18mth old rejecting father

Kaylee

Some great advice on this board, I'm Just wondering if anyone out there can relate to this, and/or offer us some advice.

In fairness, this only happens when the three of us are together (maybe this is the key?), it manifests in the following ways:

1.If we are out and about he will refuse to be carried by his father and push him away and cry until I relent and carry him.
2.He refuses to go with his father if he is offering his hand to take him for a little walk outside (he loves going outside), he will hang out of me and try to drag me outside and cry until I go with him.
3.He has once or twice tried to actually push him out of the room if we are in it together.
4.If his father makes a funny face or something to make him smile he will get annoyed and start going ‘no, no, no..’ until he stops and ignores him again.

I could go on a bit more, this is upsetting for my partner and tiring for me. My partner sees other dads having holding their kids etc. and feels a bit confused & hurt…

My husband was working away a lot when our son was born, so maybe this has something to do with it? Our first holiday when he was about seven months old was awful – he really didn’t want to have anything to do with his Dad – it was/is quite stressful.

As I mentioned, this is only when we are all together. When my husband gets up with him at the weekend and it is just the two of them downstairs he is fine, happy as Larry. I work full time as does my husband so it’s not like he is clinging onto me because I’m with him all day or anything. We do have some happy moments as a family but, to be honest, they are not that regular. I have another baby on the way and I want to have a happy family.

So my question is, is this odd behaviour? What can we do about it? Should we just hope that he grows out of it? Should I allow them more time just the two of them? Where are we going wrong?

di11on

Hi Kaylee,

I don't really have the answer, but have some experience as a dad that maybe will help a little.

First of all, mummy will always be no. 1. That's just biology. As a dad, I'm quite involved with my two kids and spend a lot of time with them. Even still, I can recall phases with both my kids when they really didn't have any time for me. It's really important not to take it personally. There are phases when you are in and out of favour as dad... that's the way it seems to me.

Every night me and my OH swap which child we will each put to bed (jammies, teeth, story etc.). And every night, since they were born, they both want their mother and daddy is second best. Even though sometimes we have a laugh and we joke and have a great time together, next night, they'll both want mum again. It just seems to be the natural way of things.

All that said though, I do imagine your partner being away for long spells has had an impact on the bonding the process. The advice I would give to your OH is this:

1. Don't take it personally
2. Don't take it personally
3. Don't force the issue
4. Try and interact and involve yourself in juniors life without pushing his comfort boundaries.

Hope that helps a little.

petergdub

Daddy is no. 1 in our house as far as our 19 month old daughter is concerned.

OP, I think it may have to do with your husband being away.
My wife was in hospital with our second baby for a couple of weeks (some complications), and I guess our daughter felt a bit betrayed by her.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is a great mother and has had and continues to have a great relationship with our daughter, but Daddy has always been no 1.
Probably even before the hospital stay.

I suggest your hubby try this:
Spend every spare second your child is not asleep looking after and loving them.

Kaylee

Thanks so much for the advice guys.

I have noticed that he is starting to take it personally alright, when he is rejected he gets a bit despondant and huffy. This is because it has been going on for so long, I worry about the relationship then and how it might develop (or not).

I think you are right the softly softly approach is the only way to go, OH tends to try and force things a bit. I also think (privately) that he is not brilliant at 'reading' the child, iykwim, i.e. his limits.

Thanks again, i will talk with him about the comfort zones.

Kaylee

stovelid

Tell him he'll have his day in the sun during the inevitable My-Da-Is-A-Superhero phase around 7-13 years old.

BostonB

I think its a phase a lot of kids grow through. Especially if they are spending more time with one parent than the other.

lostinnappies

All the advise above seems to be spot on. The fact that it happens when the three of you are there says to me that you need to do some work with the both of them. Consider yourself the mediator. Sit down with your hubby and your son to play a game. (let your hubby know not to react no mater what, not even a facial expression). You are the games master. Pick up a ball and toss it to Daddy, when he catches it big claps for daddy. Daddy then throws the ball to you and (you guessed it) big claps for mommy. Do this a few times so he can see you having fun (his kind of fun) with Daddy. He may not know how to react to him and his safest option is to reject him, when he sees you playing with him he will learn how to do it. Keep doing this until he shows an interest in what you are doing. Get daddy then to hand the ball to him. If he refuses then daddy and mommy keep playing. if he takes the ball then he can throw it to anyone. it doesnt matter if he keeps throwing it to you... he is interacting with Daddy. Then gently cox him to throw it to daddy. If he does this fantastic if not he may throw it to you instead, dont catch the ball. Let daddy pick it up and hand it back to him. Again cox him to throw it to daddy, if after a few attemps he throws a paddy (and he probably will) continue playing ball with mommy and daddy and ignore the tantrum (stay strong cos he will pull on all your heart strings) and keep playing never forgetting the claps for mommy and daddy. once the tantrum has passed then redo the steps above until he throws the ball to daddy and then big claps for him. Eventually when you are all playing get daddy and him to play together while you are still there and when they are happy move away. This will creat a bond between the both of them. I know you think playing ball is not what you want to happen, you want him to be able to hold his hand etc. You have to lay down the foundation before you move ahead. When this is working, change the game and start from the VERY begining again. When the trust is there you will find he will automatically accept his hand when walking and bond with him more and more each day. Dont expect miracles it will take time.

nesf

It's a phase, if my boy wants something, is hurt or simply wants attention he runs to his mother first, always. The only time he'll go to me first is if his mother isn't there.

You just accept it and don't take it personally. Toddlers are just like that.

deisemum

It's a phase, my husband worked away from home and was only home at weekends for the first two years of my second son's life but he would hang out of his dad once he was home. At 11 years of age he still worships his Dad,

I've also found children can be very good at switching their affections from one parent to the other, as a mother I could have been at home all day looking after them yet the minute Dad appears I'd be forgotten about or vica versa.

In our family as the boys have gotten older they tend to do more and more with their dad but if they want something that they reckon their dad will not agree to then I'll be the first parent they come to and try and soft soap me into agreeing

Having done a number of childcare and parenting courses over the years I remember a psychologist talking about subconscious rivalry between same sex parent and child, how they will often vie for the attention of the parent of the opposite sex. I think there's a lot of truth in it.

Oh yeah wait until they want money, see how quickly they'll go to whoever doles it out

Kaylee

Thanks so much for the advice people (and the reassurance, I feel like we're a bit less dysfunctional now - y'know when it seems i seem to see happy families everywhere when we're having a difficult day ).

We'll work on the advice offered, he is changing and developing all the time so will take each day as it comes.

BostonB

Ours did the same. I wouldn't worry about. We've one in Daddy daddy phase at the moment. As it gives the other parent a break, take advantage of it. Also some one on one time in the playground, can help get back in touch so to speak.