Basement Families

irishbegrudger

(taken from www.rant.ie)

"The danger is that he will re-offend if untreated.” So said Austrian psychiatrist Adelheid Kastner today at the conclusion of the trial of Josef Fritzl. Re-offend? RE-OFFEND? I’m sorry, but if prison authorities are lax enough to allow Fritzl heavy-duty drilling equipment into his cell, they’re simply asking for trouble. Personally, I’d have him permanently tethered to a Hannibal Lector gurney. Upon his death, I would then clone him and permanently strap his clone to the gurney (I’d foresee this cycle of madness continuing for several millennia, until future generations inevitably concluded that “society” was the real monster all along).

Question-marks over Fritzl’s rehabilitation prospects are nothing new. In exchange for full co-operation with the police, he reportedly made three requests upon his arrest:

1. a ground level cell
2. use of a JCB and some pile-driving equipment
3. the visitation of a small family

A motion to grant these requests was narrowly defeated by a panel of supreme court judges (the final count was 4 to 3), and Fritzl was instead made cellmate of two general populace prisoners. On arrival, guards report that Fritzl carefully surveyed his new companions, placed a sticker reading ‘upstairs’ on the forehead of one, a sticker reading ‘downstairs’ on the other, and set about gnawing a divot in the ground with his bare teeth.

But was Fritzl just the tip of the iceberg? Nascent studies suggest the ‘Basement Family’ phenomena may be entrenched deeper within the Austrian psyche than first thought. Fritzl’s closing statement…

“Let he who has not imprisoned a family in his basement, cast the first stone”

…spurred a wave of visible squirming and awkward, diversionary whistling (of no recognisable tune) throughout the court assembly. Similarly, trial transcripts show defence counsel’s opening gambit…

“Objection your honour, the man merely imprisoned his family”

…came astonishingly close to being sustained. The judge mulled for several seconds before overruling.

Grabbing few headlines (scandalously, in my opinion), has been the avalanche of further basement families unearthed all over Austria. In one disturbing case, the basement family were themselves found to have their own sub-basement family hidden beneath. Police were especially disappointed in the upper-basement family, who one officer stated “should really have known better.”

Furthermore, forensics officers yesterday reported discovery of what appears to be a ‘trapdoor’ or ‘hatch’ in the sub-basement. Police would not be drawn into speculation about whether the hatch leads to a sub-sub-basement, and therefore potentially a sub-sub-basement family. Lead investigator Jurgen Boltz did however concede that the situation “doesn’t look good.”

Asked to comment on the potential depth of such multi-basement waterfalls, mid-ranking geologist Hans Gurgel claimed they would “unlikely pierce the earth’s crust,” citing the logistical nightmare of constructing basements in the molten lava of the earth’s Upper Mantle. That said, Gurgel didn’t rule out the possibility that basements might as easily span sideways as downward, allowing for great, thick honeycombs of basements. Supporters of the honeycomb theory estimate that Austria’s eight million population may eventually revise upward to several hundred million, if not a billion.

What vexes me still about the Fritzl case, is his wife Rosemarie. How did he throw her off the scent for twenty-four years? What manner of oily chicanery did he bamboozle her with?

Her: Josef, you’ve been spending a lot of time in the basement.
Him: I told you, I only go down there to think about how much I love you.
Her: Wow, you must love me a lot. It’s just that, I’ve been hearing noises.
Him: That’s mice.
Her: Sounds bigger than mice.
Him: I also have a pet monkey.
Her: You have a monkey in the basement?
Him: Yes.
Her: Can I see it?
Him: Out of the question.
Her: Why?
Him: He has rabies.
Her: Isn’t that dangerous?
Him: I imagine it would be. Which is to say, yes, it is.
Her: Ok, but the noises sound like voices.
Him: The monkey sometimes turns on the radio. And I have a parrot too, I think.
Her: You think you have a parrot?
Him: Ok then, no. Just the first thing. The monkey turns on the radio.
Her: No parrot?
Him: No, just a monkey.
Her: Why did you say you had a parrot then?
Him: I was thinking of the monkey. It came out wrong.
Her: Well, is all the food for the monkey? You take sacks full down.
Him: I eat it.
Her: All of it?
Him: Yes.
Her: But you put on no weight?
Him: I eat it and then throw up later.
Her: So you’re bulimic?
Him: Apparently.
Her: That’s terrible. Why did you never tell me?
Him: It’s literally hard to say.
Her: But what about all the furniture? You’ve brought down tables, chairs…
Him: Furniture? You’re crazy.
Her: I’m sure you have. And a cooker, a fridge, a sink. A whole kitchen really.
Him: Ok psycho, if you say so.
Her: And a toilet, and a shower.
Him: Cuckoo, Cuckoo.
Her: I’m just trying to understand…
Him: Ok, I’ll come clean. I’ve enslaved our daughter and a bunch of kids down there.
Her: Now you’re making fun of me.
Him: Jesus woman, what do you want from me?
Her: The truth.
Him: You want the truth?
Her: Yes, and don’t tell me I can’t handle the truth.
Him: I don’t get the reference. This is 1991, and A Few Good Men won’t be out for another year.
Her: What?
Him: What?
Her: You were about to tell me the truth?
Him: Fine. Truth is…truth is, I’m dying Rosemarie.
Her: Oh my God, are you Ok?
Him: What are you deaf? No I’m not Ok, I’m dying.
Her: Dying of what?
Him: A very rare disease.
Her: What has this got to do with the basement?
Him: You see…the disease, it…it…ah to hell with this. STAY OUT OF THAT BASEMENT WOMAN, OR SO HELP ME, I’LL TEAR YOU A NEW ARSE.

Slick, eh? Nobody could have spotted the seams. I hope she's not beating herself up over it (cough).