Bereavement Reaction?

LittleRose

I don't know where else to post this and I know that I should and will probably see a doctor but I need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has had a similar experience or knows someone who has. I would like to know if this is a normal grief reaction.

My baby girl died five months ago at nine weeks from a chromosomal disorder. She was diagnosed a week after her birth and even though we knew from then on that she wouldn't survive, it was absolutely wretched and heartbreaking to finally let her go. It's been a long, dark and bleak winter. But all in all, we've remained strong and managed to keep smiling despite our grief. I suppose we're still in the early stages of it. Our little boy of 20 months has been our mainstay throughout - if I didn't have him, I don't think I would get out of bed in the morning.

Recently, I've begun to almost have panic attacks about him dying and myself to a lesser degree. I cannot watch anything concerning death on TV or hear of something negative without applying it to him and getting into a really bad state. I am convinced that he will die. I keep seeing his name beneath my little girl's on the headstone. I am in bits writing this. The thought of him dying and having to put his body in the ground is unbearable but it invades every part of my day. I now wonder about bringing babies into the world with all the harm, diseases, violence and illness out there. I know I cannot protect him from any of it. I don't think I would survive burying another child.

I have brought this up with my partner / mother but what can they say? I know I'm being irrational and I know that it's probably a reaction to my little girl's death. I don't want to be a paranoid and neurotic mother. I want him to grow up and be a strong and confident man.

I don't want to go on antidepressants and this has been suggested to me by a couple of family members who themselves take them. We both decided that we would look out for each other and give each other six months, basically not to hold our grief at bay and work through it because as painful as it is, I believe that there is no other way around it but through it.

Any feedback will be very welcome. I have an appointment with GP tomorrow and will discuss it with him then with a view to counselling but has anyone else heard of this / have any advice?
Many thanks.

Superdaddy

What you are going through is very natural, I'm so sorry for your loss. My first son was still born and my second has been abducted to another country by his mother. I know the grief you feel. You are going the right course, go to your GP and ask for referral to a counselor. Avoid drugs if you can, they become a crutch. I had to drink everynight just to sleep and it did me no good, it almost got the better of me. You will get through this, you are not mad!, it helps to cry, it helps to talk, it will always be there and it will catch up with you every so often but you will learn to deal with it in time. Wishing you all the best.

IsThatSo?

I am so sorry to hear about your little girl, Littlerose.

I had a long post done but didn't feel comfortable posting it and wasn't able to pm you.

In a nutshell I had Post Traumatic Stress a few years back after an incident involving my then 4 month old. I won't go into details.

It was a harrowing time and I understand exactly what you are going through and the worry and stress involved. You described it perfectly, it invades every part of the day. I also found that I shut down to an extent as I was overwhelmed and found it hard to cope. I have never forgotten my experience, and it does cause me distress, even still, sometimes, but I feel that is normal also.

I am telling you this so that you can see its possible to come out the other end, given time. Superdaddy is right, it will always be there and will catch up with you at times, but it won't always be as big as it is now. I hope I have not detracted from your post, and I hope that maybe you will feel a bit less stressed knowing that you are not alone in the reaction you had.

I am not a Dr so can't say that you have PTS but after such a traumatic event in your life your Dr should consider it.

Counselling and/or anti depressents is really all you can do.

Take care.

tallaght01

I'm sorry to hear about your loss

But what you're going through is much more common than you think. I don't know anything about you, so obviously I can't really comment on your situation.

But I will say that your GP will be able to help you. You sound in a bad way, so don't rule anything out, including medication. Anti-depressants don't deserve the bad press they get nowadays, and often help people become strong enough to look their demons in the face. Have a chat to your doc if you're concerned.

Also, every hospital I've worked in has had a social worker and counsellor for baby bereavement. Your GP might be able to plug you into this kind of thing.

But, really, please get to your doctor. I know it's so hard to get up and do it, but it's the one move that has the potential to help you turn that corner.

Good luck

SpiderPiglet

I am so sorry for your loss, and can only imagine what you are going through.
I think your reaction is understandable. You had no control over what happened to your daughter and you now feel that you cannot protect your son.... the feeling of having no control can be terrifying.
Sometimes is slips into my head that I can't completely protect my 10 month old from everything, disease or natural disasters, and I get so freaked out I have to shake myself out of it.

I think you need to see a councilor to talk through these feelings.
Your pain over loosing your child is natural and will always be there but I really beleive you can do something about this panic you have over not being able to protect your son, a councillor will help you through this.

LittleRose

Thank you all for your lovely posts and condolences. I never even considered that I could have PTSD but I can see now how it could be a possibility. It's staring me in the face really. Sometimes, I just feel like staying in the house with him but I manage to shake myself out if it and get out with him.

To be honest, I've shunned the anti-d's but really may consider them if nothing else works. A week after she died, I was approached by a close family member who said "I think it's about time you went to the GP and got yourself something" and that really made me cross. I felt like saying, "hello, I've just had a traumatic pregnancy, birth, looked after my very sick baby for nine weeks and just buried her - more or less a downhill rollercoaster and you're as much as telling me that I should be getting over it". After that and another incident, I decided to keep my grief to myself - most people just can't deal with it and that could be some of the problem. I did and still do my crying at nighttime and in the shower every morning, put on my make up and I just kept telling people I was grand.

I wasn't ready for counselling before now - everything would have gone in one ear and out the other but I think it may be time.

Thank you all again. Superdaddy, I really hope that you will be reunited with your baby boy sooner rather than later. Can I suggest something? Please consider setting up an email account in his name and start sending him emails. He can read them when he's older and know how much you loved and fought for him. You could email him on a daily basis and tell him about your day and your thoughts and your love for him. I have one for my little boy and I email him about all his milestones and about how much I love him. I might never get round to telling him some of the things I have written and it's a way of capturing it before I forget it. It might help you to feel closer to him also in that you are communicating with him in some way.

IsThatSo? I wish you continued health and happiness. Thanks for your story and i don't know why you couldn't pm me?

Thanks again to you all xx

kaa

my heart went out to you. i could only imagine what you went threw.

i didn't think the way you act was weird (if that is the right word) because grief reacts to people in different ways.
you are a mother so worrying about your child is normal because they our pride and joys.

what i will say is that i think you are a very brave and strong woman. and i admire for that.

reading your posting i just want to say i hope everything works for you and goes well.
good luck

paulksnn

LittleRose. Such a harrowing story. You really have my deepest sympathy.
There's really not a lot I can say. Myself and my wife had our daughter die the same day she was born(the condition was diagnosed about a month beforehand).

I notice that you said you thought counselling would go in one ear and out the other. My wife attended one and found it very helpful (It is a place to go and speak about those umentionable possibilites to another person who will tell you that you're not unusual). My wife found this very helpful, as I wasn't much good to her. (I didn't and still do avoid talk about her - but that's another matter). My wife was able to attend a counsellor free of charge through my health insurance (VHI), so this is maybe an avenue that you could pursue if money is an issue.

ISANDs (http://www.isands.ie) is a support group.I believe they have meetings in Cork.

My wife also found someone else on rollercoaster.ie who had gone through the same experience. They have since met up IRL and are good friends based on their shared experience.

That feeling you have of helplessness and deepest sadness lessens over time. It never goes away. It will change you as a person. But you learn to live with it and move on.

As superdaddy says, avoid drugs. You need to deal with the problem, not deal with the symptoms of the problem, which is what drugs/alcohol will do.

PM me if you ever want to talk.

Ladybird99

Hi LittleRose

I can identify with everything you have said. My daughter died when she was five months old and had been ill since she was born. That was nearly three years ago and I was three months pregnant at the time.
I too became irrational and paranoid when my younger daughter was born. I was in constant fear of losing her and every morning for a very long time expected to find her dead in the cot. Since then I have had occasional dreams where my youngest child or one or all of my other children are killed. Sometimes I even dream that I am about to die. The dreams did not start straight away but have eased off. I never took any medication because in a strange way I wanted to feel the pain and felt to mask it would somehow be denying my child. I also never felt ready or strong enough for counselling although am considering it now.

However looking back, I wish I had gone and got something from the doctor at the time, I thought I had to be strong but in reality probably made a terrible situation harder than it had to be for my three older kids and my husband.

Please do not feel you have to be a superwoman, take whatever help you can. Take care of yourself, the grief will never go away but it does become manageable.

IsThatSo?

IsThatSo? I wish you continued health and happiness. Thanks for your story and i don't know why you couldn't pm me?

Hi Littlerose,

You have to have 25 posts before you can send or receive pms.

I had just wanted to share my "symptoms" a bit more with you, but not do it on this thread as this thread is about you, not me. I had hoped that by sharing my "symptoms" it might help you to accept your "symptoms" as normal, given your experience, and that you wouldn't feel like you are going mad.

When you have 25 posts I will PM you..........get posting girl

Splendour

Hi LittleRose,

just read this thread and may I pass on my sympathies to you and your husband. It is a very difficult road you're on; don't be too harsh with yourself and please don't listen too much to people who are trying to 'get you better asap'. Grief does not have a time scale...

I want also to second the ISANDS group mentioned by paulksnn. When I lost my baby 15 years ago, I found them absolutely fantastic. They have regular group meetings where parents can freely discuss how they are feeling and not have to worry for a couple of hours about putting on a brave face.
You will find there that many parents feel exactly as you do about their remaining children. You are not going crazy but are merely going through the grieving process.

Take care, I will remember you in prayer

paulksnn wrote: »

ISANDs (http://www.isands.ie) is a support group.I believe they have meetings in Cork.

di11on

Hey there OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it must be like - but your reaction sounds completely reasonable and normal to me.

I would definitely seek counselling. Just like we'd need a doctor to fix a broken leg, a professional can help you through this difficult time.

One thing that strikes from from your post:

LittleRose wrote:

I know I cannot protect him from any of it. I don't think I would survive burying another child.

You write this as if it's going to happen. I know you're struggling with these thoughts and you're terrified of this, and that's normal - you should keep telling yourself that you only feel this way because of the terrible trauma you've been through. Learn to recognise the thoughts and the reasons behind them. Once your comfortable with why you are afraid you'll loose your son, I think you will become more aware that this is no more likely to happen than for anyone else. Learn to distinguish the thoughts and feelings from the reality and the underlying facts.

My thoughts are with you LittleRose.

LittleRose

Thanks again all. I had a long reply written last week but for some reason it didn't post - still new to this I suppose.

Thanks to paulsknn, I have been on the ISANDS site and am keeping an eye out for meetings in my area. Thanks for that and to all of you for sharing your losses with me - sometimes it feels like I am the only one who has ever had to go through this but unfortunately, the loss of babies and children seems to be more common than you would expect. It helps to know that others have come through it and are still getting on with things.

I also spoke with a nurse who used to come and help us with our baby girl when she was at home and she helped to put things in perspective for me. A lot of it she reckons was the bottling up of it and trying to appear strong. And before that, the pregnancy, c-section, baby's illness and all the decisions we had to make with regard to that in a short space of time, then of course her death. I had a nice break this week with my family and that helped a lot in terms of reconnecting with friends and doing nice things with them.

I am still considering counselling. Thanks to you all for your very valued advice and for sharing your stories.

My little man is still breathing in and out - I have so much to be thankful for and I need to keep reminding myself of that. I have a lot of blessings in my life.

Many thanks to you all and strength, health and happiness to you and yours xxx

byhookorbycrook

Little Rose, read your story and couldn't not post. I won't pretend to understand how you are feeling, but I would def recommend ISANDS.

Strength and peace.X

Joey the lips

LittleRose wrote: »

I don't know where else to post this and I know that I should and will probably see a doctor but I need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has had a similar experience or knows someone who has. I would like to know if this is a normal grief reaction.



Any feedback will be very welcome. I have an appointment with GP tomorrow and will discuss it with him then with a view to counselling but has anyone else heard of this / have any advice?
Many thanks.

Hi Littlerose, You have a lot to deal with and I'll say a prayer you get through it. First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of the death of your girl. Its not nice when our offspring depart before us so your reaction is perfectly normal. I am not a doctor or councillor but I hope this helps a little.

Your fighting a battle on two grounds. 1st your in morning for your first child and your finding it hard to cope. 2nd You are aware that your son is "fragile" and now you are trying to over protect him for fear of loosing him.

You are experiencing a panic attack. The gift of life is a glorious thing to give a person. We do not have our family cause we should we have our family cause we want and love kids. You have lost your daughter and you loved her so its only natural that you miss her and this is your grief. You now fear for your son cause you are afraid of the loss you experienced already. As I have said you have given your kids a glorious thing you gave them the gift of life. Do not feel like you have made a mistake. You are a wonderful person for this achievement alone.

Please please get some counciling. Tell your boy you love him and that you know he must miss his sister as you do. That way you are comforting your boy and explaining your grief. Lastly, share your grief with your husband dont be afraid but remember you are perfectly normal

I cannot comment on medication but I have been through a lot and I am not on any. Counciling is a great tool. It helps you find answers. Lastly post your feeling or read threads about others. Your not alone eventhough you are going through it alone,

Take care!

cloudy day

Hi Little Rose
I'm sorry for your loss. It's very sad. And it was brave of you to put your post up.

I think the point about Traumatic Stress Disorder is very relevant. We go through bad stages at some point in our lives, but the loss of a child is especially hard to cope with. My sister's husband killed himself, and a year later a daughter was killed in a car crash. It took a devastating toll on her.

I also think the point on Anti D's is valid. They can be viewed as a crutch, but a crutch is an aid, and it may help.

It's always a good idea to talk about things. The good thing about a counsellor is they are a stranger and you can put it all out there. I read someplace once that having a book and writing everything done can be helpful.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.

Rubens

Hi LittleRose, I am so sorry to hear of your families loss. As a mother myself, losing one of my children is the most unbearable thought and my heart breaks for any parent going through it.

I agree with other posters, there is no time limit on this, and also you can't ever be expected to just "forget" and get on with it.

I have no other advice to offer than has already been offered, but could not read your post and not reply.

On a lighter note, my daughter is 21 months now and we are getting great craic out of her. She's so funny, and loving. Enjoy your little son while he's small.. he won't be small forever, and won't be as easy to enjoy when he's a bit bigger and more capable of answering back!

Look after yourselves, and don't feel under any pressure to get over this anytime soon. In reality, you will probably never get over it, you will just be better able to deal with it.