Viz Readers Letters

galwayrush

Some of these are very good............


Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

· What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

· Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

· What's gone wrong with the world today, nowadays I can't even beat the wife about a bit without fear of intervention from social services or even fear of prosecution. It's PC gone mad.

· Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

· What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day20someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

· I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

· WHY DON 'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

· Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.

· Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

· How come rap artist Dr.. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor

· The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

· They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

· If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

· In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany ( Berlin ), Argentina ( Buenos Aires ), Iraq ( Baghdad ), and Serbia ( Belgrade ). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

· These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

· We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

· Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

· I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

· Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

· So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

· I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

admiralofthefleet

they are great. a few from this months magazine -

is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that money has been a bit tight lately


i love my wife enormously and i was going to buy her some red roses for valentines day until i saw the price of them, that is. £50 for a dozen! i could get 2 prostitutes for that. so i did



for someone who doesnt approve of alternative sexualities, i think the pope spends an awful lot of time in a dress


i won absolutely nothing on the lotto this week. i wonder if any other readers had a similar experience

Podge2k7

Good stuff.

Capt'n Midnight

galwayrush wrote:

· WHY DON 'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

+1

Capt'n Midnight

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan. Lo Chi Chang, Taipei


The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les, Barnsley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan

"One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!! Tracey Cusick, Cumbria


They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this
final score place our national champ in the world league table? Magnus, Sheffield

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi


Supermarkets. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice
creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit
through. Serena Keough

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary, e-mail

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close,


I wish people would stop taking the **** out of Smokie, they are my favourite group and better than any of the so called 'super groups' such as the rolling stones. They are a really nice bunch of guys too, I should know, they used to live next door to me. Alice, Skegness


I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam.


People who say that relaxing the licencing laws will lead to to an increase in violence should look at the figures. The present opening hours were intoduced in 1914, and were followed by 4 years of fighting in which millions of people were killed. Audrey Potter, Chelmsford

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's erse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. Joe McKeown








Mix luminous paint with your dog food to help prevent unfortunate pedestrians treading on dog turds during the dark winter evenings.

Capt'n Midnight

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be
calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up
all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at
least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I
must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer
brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after
all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that
'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the
one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy


'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of
me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed
potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a
billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more
harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough


So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th
anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh
about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into
perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by
an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to
come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some
action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should
keep her quiet for a while.
Warren


THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed
all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire


I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ
great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a
grocer or something.
A Terrorist


'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond ****ybollocks


How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the
non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts'
sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they
should have been developing something to make them stick.
J Boxbury, Norfolk



MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously
relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.
Peter Marwood


I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over
there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner


Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley


I went to a house the other day to fix a lady's washing machine, a Zanuss
ZWF 161, which kept stopping halfway through the spin cycle. I took it
apart, but couldn't for the life of me see what was causing the problem. I
realised why when I suddenly remembered that I was not an electrical
engineer, but a pensions and savings advisor with the
Cheltenham & Gloucester Building Society. How foolish I felt as I tried to
put it back together.
Norman Topsoil, Luton


ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the
couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to
the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had
mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds


MY HUSBAND plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was
determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again.
Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3.00am and told me there was a basket
of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out of the
bedroom window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got
there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had.
However, the joke wasn't over. When I got back into the bedroom the cheeky
devil had filled my slippers with broken glass. I'm determined he won't
get me this year.
Ethel Alcohol, Sutton


I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for
it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I
lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next
Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot
when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that
my house was out of stock and they should ring back on
Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?
DF Kant


I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If
anything they start asking me for more money.
Ian Sertname, Brighton le Sands


I'm not surprised Ellen MacArthur's boat went in a great big circle around
the world. I've bought lengths of wood from B&Q as well.
T Haliday, Shropshire


Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having
these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have
more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

Capt'n Midnight

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but
the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks.
Stan Herschel

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem

Whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be
able to fashion acrude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell
out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are
the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
Billington Smyth


If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth


To call Dr Harold Shipman ' Britain 's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr.. Shipman is ' Britain 's best serial killer'.

Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned
out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the
country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham


Radio 2's Steve Wright only reads out letters from people who say how much they love him and his show. I know this because me and my mates write to him regularly to tell him we think he's a c*nt and he never reads our letters out.
Mark Edwards, Leek


I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key.
Christina Martin


Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice.
Simon Eldritch


Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its ar*e on it.'
Steve Edwards, Welshpool


I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn't true.

joseph brand

Theres a great one about a Granny who believes George Lucas used her life as the basis for Star Wars.

I cant find it?? Anyone have it??

dxhound2005

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