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How to deal with insecurity in a fledgling relationship

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  • 06-03-2009 10:40am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I met a girl recently that I really like. Our meeting was one of those things... Don't go looking to meet someone and BANG! There's the woman of your dreams.

    We've been out a couple of times and share the same interests but I keep wondering why the hell she's into me! I'm only okay looking, I could do with losing a stone and I'm very quiet. I keep thinking I need to keep her the hell away from some of my friends who are way more interesting.

    This only bloody happens to me when I'm with a girl I like. When it's something casual and I don't give a hoot, it's fine.

    My track record for relationships is useless. I spent a long time depressed and during that time alienated a girl I was mad about and a lot of my friends. In the past 2 years since, I've got my life on track... Great job, hobbies, fitness, friends but still, I often go through these phases of self doubt, especially when something like this happens.

    I know it's early days with this person and there are no guarantees, but my god, she tells me she likes me, she arranges to see me again, she says she can't wait to see me and I just keep being myself and dread that it's not enough!


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I met a girl recently that I really like. Our meeting was one of those things... Don't go looking to meet someone and BANG! There's the woman of your dreams.

    We've been out a couple of times and share the same interests but I keep wondering why the hell she's into me! I'm only okay looking, I could do with losing a stone and I'm very quiet. I keep thinking I need to keep her the hell away from some of my friends who are way more interesting.

    This only bloody happens to me when I'm with a girl I like. When it's something casual and I don't give a hoot, it's fine.

    My track record for relationships is useless. I spent a long time depressed and during that time alienated a girl I was mad about and a lot of my friends. In the past 2 years since, I've got my life on track... Great job, hobbies, fitness, friends but still, I often go through these phases of self doubt, especially when something like this happens.

    I know it's early days with this person and there are no guarantees, but my god, she tells me she likes me, she arranges to see me again, she says she can't wait to see me and I just keep being myself and dread that it's not enough!

    Well the only thing i can say is you have to try to stop these thoughts taking over your head. If she likes you the way you are, what's the problem...? there is no problem. the problem in a short while will be that she gets sick of hearing you be so insecure. She wont want to keep telling you she wants to be around you, and she's not interested in other guys. Act confident then you will be confident, and you'll be even more attractive to her. trust me girls like guys who are comfortable with themselves and what they want.


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    #3
    prinz
    Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    You take some bricks and a bag of cement.Build a bridge and.....


    She's with you not someone else. If you think like this too much she will pick up on it and you will find her gone. Just concentrate on her and the relationship, and stop the over analysing everything. Nothing as unnattractive as wallowing in self doubt/pity.


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    #4
    Kirnsy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 970 ✭✭✭Kirnsy


    she likes you. does it matter if you dont understand why?

    go with the flow and feel good about yourself.


    ps. your past is just that; your past.no one should judge you for it.


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    #5
    Kimono-Girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,160 ✭✭✭Kimono-Girl


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I know it's early days with this person and there are no guarantees, but my god, she tells me she likes me, she arranges to see me again, she says she can't wait to see me and I just keep being myself and dread that it's not enough!


    there are never any guarantees with any relationship regardless of sex/age/personalities...thats the risk involved with meeting the girl/guy of your dreams, but if they are the girl/guy of your dreams isn't the risk worth it?


    i found it very hard to accept certain circumstances were out of my control aka (will she/he cheat, will he/she leave me, will she/he still like me in 5 years time) and those things are outside of our control Even if we don't like it but but ive learned you need to accept your other halfs word/actions. SHE WOULDNT SEE YOU IF SHE DIDNT LIKE YOU! :)

    and anyway you said you have a lot in common maybe she thinks so too, maybe she feels the same as you,after all until me and my OH talked about it, i realised my other half was thinking just as many paranoid thoughts as i was, we had a good talk and a laugh about it and it made us stronger. it's all down to trust really, when she says she likes you do you trust her?


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here...

    Thanks for the kicks up the behind, folks. I'm willing to take a chance with this one so I'll just have to get over it.

    I guess trying to figure out why she liked me will be my undoing. Maybe it just doesn't matter.


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    #7
    PurpleDaisy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6 ✭PurpleDaisy


    You have to weigh up the costs of the relationship...

    Is giving this relationship a chance worth the risk of being hurt/betrayed etc.

    I've struggled with insecurity in relationships before, still do to be honest and there's no real way around it...you just have to decide if putting up with the doubts and insecurities is worth it all...

    then you have to build up the courage to just jump in, 100%...hopefully the relationship will help quieten these insecurities and it'll all have been worth it...


    Good luck.


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    #8
    Salome
    Closed Accounts Posts: 570 ✭✭✭Salome


    Don't look for problems when there are none. Get on with enjoying yourselves.


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    #9
    Ollchailin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 334 ✭✭Ollchailin


    OP, I know exactly where you're coming from- I'm going out with my boyfriend for over 2 years and he is waaaaay better looking than me. (Having said that, my boyfriend wouldn't agree, but when we're out he'd attract far more interest from the opposite sex than me)

    It can be puzzling at times as to why he's with me (especially when I'm having a particularly frumpy ugly day!) but all that matters is that he does want to be with me. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had conversations with him asking him basically would he not prefer to be with somebody else, and that I'm aware that my friends have far better figures and looks than me so would he not prefer someone like that- but he says that these things have never even crossed his mind so I know that these are my insecurities to get over and 99% of the time it just makes be so happy that I have such a lovely and handsome boyfriend.

    So don't dwell on it too much- enjoy her company and allow yourself to be totally chuffed that she's chosen you! She wouldn't stay with you if she didn't want to be (something I've told myself on a few occasions!)

    Have fun- you're so lucky you're at the start as well, that's the best part when you feel it's something special :)


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