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Jokes

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  • 17-03-2009 1:09pm
    #1
    coldfire1x
    Registered Users Posts: 3,354 ✭✭✭


    Early shopping trip

    It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

    "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.

    "Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?"

    "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

    The stranded lawyers

    Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
    The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food.
    Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue
    boat coming.

    One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't
    believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're
    hallucinating and you should come down right now."

    So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a
    naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

    The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a
    few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

    The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on
    this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we
    should....you know..... screw her?"

    The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked...
    "Out of what?"

    In divorce court

    A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
    The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
    "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

    "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

    The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story
    house?"

    The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is
    **It's that time of the month!** "

    Tasty Lawyer

    The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file
    when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in
    front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

    The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear
    tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front
    tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

    The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear
    tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks
    the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

    The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my
    mouth!"

    Say That Again

    It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible
    escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence,
    told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

    When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it
    true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a
    certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private
    golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"

    She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

    Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"

    Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

    A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex
    lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

    St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had
    to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

    St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and
    agreed to check on his case.

    After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son...

    We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and
    you're at least 108 years old!"


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