Boy, oh boy!

cherry_cupcake

Hey!

Have a problem with this guy I like.

Whenever he's drunk, he's really open about how much he likes me and wants us to be together, but when he's sober, he's really shy.

He's asked me out on dates, and vice versa but the plans ALWAYS fall through.
Seems like he panics at the last minute and just makes up silly excuses.

He's mentioned other guys before - he invited me to his house, then said I probably wouldn't show up - when I asked why he thought that, he said "because you probably have loads of other guys after you"

So I think the issue is him feeling insecure regarding me getting male attention... and his own shyness.


We ended up in the same bar a while ago and ended up hooking up. He told me how he wanted things to be proper this time, how he wanted us to be together etc ...
Then he text me the next day saying

"I can't do this"

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice for me?

I know most of you will probably advise me to walk away, but I feel like there must be something I can do.

honru

Address the insecurity issue and enquire further, then give your perspective. Tell him how you feel when he acts in such a way without pointing any fingers.

Besides that, there's not much else you can do. He has to make the choice to change his behaviour, and the only one who can truly do that is himself.

Nervous Wreck

You're gonna need to talk to him soberly and during the daytime. Call over to his house, sit down with him and just lay it out. "Look, I like you and I know you're shy but if you wanna be together, we can do this.." then give him a little kiss to show him yer serious and let the conversation run its course. As the above poster says, if he can't deal with his insecurities, you can't force him. I suggest you try something along the lines of what I've said and if he's still opposed, you'll have to leave it.... Good luck.

cherry_cupcake

Good idea.

He's in my college, so I might just try and grab him for a chat at some stage!

I'm really nervous about addressing the whole thing, but it has to be done!
I'm just scared to put my feelings out there...

Pyr0

It doesn't have to be a mad serious conversation, don't sit him down away from everyone and go "We need to talk..". Bring it up casually in a conversation, act confident and make it look like it's not a serious issue with you at all. I'm sure he'd feel more comfortable if you act like his shyness doesn't bother you that much and that'd you'd like to give things a go etc etc

shellyboo

Is this the same thread as the 'problem with computer nerds' one? Sounds like it.

I said it in that thread and I'll say it here... headwrecker. He's playing games, steer well clear.

Wibbs

TBH it sounds like drink may increase his beer goggles or libido and he knows you're up for it, so that's when this guff comes out. Yep headwrecker. Either way and loathe though I am to type this; he's just not that into you.

LegacyUser

I understand how you feel in thinking there must be something you're able to do. Personally I also tend to be of the opinion that things said when drunk are often a better reflection of character than things said when sober.

However, even if this guy is genuinely insecure and needs someone (doesn't have to be you) to help with it, it's still no good for you if he's going to be using that insecurity as a Get Out Of Jail Free card, with which he can escape from a relationship at any time. Don't get yourself into that.

Make it clear that you're interested and that you think he's good enough for you (although not in as simple phrasing as that). But also tell him, and tell yourself, that if he keeps on saying 'I can't do this' you're going to start believing him very soon.

cantdecide

Maybe your first date should be to go for a walk or something low pressure??

You obviously like him but if you can accept what he's saying at face value, you're going to have to take the lead, IMO. I was crushingly shy when it came to matters of the heart when I was around your age. I'd lay my cards on the table if you want to be with him and you think he wants to be with you. Tell him you like him but he runs hot and cold and your nerves are shot.

I do agree that it's possible that he may not be into you in the cold light of day but it's up to you to find out what he's really thinking if you want to pursue it.

LegacyUser

I used to think in vino veritas, however my ex always told me he wanted to be with me and only me and would then tell me he wanted marriage etc. Then went and screwed two people also while drunk. So I'm very careful about interpreting drunken statements as a result!
It COULD be that when he's drunk its the only time he's disinhibited enough to tell you his true feelings for real. Though if they were strong enough a sober chat initiated by you about the whole thing should see them said with just as much fervour again.