Read these rules before attempting any D.I.Y.!

jochenstacker

Rule 1: The desirability of an event occurring is in direct, inverse proportion to it's probability.


Rule 2: Any task will take at least twice as long and will cost at least a third more.
The upper limit of time and money is open, the lower isn't.


Any tool bought to save time will take two to three times longer to locate than the amount of time it would have saved you in the first place.


As soon as a tool has been bought to make a job easier it will be a daily obstacle and annoyance, until it is actually needed, when it will immediately disappear never to be seen again.
It will stay lost until a replacement is purchased, only to reappear immediately.
It will then resume it's duty of being a daily obstacle and annoyance.


Should a tool immediately fall to hand for it's intended purpose, it will either break or turn out to be the wrong tool after all.


If purchasing a tool, it doesn't matter how long and hard you shop for it, as soon as it's bought it will be on sale for half the price elsewhere.


Any job that actually is accomplished within the estimated time to completion or less, will have a flaw at it's very heart, forcing you to start over again, thus proving rule number 2.


Any job completed within budget will have a hardware failure pushing it to the one third price overrun described in rule 2.


Any job easy enough to do yourself isn't.


Any job within your budget isn't.


Any project, once completed in twice the time and a third more expensive, will turn out to be either useless or at least not nearly as useful as first estimated.


No amount of research and preparation can prevent this, only adding to the overall time and cost.


The fact that some people get everything right first time, every time and never spend more is not a contradiction to these rules, this only happens to deepen the misery for normal people who have to abide by these rules.

ART6

Good stuff and valuable advice! Can I add a few?

Thumbs were added by God to the male anatomy with the sole purpose of coming between hammers and nails.

Swearing at the tool or item that caused you injury will have no effect on it whatever and will not make you feel better. It is simply the innate hostility of the inanimate object.

Women have an inherited belief that males are hunters and are, therefore, able to assemble shelves. Why they compare hunting with shelves is a mystery, but it remains that once they are disillusioned they will have no faith in your DIY ability ever again.

All masonry nails are designed to bend and collapse in the last quarter of an inch of their being driven.

All battery powered tools will lose charge at the most critical point of the project, irrespective of how long they have been charged beforehand,

Tape measures do not easily conform to human psychology, which is why a dimension measured as 50 cm was actually 50 inches. Dual printing of imperial and metric markings is designed cynically to remove the DIY enthusiast from the professional market.

Hand mixing cement powder and sand to make mortar defies the laws of physics, which is why after several minutes of mixing, as soon as the water is added brown blobs of unmixed sand will appear.

It is an unwritten law of the universe that whatever Rawlplug you are attempting to use, the only drills you will have will be the wrong size. The one your knew you had will have gone walkabout with Rolf Harris

And finally---The plank cut six times was still too short....Oooooh:D

Respect to the OP. This could develop into an interesting thread?

quietsailor

From something i heard in America "Best spoken aloud in an American accent"

Son, all you need is duct tape and WD-40;
If it moves and it shouldn't -- duct tape it,
if it doesn't move and it should --WD-40 will fix it

2 stroke

When purchassing any type of pipe, always check both the ID and the OD.

If the ID is greater than the OD, reject it, as this pipe is inside out.

ART6

2 stroke wrote: »

When purchassing any type of pipe, always check both the ID and the OD.

If the ID is greater than the OD, reject it, as this pipe is inside out.

Excellent:D:D

And: A pipe, the length of which is less than its diameter, is a washer.

jack of all

Another one: the average DIY plumbing repair will necessitate at least three trips to the hardware store- been there!

JuliusCaesar

and - as soon as you have everything ready and have struggled into your disposable overalls, an essential component will be found to be missing.

By the time you realise it cannot be found, the shops will be closed.

Dilbert75

quietsailor wrote: »

From something i heard in America "Best spoken aloud in an American accent"

Son, all you need is duct tape and WD-40;
If it moves and it shouldn't -- duct tape it,
if it doesn't move and it should --WD-40 will fix it

Irish version - the fitter's motto: if it moves, weld it. If it doesn't move, bate it till it moves, then weld it.

jochenstacker

Certainly true. Went to a so called "proper" exhaust place to exchange the catalytic converter on my car.
Was told they where just gonna grind the whole system out with an anglegrinder and weld everything into one solid pipe.
Great, except if you ever going to replace anything else, all you can do is grind and weld again.
And if you do that enough, you can throw away the entire system, including manifold.
The moral: don't just give your car to anyone, and this wasn't a cowboy, it was a proper glass and exhaust specialist in Ennis.
Took it home, took the system out myself, it was only the cat, not the backbox. Had to cut the bit I took out, a friend welded it for me and i reinstalled it.
Passed the emissions test for the NCT and the whole thing cost me abot €130 for a new catalytic converter.
Had I gone to the "proper" place, they would have butchered the whole system and charged me in excess of €700 for thr "privilege"