Lying girlfriend..long story..please read..free cookies

Vegeta

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

I can honestly say no. The reasoning behind something like that is dwarfed compared to the lying. It's beyond secondary. I think Wibbs has concluded matters here. All relationships have learning curves..for both of us. I'd rather we make our mistakes together and move on as a couple than suffer the pain and live in regret.

p.s Cookies are on their way.

Good stuff.

py2006

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

This why she lied to you

and i dont blame her - so what if she has male friends with history. you have put her in a position where she is not comfortable speaking to you about things in her life and feels the need to hide them from you.

i think she should dump you - no one needs control men in their life.

Thats a bit unfair now to be honest. Any man OR woman would be abit thrown aside finding out that the love of their lives has initiated communication with an ex they spoke badly of and lied about it. I mean come on!!

To suggest its his fault she didn't tell him is absolutely bizarre. Unless of couse he is a an abusive control freak but there is no evidence to suggest that!

unhappycamper

Joe the Santa wrote: »

he says he trusted her, yet broke all privacy barriers without coming across any solid evidence to suggest that she had actually lied about getting a valentines txt and kicked up **** with her, are you really telling me that doesn't sound like someone who is ensecure?



also as he says here she he is trying to build a case on a technicality, generally when people do this they are jumping to a conclusion that someone has done wrong and without proper evidence try and build her a case. Again not like someone who sounds insecure.


As in relation to why I was so harsh, I believe that he is overly controlling with an ability to over react. generally not the best qualitied in people

The OP is not a specially trained love ninja who reacts perfectly to any given situation that he may meet. There is simply no answer to how people are going to react when their feelings are hurt. There is no rule book or manual to how one should react when their partner is not being cool. The fact is she was probably doing nothing bad behind his back but she was hiding something from him. The OP also mentioned that he shoots from the hip and honesty is everything to him ( A very attractive quality no?).

Wibbs

py2006 wrote: »

I hate to come accross as generalising here but if it was other way around and there would be all out war. I have yet to meet a woman who would gladly turn a blind eye to this.

His reaction was right, approach may not have been!

I agree.

Wibbs

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

All relationships have learning curves..for both of us. I'd rather we make our mistakes together and move on as a couple than suffer the pain and live in regret.

Bingo. Actually contrary to many posters opinions I think you handled this pretty well all things considering(scoping out her moby, notwithstanding). Put it another way, if someone was of a mind to change your partners mind about you and get the legover tm, you would give them little ammo to do so. Good luck with the moving on together.

doncarlos

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH I wouldn't do the ultimatum. Maybe that's me though. I figure if it's come to an ultimatum you've already lost out and missed the boat, when it could be easily sorted earlier.

I wouldn't have either and didn't when i was presented with the situation in my past relationship. It's not until i got burned that i started thinking that i should have.

K-9

Unregistered wrote: »

The fact that she is able to finish your sentances when you are reciting your principles means nothing much, other than she is a talented communicator who can parrott key phrases she's no doubt heard from you plenty of times before.

You mentioned you pride yourself on these things, so easy with a little 'mirroring' and flattery to appease you really. You read too deeply into that, just because someone parrotts what you say and appears to empathise, it means nothing, us women are master communicators remember and this is basic ego fluffing.

To him, of course she told you she finds him repulsive and he is the pursuer, zzzzzzzzzzz, yawn, its bog standard stuff. At best it will create some confusion, delay you and throw you off the scent for a bit, while you dissect the irrelevant minutae of who sent who texts, when and why etc

Her reason for keeping this fella on the back burner?

Could be one of a myriad, but here I think its likely to be the following.

As a woman sometimes you meet a man that idolises you as a Goddess from the start, you can see it in how he behaves and treats you, you mightn't want him at all or right now or whatever but the attention is ego flattering and you will drip feed him just enough to keep him on the reserve bench.

Thats what she's been doing. Its up to you to decide how huge or small a crime it is.

Its something most women grow out of, but some dont.

This could be the case and is why if there is any reoccurrence of the texts, you have to leave.

SarahSassy

Plek Trum wrote: »

"an attention whore"

OP (and not Plek Trum) I was on your side until I saw this.... Low and cheap dig to someone who cant answer back...I note you removed it from your original post....

Aside from that I would not be texting an ex and lying to my OH for ANY reason, espectially guilt, if it meant me lying to him...

My opinion is that she is keeping him stringing along and likes the attention. If she didnt, she would not initiate contact with him and also would not have lied to you... Beware but stay away from her phone.

John Mason

py2006 wrote: »

Thats a bit unfair now to be honest. Any man OR woman would be abit thrown aside finding out that the love of their lives has initiated communication with an ex they spoke badly of and lied about it. I mean come on!!

To suggest its his fault she didn't tell him is absolutely bizarre. Unless of couse he is a an abusive control freak but there is no evidence to suggest that!

i speak badly of my ex idot boy but when he texts or emails, i reply - cos i am a grown up and it is my decision who i text

i tell my OH of XXX phoned or text quess what now.

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

dunnowhattodo

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i speak badly of my ex idot boy but when he texts or emails, i reply - cos i am a grown up and it is my decision who i text

i tell my OH of XXX phoned or text quess what now.

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

Do you randomly text or email him? Do you initiate?

py2006

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i speak badly of my ex idot boy but when he texts or emails, i reply - cos i am a grown up and it is my decision who i text

i tell my OH of XXX phoned or text quess what now.

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

Thats hard to read but I think your suggesting you communicate with your previous boyfriends and your current has no problem with it. Which is fine for you I guess and if he is fine with it then fair play to him.

The OP did say he trusted her but this incident has caused him to question (not doubt) that and I don't blame him.

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

And you've no interest in the ex idiot boy. OK lets imagine you did get the gooey all of a sudden over some bloke who was texting you and you kept that from your OH. What would that mean? regardless of whether he trusts you or not? The texts would still be hidden. It's not rocket science and it's not always as black and white and just trust/do it/suck it up as you often suggest.

You tell your OH this stuff and he tells you and good for you both. It's the healthiest way to be by far and great if you're both trustworthy people not easily strayed. No mistake there.

But people differ and intent also differs depending on the people and the relationship. The OP's GF didn't and wasn't opne. Yes it's very possible that she couldn't trust him, but it's equally possible she was using the other guy as an ego boost. The facts that she was hiding them and instigating them would stick out for me. There is a point where someones boundaries can be crossed. Ignoring that is not good, obviously where its a healthy boundary of course.

As for trust... In one of the examples I gave above of where I was the "other guy", the BF trusted her completely. To the degree she told him she was txting me, talking to me and even meeting me. I never met him. He was very trusting. I still slept with her, while he was at home busily trusting her no doubt. I've seen that with others a few times and indeed it has happened to me, where I trusted someone completely while she was busy lining up a replacement. A replacement, who in a very roundabout way she met through me trying to help her, as I thought it would be good for her(karmas a bitch and I deserved it TBH.) As I say my actions in the past were not a proud moment for me I grant you, but it gave me some insight to how one balances trust with common sense and how one should not always judge others way of doing things by ones own.

Wibbs

Let me just add, in the cases of my examples, the original relationship was going south anyway. The ball was dropped by the guy and the woman was staying in them for security or from guilt. Me or anyone else coming along was ripe for the picking. That includes the times I was cheated on too. I had dropped the ball. The breaking of trust, came as an end point. I'm quite sure I could not have pulled someone in a mutually healthy good relationship and I wouldn't have been cheated on either, if mine had been up to scratch. A happy person rarely cheats. Mutual trust and boundaries are part of that happiness.

Wagon

I think your just someone who loves his girlfriend but doesn't want to waste his time and get ****ed around either. Neither controlling and untrustworthy doesn't really come into it. I never really understood those people who think blind trust is the only way to have a good relationship. It's like the old phrase "what you don't know can't hurt you" but I think it's the exact same as "ignorance is bliss". And that is never good when it comes to relationships.

To be fair, we're all attention whores. I like it when girls show an interest in me even though I've got myself a girlfriend. I see it as a compliment but nothing more. And if your girlfriend is attractive, she's bound to recieve intertest from other men. The important thing is that she doesn't act on it. and she doesn't appear to have at all.

However, what seems to be irritating you is that she's keeping in touch and instigating it when she's already told you that this bloke might have feelings for her. This is what I don't understand at all either. The only logical thing I can think of here is that she likes the attention and is willing to keep contact to stroke her ego. It's a lot different than some bloke approaching her on a night out and trying his luck.

All this "you shouldn't have read her phone" stuff is right in a way, more along the lines of invading someone elses privacy which is never a good thing unless it's justified. In this case it was though, even though it was only a gut feeling. Ask her why she's been keeping in touch with an ex she reckond she still harbours feelings for. That's the best place to start.

SarahSassy

Wagon wrote: »

To be fair, we're all attention whores.

No we are not

I would not get any kick out of leading an ex on and staying in touch with him to feed my ego... I would also not get a kick out of leading on an ex and lying to my bf about it... People do this basically to feed their own ego's which is not a particularly nice trait in my book.

Wagon

SarahSassy wrote: »

No we are not

I would not get any kick out of leading an ex on and staying in touch with him to feed my ego... I would also not get a kick out of leading on an ex and lying to my bf about it... People do this basically to feed their own ego's which is not a particularly nice trait in my book.

No no I don't mean we all do that! I'm saying his girlfriend might be doing that. And when I said we are all attention whores, we are to an extent. We like people being interested and we like when people find us attractive, even though we might not share the same feelings for them. It's like a compliment and it's human nature to be flattered. Probably easier to say we like attention. Anyone who denies it is a liar or a robot But certainly not all to the degree of having an ex holding on to the reigns to feed our ego. Like yourself, I can't see the appeal of it either. And that's why I'm advising him to talk to her and try and find out why she's at it.

Rosser

Maybe you need to get over it, that level of insecurity will make it impossible to manage a relationship

Wibbs

Rosser please dial down the vitriol please.

asdasd

After a long discussion, she says she's sorry for lying to me and realises it was something she shouldn't have done.

Personally I think "long discussions" have little or no place in early twenties relationships and certainly not after 7 months. a quick sharp row and some make up sex, maybe. These things are supposed to be fun.

One other point. The gf knows this guy for years, the "ex" thing is nonsense in reality since it was 2 dates. Two dates is not a relatioship, it is two dates.

In effect the OP is mad because his gf is texting someone of the opposite sex whom she has known for a long time. Diddums.

I suspect the "long conversations" will end this relationship, and she should run.

bluesguitar

being in the same situation recently I think looking back it was because she wasn't sure wat she wanted and was testing the water. Its a pretty ****ty place to be! Try to keep a level head the worse u get the worse she will! If it still at u its ultimatum time! Good luck pal!

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

greetings unhelpful and or off topic comments are not allowed on this forum. Have a read of the forum charter. Thanks.

[pedant] well technically it is on-topic, because he did promise cookies. None of which have materialized Bet they were going to be maryland cookies too [/pedant]

Now..

First off, it's a bit strange the fact that you read through her messages. That's a huge breach of privacy but has also put yourself in a bad position. If you bring it up with her, how will she react once she knows?

As has been said before, attractive women always get attention from other males. Just try and have the mind-frame, "they can look all they want, but she's coming home with me"

asdasd

Now..

First off, it's a bit strange the fact that you read through her messages. That's a huge breach of privacy but has also put yourself in a bad position. If you bring it up with her, how will she react once she knows?

I can't really blame you for not fully reading the OP's original essay given it's length ( and dullness) but since I unfortunately did ( and there's tem minutes I will not get back again) let me put it straight, for you and future commenters.

1) She texted the guy first.
2) The OP did confront her.

It's all there.

this is a community service on behalf of asdasd, and associates

givyjoe81

Gyalist wrote: »

All attractive women ( and even some of the not so attractive ones) have orbiters. A confident, self-assured man will not see them as any sort of threat to his relationship.

As long as you continue to be controlling and judgmental, women will lie to you. Insecure men always say that they want to know the truth when they can never handle the truth. E.g. how many men have you slept with? Is it any wonder that women find it prudent to lie?

Think thats bang out of order to be honest, the girl blatantly lied to the chap in fairness. Controlling and judgmental?! Man hate much!!

Iv made mistakes in the past and acted like that girl did, and my ex had ample reason to pick up my phone and look through.

And im afraid i think the chap very much does have a reason to be suspicious, feeling guilty is one thing, but the fact she wanted him at some party, doesnt add up and way you look at it. Shut and closed case really

BumbleB

I had a friend who was seeing this stunning girl there a while ago .One time at (bandcamp) a party this guy was all over her and they were talking and laughing and she was responding . We were across the room and He didn't seem to care less so I said to him how come you aren't doing anything about it.He just turned and said " well ,she's coming home with me tonight" and went up to get another round.

starchild

hi op

i can see the strength of your feelings about this & i do sympathise with the predicament you find yourself in. However i genuinely feel that it is you that perhaps needs to change or bend your rules slightly

If you truly love your girlfriend you would never want to restrict her in any way, why should she not text someone & ask how they are. You wish her to live within the boundary's that you set, that is controlling & damaging to any relationship. If the bond between you both is genuine & true then she could be in touch regularly with a thousand men and it would make no difference, she would always be faithful to you

She lied to you about being the one to make contact. Ask yourself why.. I know you say you would have been fine about it but to be honest i doubt you would have. You may not have exploded but i am pretty certain you would more than likely keep dwelling on it to both your detriment.

You say you live your life in a certain way, what part of this belief system allowed you to betray her trust and search her phone, i know you were proved right in what you believe but in terms of being honest & open with each other you let her down. If you had found nothing incriminating would you have put it down and said nothing or would you have said "listen i went through your phone but..." I think more than likely the former

you really come across as a decent bloke but like others have said here you have control issues. Control issues by their nature are hard to define, i would urge you to not supress them but rather to try figure out why they exist & in terms of your relationship with this girl i think you should trust her even at the risk of you getting your heart broken some day.

Trusting & loving someone will win out over controlling someone any day

hope it all works out well for you

Wagon

BumbleB wrote: »

I had a friend who was seeing this stunning girl there a while ago .One time at (bandcamp) a party this guy was all over her and they were talking and laughing and she was responding . We were across the room and He didn't seem to care less so I said to him how come you aren't doing anything about it.He just turned and said " well ,she's coming home with me tonight" and went up to get another round.

Live the delusion eh?

asdasd

Live the delusion eh?

I dont normally come into PI, and I can see why.

There was one very sensible comment here. Attractive girls have hangers on. And they like it. However that does not mean they cheat. At parties people mix. Someone will talk to your stunning girlfriend, and unless you lock her in the closet upon entering the house, or unless she is incapable of laughter she is probably going to get drunk and laugh at someone's elses jokes. The cheek of her.

So you either put up with that - and whats to "put up with" since I circulate at parties too, as does my GF - or you lay down rules where she is forced to cling to you all night, or is not "allowed" to talk to strangers, or cant "flirt" however defined ( often defined by control freaks to mean "talk to the opposite sex").

Do that with the modern woman and you are out the door, and rightly so.

Wagon

asdasd wrote: »

I dont normally come into PI, and I can see why.

There was one very sensible comment here. Attractive girls have hangers on. And they like it. However that does not mean they cheat. At parties people mix. Someone will talk to your stunning girlfriend, and unless you lock her in the closet upon entering the house, or unless she is incapable of laughter she is probably going to get drunk and laugh at someone's elses jokes. The cheek of her.

So you either put up with that - and whats to "put up with" since I circulate at parties too, as does my GF - or you lay down rules where she is forced to cling to you all night, or is not "allowed" to talk to strangers, or cant "flirt" however defined ( often defined by control freaks to mean "talk to the opposite sex").

Do that with the modern woman and you are out the door, and rightly so.

Did you read that lad's post at all?

Of course women are free to talk to whatever they want. And they do have hangers on. My own missus does as well, doesn't bother me in the slightest. I think the OP's problem is that his girlfriend instigated contact with this lad and after she reckoned he still has feelings for her. Why would she do that?

asdasd

Did you read that lad's post at all?

in that quote I was responding to Wagon's reply to Bumble Bees story about his friend being nonchalent about his stunning GF being hit upon at parties.

I think the OP is controlling for what it is worth. Seriously, people dont own people. She gets to text whom she wants, and worrying about that will end things. Not worrying about it is the safer option.

SarahSassy

Oops wrong post

SS