Laid Back Boyfriend

LegacyUser

I'm seeing a guy a few months, and he is the most laid back bloke. From the very beginning he wasnt much of a texter, would be replying hours later or next day. As I've got to know him he is like this with friends too. It's started to bother me a bit, as it would be nice if he was excited about any contact with his new lady. He is very sweet/affectionate in person. i just think he cant be bothered to text back.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this. I think its rude and shows a bit of laziness...and am taking it a bit personal..

Stheno

Do you know him well enough/feel comfortable enough to ask him about his past relationships?

If he was in a very controlling relationship, he may just be taking things at his own pace? Or he could simply have a very very busy life, I work about 60 hours a week, and could go hours without replying to a text from my partner simply because I'm up to my eyes in work.

You say he's nice and affectionate in person, how nice and affectionate?

Also have you brought this up with him?

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm seeing a guy a few months, and he is the most laid back bloke.

An exceptionally attractive quality.

From the very beginning he wasnt much of a texter, would be replying hours later or next day. As I've got to know him he is like this with friends too.

So now you know it's not you, therefore stop feeling it is.

It's started to bother me a bit, as it would be nice if he was excited about any contact with his new lady.

Maybe he's just not an excitable kind of guy?

He is very sweet/affectionate in person.

Laidback, sweet and affectionate - seems like a keeper.

i just think he cant be bothered to text back...I think its rude and shows a bit of laziness...and am taking it a bit personal..

But as you said, he's like that with his friends so it's just the kind of guy he is. Why are you trying to find things wrong when there's so much that's right? Focus on the positive. Don't expect him to be someone he's not - he's a laidback guy, the only way he'd be all excited is through force... and that would be fake excitement.

star-pants

I have a friend who's dreadful at getting back to me or anyone, actually I have two!
She always puts her phone down n wanders off, or leaves it on silent in her room and can't find it. I've been replied to the next day or i'll call two days later and ask if she ever got my text and she'll be like 'omg i'm so sorry i forgot'. She's like that with everyone, including boyfriends - she's just not that attached to her phone. Some people live with them in their pockets and other's just aren't that bothered. Not about the people or the contact, but just about the phones. Some people find them impersonal.
If he's very affectionate in person and around you, and is bad at texting everyone, then it's not really out of rudeness, but just who he is.

hussey

Jees, get over yourself

it's a bloody mobile .. surely what matter is attention in real life rather than some text message relationship.

You've found a "very sweet/affectionate" guy and your finding fault cause he doesn't use a mobile phone to answer your 160 character message ....

Read some of the real problems with relationships on this forum ....

Stheno

star-pants wrote: »

I have a friend who's dreadful at getting back to me or anyone, actually I have two!
She always puts her phone down n wanders off, or leaves it on silent in her room and can't find it. I've been replied to the next day or i'll call two days later and ask if she ever got my text and she'll be like 'omg i'm so sorry i forgot'. She's like that with everyone, including boyfriends - she's just not that attached to her phone. Some people live with them in their pockets and other's just aren't that bothered. Not about the people or the contact, but just about the phones. Some people find them impersonal.
If he's very affectionate in person and around you, and is bad at texting everyone, then it's not really out of rudeness, but just who he is.

Jeez, you've described me, my mobile is a work phone, and evenings/weekends, I regularly put it on silent and check it every so often, or forget it's around.

Happened a few times to me that friends/partner/family were trying to get in touch but the phone was on silent/battery dead etc.

There's another explanation OP

LegacyUser

You are all right, I probably have way too much time on my hands!
I think I am being over sensitive, I think that is just him, chilled out. I am not unlike that myself, but I am reading way too much into it. i wondered just what the whole protocol was. I just find his answers short n to the point.And i suppose he probs just not a techie type guy and just uses it to get a message across and only that.
thanks for replies.

LegacyUser

nouggatti wrote: »

Do you know him well enough/feel comfortable enough to ask him about his past relationships?

He hasn't had any previous relationships, and I presume this is new to him.

I've joked about him bein a crap texter...he took the hint and jokes back a bit.

Nevyn

So he is not texter, not everyone is, some people are not attached to thier phone.

Stheno

Unregistered wrote: »

I just find his answers short n to the point.And i suppose he probs just not a techie type guy and just uses it to get a message across and only that.
thanks for replies.

I work in IT and would be considered a techie.

Lots of techies see mobiles etc as a work tool/piece of technology and that's it.

Sounds like you've a lovely bloke there, why not try calling him every once in a while? Imo it's much nicer to chat than text

humbert

I find that really irritating too. Even when I know it's not personal. Maybe you'd be better off ringing him more often than texting him.

bnagrrl

When I get in from work I leave my phone on silent charging in my room. I rarely look at it and often go hours without texting people back. Family, friends and fiance included. Try not to take it personally, you know he's like this with his friends too, some people just aren't that attached to their mobiles.

LegacyUser

How do you stay in touch apart from texting?

Dated a guy who sounds very similar recently. I brought it up, and he said that's just how he was, but that it wasn't personal... dunno, it didn't work for me anyway, he was lovely whenever we met, like your guy, sweet and affectionate, but would then disappear for days, wrecked my head.

Kirnsy

just tell him that you'd prefer him to text back quicker.

but if he's like this with all his friends too maybe just thats the way he is. and if you dont like it then you can't do much about it really.

he may just not show his feelings very well?

LegacyUser

he might be playing it kinda cool.... not wanting to appear too eager by texting back straight away... i.e. delaying the replies a bit to keep you interested....to keep you on your toes... and to keep YOU excited and keen on him!!!

LeixlipRed

Some people put way too much weighting on contact through texting. It can be a good tool in the flirting stage but once it gets any serious I tend to step back from constant texting as it's extremely impersonal. You end up having two ideas of a person in your head almost. The one you text and the real person. Bin the texting and ring him!

LegacyUser

most guys are nt into texting as much as the average female is imo.

guys texts tend to be short and to the point in general unless they are making a HUGE effort about something otherwise short and to the point texts are more in their nature.

maybe the delay is a genuine delay or he could be playing games keeping you waiting for a reply etc to keep you interested... or maybe he is genuinely absorbing whatever you texted him and thinking about you etc before he replies! or else he does not live by his phone and only checks it every now and then for messages etc

Agent Smith

nouggatti wrote: »

I work in IT and would be considered a techie.

Lots of techies see mobiles etc as a work tool/piece of technology and that's it.

i'm simular. Often i'd Leave my phone upstairs, or Forget to charge it. Doesnt mean i Dont was to speak to people, But when you in my line of work (IT Support) you generally Need to Detach once in a while


You'd Be surprised how many techies despise pc's/Technology sometimes!

Wagon

Not everyone likes to text. I hate it and avoid it as much as possible. I prefer to actually ring up and talk, or meet up in person.

Agent Smith wrote: »

You'd Be surprised how many techies despise pc's/Technology sometimes!

You're not wrong. Some buttons stopped working on my phone about 2 weeks ago so I smashed it to pieces and got a new one :P I've always wanted to do something like that ever since we'd seen those video's of people smashing up iPhones, Playstation 3s and PSP etc... Give it a go, it's really really invigorating!

Nitxteha

don't give excuses for why he may not reply or reply late...He may be busy or he may not be as excited as you are about the relationship.

If you are only going out for a few months I'd try to not to get too involved until I knew him better. Maybe he's busy texting someone else too...

tbh

I think if you want to be with him, you need to change your expectations. It sounds to me like you're asking how to change him tho. Not good, op.

ManOfMystery

My girlfriend doesn't reply for hours to me or anyone else as she's not a texter either. People who aren't texters don't see it as an instant 2-way communication thing, and those don't drop everything to reply like the rest of us do.

It doesn't mean a thing really, me and her have a great relationship and can chat on the phone for ages - don't take it personally.

Dudess

Nitxteha wrote: »

don't give excuses for why he may not reply or reply late...He may be busy or he may not be as excited as you are about the relationship.

If you are only going out for a few months I'd try to not to get too involved until I knew him better. Maybe he's busy texting someone else too...

Ah that's a bit much of the old reading into things.

_blank_

I know a girl who is obsessed with her phone.

Can't go for a drink with her any more because she constantly clicking away on the thing, downright rude. And I told her once, if we are going to the pub, leave the phone in the bag.

She didn't, so fúck her.

She'll text me at least once a day, and if I don't reply within about ten minutes, there'll be another text, then she'll log into google talk and hassle me there.

What do I do?

Ignore the silly bint until I actually feel like replying.

I hate text-obsessed people, and I'll often not reply to messages for days, or ever. If something is really THAT important, the person can ring me. And even then, I might not answer.

I hate being in 24-hour contact with the world.

I like my "me time" to do stuff either with my gf, watch some football, whatever.

skywards

Unregistered wrote: »

You are all right, I probably have way too much time on my hands!
I think I am being over sensitive, I think that is just him, chilled out. I am not unlike that myself, but I am reading way too much into it. i wondered just what the whole protocol was. I just find his answers short n to the point.And i suppose he probs just not a techie type guy and just uses it to get a message across and only that.
thanks for replies.

Not every person is a texting whiz! I will freely admit I suck at it. Therefor my poor brother (who can text faster than I can type) is stuck with crappy responses when he's too lazy to just call me.

michael_23

I hate texting and my friends can confirm this. It often causes friction as people take a delayed reply personally.

It especially causes issues with the ladies, i dont think they like it much as a trait..... to the point where one x got me a phone with a qwerty keyboard in the hope that my reply time would be reduced. I just dont like texting, its as simple as that. I really wouldnt read too deeply into the delayed txting response. Quick phone call or just meet up is better.

dreamlogic

It's fairly easy to get caught up in overrelying on texting to communicate.
I never used to be very attached to my phone myself, it would stay in my bag on silent and I would check it whenever it occurred to me.
My ex boyf on the other hand is very attached to his and when our relationship was going well he would text often and if I texted him he would almost always reply immediately and would get a conversation going.
It seemed kinda sweet that I was getting so many texts from him and it made me feel special and all that. But really it is a shallow, impersonal way of communicating.. I don't mean always. But often.. it can end up being something to hide behind. You don't have to look the person in the eye or hear how they are saying something to know if it's real or not..
Later when things between us began to deteriorate he would tell me that he had left his phone upstairs all day, stuff like that.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt in the beginning but when it became a pattern then I knew he was playing games/being inconsiderate etc.
OP Your boyfriend is relatively new in your life. And it's not as if he has gone from texts to no texts during that time. As others have pointed out, he probably doesn't keep it with him much and prefers to not be distracted when he is doing other things. Not even as a conscious decision. But just that it's not a priority for him to be constantly plugged into technology. It does not at all mean that you're not important to him and it would be a mistake for you to think that.
As I've implied with what I just said about my own ex, he texted a lot. But in the end it didn't amount to a good relationship.

Overheal

Not everybody is hooked into VR Goggles or Plugged into twitter/facebook/bebo/myspace all day every day. Similarly, I fcuking hat Instant Messaging. Its not my cup of tea, being in the middle of something else and suddenly have your attention pulled away by *pop* Hey how ru? nmu? nm kk ha ha.

Its all the same. I prefer to have something to say first instead of "oh hey we are online at the same time. How cool is that?!" And the same theory applies with Texts. Again, "hey what are you doing. Ok cool I am doing this." I hate all the pressure/notion that you have to reply back or someone will think you are dead. I look for a little peace and quiet and like to reply when I have something worthwhile to say. I havent had a mobile/cell in months and I must say it feels very liberating.

And like Dudess said, its a good indicator that he isn't excitable, and won't jump when anybody says "Hey you want to go do this?" Which when you think about it, means he probably has a bit more forethought than the average person, and won't just dive into silly situations on the spur of the moment. Like, cheating? Probably not a cheater. Too laid back to cheat, he's not looking for the Edge and Excitement of a saucy affair. He'll think twice, or even thrice, before listening when a random girl with enourmous tits says come down to my place and I'll give you a ride.

dreamlogic

Overheal wrote: »

I hate all the pressure/notion that you have to reply back or someone will think you are dead.

LOL I hear ya. My ex sent me texts sometimes saying "u ok, are u alive?" if it happened that I didn't text him within 24 hours.

Whiskey Devil

Mobile phones can be a pain in the arse. Sometimes you just want some time to yourself and don't want the hassle of replying to texts all day long. My girlfriend doesn't mind so it's ok. txt spk is also a big NO NO! :pac:

Tails142

Have to say I absolutely hate texting, and I dont really like talking on the phone either too much because mobiles make my head real warm.

I like talking to people face to face though

LegacyUser

Personally I think its plain rude not to text back.. I have a friend who is like that I would text her asking her something important and the quickest I would get a response is 2 hours, i think its just pure ignorance to be honest.

Also had an ex who was like that he used to say "What's the point in texting" and when he would it would be very short and to the point, he said that texting should only be to confirm a meeting or something and would never ever just text to chat, boggles my mind to be honest. I'm not attached to my phone or anything but if someone texts me I'll have the manners to reply to them.

Whiskey Devil

If it's important why don't you just call them instead?

cocoa

dreamlogic wrote: »

LOL I hear ya. My ex sent me texts sometimes saying "u ok, are u alive?" if it happened that I didn't text him within 24 hours.

lol, that's nothing. Someone passed me on the road once, texted, got no reply because I hadn't brought my phone out with me, assumed I was dead, and never bothered to go back and check on me... :P

Personally I'd almost always reply to texts within 5 minutes, exceptions being times when my phone is on silent and i don't notice the vibration, and when my battery dies, both of which are rare. But, I can totally understand how other people don't treat their phone the same way I do and don't reply so quickly.

OP, sounds to me like it's just the way he is and you can try to find someone else or learn to like him for the traits you didn't expect / want as well as the ones you did. But do not try to change him, because that just won't work.

Talliesin

I thought texting as a main means of communication was for those who are laid back (or too busy with other things to communicate otherwise).

LegacyUser

Reading all the replies,thanks. I do understand that he is not a texter, he has said things to lead me to believe if he was to write something he would have to sit down and think about what he would like to say instead of it flowing easily from him. I am taking it personal, that he would receive a nice message from me, read it, and not feel that intantaneous excitement to reply to what i have said, especially if its affectionate. That bothers me a bit. Someone had said, that maybe he is not an excitable guy. I think I need a sign that he is excited about me, passionate. I think he is controlled. I understand that I cannot change him. I keep telling myself its early days and we are still getting to know each other. It would make sense that maybe he is taking it slowly. I know he hasnt had any previous relationships. It shows in other areas too, like his inexperience in the bedroom.

Overheal

^

Sounds like he's just playing it careful and trying not to fcuk things up, which is really, really easy, when you do or say the wrong thing, usually as a direct result of acting hastily or saying something without thinking.

Probability: He's so into you that he is afraid to do the wrong thing.

lg123

this guy may hate texting, i know i do.

LegacyUser

overheal: yeah i have thought of this, if it is all new. we are all capable of having that anxiety too and acting that way.

LegacyUser

Dont over analyse it. Yes no response can appear rude but may not be intended that way.

I'm not too great at replying to texts, like i could read a text and not reply cause i know its going to turn into a full blown conversation back and forth and it wrecks my head.

With my current partner he is a self employed farmer and seems to have all the time in the world to text. I'm not a busy person by any means and could text non stop all day if i wanted. I used not reply to him and he eventually said it to me thinking i wasn't in to him. At the start i didnt want to be texting seeming overkeen, i'd come out of a brutal relationship and was weary of getting "too involved". After he said it to me i took it apon myself to reply to every message. I was getting a MINIMUM of 160 texts a day! 160 at least! At 7am i'd get "morning sex" and they wouldnt stop till night when i'd get "night sexy". In between id get "what ya at" "u ok" "what you watching" "miss you" "love you" etc etc etc. I delete my texts at end of every day. Sometimes i could have 300. That was his way, we saw each other four/five times a week.

Now to get to the point. That started wrecking my heard even more than my no replies started wrecking his head. It felt to me i had very little to say or hear when we saw each other. So compromised. Now i only get about 80 texts a day!

Say it to him. Tell him how you feel. Reach a compromise. But then ya might think oh hes only responding now cause he feels he has to. There's always going to be something to worry for needlessly. Stop worrying. Just enjoy being with him when your with him. Bet you send NO text whatsoever and you'll get a text. My OH tried that one once and then i was the one saying "Hey you! You alive or what!"

polevault

Hi i have to agree with most of you people here. He was like that before he met you, so why do you have a problem with him now. You shouldnt try and change him. If you make a big deal out of it like my ex did about me being slow to reply, he will just dread every text you send him during the day because he knows that he must text back within a specified time before it is taken the wrong way. And i can prob say this in confidence that when a girl dosent get a reply within an hr or less she automatically presumes he has a problem with her. Well those of us living in the real world without the need for constant texting have grown to realise that presumption is a bad thing. My ex used to go nuts if i didnt txt back in time even though i was genuinely at a meeting etc. I remember once i was in an important meeting and answered it on the quiet, i told her i would call her when it was over and all is well with me etc, love u lots etc, she freaked and was ademant that i didnt want to talk to her and thats why i told her i would ring her back. She also used to get angry if i missed her call because i was on the phone to my bro or family. Now do you want to be that girlfriend. I have always been told by friends that i am terrible for not replying to txts and phonecalls but it is something that got worse after i broke up with my ex. She actually made me afraid of mobile phones. Sometimes i turn off my phone and dont care who is trying to ring or text for a couple of hours just so that i know nobody can disturd my free time. Thats something i never did but i know i dont need to do it any more but its habit. Maybe that guy is or was in a similar position to me and the mobile phone to him is not a very stimulating mode of communication?.

Kimia

Oh god I know how the OP feels my bf is AWFUL at texting. And I know what you mean OP when you send them something flirty or affectionate and then...nothing back. It's kinda morto you feel like a bit of an idiot!!

Well after 4 years my bf hasn't changed so don't think there's anything you can do. If he's grand when he's with you well then it shoudl be ok.

What you should do is treat him like a non-texter, and whenever you need to speak to him just call him! Act as if it's in the olden days when we had no texts.

veryangryman

hussey wrote: »

Jees, get over yourself

it's a bloody mobile .. surely what matter is attention in real life rather than some text message relationship.

You've found a "very sweet/affectionate" guy and your finding fault cause he doesn't use a mobile phone to answer your 160 character message ....

Read some of the real problems with relationships on this forum ....

+1

John Mason

i hate text messages and rarely reply to them.

just leave him alone, not everyone has their mobile phone surgically attached to their hands