The Grass is Greener Syndrome

LegacyUser

The Grass is Greener Syndrome - I just read an article that pretty much accurately describes my OH's behaviour recently, here it is if anyone wants to read it, they describe it better than I could:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=247013

He basically started looking out for someone new before we had ended. He talked about marriage then suddenly said we were on a break, and then a week later said he didn't love me anymore. I had to find out through other people that he was arranging dates on his days off instead of arranging to see the children and even though he told me we were getting back together. I was taking care of our kids and going through a difficult pregnancy so I admit that it probably hit me harder than he expected. I was a complete mess. He sort of started rubbing it in my face then and acted like a completely different person. It was kind of scary to see, he was like a stranger overnight.

He couldn't answer why he was doing the things he did, I was pregnant when he did it and I now feel like the echoes of it will always haunt me. I actually thought we were at our happiest point, things were going so well for us all and it was suddenly whipped out from under me without any kind of an explanation. So confusing. It seriously messed up my head and right now I'm still trying to get over how hurt I was but I can't honestly say that I will ever get over it. I hope I'm wrong. It sounds silly but I feel a bit...traumatised by the whole thing.

He is sort of trying to make things up but in reality he wants me to get over it like now and act as if nothing ever happened. I wish I could. It's the vagueness about it all that gets to me. And the lies. I value honesty and loyalty very highly so it irks me that I was (in my eyes) made a fool out of and lied to. And I'm embarrassed by it too. Everybody knows about it. He is back in the home now but I know that some people think I'm an idiot to take him back. He feels like I'm over-reacting. It's a lot more complicated and longer than this post and I think I do need to talk through it all with someone (he refuses to talk to me about it) but I'll stop moaning now.

So this is my question/s. Can a relationship work after it has been broken up in this way? Can you ever trust them again? Do they come back because it's easier that way?? Is it reasonable to expect to get over it and act like a normal couple again without always being afraid that the same thing will happen again? Can things ever be the same again?

I think I just want to hear from both sides of the fence as to whether it can work, why it happens and can it be prevented? I don't know...anything.

ellie1

My personal choice would be to walk. I would find the embarressment , shame and pure dickheadness of such a man too difficult to live with. However , It is your choice and these things are made more difficult by the fact that you have children , finances , living arrangements and are preganant or have just had a baby. How dare he presume you can just get on with it. What an arrogant asshole he is to be carrying on like this when you are pregnant. He makes my blood boil and i dont even know him.

Answers to your questions.
Can a relationship work after it has been broken up in this way? I think it can but would take a lot of work. He would need to be very honest to why this has happened. Time can heal a lot.

Can you ever trust them again? You could learn to trust him again but only if he acknowledges the hurt and pain and anguish he has caused to you. you need to go to counselling sepretly for you and maybe toether for both of you.

Do they come back because it's easier that way?? Sometimes people do come back to relationships because it is easier. Maybe he recognised that he really loved you or maybe he is just a selfish swine you realised he can have his cake and eat it with you.

Is it reasonable to expect to get over it and act like a normal couple again without always being afraid that the same thing will happen again? No, its unresonable to expect to just get over it. He choose to change things in the relationship. You may be afraid forever or you may be able to move on somewhat from this.

Can things ever be the same again? things can never be the same again. That dosent necessarily mean they will be worse. It will never go back to the way it was.

I think I just want to hear from both sides of the fence as to whether it can work, why it happens and can it be prevented? you did nothing wrong. What he did was selfish and ****ed up. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and care like anybody eles. You cant prevent people acting like knob jockeys however you can build up your own self esteem and recognise that you deserve much much better than the way this man has treated you and continues to treat you...

Wagon

I'll be honest, your boyfriend is a wanker.

- He left you when you were pregnant.
- He cancelled time for his own kids to go out and meet other women.
- He expects you to just forget about it.
- He won't talk about it.

He doesn't sound like someone who values you really. Sure people go through bad patches it's part of life but it can only be solved if you both wotk through it together. He isn't doing that so by logic, he'll probably do it again.

Kimia

i went out with someone years ago that this happened to me with.

I just didn't fancy him anymore - I know that sounds so cruel but it was the truth and I was so unhappy for about a year before I ended it. Literally miserable - depressed, in bad form a lot, hated my life etc.

It wasn't his fault - he was the same as he always was. Maybe it was mine or maybe it was nobodys - maybe it just happens sometimes. It's heartbreaking for both.

The only advice I would give you is to keep your dignity and walk away gracefully as the article says.

Once you stop fancying someone (especially after being with them for years) you don't turn around and start fancying them again. Just doesn't happen.

thegame

Kimia wrote: »

i went out with someone years ago that this happened to me with.

I just didn't fancy him anymore - I know that sounds so cruel but it was the truth and I was so unhappy for about a year before I ended it. Literally miserable - depressed, in bad form a lot, hated my life etc.

It wasn't his fault - he was the same as he always was. Maybe it was mine or maybe it was nobodys - maybe it just happens sometimes. It's heartbreaking for both.

The only advice I would give you is to keep your dignity and walk away gracefully as the article says.

Once you stop fancying someone (especially after being with them for years) you don't turn around and start fancying them again. Just doesn't happen.

thats what i wondered,when the person breaks up with you can they fancy you again,i always wished they did.but as you say it doesnt happen.:(

Kimia

I don't think so. I would move on because even though it is horrible now, you will find someone who is absolutely MAD about you and fancies you like crazy.

You deserve that and not someone who is wishy washy.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your replies, you have given me a lot to think about. It's a bit of a relief to have someone acknowledge that it is a big deal to be honest.

At the moment, it seems impossible to make a clean break which I think I would need to put things behind me. He is so persuasive and believable when he makes promises and the like but I probably still want them to be true. I actually feel guilty writing all of this, like I'm betraying him and I know how ridiculous I sound saying that. I feel under pressure from extended families who all expect me to stand by him now. Since I've written the original post, he has suddenly been on the offensive, trying to convince me that he loves me and won't hurt me again so maybe he senses how bad it really is.

I just want the raw feelings to go away so I can think clearly and be confident in the path I take. I am terrified of making the wrong choice and screwing up the children's lives. My confidence and self esteem are both at an all-time low so I suppose I'm going to doubt myself no matter what, right now. I'm blaming him and angry at the person he turned me into - a weak, pathetic mess - but I'm the one who let myself become this way. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and get a grip. I'm afraid that I'll never let it go no matter what happens and that I'll end up all bitter and twisted.

Again, thanks for the input, I really appreciate it as it is definitely helping me see things from another perspective.