I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman

coldfire1x

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas
is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas
Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.
24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute
shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if
he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no
reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where
the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows
up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying
weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not
a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's
version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

beertons

Very good!

mathew

but.. but... women cant drive cars.. never mind sleighs that have the extra up-down dimension....
:rolleyes:

gerTheGreat

coldfire1x wrote: »

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Ah, now. Surely women would be more offended by a comment like this.

That said, I like it. Good joke.

Splainc

let's see how we get on here then..........

coldfire1x wrote: »

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas
is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!

men are very good at pulling things off.........

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas
Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.
24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute
shopping spree.

santa/father christmas delivers all his presents in one night, as if he can invoke some sort of "Ebenezerian Time Warp"

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if
he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

boys get cool toys like transformers, racing cars, space suits, toy guns etc. girls get prams/dolls/kitchens........

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no
reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

the elves look after the reindeer

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where
the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

as he is on "Ebenezerian Time Warp" time it does not matter how many times he gets lost......

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.

elves again

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

they simply dont care and if, going by the movie, it was picked out by his wife

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

men love being bigger/stronger than other people

- Men don't answer their mail.

did santa ever write back to you....?

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

because my female friends love it when i laugh at how fat they are.......

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

men would stick their stuff in anywhere....

- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

....?

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

no commitment was ever made. you have a copy of the documentation? ever hear of a christmas ring?

Aodan83

Splainc wrote: »

let's see how we get on here then..........

Well played, good sir! Good joke though OP( joke being the operative word here!)

Splainc

Aodan83 wrote: »

Well played, good sir! Good joke though OP( joke being the operative word here!)

why thank you

(bows)

(bows again)

(to the delight of the crowd goes and bows an unprecedented third time)