Ending friendship's after meeting someone.

bluecell99

Over the last few years I have lost a few friends of long standing when they met somebody for "relationship".I kept up the usual contact,phone calls,the texting,meeting up for a drink whatever.Gradually all the contact became less and less from their side;the invitation to the house for a bite to eat,the casual meet in town after work,the calls.It seems they are happy with the new person and previous friendships are forgotten.

After five years I have "lost " four gay friends this way.Has anyone else experienced this?Is it possible to make new friends in your thirties?

Was I too generous to these people when they were single?Encouraging them,being with them on the scene,facilitating them in every way as I believe friends should look out for each other.I was delighted when they met someone and it brought them out of their shell.Made all the reassuring chats and shoulder - to cry on ,sessions seem worthwhile.

Now I am told from "old" mutual acquaintances that in three of the cases mentioned their "other halves" are sleeping around with different casual hook ups.

I dont know if they have agreed to be open or they are being cheated on and I dont really give a damn.

My trust has been seriously damaged and not sure how to re-construct a decent social life with gays.

Dwn Wth Vwls

It seems to be notoriously difficult for a lot of gay males to keep up friendships with other males. It is a stereotype though and obviously plenty of people have no problem. What strikes me about your post is the "shoulder to cry on" aspect. Are you sure, however subconciously, you weren't seeking out needy friends so that you could be their white knight? If that was your main function in their life it's not really surprising you got replaced by a boyfriend.

I would say the best friendships are more equal, so if you don't need a shoulder to cry on, avoid people who do. Make friends through common interests.

Untense

bluecell99 wrote: »

Over the last few years I have lost a few friends of long standing when they met somebody for "relationship".

That's reasonably common no matter what sexuality a person is, I would have thought.

I kept up the usual contact,phone calls,the texting,meeting up for a drink whatever.....After five years I have "lost " four gay friends this way

Did they actually stop returning your messages? Or was it that they declined offers? When was the last time you made contact?
Are they really lost? It sounds to me like your friends were in relationships and as a result were less interested in hanging out with mates. I don't think that's so unusual and I wonder if you're taking it too personally. If they actually stopped returning your calls that would be a different matter.

Has anyone else experienced this?

I think everyone has people come and go in their lives. Friends aren't necessarily for life. Then again, I'm pretty ****e at keeping contact with old friends, but am always happy to hear from them, though I may not always be able to accept their invitations.

Is it possible to make new friends in your thirties?

Of course it is.

Was I too generous to these people when they were single?

Maybe if you weren't so friendly and supporting of them they might still be shy, single and therefore still in your life? I hope that's not something you intend to drag with you to your new friendships in future ...

My trust has been seriously damaged and not sure how to re-construct a decent social life with gays.

Have these old friends really breached your trust?

bluecell99

Are you sure, however subconciously, you weren't seeking out needy friends so that you could be their white knight? If that was your main function in their life it's not really surprising you got replaced by a boyfriend.

I dont think I sought out needy people,was just there as a friend for them.I have straight and bi-sexual friends who have never dropped everything just because they get into an oh so cosy relationship.

bluecell99

Untense wrote: »

That's reasonably common no matter what sexuality a person is, I would have thought.


Did they actually stop returning your messages? Or was it that they declined offers? When was the last time you made contact?
Are they really lost? It sounds to me like your friends were in relationships and as a result were less interested in hanging out with mates. I don't think that's so unusual and I wonder if you're taking it too personally. If they actually stopped returning your calls that would be a different matter.


I think everyone has people come and go in their lives. Friends aren't necessarily for life. Then again, I'm pretty ****e at keeping contact with old friends, but am always happy to hear from them, though I may not always be able to accept their invitations.


Of course it is.


Maybe if you weren't so friendly and supporting of them they might still be shy, single and therefore still in your life? I hope that's not something you intend to drag with you to your new friendships in future ...



Have these old friends really breached your trust?

Yes,they actually stopped returning messages and calls.
Whatever about dragging something into new friendships it will not include naivety.

I would say they have breached trust and it is a pity that this has happened with gay guys as opposed to straights and bi's who have not changed ,whether they have met someone or not.