that statement





- Mark Twain





<<





The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.





- George Burns





<<





Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.





- Victor Borge





<<





Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.





- Mark Twain





<<











By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if

you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.





- Socrates





<<











I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.





- Groucho Marx





<<











My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she

stops to breathe.





- Jimmy Durante





<<











I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.





- Zsa Zsa Gabor





<<











Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.





- Alex Levine





<<











My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop

dying.





- Rodney Dan gerfield





<<











Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more

pleasant form of misery.





- Spike Milligan





<<











Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.





- Joe Namath





<<











I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time

for my nap.





- Bob Hope





<<











I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in

it.





- W. C. Fields





<<























Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will

avoid you.





- Winston Churchill





<<











Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else

starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.





- Phyllis Diller





<<











By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to

go anywhere.





- Billy Crystal





<<











And the cardiologist's diet:




- If it tastes good spit it out.

banquo

Come for the jokes, stay for the formatting.