Birth mother changed her mind?

lynsalot

Hi guys
I've been reading a good bit of the posts here and I can't find anything similar to my experience. It caused me a lot of pain but thankfully I think i'm on the other side of it now. Just wondering if anyone relates to it though. My birth mother and I met when I was 18 and she wanted more contact than me. I struggled about where to fit her in. My mam actually helped me a great deal asking me to give her a chance and see how it develops. Things were going well although I still didn't know where she should fit in, in my life. We were more like good drinking buddies.

We went away together and fell out and we haven't seen each other since. We were in contact for 4 years and I haven't seen her in nearly as long. Still not sure why. She still texts me on birthdays but when i ask to meet she'll say yes but never follows it up so i've given up. She was roaring at me on holidays that she wished she'd never met me and i've ruined her life and it took me soooo long to get over it. I've decided now i don't need the hassle in my life and moving on. However does anyone else share this type of experience??

Thanks

MaryMagdalene

Hi Lynsalot,

I read your post but didn't reply as I am a natural mother and couldn't possibly understand how you are feeling. However I note lots of people have read it and not replied.

So here is my tuppence worth from her point of view. I think she might be scared. I am. I don't know where I am to fit in my daughters life. It takes a long time to get your life back after losing a child to adoption. Some people never make it. I did.

However, to spend years pulling yourself up, building up your self confidence, trying to cleanse yourself of that self loathing it is difficult to take the chance of it all being shattered again. That is the power that adoptees have.

Even for me, I sometimes am afraid to love my children that I am rearing day to day. I am afraid of the hurt that loving someone can lead to. It is well documentated that natural mothers find it difficult to go on to have loving relationships - we find it difficult to trust anyone again. Trust is a real issue for me but I am aware of that - isn't councelling great

When my daughter chose to contact me I was thrilled, I had spent all her life waiting for that moment but I also felt a huge rush of fear and anger. Anger of all that had happened, all that I had lost and fear of losing all that I had built up.

Irrational, perhaps, but its real.

Perhaps when you fought she sheltered, she did the only thing she knew how to to protect herself - she got back under her shell. I'm sure this is not the outcome she wished for either.

I don't know why she won't meet you after all this time but she hasn't forgotten you or wants to lose touch. Her texts on your birthday prove that.

I don't think you don't care either or else you wouldn't have written here. 4 more wasted years apart is very sad. Could you could write her a letter? Why not put it all down on paper, everything. Everything you feel, everything you want and everything you don't understand. What have you got to lose at this point? At the very least you might get closure and who knows maybe it might be the best thing you ever did.

Its a sad situation and if I'm honest one that I am terrified of happening to me. I'm too young to be a "Mammy type figure" but too old to be a buddy. I'm hoping for the big sister role..........:cool:

I truely hope that you can resolve your differences but failing that I wish you all the best - you seem to come from a loving supportive family which is great.

MM

The_Conductor

Hi Lynsalot,

I'm one of those who read your post a few times- I composed two different replies last night and then decided not to post them for different reasons.

It difficult to know what is going to happen, and its probably best to not have any expectations whatsoever when going into a reunion. Most often its the person who is doing the seeking (in this case your birthmum) who has (or had) what probably were unrealistic expectations, and her later reactions may have been frustration on her part that you were not fulfilling the role that she had set in her mind for you.

Unfortunately I know very well what you're going through- I'm in a not dissimilar situation myself.

My own thoughts on the matter are that-

Birthmothers may have difficulty reconciling the adult in front of them with the baby of only a few weeks of age that they gave up all those years ago. They probably expect us to have certain reactions towards them- be it anger that we were given up, curiousity towards our birth families or any of a large number of other possible emotions. Its very probable that they have worked through these scenarios- and decided on the appropriate course of action that they intend to take when they encounter them. When the situation is not as they imagine, it can lead to frustration and anger again, on their part.

You do have a communications channel open to her- and you do have an excellent support base from your Mam. It really is a case that you do have to keep trying. I know its hard- and that you feel hurt by her lack of response to you. I don't think you should simply view it as 'hassle' that you can move on from- she is always going to be your birthmum, one way or the other, some people are more difficult to get on with than others- its a simple fact of life- but its not something that you can simply put away and consider it done and dusted- its not fair to either you or her.

I think that perhaps the relationship you originally had with your birthmum, based on friendship more than anything else, is a good common ground to strive towards.

It really is a case of people having expectations that weren't met, and then closing down and erecting barriers to try to stop themselves from getting hurt emotionally.

I'm incredibly sad even thinking about the situation you're in- and I can fully understand why you consider it hassle and are suggesting moving on- its not a situation that you can address in a way like that though. You are so lucky that your Mam is being so supportive- but its still something that you are going to have to learn how to deal with.

I found attending Barnados sessions on dealing with reunions to be very helpful in trying to come to terms with where my birthmum was coming from- and to try to recognise what her perspective might be. It doesn't mean that its any easier for me to deal with it- but understanding where the other person is, is a very good first step.

Best wishes,

Shane

lynsalot

Thanksfor posting replys guys I really appreciate your opinions and advice.
there doesn't seem to be a lot of activity on the adoption page here?

shezzie

hey am adopted just wanted to say at least you got to meet and get those answers to those annoying questions that keep swirling around and around...she still cares or she wouldn't still be in touch and you still care or you wouldn't have posted here...as ye knew each other for four years you know where she lives can't you call to her house...would it be that bad...

i started my search last year got the non identyfying information and an initial interest but nothing since last may my mother doesn't wanna know for one reason or other she could have at least a basic respect to at least allow a letter or two to explain certain things to me if she did not want to meet now i will never have any closure....

it really really upsets me so be happy your mother cares cause there are some of us that have birth mothers who dont,,,,so dont give up on your birth mother she hasnt on you

kathy finn

hi, like shezzie i never got to meet my birthmother, she died before i got a chance.
i really feel that you should write her a letter explaining how you feel and try to put the past behind and start again, she obviously cares but she is probably afraid she will get hurt again.
give it a go you are older and wiser........kathy

lynsalot

Hi guys
Thanks but you don't understand. I've written to her oh about 6 times now and each time I get as much as a text msg in response, sometimes no response. i've been to counselling. my half sister is on my bebo page and never wants a thing to do with me.

its like the few text msgs pass between us and i get my hopes up and then she doesn't bother replying and i'm left in limbo land again., Everyone around me thinks i'm best to forget about her. if i turn up at her house, much like the letters it's only going to open up a whole can of worms when i've no real reurance that she'll actually look afte our relationship. Ppl have said they never got to meet their birth mothers. I've been diagnosed with depression - which stems a lot from my problems with neglect, being needy, self conscious, paranoid about being left on my own and having issues and friends and other halves having to take these on board. I can't actually stress enough how much of a bad effect the entire thing has had on me.

A lot of my problems aren't becase I'm adopted but are because of when we met I was all over the place. Then when she decided to call it a day I was lost for practically 3 years. I couldn't maintain a relationship - I don't know how my husband put up with me, We weren't married at the time but my god I was hard work.

Anyway look my point is.... that from time to time i keep re-visting the same old wounds and I wondered if anyone else was left feeling bitter from it all. I just don't accept that she can treat me like this. I never resented her decision - I never blamed her but the day she decided to cut me out of her life she made me a very angry bitter person with lots of issues and I just don't think I can forgive her for that. Of course I'd love the day she comes back apologising but its never going to happen...
Sorry to ramble on - but it's an issue close to my heart.

shezzie

the only way to solve this then for both sides is to hit straight on - even if it means going to her home - bring your husband for support - though try to get stronger beofre you go - you have nothing to lose if all ye get is a few texts - sit her down face to face tell her exactly how you feel and while your open to text/letters/calls/ meet ups you will not in no uncertain terms put up with her arranging meet up and not following through that you have feelings and whether she realises or not she is hurting and affecting you badly with this level of negativity..

i am adopted i totally know how you feel whether i have met my birth mother or not - i have gotten very depressed on this subject it interferred with everything especially relationships that didn't understand or wanna be there it was too much for em - so i do understand all the emotions feelings of neglect and then have dealt with some narromw minded a**hol*s calling me all sorts of ignorant names.


since i got my non identifying information i have gone through alot of hurt as she has three other children i have one brother and two sisters always wanted a sister now i have two and dont know them she holds all the cards and its not fair - but i had to have a good look at myself and decide that i wasnt going to let it rule my life any more and gain some inner strength cause it was nearly ruining another relationship - look to the furure no matter with your birth mother in or out of your life but if you keep kicking yourself over and over bout adoption etc its going to ruin you on the inside this stuff only remains inside for so long and when it explodes which it envarably does its like a volcanoe...i wish you all the luck

if you wanna private message me to chat no problem

The_Conductor

Seriously advise you do not go for the confrontational approach with all guns blazing- I cannot see how this could possibly achieve anything whatsoever.....

I know where Shezzie is coming from- I've been there, all the way to hell, and never quite back again- I've 5 half siblings who I'll probably never meet either. I just don't see how trying to address it head-on will help. It might make you feel better that you are taking action- but the implications of that action could be literally anything at all......

I'm not sure that continuing contact and responding to letters/cards with texts is necessarily showing that she cares- I've come to the conclusion that it could simply be a feeling of obligation- possibly she knows the hurt that many adopted people feel about being adopted, full stop- regardless of how great an upbrining adoptive parents gave us- and is simply maintaining this minimum contact so as to not cut ties, as it were?

It might be helpful to PM Shezzie and get her thoughts- or PM me and get mine (obviously we are looking at this from different angles)- if you're happy to continue posting here instead do so- it may help someone else in the future?

Best wishes,

Shane

sanj2408

Hi Lynsalot, just read your post and Im so sorry things didnt work out well.
Making contact with a birthmother is very hard and to be knocked back like that can only make it worse.
I think that counselling is very important for adoptees and natural parents because you can often not have any idea how you REALLY feel about these things and sometimes counselling can help.
My mum sent me for counselling quite soon after I found out who my birthmom was and it really helped. I got my head in order before I contacted her.
Maybe you should take a step back for a while and look after yourself?
Maybe she has issues that she needs to look after and if you leave things for a while she might just come around.

My experience is a little different in that I don't want the contact with my birthmom or her family in that way so Im afraid I don't know exactly how you feel but if you need to speak to someone you can pm me.

mary70

Just read this thread. Hope you are feeling a little better. It's a very difficult one for you. I know somebody who is NOT adopted but has fallen out with her mother, who is a very difficult person. This has gone on for 3 years but the mother is a very manipulative and nasty woman. I suppose you never know all the factors at play in somebody's mind. You take good care.

little_miss_sun

Hi Lynsalot,

Hope your feeling better. This might seem harsh advice but I'd stop contacting her. Don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I'd let her approach you and move on with yourself. I know that's easier said then done but dwelling on the past is so time consuming and I'm sure some of the time you feel knackered dwelling on it.

I'm not adopted but I use to dwell on things so much like lying awake at night and punching the pillow because I'd be so annoyed with myself.

I just learned to say feck it!!! It took me 10 years to get to this point but I'm here now. I follow the logic of treat people how you'd like to be treated and if they don't treat you how you should be treated then feck it. I move on, grow stronger and hold my head up high.

WillieCocker

little_miss_sun wrote: »

Hi Lynsalot,

Hope your feeling better. This might seem harsh advice but I'd stop contacting her. Don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I'd let her approach you and move on with yourself. I know that's easier said then done but dwelling on the past is so time consuming and I'm sure some of the time you feel knackered dwelling on it.

I'm not adopted but I use to dwell on things so much like lying awake at night and punching the pillow because I'd be so annoyed with myself.

I just learned to say feck it!!! It took me 10 years to get to this point but I'm here now. I follow the logic of treat people how you'd like to be treated and if they don't treat you how you should be treated then feck it. I move on, grow stronger and hold my head up high.

+1

The_Conductor

little_miss_sun wrote: »

Hi Lynsalot,

Hope your feeling better. This might seem harsh advice but I'd stop contacting her. Don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I'd let her approach you and move on with yourself. I know that's easier said then done but dwelling on the past is so time consuming and I'm sure some of the time you feel knackered dwelling on it.

I'm not adopted but I use to dwell on things so much like lying awake at night and punching the pillow because I'd be so annoyed with myself.

I just learned to say feck it!!! It took me 10 years to get to this point but I'm here now. I follow the logic of treat people how you'd like to be treated and if they don't treat you how you should be treated then feck it. I move on, grow stronger and hold my head up high.

I can see where you're coming from- but I don't think that its relevant to the OP to be perfectly honest. No matter how you know in your head that you have to move on- the birthmother is the OP's birthmother- and will forever be. Its difficult enough to come to terms with adoption- but the very knowledge that your mother is out there- and after all the emotion, time, effort and self, put into finding her- to feel that you're effectively being rejected again, can be gut wrenching.

I can empathise with the OP on many levels- I can also see what she should do, and possibly may do- but even if she does break off contact- her mother, her half sister, any other siblings- will be constantly on her mind.

Going to counselling and recognising why these people are behaving as they are behaving, is only a first step- it doesn't excuse their behaviour, or make it hurt any less. Recognising why you feel so hurt yourself- is the next logical step- its a journey of education though- rather than one of forgiveness or healing for the hurt.

Best wishes to you lynsalot

SMcCarrick

PaulieD

Ignore her, get on with your life without her.

The_Conductor

PaulieD wrote: »

Ignore her, get on with your life without her.

You're taking an incredibly arbitrary approach- life isn't black and white. Obviously the OP's birthmum is seriously traumatised by the whole adoption process- which is actually more normal than many people would like to admit. The form of limited contact in place at present- is most probably her attempt to maintain an open channel without committing herself to anything more than the bare minimum.

If you wanted to delve deeper- its very possible that she sees a lot of herself and what she might have been- in her daughter- and subconsciously is lashing out.

Its entirely up to the OP the extent of the contact that she continues with- but it would be very helpful for all concerned to attend adoption counselling.

lynsalot

Hi Steve
Thanks for posting. The thread was started so long ago I was surprised when I got the email notifications. You know I went to counselling. Back to the agency in sth anne street but they're a charity run organisation and told me since my case was closed they didn't offer an ongoing counselling service. They saw me once and suggested writing to her for my own piece of mind. And yes this helped me but not the situation. Birth mum just said she thought she'd apologised and didn't understand why i was still bringing it up. Fact was she hadn't apologised and hasn't changed her behaviour.

I think it's very difficult for ppl to understand how hard it is. It's like picking a scab. You can't stop yourself. At the moment i'm not too bothered. I've more going on in my life than worrying about her but at the same time it's still part of me. I never tell anyone i'm adopted or if i do it's like a big dark secret like admitting i used to be a junkie or something but i'm trying to be more open because it shouldn't be a secret. i want ppl around me to know even for my own sake. i was going away with bm a few years ago and ppl would ask who i was going away with i would say a friend. I should've been honest. Because now ppl don't understand how certain situations make me feel. My close friends and family know the whole story but i feel alienated in other groups. Esp if ppl are making flippant comments about being adopted or joking about stuff.

it's so good to have this forum and other's opinions it's helped me so much. i do think i should leave her to her own devices. I've nothing to be ashamed of. I've acted honourably throughout and if I break contact then it's not my fault. I need to get on with my life. I haven't spoken to her since Xmas and I plan to keep it this way. Haven't heard from her since feb. Couldn't be bothered. I am married a year and half and have a whole family of in laws who i love to bits. They're enough for me. I looked for b dad out of curiosity but the agency have run out of money and wrote to me to say they wouldn't be persuing any more traces at this time.

One other thing... are there any groups you know of where i can go and meet other ppl who've gone through similar things. Like a once a month group in the city centre. There seems to be very little help for adoptees in Ireland... face to face.

Thanks again for posting. I really appreciate it!!! How's cathymoran these days? Read her story a little while ago on another thread. hope she's keeping well.

shezzie

yes this is a good forum to chat to people in same situation - i went for a meeting for all those effected by adoption a few weeks ago and it was very refreshing to be able to chat so freely my situation and my thoughts and feelings - there is another one lynsolot saturday the 27th - not sure of venue yet i think its jurys on parnell street at 2 though smccarrick could tell you more on that

its great you can progress in body mind and soul with your situation - i have found my birth mother her family name marriage name her husband died a few years ago but i found 2 of 3 children - yet to make direct contact but that will be another time for me still trying to get the confindence..

keep up the confident outlook as you said you are married now and have your own life to get on with though i wouldnt totally cut her out i would keep the door open and friendly...but i wouldnt be waiting at the door to open it readily either - it that makes sense

maybe you should try to go to that meeting it may help you to talk more openly to others face to face and remember you have no reason to feel embarrased or ashamed as you said in your post it does feel like you are discussing a dirty old secret like drugs or something but we are not a dirty secret and should embrace who and what we are....

as i always say keep the faith (not to attain to religion just outlook in life)

if you ever wanna chat pm me

lynsalot

Thanks Shezzie

I'd love to go to that meeting. i'm actually away that weekend but are there any more? I've been looking for a group meeting for a while now... parnell st is very close for me. I hope there's more. Who organises them?

tyview

hi I know its been a while but does anyone know if there are any meetings coming up??

The_Conductor

Saturday the 29th in the meeting room upstairs in Jury's Hotel, Parnell Street, D1 @ 2PM

Collette is organising it. Details (and a lot of other info) is on the Yahoo list.

If you'd like to subscribe to the Yahoo list- its here

tyview

thanks shane