Lost as to how to help him..

MonicaBing

Hi everyone, i'd appreciate some advice on how to help my 14 year old son straighten himself out.

To cut a very long story short, his dad and i seperated when he was 2 due to violence, alcohol/drug abuse(his). He saw his dad sporadically over the years and about 4 yrs back he proved to me, he had been to rehab and was on a more positive road. So i allowed him access to my son and they seemed to bond really well. Fast forward to Sept '07, when my soon started first yr. He had been somewhat troublesome in primary school and was diagnosed with ADHD (pile of ****e as far as im concerned, its a wrong diagnosis) and Dyslexia with both letters and Numbers.

So he was getting all necesary help with Dyslexia, stopped doing Irish, had extra Math and English to help more.

When he started Secondary school he seemed to back peddle big time, in school, he'd be lippy, swear @ teachers, fight with students, and at home he was lippy, spoke to me like i was ****e on his shoe, refused to do homework and beat up his younger bro(9) so bad he broke his front tooth. I approached his dad and asked him to step up to the plate so to speak and to take him on during school week ( he'd come home to me at w/ends) to see if maybe being around his dad would help him sort his head out.

So he goes and its ok no major improvements but i'd say there was more smiles in my house than swearing. Then Christmas just gone, he came home drunk, minus his fone and Christmas money. He''s been grounded under house arrest since. Ive removed him from his dad back to home as he wasn't telling me the whole story about life in his dad's. He had no patience with my son, hit him, smoked and drank in front of him and degraded him in front of his friend's.

He goes back to school after christmas and things only got worse, i had the school ring me the first week back 8 times to complain about him. Now the school imo have been fantastic with him, patient, organising extra help etc.

So fast forward to this week where he's on his 2nd suspension in 3 weeks (the 2 suspensions include smoking, abusing teachers, fighting and now theft) and now the school dont know if they'll take him back.

My heart is broke as i don't know what to do.

Ive tried incentives and praise when good, when bad i've removed his bedroom door and all furniture electrical etc except bed. He gets hugged and told he's loved and ive always been honest with him about whats going to happen to him, does anyone have any idea's??

ps.. im waiting for him to be called to see a counsellor

sorry for the epic above but im broken with worry for him..

luckat

Being with his father seems to help him, yes?

Counselling will probably help, but can you bring his dad in to help too?

I really feel for you. Teen times are tough times. But you'll get through it, the two of you.

MonicaBing

luckat wrote: »

Being with his father seems to help him, yes?

Counselling will probably help, but can you bring his dad in to help too?

I really feel for you. Teen times are tough times. But you'll get through it, the two of you.

No sorry i just typed as i thought so maybe i didnt make myself clear enough...it got worse when he was with his dad, as his dad wasnt in healthy frame of mind to look after teenager. He drank, smoked pot, etc in front of my son and he now thinks he can do it in my home. The hell he can!
I'll allow him alcohol at christmas etc but smoking? No way.

Have been waiting since Dec to hear back about Psych evaluation.

luckat

Mm. He's acting out. He's an adolescent.

Counselling will help; if you can, go too and talk to the counsellors - not as a spy, but because they'll be able to tell you good methods to work with him.

It's hard to be a young man. And it's especially hard with a single mother.

Best thing you can do is *not panic*. Remain tranquil, my dear. I have seen teenagers go through these angry, tough, rebellious times, and come out well; one I know is now a responsible adult, kind and sweet; another is a lovely young matron who's bringing up her own three children and studying and working while she does it.

It's scary for you in there in the maelstrom, but here's a signal from the calm place outside - it's ok out here, and you're surrounded by a sweet silence, in there where the trouble is.


ps - Even if his dad smokes pot and acts like a gobshíte, maybe he can be a good father?
pps - What about ringing up and pleading politely for that evaluation, and especially getting the school to do so too?

Fad

Guy in my year, when he was 14, he was suspended 8 times for varying degrees of asshattery, towards the end he was just insane, got put on meds(ADHD), and now while he messes a bit, is a seriously nice guy.

I dont know you or your son, so I cant say if the diagnosis is correct, but I see quite a few paralells in the two stories. Maybe he does have ADHD and maybe meds are the way, keep it in mind.

MonicaBing

I thought so too (about his dad) but i've as recent as y/day heard from a reputable reliable source that he left my son on his own, didn't give him lunch for school, owes the bus driver money for school bus that i was giving to him to pay for, beat up my son, quizzed him almost to the point of persecution about me and my private life etc etc.. i'm to blame as i thought i was doing the right thing for him. He didn't tell me because i felt it better, if he told his dad nothing about our private home life and he didn't tell me about his dad's life.

The one quality his dad kept from his substance abuse days is paranoia so that's why i applied the above rule.

MonicaBing

Fad wrote: »

Guy in my year, when he was 14, he was suspended 8 times for varying degrees of asshattery, towards the end he was just insane, got put on meds(ADHD), and now while he messes a bit, is a seriously nice guy.

I dont know you or your son, so I cant say if the diagnosis is correct, but I see quite a few paralells in the two stories. Maybe he does have ADHD and maybe meds are the way, keep it in mind.

Maybe but i've paid for 2 professionals since original diagnosis and they agree with me, he was put on Ritalin originally and it knocked the life and spirit out of him not too mention the bad behaviour, so i was advised to take him off it and have him on Omega 3 fish acids since.

He does have the most amazing moments where we have a laugh and can talk about pretty much anything, im quite a liberal thinking mum and try to encourage my kids to think outside of the box, so we can have pretty inciteful chats but then ''boom'', he'll get in a mood and were back to sq 1..

luckat

Point taken. Poor you, and poor kid - things must be very confusing for him; loyalties, resentments, grief, self-blame, anger. Tough times. But things will be better.

The first good thing that will happen is that he will go crazy for some skill - music, art, photography, metalwork, car mechanics, mediaeval history, something. He'll spend all his time immersed in it. Don't fight it, that's his path to steadiness.

MonicaBing wrote: »

I thought so too (about his dad) but (snip)

seanybiker

ring up the cop station and see if you can get a cop to call around sometime to tell him what will happen to him if he dont cop on.
When me father was a cop, it was mad the amount of people used to ring up and ask him to call to them to chat with son or daughter

MonicaBing

seanybiker wrote: »

ring up the cop station and see if you can get a cop to call around sometime to tell him what will happen to him if he dont cop on.
When me father was a cop, it was mad the amount of people used to ring up and ask him to call to them to chat with son or daughter

Hey Seanie thanks for the comment but yah ive done that the day after he came home drunk, and im still waiting for the guarda to call...!

luckat

Heh, call on Seanie's dad - he sounds the right type of Garda.

Mad as it sounds, this can actually be a good thing for kids; it shows them that other people in their community care about them too. And a fatherly Garda saying "Son, there's a better way" may be a help.

By the same token, MonicaBing, do you have any brothers or uncles or father/s or anything who could step up and provide a steady male presence and example? (Off to leepie now, will reconnect a.m.)

MonicaBing

Lol! maybe!:D

Overheal

I'm sorry OP that must be a right clusterfcuk to deal with.

After my parents divorced I acted out in school and I saw a psych a few times. They put me on ADs which helped for a while but without the counseling to back it up it solved nothing once the prescription ran out. So the end result of that is I still have no opinion on what was going on with me during those couple years and nothing really changed

Psych is a must, but meds will only cure the symptoms, not the disease/illness. I know its no fun to think of your son that way, but if they need help, they need help. See a psych, then see a counselor regularly. Being ripped between two parents, I assure you, is a sh!t-ton of stress to put on a kid.

Hard situation with the father. On one hand, he can't be influencing your son like that, but on the other hand your Son needs a father figure. I would involve a police officer or a Social Care Worker.

seanybiker

MonicaBing wrote: »

Hey Seanie thanks for the comment but yah ive done that the day after he came home drunk, and im still waiting for the guarda to call...!

ah crap thats a balls. Hmmm. Keep on ringing em. Then when they come to arrest you for making nuisance calls they might speak with son lol.

MonicaBing

Overheal wrote: »

I'm sorry OP that must be a right clusterfcuk to deal with.

After my parents divorced I acted out in school and I saw a psych a few times. They put me on ADs which helped for a while but without the counseling to back it up it solved nothing once the prescription ran out. So the end result of that is I still have no opinion on what was going on with me during those couple years and nothing really changed

Psych is a must, but meds will only cure the symptoms, not the disease/illness. I know its no fun to think of your son that way, but if they need help, they need help. See a psych, then see a counselor regularly. Being ripped between two parents, I assure you, is a sh!t-ton of stress to put on a kid.

Hard situation with the father. On one hand, he can't be influencing your son like that, but on the other hand your Son needs a father figure. I would involve a police officer or a Social Care Worker.

I agree so im gonna haunt the health board till i get app.
Re the father figure, my partner works in Oz for 6 months of the year and has sat down with my son, on his level and spoken to him. Imo i thought he was great as he's the youngest of a few boys in his family so he felt more able to try and figure my kid out, he's told him to call, text, email, skype any time he has summat he cant talk to me or anyone else about and that it would be in confidence unless my son wants otherwise.

Its not the most ideal of situations but its the only one i have!
My older brother wants to hammer my kid and that is not acceptable to me under no circumstances.

Im actually gonna pop into garda station in morn and try this again.

Guys thanks ever so much for all the positive feedback, will let you know how things pan out here