Playground Football Rules(those were the days)

Dub13

The memories...

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or “bottle” of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom.

In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as “poofs”, through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as “chancers”, and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as “bampots”.

This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate.

This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).

Parameters

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area.

It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went “over the post” and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched
sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.

The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the “best fighter”; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings – to roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet.

The goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.

In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards or “a big dug”, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away.

It is often observed that the playing area is “no’ a full-size pitch”. This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is the formal response to “yards”, which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The Ball

There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I shall describe the most popular:

The rough-finish Mitre or Trophy 5. Half football, half Portuguese Man o’ War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won’t even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.

Offside

There is no offside, for two reasons: one, “it’s not’ a full-size pitch”, and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as “poachers”, “gloryhunters” and “fly wee bastarts”. These players display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates’ failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.

Adjudication

The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted ways of doing this. 1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into “a pure skoosh”. For example, in the event of a dispute as towhether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or “over” the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: “Penalty or goal.” It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.

Team Selection

To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don’t have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players’ ability, there is also a sliding scale of players’ brutality and propensities towards motiveless violence. A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he’d “rather have him inside the tent ****ing out, than outside the tent ****ing in”. Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be “his gemme”, and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked late and withdraws his favours. Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up the other end.

Tactics

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as “Cattenaccio”, the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as “Nomadic”. All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.


Stoppages

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of “no Post-Mortem, no free-kick”, and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall.

The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: “Ye canny make me”; or B: “It’s no’ ma baw anyway”.

2. Stray dog on pitch.

An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.

3. Bigger boys steal ball.

A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players’ experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players’ older brother is “Mad Chic Murphy” or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

4. Celebration.

Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it was lucky/crap/took a deflection.


Penalties

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.

Dave!

Quality

Playing with a tennis ball was always great craic! Except when you miss it and kick the ground and break your ankle

_blank_

Stick or fly?

Last man back? Ah jaysis

SectionF

Brilliant!:D

ctrl-alt-delete

Des wrote: »

Stick or fly?

Last man back? Ah jaysis

the last man back rule, used to cause mayhem for us....

arguements over whether the last man was the player nearest the goal, or the player nearest the goal line, i.e. staight line offside rule kinda way.

Used to love playing with a tennis ball, nightmare when we only had one and it went on the roof though!

Mitch Connor

Used to play footie on the basket ball court - shots off the pole were goals. Nothing more satisfying than hitting one from halfway and hearing that "PING".

_blank_

...and the feckin game would be ruined when the two brothers on the same team were called in for their tea.

"Can one-a yiz not go first, then the other one?"

PiE

Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as “Cattenaccio”, the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as “Nomadic”.

Excellent.

DeadSkin

Ah yes, jumpers for goalposts.
The 'Penalty or nothin' rule when it was a tough call, to call a goal, when the ball brushed over a jumper goalpost.

Oh and the "I'm Kenny Dalglish", "No, fu*k you, I called Kenny first".

_blank_

Dub13 wrote: »

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height,

Ah hang on, no way.

Head height?

Get a grip.

It's if the ball goes over the height of the keeper's upstretched arm.

If he's diving backwards, and it goes over his arm, it's a goal.

Mitch Connor

Or the ball owner having to go home, or getting annoyed and threatening to go home.

Dave!

FREE KICKS ALL 'ROUND !!!! PENOS ALL 'ROUND!!!!

stovelid

Des wrote: »

Stick or fly?

Last man back? Ah jaysis

Lol, we still say that at five-a-side when we're a man short. And still argue over it.

We used to play with a lad when we were kids that got called in for his tea during a game, and came back out with a plastic bag containing his burger and chips.

PiE

There's always that one kid who, no matter where on the pitch he was... always "canted" the ball over the nearest 20ft wall/roof. Isn't that right Pjilip?

Also: "windcatchers" - for when there's absolutely nothing else to use.

Dub13

Remember when you would be playing for hours and hammering the other team,all of a sudden whoever owned the ball had to go for his 'dinner' or to 'babysit',then somebody would call out 'next,goal is the winner...'.A frantic few min would follow and nobody would pass the ball as everybody wanted to score the winner.

RasTa

We played football with a tennis ball for some reason back in Primary School. I still have no idea why noone brought in a proper football. Seemed normal, although whenever someone kicked the ball over the wall they got the living crap beat outta them.

Ahhh good times.

_blank_

RasTa wrote: »

We played football with a tennis ball for some reason back in Primary School. I still have no idea why noone brought in a proper football. Seemed normal, although whenever someone kicked the ball over the wall they got the living crap beat outta them.

Ahhh good times.

In 4th Class our teacher would only let us play football with a tennis ball.

"Control's the name of the game"

Let's see if anyone went to the same school as me, they'll recognise that line.

whatawaster

Nothing, and i mean nothing beat the free for all that was a game of "World Cup".

therecklessone

Two rules outside of school back in the day:

1. Kicks it gets it.
2. No playing fox X minutes, you played until Neighbours.

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therecklessone wrote: »

Two rules outside of school back in the day:

1. Kicks it gets it.
2. No playing fox X minutes, you played until Neighbours.

Don't forget "makers takers" on penos.

Mitch Connor

used to love playing 'Wall Ball' too - big alcove round the back of my old school. Call a name before you hit it, can only bounce twice after it hits the wall. Damn school banned us playing that too. Jerks.

Dave!

Mitch Connor wrote: »

used to love playing 'Wall Ball' too - big alcove round the back of my old school. Call a name before you hit it, can only bounce twice after it hits the wall. Damn school banned us playing that too. Jerks.

Yeah that was good, we used to call it Names

Actually our only rule was that you can only kick it once, it can bounce all it wants.

This usually meant that you'd boot it off the wall and it would end up down the other end of the yard (pfft, "playground") and some poor c*nt would have to try hit the wall from there Oh the fun

Bounty Hunter

remember no big toe-ing it, hatching or DIY'ing people

whatawaster

Bounty Hunter wrote: »

remember no big toe-ing it, hatching or DIY'ing people

why anyone ever big-toed it is beyond me. The pain!

_blank_

A-ha.

Other football based games.

And we're into the "Squares" category.

We had two "squares" type games

1. Squares

You'd need at least 4 people, but could be anything above that, an even number is better.

Each person takes a "square" on the road, as de-lineated by the tar.

Proceed to kick, or head, it into someone else's square. It was allowed to bounce once only, and you had to get it into another square. If it went on the path, or outside the playing area, you lost a life.

You had three lives, when all three were lost, there was a free for all on you, where everyone got free digs in, kicks and whatever else.

2. A-B-C

You'd need at least 4 people, but could be anything above that, an even number is better.

Each person takes a "square" on the road, as de-lineated by the tar. Each square was given a letter

a-b
c-d
e-f
g-h
and so on

The person in the last lettered square had three lives, if they lost all three there was a free for all on them, where everyone got free digs in, kicks and whatever else.

To progress "up" the squares, you had to get someone out.

Say if "F" kicked or headed the ball into "D" and "D" didn't get to it before a second bounce, or it bounced out of the square without them touching it, then "D" would move to "F", "E" moves to "D" and "F" moves to "E".

If you got "A" out, then everyone moved up a square, and A went to the last square.

stovelid

whatawaster wrote: »

Nothing, and i mean nothing beat the free for all that was a game of "World Cup".

:cool:

3 goals got you out of each round. Worst scraps were when only two players were left in the round as you knew if you bombed out, you wouldn't be able to play until the final was over.

Best country to be was the likes of Brazil or Argentina. Goal celebrations had to accompanied with airplane-type celebration and maraaadooooona! or burrachaaaggaaaa! Or you could South Americanize your own name by adding an -onna, -ico or -ez.

_blank_

Bounty Hunter wrote: »

remember no big toe-ing it, hatching or DIY'ing people

I used to hate DIY's.

bastards.

therecklessone

Bounty Hunter wrote: »

remember no big toe-ing it

We settled that with rule #1 above.

_blank_

the "no blemmers" rule.

If you were through on goal, clear through, you had rounded the keeper a fair distance out, and were just jogging toward the goal, you weren't allowed to blem the ball a half a mile down the field.

If you did that, the goal didn't count.

Dub13

I used to love Squares,don't think the kids these days would be able to play it with all the cars on the roads.

Some of the posters on here (you no the howth ones) could have played a big game of Squares in there drive way.

gimmick

Big toeing, or "toesies" were illegal in our park. If you "toesied" it and scored a goal, the goal was disallowed.

May God help you if you "banished" the ball. I always loved that. 7 year old talking about banishment rather than losing it. Such serverity.

Taking turns to go into the unpleasent Mrs O Regans to retrieve the ball. When it was your turn, by law, you had to try and convince one of your comrades that "she", in fact" "loves you", and actually "hates me biyy". Sometimes it worked, others nay.

The shouting as loud as possible of "NO GAAAMMMESSSS" if the local fat kid, or kid you don't like was approaching. Or telling him he can play in the next game when this one is finished. However, this game was up to 100 and you had to win by 2. The latter rule was put in to make sure that "Chubby" could never join in and ruin it for you.

mirwillbeback

Strangely enough, we had this thing called " having a baby " when we played on the streets of Sallynoggin. Remember the really small gates? Well we'd play with them being the nets, and sometimes you'd have a keeper which made it nigh on impossible to score. So, the technique was one player would get as close to the goal as possible, trap the ball underfoot right against the hedge, and we'd all pile in and push as hard ( hence the name ) as possible like a reverse tug of war.
Great ****ing days.

mirwillbeback

whatawaster wrote: »

Nothing, and i mean nothing beat the free for all that was a game of "World Cup".

and the keeper always got blamed when someone went out

gimmick

"you left it in for him.......claim ya"

ditpoker

cup champions plastic football to the ear on a cold december morning... you could die from such an injury... DIE!!!!

whatawaster

the white Derby balls were by far and away the best. Great on any surface, didn't hurt your hands or your head, and were heavy enough for windy conditions.

ctrl-alt-delete

ditpoker wrote: »

cup champions plastic football to the ear on a cold december morning... you could die from such an injury... DIE!!!!

Nothing worse!


Anyone ever play 20 points? great game to pass a summers day

Carroller16

Des wrote: »

Stick or fly?

Last man back? Ah jaysis

To which I raise you


2 and yer out

eagle eye

How does a post get post of the day, thats probably the best post I've read in boards ever.

Kudos Dub13, very funny and brings back memories great years long gone. Great, great post.

Carroller16

eagle eye wrote: »

How does a post get post of the day, thats probably the best post I've read in boards ever.

Kudos Dub13, very funny and brings back memories great years long gone. Great, great post.

AGREE AGREE AGREE

Mitch Connor

eagle eye wrote: »

How does a post get post of the day, thats probably the best post I've read in boards ever.

Kudos Dub13, very funny and brings back memories great years long gone. Great, great post.

its to do with the amount of thanks it get i think

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Mitch Connor wrote: »

its to do with the amount of thanks it get i think

Yep, the amount of thanks.

Carroller16

God help ya if you were a selfer

therecklessone

Mitch Connor wrote: »

its to do with the amount of thanks it get i think

Nah, it's random selection. Today's post of the day has no thanks for example.

Mitch Connor

therecklessone wrote: »

Nah, it's random selection. Today's post of the day has no thanks for example.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=59163532&postcount=1

One of us has a sight problem....

Carroller16

therecklessone wrote: »

Nah, it's random selection. Today's post of the day has no thanks for example.

it does it's thanked 34 times

Headshot

remember playing world cup

everybody against each other and you score to get in the next round

I was always goal poching,let everybody else do the hard work and then ill finish the job:D

_blank_

tro may be talking about Thread of The Day.

A schoolboy error on his part. :pac:

Tristram

Written by a Scot?

score didnt matter so much. the game was a chance to put ppl u didnt like and proceed to kick the lard out of them for as long as you could.

Carroller16

Tristram wrote: »

Written by a Scot?

score didnt matter so much. the game was a chance to put ppl u didnt like and proceed to kick the lard out of them for as long as you could.

I'd disagree with that... score mattered a lot to us 90's kids

therecklessone

Des wrote: »

tro may be talking about Thread of The Day.

A schoolboy error on his part. :pac:

Move along now, nothing to see here...:o