Drama queen daughter

LegacyUser

Reg user with an issue: I'm seeing a woman coming up to 3 years soon. She has a 8 year old daughter, only child. The daughter is becoming more and more a drama queen, everything is about her and if she doesn't get her way she starts crying hysterically and makes us feel like we've done something evil of enormous proportions. She has a very dramatic temper, which I think she gets from her dad.

As I'm not her real dad (he is still in the picture, sees the daughter maybe 4-5 times/year but just for a day) I don't have "dad authority" but so far she hasn't pulled "Your not my real dad" on me.

She has a good life with us, me and her mum are never fighting and very much in love and try to have a nurturing loving home. I do my best to hug her and take an interest in her activities and she does like me although I feel she thinks I'm intruding on the mother/daughter relationship where she often could have her way.

I have tried to be extra accommodating and patient with her because I'm not her dad, but tried not to lot let her go too far either (very difficult). We all moved in together a while back and since then I think she's gotten worse. Every moment of every conversation has to be about her or her interests. If we start talking about other things in front of her she will start: "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy" until her mummy responds...

It seems most days she comes home from school and crech upset over some wrong that was done to her during the day.

I guess I'm really just asking the parents/peeps out there: is this drama daughters thing common? How to fix it?

Zaph

I think this might be better suited in Parenting. Mods, feel free to send it back here if it's not for you guys.

Moved from RI

SarahMc

Does the daughter get to spend quality time alone with her mam? How long did she have monopoly on her mam before you came on the scene?

KittyeeTrix

dramakid wrote: »

Reg user with an issue: I'm seeing a woman coming up to 3 years soon. She has a 8 year old daughter, only child. The daughter is becoming more and more a drama queen, everything is about her and if she doesn't get her way she starts crying hysterically and makes us feel like we've done something evil of enormous proportions. She has a very dramatic temper, which I think she gets from her dad.

As I'm not her real dad (he is still in the picture, sees the daughter maybe 4-5 times/year but just for a day) I don't have "dad authority" but so far she hasn't pulled "Your not my real dad" on me.

She has a good life with us, me and her mum are never fighting and very much in love and try to have a nurturing loving home. I do my best to hug her and take an interest in her activities and she does like me although I feel she thinks I'm intruding on the mother/daughter relationship where she often could have her way.

I have tried to be extra accommodating and patient with her because I'm not her dad, but tried not to lot let her go too far either (very difficult). We all moved in together a while back and since then I think she's gotten worse. Every moment of every conversation has to be about her or her interests. If we start talking about other things in front of her she will start: "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy" until her mummy responds...

It seems most days she comes home from school and crech upset over some wrong that was done to her during the day.

I guess I'm really just asking the parents/peeps out there: is this drama daughters thing common? How to fix it?

This sounds to me to be pure attention seeking especially as you say she has gotten worse since you moved in.
I once watched one of those parenting programmes where there was a young girl who was doing the same thing as your girl. The child expert said "there is no show without an audience". Once the parents on this show stopped responding to the childs tantrums and completely ignored her the tantrums stopped.
Your girl is old enough to be told firmly that ye both love her but you both will no longer be putting up with behaviour of this sort. Give her plenty of attention when she is acting "normally" but as soon as she starts acting out tell her firmly "I love you but am not going to listen to you now until you can calm down and once you do we can then talk again" If you stick to it she will soon realise that she gets attention when she is good and gets absolutely none at all when she acts out!!!!!
Well that's the desired effect

Moonbeam

If you want to pm me I might be able to help you.
I would have been in a similar situation to the child,it is a hard time for her.
She may have gone from just her and mammy to the 3 of you and that is hard at her age.

Banrion

Poor child really. I know her behaviour is very annoying and maybe disruptive, but I suppose if you look at it from where shes standing.....Shes had her mother all to herself (as you said that the dad doesnt really see her) She is used to having all of her mams attention for so long that she probably associates this lessening of attention from mammy as a slippery slope and that maybe mammy doesnt love her as much as she used to. Maybe mam loves you more than her. Maybe mam and you would prefer if she wasnt there.
The whole mammy mammy mammy thing is just testing you. WIll they ignore me? Attention seeking to make sure either that you remember shes still there and important or an attempt to get any attention from you by any means.
If you intend to stay with this lady permanently ( wishing you well with that) then I suppose you need to step up and be the dad figure. YOu cant step back and be her equal that she sees vying for her mams attention. You get mammys attention on a different level and she will and should get yours and mams attention too.
With your partners consent, you need to tell her to wait.
'Im speaking to ________ at the moment and you need to wait til Im finished''................................(insert conversation between two adults)..............thank you very much for waiting, now what is it you wanted to talk about? Other suggestioons for you and partner could be.....
Maybe spend some time on your own with her.
Be firm with her. She doesnt need to be pandied to.
She will need boundaries from you (most especially if youre living in the house)
Is it serious whats going on with the creche? Any fear shes the boy who cried wolf? Does she whinge so much about it that ye have stopped listening?
Good luck

Varkov

Do you even like the daughter?

Sounds like you dont

Orion

I haven't been in this position myself but I have seen it. It's a jealousy thing. She had her mother to herself and probably hero-worships her dad. Children do that. So she's rebelling against a new male influence who has moved into her private domain (her and her mother's home). Just be patient with her. She will grow out of it.

MonicaBing

Varkov wrote: »

Do you even like the daughter?

Sounds like you dont

Ah i dont think he's saying that! It's the opposite i think. Im coming at this from your partner's point of view, my partner is not my children's dad either and we've also been together just over 3 years, and its only now my eldest at 14 is rebelling against him.
Also he hasnt pulled the "your not my dad" scenario yet, but i want to nip it in the bud before that happens!

Fair dues to you for posting looking for advice and not throwing the towel in and saying "feck it, its not worth the hassle".
You guys need to sit down together and work out what your role is going to be in her daughter's life. Your a permanent fixture, so you really should have a say in this.

Maybe you could try spending some more quality time with her, have it as say" Mary & Tom's time", together. Go to a park or bowling, make it an activity, not just the movies say or lounging around at home.