Advice please

LegacyUser

O.k, I have a bit of a problem that I need advice on.

I have a very close friend who has fancied this girl since as long as Iv known him. He has never mentioned anything of anyone else other then this one girl. Me and all my circle of friends know about it, all her friends know about it, and mostly she even knows about it but wont give him the attention he's looking for and they have remained close friends now for years even tho its not ideal for him and he knows it. For a long time people have been saying for him to grow up and move on since its not healthy to focus on something that cannot be got, but I don't blame him for trying, because after all, hes one of my best friends and I'd love to see him succeed in everything he does.

Being one of his best friends, For years I have kept a safe distance away from the situation except to give advice on his part. By situation I mean, I tried my best to not be over social with her, merely acknowledge her and be nice, that kind of thing. Like shes always been at party's we go to since she is in the same social circle as allot of my other good friends, so avoidance altogether wasn't possible.

I'm the type that goes out, Gets pretty drunk and finds myself waking up the next morning in bed with random women. For years I have been like this, I'm a pretty decent looking fella with a good lot going for me except for the fact I **** allot of important **** up on people because of situations I find myself in. The reason I do the mentioned above is cause I get very lonely and i like company, Maybe not the best way to find company, since I NEVER get emotionally attatched but its a habit. I have had 2 meaningful relationships in my life so far, and only 1 in which I was in love (best and worst period of my life but wouldn't trade it for the world). This lasted a decent length of time and all was well until we broke up and I went back on my sluttish ways to find another that would fill the lonely part of me.

For this reason in particular I have stayed away from the mentioned girl, Iv always told myself I can have any other girl but this one.

Successfully trained in this way of thinking I thought I could trust myself to have fun with her without me ****ing **** up but one night I got talking to her at her brothers going away party in dublin. We had ALLOT in common, I mean I'm really not the most talkative person (separate issue being worked on) in the world, But I felt a comfort zone around her, And we just kept talking and talking and talking. I get nervous in big groups of people, But when with her it felt like they dissapeared and all worries about being nervous and stuff went away and I became social. By the end of the night, We kissed. Allot. The worst part about forgetting my worries was I lost my line of thought that kept me away from this sort of situation for years out of respect for my friend.

My friend saw what happened. He did not say anything and left quietly. He knows all about it, and I feel like ****. But on the other hand, I feel amazing. This girl is amazing. We get on so so well and I feel with allot of **** that has happened to me over the last few years (depression mainly), she can be good for me. very good for me.

He hasn't talked to me in a long long time, and I know hes hurt. I wanna talk to him and make him understand that its not a one night stand or me just being, well.....ME (my usual slutty,bag and tag'm self) -

I'm looking for advice on what to do. I'm scared to talk to him. I'm scared Iv thrown away 10 years of trust, not only between me and him, but me and our once tight group of friends.

I do apologize for the long novel on how I feel, but I wanted you to see both sides of the predicament I have got myself into.

She feels so right but what I'm doing feels so wrong.

gagomes

It's difficult thing, but it happened to me and I remember that even though I lost one friend, it also helped me healing the wounds and realize how stupid I was being for looking at girl who simply was not into me at all. I believe your friend must be very hurt, not just because you did it, but because he saw his chances getting reduced to shizz and I believe you made a huge mistake there, be ready to have your friendship gone and even if you get to talk to him once he forgets her and starts to miss your friendship (which might eventually happen), it's never going to be the same for sure and by that time you're probably just in different life rounds and looking at one another as someone who used to be alike and isn't anymore.

MIN2511

Wow!

This is always a messy situation....

Whats the current situation between you and this girl?
Whats the current situation between you and your other freinds?
What do they think of you and this girl getting together?

Which is more important to you? Your freindship with your mate or you and this girl getting together.

Unfortunately you can't have both, if you chose this girl over your mate you will have to understand if he stays away from both of you and your other mates staying away from the two of you-Childish i know but that's life for you-you can't eat your cake and have it.
If you chose your mate and ignore the feelings you have for this girl, it will haunt you for the rest of your life-"what if's"

goodluck dude

LegacyUser

The current situation is that we have meet up a lot of times.
To anyone else that's not a big deal, But for me it is since I don't ever meet back up with a girl once I have been with them. Once again I really don't mean to sound big headish, But it is a problem I have, I'm not being a dick or cocky.
I want to be with this girl basically.

Current situation with my friend.
Over the last few years our tight group started falling apart, Not because we wanted to, But as life goes, stuff gets in the way.
The two of us are still friends (up until the situation occurred) but not as tight as before.
We drink together most weekends, go to gigs, But don't really talk during the week as much. The same goes for most of the original circle.

I don't know what to do. I cant even bring myself to talk to him. All but one of my other best friends know about the whole story but keeps laughing at the situation I'm in which doesn't help at all.

I cant hide this from my friends for much longer, But when It comes out I want it to come out the right way.

Once again, I need advice I can take criticism so do your worst.

LegacyUser

Time is ticking for a decision and I just cant find one, Has anyone been in this situation before or has any more helpful advice?

MIN2511

1. Since you are serious with the girl(seems like it's getting there). A polite email to your freind, aknowledging his feelings for this girl and your own intentions. No need to apologise, unfortunately things don't always play as we will like it to but such is life.
2. You don't owe your other freinds anything


Now enjoy your "relationship" with this girl-you better treat her right!

cantdecide

If I were you, I'd go for it without a second thought.

You've said yourself that life is intervening and your 'group' is not as strong as it once was. As someone who can identify with your unreg name I can tell you that one of my few opportunities to find the real thing was given up out of a misguided loyalty to a mate. Now I don't see that mate so much any more and ditto the girl.

Ring/ email/ text your mate. Explain that you feel terrible and you know that he may never forgive you but you must find out if there is something there. I suspect you're all coming to the age where 'crushes' are becoming fewer and farther between and in fairness if it was ever going to happen, it would have happened by now between them.

LegacyUser

Love starved..I would go for it. You will reach a stage in life where you love life will start to be priority over your pals. This girl is not your pal's girl..she has never even dated him.
He may be fond of her but as you say you are not looking for a one night stand so he has no reason to be protective of her.
You have every right to date her if you want,and to be frank your pal sounds a tad immature if he is hanging on to some fantasy about her that ain't ever gonna happen.
He sounds creepy to me TBH.
Try and talk to him and say you like her and are not looking for a casual fling.If he won't cut you some slack then I'd say he had a lot of growing up to do.
If you don't see her because of him you will feel really stupid,because I bet if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't think twice.

panda100

Op, have you spoke to the girl about this? It might be a good idea for her to say to your friend that she has absolutely no intrest in him. That way he hears it from the horses mouth and can start getting over her asap.

Your doing absolutely nothing wrong with seeing this girl. Just meet up with him and explain that you like her and hope you havent hurt his feelings.

LegacyUser

Cheers everyone for the helpful advice, I really do appreciate the time you put into reading and answering my problem. Its late now but tomorrow I will do what needs to be done.

Wish me luck with the new lady

starchild

some time back i was very like your friend , basically completely in love with a girl who did not feel the same. a friend not really close but still a friend of mine ended up with her one night and they went on to go out for a couple months

for me it was such a bad feeling , i cant describe it well enough tbh i was just devasted, the friend in question called to me the next day & to be fair to him he told me how he felt about her & that he too had developed feelings like mine. As hurt as i was this actually really helped me & in hindsight it allowed me to move on from thinking/obsessing about her

i think before you go public with the relationship you should call your friend and at he very least attempt to talk things out with him

from what i take from your post he is losing one of his closest friends and also the girl probably dreamed of ending up with

im not trying to make you feel bad (sometimes we just cant stop ourselves & its meant to be) but i would urge you to really consider his feelings & try and find a way to build bridges

Jimmy Bottlehead

Its your friend own fault for not being a man and making a move. He can't blame you for making a move and this girl for accepting it.

Oh The Humanity

I want to be with this girl basically.

Then do. Look at the end of the day, this has been dragging on years.

She knows he likes her and she's never given him the come on, so sorry but alls fair in love and war.

To be honest, you are actually doing him a favour, its very noble stepping aside all these years yeh...but a bit of a waste to tell the truth if its never gonna happen between him and her.

Life is hard and he needs a little wake up call or life will pass him by, there is no point him mooning over someone who's never gonna be with him.

If you can try to talk to him, he might rebuff you but at least you tried.