What has been the most life-changing event of your life so far?

aoibhebree

When I was sixteen, my nineteen year old sister got pregnant. The father didn't - and still doesn't - want to know. Six weeks before the due date, she was knocked over at a pedestrian crossing by a drunk driver. The doctors managed to save the baby - a little girl - who somehow escaped the accident uninjured. However, my sister was left with severe permanent brain damage.

I remember going to see the baby that afternoon, when she was just a few hours old. As my sister was still in intensive care, breastfeeding was never going to be an option. The nurses showed me how to bottle-feed her, and change her nappies. Over the next few days, while my parents stayed up at my sister's bedside, I spent all my time with my new little niece.

When they were both allowed home from hospital, my niece's cot was put in my room. I took on pretty much all the responsibility of minding her, feeding her, etc. Taking care of my sister (who will now always have the mental capacity of a 2 year old) was a full time job for both my parents. As my niece got older, I continued to be pretty much a mother to her. I took it very seriously, doing plenty of research etc ... my big worry was that someday my sister would recover and be disappointed with the way her daughter was brought up.

Now, I'm 23 and my niece is almost seven. She's the bestest cleverest funniest most well-mannered girl in the world! It's only the last year or two I've finally copped on that my sister, in all practical terms, died that day of the accident and isn't coming back. Equally, it's only recently my own parents have realised that, while they've pretty much lost a daughter, they've gained a granddaughter and they are spending a lot more time and effort with her, which is great.

The reason I'd describe that as the most definitive event of my life thus far is that, literally overnight, I stopped acting like (and therefore being treated as) the bratty selfish teenager in the family, and became a mature respected member of the family. Lots of major things have happened since, but when I look back, I divide everything into "before the accident" and "after the accident". Also, it gave me a real insight into the wonderful and not-so-wonderful aspects of motherhood.

I'm just starting this thread to see what other would consider to be their own most life-changing events. I didn't know where the best place would be to post it, but it's obviously open to guys and not just ladies - mods feel free to move as appropriate! Looking forward to hearing some of your own experiences ...

sillyputty

Hi OP, I'm 25 and i have to say i honestly don't know if i could do what you did especially after the trauma of what happened to your sister, but then again you don't know what you are capable of until you are put in that kind of situation.

I have never really had a life changing moment.
I did however once have a snap out of it moment and it probably seems quite trivail compared to your situation. I was 19 and completely went off the rails - drinking every night, hanging out with the wring crowd, turning to class still drunk from the night before or skipping college altogether and fell behind in all my assignments.

I was on the verge of dropping out of college until a lecturer who noticed i had gone from getting straight A's to not handing in any work pulled me up and said she wasn't going to let me throw my education away, but i had to help myself or i was going to end up just another dropout.

Everyday from that day on i had to reprt to her office at 9am even if i didn't have class. She helped me draw up schedules to get back on track, talked to my professors to extend deadlines and checked up to see i was studying in the library when i said i was. Basically I owe her my college degree because i have no idea where i would have headed had i continued on the track i was on and she changed my life for the better.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

sillyputty wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm 25 and i have to say i honestly don't know if i could do what you did especially after the trauma of what happened to your sister, but then again you don't know what you are capable of until you are put in that kind of situation.

+1

What you have done for your niece is truly amazing, you should be proud of yourself

Chinafoot

OP, you made me cry. That post is so sad, beautiful and uplifting at the same time. Thank you for putting a lot of things into perspective for me today. You're an amazing person and I hope karma is good to you

My life changing moment is unfortunately a very negative one. I went through something when I was 15 that was quite traumatic and it was only years later that I actually acknowledged it and began to accept it. I have very poor self-esteem and major confidence issues, I find it hard to let people in and go through bouts of depression as a result. I don't make life easy for my boyfriend but he has been my rock and is the most supportive, wonderful human being I have ever met.

I try not to define myself by what happened to me but sometimes its hard not to. It's a long road I guess.

CathyMoran

OP, you sound amazing...wow.

livvy

I thing having a child did it for me......... a bit of a boring answer but an honest one.

Zippie84

OP you are amazing and I hope you are proud of yourself... you should be!

allandanyways

My dad being in and out of hospital for 3 years whilst my mam struggled with depression made me grow up alot and learn to be selfless as the oldest, but I think the biggest change I've experienced so far would have to be starting college in 2007 and realising that the people I had attached myself to for so long throughout school were arseh0les and treated me like crap. They became the reason for me being so withdrawn and down in myself throughout my school years... Two girls who claimed to be my best friends spread rumours about me, posted stuff about me on the internet, isolated me within a group and constantly told me I wasn't pretty or was too fat to ever have a boyfriend. I absorbed all this over 5 years and believed everything they said and never had the courage to make other friends because the girls would tell me that those people didn't really like me and only talked to me out of pity's sake.

Meeting new people - in a college where those girls didn't go- who knew nothing about how shy I was or what I had been like in school made it easier to become more confident and happier which led to me making a solid, honest and amazing group of friends and meeting the most amazing man in the world...It's been two years since I spoke to either of them and the difference in my personality is absolutley unreal. Sometimes it takes new friends to make you realise how awful your old "friends" can be to you.

nothing on a par to the OP's post (amazing btw) but just thought I'd share

beks101

Aoibhebree, that was a beautiful post and thanks for giving us all a bit of perspective. You're an amazing person by all accounts.

My most life-changing moment happened when I was fourteen and effectively lost my older sister to a debilitating mental illness.

I was there when she had the mental breakdown and although all the signs had been there for weeks, it was the most profoundly devastating and terrifying thing I have ever experienced in my life. I still get vivid flashbacks of her screaming, her big brown eyes round and vacant, the panicked phone calls, the ambulance siren, and sitting against the door in my bedroom, just sobbing and shaking uncontrollably, afraid to listen to what was going on downstairs but terrified not to hear.

I lost my sister and a part of myself - the innocent part, I think - that day and the years following were full of denial, anger, grief, bitterness and just unbearable pain. She never recovered, but it's funny how you learn to adapt when there's no alternative.

Having come through my own issues, which I'm pretty sure were as a result of not allowing myself to properly understand and acknowledge the pain we felt as a family, I now see my sister as the incredibly kind-hearted, selfless, loving, beautiful but deeply troubled person that she is, rather than dismissing her as a 'disease', which I did when I was younger.

And seeing everything she is missing out on makes me appreciate everything I have a little bit more.

Phew. Pretty deep for a Sunday evening!!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Creamy Goodness

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have watery eyes after reading that Aoibhebree.

When I first read the post title I was thinking about answer the question you asked, but I honestly can't now as it is severly pale in comparrison to what you have gone through.

Catari Jaguar

Aoibhebree that is one of the most amazing, sad and touching things I have ever heard. You should be so proud.

aoibhebree

Aww stop it you guys, you're making me blush! It really wasn't all that amazing at all, it was just the circumstances I was in, I can guarantee you that anyone would have done the same and would perhaps have done a better job of it!

I just started this thread because me and a few of my friends were discussing the topic last night for some reason, and for most of them it seemed to be either the first time they got their heart broken, or a death in their family. And I thought it was weird that for all of us, our most life-changing events were sad things ... well I suppose mine was very bittersweet.

Is there anyone who would maybe have something happy that happened that changed them forever? I mean, I have since met a very lovely man and we are engaged now, and that was amazing ... but it didn't really change me as a person, and I suppose the changes that it brought to my life were more gradual than those brought about by my sister's accident.

lily lou

No aoibhebree you're wrong, not everyone would have done what you did and a lot would have done it and been bitter about it, what you did was amazing and so selfless. Your Niece and Sister are so lucky to have you.

I haven't really had a big life changing event, I guess a few things that have happened to other people (sudden deaths or illness) have changed my perspective on life, made me realise that life is short and to cherish every moment, but it's easy to get caught up in things and forget this too.

Dudess

Phenomenal story Aoibhe and so beautifully told... and yes, you ARE amazing! I'm so sorry to read about the tragedy you and your family had to deal with - but it's clear ye found incredible strength to make life the best it could be, given the circumstances. Very best wishes on your upcoming marriage.

Chinafoot, that's terrible. Seems like your experience really turned your life upside down in one of the worst possible ways. I hope it gets easier. Stay strong.

allandanyways, it's brilliant that you've finally got a break after going through such tough times. You more than deserve it.

beks101, that's heartbreaking - I hope things have improved as much as they can, in terms of treatment etc, for your sis. Mental illness is utterly devastating and too often unrecognised for what it is - an illness, not "craziness" or "all in the head".

No particularly life-changing event for me... some stuff did happen all right to change my life in a gradual manner rather than a sudden one. And then the usual ups and downs. It's good to put things into perspective every once and a while though. Great thread OP!

mollybird

Aoibhe, your story truly touched me and i am sure you parents and your niece will never forget what you done for them.

like alot of the people who have written here i have not had any life changing experience that i can think of. i've had a few small things happen to me that i will cherish for the rest of my days.

the one that stands out the most was just after i finished my second year placement being emotionally exhausted from it i had to come home for a week to help my mum take care of my gran who is nearly 90. my mum was busy trying to correct exam papers so i was left with most of the work. my grandmother is a very private person and that week i spent alot of time with her. getting her up, cleaning her in the mornings, keeping her company during the day, making her dinners and putting her to bed at night.

one of the days i was showing her pics of my OH as she had never met him and she turned to me and said.. "do you believe it true love" , i said i did. she then said to me " i only had one true love". i knew she meant my grandad straight away. and it really choked me up. my grandad had died 6 years before hand.

for someone who never tells anyone anything to tell me something as touching as that is something i will treasure forever.

Lockstep

Fair play to you.

Pretty much everything else I would say has already been said.

Crumble Froo

fair play, OP, i think there's a lot of people here who simply couldn't have done what you did, i know i certainly couldnt have. fair play chick, and sorry about your sister

most recent moment in my life was when i was presented with a few statistics, followed by a '2 weeks to live' estimation by my doctor if i didnt cop myself one,t hat was about 3 weeks before my leaving cert and a major change for the better (though still a loooooooooong road to go).

though i suppose deciding to move to new zealand was a bit of a U turn on most of all my plans too.

Alessandra

Has to be the deaths of a number of family members within a short space of time. This sort of thing makes you reevaluate life itself and be much more appreciative for the time we have. Other things connected to the deaths have had not necessarily bad effects but life-changing ones all the same.

Gloom

Male here, saw OP's post through "Post of the day".

Anyhow, mine was probably death of my mother. It's true that they say, you always take something for granted until you lose them.

There were five members in our family, 2 brothers, my father, myself and one woman (my mother). It still amazes me today that my mother was able to do everything for us, no questions asked. She did get angry a few times about rooms, laundry, dishes but that's normal.

The day when I learned that she had a terminal illness(cancer in this case) was life-changing. It made everything real. Normally, I see it on TV( Jade Goody etc) and think it will never happen to me or someone close to me but it did. It made me look at my life and how I was wasting it. It opened my eyes.

Then the inevitable day came when she passed away. At first it didn't do anything until I got home that evening. Then it hit me. There would be no more yelling at me to get up in the morning for school, giving out for mixing whites and colours in washing machine, leaving dirty dishes in sinks or collecting me after school for a spin home so I could rant about a crappy/great day I had - little things like that. It changed me - now I appreciate things so much more and it changed me as a person. Like the OP, I grew up. I began taking responsibility. I began to look after my younger sibling much more and help in around the house.

TL;DR, death in the family made me grow up and learn to appreciate things in life.

Ave Sodalis

Aoibhebree, well done hey.! Not a lot can do that so your great.

Hmmm. Lemme see. Well i think my life has been bouncing all different directions. First when I was three, I remember it well too, my nine month old brother threw a concusion. It lasted an hour and a half. At that age I understood it was serious and I knew I could lose my brother. He pulled out of it tho and despite the odds, is perfectly fine.

Next it was over three years ago when my other brother was diagnosed with nyroblastoma (cancer of the kidney). That both tore our family apart and brought us closer together at the same time. I had absolutly no-one ta talk too and nobody really explained it to me. Most people were to busy. It was terrifing but I had my other brothers and sister to think of because mum and dad were far too distracted so I pulled together for them.

Last year then, mum went into therapy because of a traumatic childhood of abuse and bullying. Again I looked after my brothers and sister.

And finally last month, mums boyfriend and herself were on holidays in Spain for her birthday. Her boyfriend turned out to have a traumatic past to and was a violent drunk as a result. Mum ended up in hospital and her boyfriend in jail. All I was told was that mum was hurt. I didnt know how badly or when she would get back. I had to make up a lie for the younger ones so they wouldnt panic. I was only explained to when mum came back over a week later and she explained herself.

I'm fourteen now so plenty more to come yet.!

Handsome Bob

Aoibhebree you are a testament to the mental strength and will within us all.

Gloom, I have taken a lot from your post, thank you.

In 2001 a close relative, after initially getting the all clear from her doctors, was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Thankfully however the cancer went into remission. It was quite frankly miraculous that after initially being misdiagnosed she successfully fought the disease.

In 2005 she began to complain about sharp pains in her leg going all the way up to the top of her spine. She instantly feared that the cancer had returned and went to her doctor. The doctor said the cancer hadn't returned but was dumbfounded as to what was wrong with her. Over the next months the pains never went away and she continuously went to her doctor for x-rays. Still nothing. Finallt the doctor sent her to another doctor for a second opinion.

To our horror not only did he confirm that the cancer had returned (cervical and lymph nodes) but he also devastated us with the news that the cancer was inoperable but also terminal. That's two misdiagnoses is the space of five years. We didn't have time to vent our fury as she was given just months to live and as she detoriated rapidly, weeks to live.

In regards to myself, I was a naive 19 year old still believing in Jesus and knowing he wouldn't let my relative (to keep a shred of anonymity I don't want to say how close I was to her) die. So I declined on one crucial occasion to go and see because I thought "I'd see her again" (although due to previous visits I got the feeling that seeing me and other youths in the family upset her). I never did see her again because she died on that occasion I declined to see her. It nearly destroyed me.

Although I little bit of me died (lost my faith), seeing her die also woke me up in a sense. I stopped using my faith as my crutch in life and instead of waiting for to things to magically happen, I made things happened. I know that two years doesn't seem all that much but I am at 21 quite different to what I was like at 19.

GirlInterrupted

aoibhebree, I'm so sorry for all you've lost, and happy for whatever you've gained from your experiences. I think your neice is, on balance, a very lucky little girl, because she has you as a role model.

Well done, and congratulations on raising your neice to be, as you have described, the bestest.

banshee_bones

OP i actually dont know what to say! If that was me im not sure I would have taken all of that in my stride as you clearly have done!

Honestly, well done, you are a credit to your niece and your family.

Like many other posters here, compared to you, nothing of that sheer scale. Obviously the death of a parent at 14 makes you grow up and cop on very quickly. As an only child i was then treated as an adult after that. While my father was sick in hospital i also had to care for my uncle who suffered altzheimers while my mother visited dad in hospital.

Hardly life changing stuff. It just made me appreciate and value alot of things in life after that period in my life.

Neverwhere

OP...wow, i can relate a tiny bit, but dont knock what you've done. It is a truly selfless act of love.

To be honest I've had a pretty rough life starting from the age of four.

I could say so many things here, so many things have happened to change my life. childhood sexual abuse, rape, psych hospitals, homelessness. etc etc

I'm not sure.

I think that one to shape me as a person the most would have been between the ages of 13-16 or so (im 20 now). My 11 year old sister was diagnosed with ALL Leaukaemia. I didn't think it was life changing at the time. I remember my sister hadn't been well, we had all thought it was allergies. One weekend my mom brought her to the doctor, and the doctor sent her in to the hospital straight away.
WE thought it was routine....she'd be fine.
5 AM that morning i woke up to my mom shaking me and sobbing announcing the news.

Life changed drastically after that. MY sister was so sick, spent so much time in hospital...almsot died a few times. I remember sitting there while doctors told my mom that they should probably start planning my sisters funeral even though she wasn't dead yet.

I've blocked out a lot of things that happened in that time of my life....the brains way of protecting us i guess. Megan was diagnosed right as I started first year. I also hada 7 year old sister and a baby brother and had suffered with severe depression for years.

Like the OP, I had to grow up over night. My dad wasnt around much (and a year into my sis's treatment he had a massive heart attack and almost died...he's still sick), my mom was at crumlin hospital with my sis all the time, and so I frequently missed school and took on the role of raising my siblings.

It was hard on my mom, the baby thought i was his mother.

IT was an increibly difficult time, and i became the adult of the family. I was the mediator, the mother, the housewife, the school child, etc etc.

My family had a lot of problems anyway, and situations like this make you or break you. MY family have had it rough as a result, and I'm still the one keeping us together.

My sister is well today, thank god, but for me personally, as difficult as it was, i wouldnt change my experience for the world. It's made me who I am today, and I'm pretty happy with that. I had to grow up fast, but it's prepped me for all the difficult things that life throws at us.

Dudess

Wow, some really shocking and sad stories here. Neverwhere, you're amazing for being so strong. sup_dude, I can't believe what you've been through for someone of only 14 - life can be so cruel. Niamh (Crumble Froo), I'm so saddened that an amazing person like you could have gone through such a nightmare. And all of you who have gone through such shattering bereavements so early in life... you just seem to have remarkable resolve. Best wishes to you all.

Will

aoibhebree - amazing story

life changing event for me, eh suppose working as a care assistant for people with learning and physical disabilities. Started there when I was 15 with a lil push from my parents volunteering in the place every wednesday. Was pretty hard work and a whole different scenario which i had never come across before. I worked there for 2 years then when i started college applied for a part time job and got really stuck into it.

There have been good days and bad days like everything I suppose. Working with children is the hardest for me. I remember one particular incident was looking after a 5 year old boy who had severe autism amongst other things. Anyone who knows an autistic person and anything about the condition will know they are creatures of habit and really really hate any deviation from there normal everyday life. I was covering for his main carer and well, I was new in his life for that day, therefore his daily rituals were broken by me being there and I wasn't fully briefed on what he liked disliked. Basically the lil fella was agitated, violent and upset the whole day and constantly trying to hurt himself. Was pretty hard going on both of us.

Positive story; Again in work, theres a whole range of people there. One man in particular is wheel chair bound and has cerebral paulsey. I don't see it though, his smile is amazing, he just cheers me right up and everyone around him.

working there has helped me deal with stressfull situations so much better, makes me thankful I am in good health even when im sick. Basically opened my eyes to a whole world i would never have encountered otherwise and met some pretty amazing people along the way. People who face daily challenges in what we would consider easy tasks, and well im glad to have been part of their lives over the passed 8 years.

Neverwhere

Thanks for sharing will. and fair play to you! i also work with kids with special needs like that, and i know how rough it can be.

ladybirdirl

OP, & indeed eveyone who has contributed so far... this is by far the best thread I've seen on here for ages. Really makes you appreciate what's good instead of focusing on the bad.

OP, you're right, you did step into your circumstances but from how you've described it you've gone far above & beyond the call of duty & shown real love,empathy & responsiblity & I can only applaud you for it.

Will, your description of working with people with special needs is inspiring & humbling,thank god for people like yourself

I've been sitting here thinking of my own situation, it pales in insignificance....but I think my life changing moments was when my parents formally seperated.. at 70 (yes you read that right) Throughout a turbulent marriage, as I grew up I tried to fix everything & now at 36 am slowly unpicking the emotional abuse & trying to fix myself. The realisation that sometimes parents are not like in the fairytales has changed my perspective as has a special person coming into my life who can show me what that normal/fairytale is like, for that I can't ever repay him.

To OP & all contributors, thanks for sharing your insights (& I'm off to make tea now so I can hide my watery eyes:))

LB

midlandsmissus

My older brother put us through absolute hell when I was growing up, he constantly screamed abuse at my mother, refused to go to school/work, do everything. I never had a carefree day, I used to dread going home from school every single day. I constantly wished for a 'normal happy family'. My parents were divorced aswell, with my Dad living far away, so it was just us.

Then when I was 15 I came home and my brother had gone missing, I sat up all that night with my poor mother, so angry at him for putting her through so much worry. We then found out he'd tried to kill himself, and left us a suicide note, and he ended up going into a mental hospital for a while. He came out and resumed his old ways. All the time I was at college (I went far away to escape it all) I would get a call from my mother every few days, crying down the phone about what he had done this time.

I carried around the anger of this for ages. Constantly thinking 'why couldnt I have a happy family life, why do I have to be constantly worring about my brother and mother etc'. all the time. I was so angry, it was absolutely eating me up.

Then this year I sat down and talked to him, and found out he was desperately unhappy, and I made a huge leap (it was very hard for me to do) and I forgave him . I'll never be close to him, but I feel so much happier having forgiven him. It's a big weight off my mind. And realising that alot of people don't have perfect family lives (I thought everyone elses had a perfect family when i was growing up).

Yours was a lovely story aoibhebree, well done you

Dudess

midlandsmissus wrote: »

And realising that alot of people don't have perfect family lives (I thought everyone elses had a perfect family when i was growing up).

I was the very same. There was a lot of fighting and tension in our house - due mostly to my father - and this thought was always going through my mind, eating me up.

MJOR

Death shapes us all in some way or another.Loss whether it's physical or mental affects us all. OP that was a lovely post very eloquently put! Go YOU!:)
I think i never realised my own strength until my Dad died. I knew I was slightly stubborn:D
My mom died when I was 21 and she had been sick my whole life that I can remebember. She had half her lung removed when I was five and was constantly in and out of hospital. I guess I thought that it was normal, I didn't know any different and used to get quite annoyed at peoples pity. When she died I had to be strong for my Dad. They had been married 45 years and he really was lost without her. When my father died I felt truthfully like the bottom had fallen out of my world. I had lived with him all my life and nursed him thru a horrendus ilness. I kept it together and realised that I was strong. I was independant. Up until then I always thought that I got on with things or was grand. I always thought I being strong for my Dad or my mom or my sister or someone else. But really I was just a hell of a lot more resilient than I thought.

Having said that I hated living alone. I always thought I'd love it. Luckily now I have a great housemate!