Where do I fit in?

Rick_

needhelpguy, you only see that because all the gay websites are mostly for guys looking a fcuk. Try Gay Parship for meeting guys who aren't looking to shag around, we do exist cos I'm one of them. I don't do the shag around thing and would love to be in a LTR with the one guy and live a wonderful life together. Just a shame that the vast majority of gay men think with their dicks. Sadly.

Just don't tar all of us with the same brush when it comes to forming opinions. Same goes to you Trooper. Just get talking to other guys and you will son find yourself loosening up and getting into it more. It is a scary prospect but it HAS to be done. The longer you leave it then the more of a realisation it will be that "I should have done this ages ago". You don't have to come out and tell anyone, but making contact and at least trying to have some sort of a gay life, whether it's just chatting to other gay guys or meeting up with them, is something you need to do, for your own sake.

I'm the straightest gay man you'll meet. I would consider myself to be quite straight in terms of mannerisms, desires for life and attitude, the only thing is that I prefer to do anything sexual with another guy. Everyone that I have told were shocked when I said it but none of them cared. Some family know too, but not my parents, again, no-one gave a damn. They only wanted whats best for me and as long as I was happy, then they were. You AREN'T happy in your current situation, and maybe telling people won't make you that much happier, but if you do tell someone then that's one less person to feel awkward around and you can chat to a bit more about subjects you wern't comfortable about before. The more you do that the less nervous you will feel. It ain't gonna happen overnight but if you don't at least try then you will be stuck in this self-hating state for a long time and you only have yourself to blame, and you WILL regret it if you never do anything about it or leave it until it's far too late...

Again, if you want to chat personally, feel free to PM me or ask for my MSN details and we can chat on there if you like.

Creadak

Okay, so my input stuffs....

*thinks of way to word it all...*

Let's start with my story.

I've been there, the whole, I'm gay but not attracted to anyone around me.
Somethings you should know about me are:
MY SEXUALITY IS FLUID
I'M 17, NEARLY 18
I'M A METAL LOVER
AND
I'M NOT STEREOTYPICAL



About 3 years ago I realised that I'm not straight, that was hard, as I'd been teased about it since I was 7 (just the usual schoolyard crap really). For two years I kept it inside, telling noone while I was still at school and then at college noone gave a ****. I just casually mention, "oh he's hot", or "she's quite pretty" and no one bats an eyelid.

But, in the two years that I spent hiding this thing away, I became more and more mentally unstable, to the point where I had to admit to myself, that, yes I was depressed and no, the 15 scars on my arms and one big one on my leg that says "LIES" were not just for fun. I had to fight the depression on my own because, was already hiding the scars from my parents, and I couldn't face the shame of telling them I was depressed. I forced myself into a circle of self degradation that has only leveled off in the last few months and for the first time in seventeen years, I am truly happy with m new friends in college, who accept me for me.

You may see the whole coming out thing as a bit scary, but even one person who had known how I was feeling could've helped me stop cutting earlier(its not easy to go swimming anymore without people seeing the scars ). Even the gay friend you talked about would more than likely be extremely helpful to you. Coming out isn't supposed to be a "I'm here, I'm queer etc...." thing, its supposed to be a gradual process to help you build a support network around yourself. My only regret about life so far is not building that network sooner.

On the subject of your gay friend, how did your other friends react when they found out, because then you know how they'll react if you were to come out. Its all about gradual stuff. I don't think anyone one here has said that it has to happen overnight.

Anyways, that's my bit of input. Sorry about the repeated mentions of coming out, but I see the same sort of thing in you that I saw in myself a few years back. And I really don't want anyone to go through what I went through if I can help in anyway.

Craig

Cabbage Brained

needhelpguy wrote: »

Cheesy question but how many gay people here have found love? Real love, not the "i want to bang you" love (i.e. lust).

Like The Trooper, I am having similar feelings and doubts. This is one of my main fears if I came out. One of the other main ones is if I was out, I cannot see myself ever really settling down forever with one person like traditional hetrosexual couples, because I simply haven't see many examples of it in gay couples. I don't want to be that sad 50 year old single guy prowling a gay bar looking for a bit of youth secretly knowing I'll probably die alone.

Ok bad example but you know what I mean. Another stereotype perhaps, but I have seen little evidence that homosexual couples are/can be as successful long term as straight couples.

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055374921

You guys need to get out more, seriously. Life is short, you're a quarter of the way through it already. You're gay, and always will be. Deal with it or die unhappy.

Reflector

just a quick note on straight acting. How does one define this term. Someone who acts straight. But in reality what you claim is that you are masculine and a "real man". This term can mean many things but in my opinion maleness does not necessarily mean you don't prance around with a limp wrist and a lisp. Maleness involves being ambitious, self assured, confident, strong of body and or mind, cocky, independent.
Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not manly, it's self destructive and so many gay men waste time doing this. Spiralling into depression and sometimes even down the road of self harm. Everyone here is telling you to come out. they know what they are talking about as they have all been in a similar frame of mind before. It doesn't have to be to your parents. To a friend or even a councellor who is non-judgemental and is a professional. Be brave and begin the steps to acceptance. You already admit that you are gay so why not start on the path. Whatever you decide to do I hope that you find what you are looking for.

TheTrooper

Reflector wrote: »

just a quick note on straight acting. How does one define this term. Someone who acts straight. But in reality what you claim is that you are masculine and a "real man". This term can mean many things but in my opinion maleness does not necessarily mean you don't prance around with a limp wrist and a lisp. Maleness involves being ambitious, self assured, confident, strong of body and or mind, cocky, independent.

Well I would never have thought those to be male specific traits. Are you saying that you wouldn't associate abition, self assurance, confidence, independence etc. as traits women would have?

By straight acting I mean what you said: Not prancing around with a limp wrist and a lisp. So if a guy comes up to you, as camp as the day is long, wearing a dress and some make-up, yet had all the traits you described, you would still define that guy as manly?

Sort of straying from the topic at hand here though, sorry. I know what you guys are saying though. Coming out would relieve a load of stress, but you are right, I am afraid. Why shouldn't I be? Saying those three words "I am gay" would change my whole life. Now that sort of decision shouldn't be taken lightly!

If you knew what I was like, you'd know that I do not take risks, I have very little confidence and even thinking about coming out would probably drive me insane!

Maybe, if I take some of your advice, such as going to one of those meetings, or maybe PMing some of you, it might help me know where I fit in... eventually.

Rick_

Maybe it will, but you have to take the first step. No good everyone here telling you all this advice and then ignoring it or just saying "I can't".

YOU came here looking for help, no-one forced you - which shows that you do want to get out of the rut you're currently in, so any feelings of "I can't" or "I'm afraid" are just knee-jerk reactions due to pre-conceived notions you already have in your head. You might not have the confidence now, but in time you will. You just need to take the first step. You can PM me anytime and chat if you like.

All it takes is the first step....

Reflector

TheTrooper wrote: »

Well I would never have thought those to be male specific traits. Are you saying that you wouldn't associate abition, self assurance, confidence, independence etc. as traits women would have?

By straight acting I mean what you said: Not prancing around with a limp wrist and a lisp. So if a guy comes up to you, as camp as the day is long, wearing a dress and some make-up, yet had all the traits you described, you would still define that guy as manly?

They are not male specific but to me they are definitely swayed more towards the male side. competitiveness is another one. Woman do have these charateristics as well but you may find that woman also have charateristics that men don't have quite in such abundance, empathy, compassion etc. But these are just cliches but it is also the same for gay men, all are different. Some are as you describe manly others are girly but this is just a superficial assesment of the person.

I have female friends who are very feminine in manner and dress yet their sense of humour and beer drinking ability is very manly. I think the more I learnt about myself I stopped defining people as much and I certainly blew away any stereotypes I had about gay men. Some of my friends are "camp" but this isn't something that I focus on. I focus on how kind, funny smart they are and that's how I judge them to be my friend.

The Trooper, you need to start helping yourself. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not doing any good. Take control of your life. Learn to love the person you are. Being gay is irrevelant. It is just a small part of the pieces of your personality. You are not some character in a movie you have 20 years of life and experiences which make you the person you are today. Now I don't suggest to anyone that they launch themselves out of the closet with no thought.

How about you focus on getting yourself in a situation to be independant. Are you loving at home for examnple. One thing that really helped me was finishing college and becoming independant. Earning my own money and moving into a house with noone to answer to but myself. Try not to let being gay upset any of your ambitions. You have the right to anything you want to do as much as anyone else.


Also about coming out, I came out to my two oldest friends on a snowy new years eve when I was 17. I was ****ting it. But it started something I have never once regretted. I didn't post it in the local papers after that in fact I kept in under wraps still as I hadn't accepted it myself, but it did break that boundary.

Good Luck

superboy

OMG Brad Pitt is 45????? Jeez he's been around forever, I thought he was at least 60!!!
anyhoo, I am in a similar situation to the original poster. I am awfully "confused", and you know what, its Fantastic!!! I haven't a clue what i want, (or whom)!! I have kind of come out to a few friends lately. Its taken me a long while to get to this point. I wouldn't recommend coming out or whatever, with a big bang, but you must find a way to "break through" gradually. Try to find out if you really like what you think you like, or really don't like what you think you don't like.
There are loads in the same boat, trust me. Anyway, real friends will not treat you badly or desert you because of who you are. But i can understand your reluctance to "come out". I don't even know why i told my friends - Its none of their damn business who i fancy!!!

Don't know if this will help, or if i sound all weird??!!! anyway, here's a kiss for everyone! X Because ye are all wonderful!!

LegacyUser

I undersand the situation you find yourself in. However, you appear to view it in almost
entirely negative terms: e.g. 'I'm NOT like this. I DON'T like that, I CAN'T stand this or that', etc. And of course all this negativity seems to be directed to people you don't approve of. You say you don't fit in, yet you criticise other people who. I presume, don't feel they fit in either!
This show a lack of tolerance, I think. But it also shows what I believe to be to be two equally contradictory conditions in western society: a deep desire to fit into the social structure and an equally deep desire to be true to oneself. How you square this circle will depend on the choices you make in life. Good luck!