Do they ever leave their girlfriend for the "Other Woman"

LegacyUser

Im going to try and keep this as short as possible.
I'm 25 and i came back into contact with an old college boyfriend in January at a college reunion party, same old story one thing led to another and we started to meet up every couple of weekends since we live an hour apart it seemed normal. A couple of weeks after the initial hookup he told me he had a girlfriend but insisted things didn't have to change. I was quiet upset he didn't tell me straight out in the first place, but after lots of talking i decided it wasn't a big deal we were just having fun and we decided to keeping meeting up.

Skip forward to last weekend i met his girlfriend and i found out they are moving in together pretty soon and also found out he had shared lots of private stuff aout me with her. Since meeting her i feel terrible and i think it has sunk in we are going nowhere but fcuk buddies. I have spoken to him since the weekend and he said that i knew about her all along whats the big deal.

Do they ever leave the girlfriend for the other woman?
Am i a terrible person for continung after i found out i was the other woman?
Are things different now they are moving in?
Should i quit now and find someone i can see whenever i want and not just when it suits them?

Mr. Incognito

God no.

Cop on.

Would YOU want to be his girlfriend when he treats them like that.

Really, are people really that blind?

magick

May sound harsh, but he got his "bit on the side" and loved it, but still saw a future with her not with you.

as you stated "a big deal we were just having fun and we decided to keeping meeting up"

and thats exactly what he had, nothing more, nothing less.

prinz

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Really, are people really that blind?

I'm waiting for the missus to post, "my OH met an old college friend and i think there's something going on, should i move in with him?"


to the OP, eh now generally they don't. basically he's treating you both like crap, so why would you even want to.the mind boggles sometimes.

Wibbs

They'll only leave one or the other if their hand is forced, or the other relationship is on the way out. Clearly if they're moving in together that's not the case, so you're the easy going bit on the side. Great for him, he gets the leg over with two women. Not so good for you(or his GF) though. Bail out on that one if you want to keep your sanity.

helimachoptor

So you say she knows lots of personal stuff about you, does she know the 2 of you are going at it?

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Am i a terrible person for continung after i found out i was the other woman?

Would you want some other woman to do this to you if you had a b/f?
How would you feel about her?

Are things different now they are moving in?

If they are moving in together then he has no intention of leaving her.

Should i quit now and find someone i can see whenever i want and not just when it suits them?

Go find your self respect and dump his ass.
There are plenty of single men out there who don't treat their girlfriends like crap.
I feel sorry for her to be stuck with such an asshole.

LegacyUser

helimachoptor wrote: »

So you say she knows lots of personal stuff about you, does she know the 2 of you are going at it?

OP again. The personal stuff she knows came up while they were discussing the longest he had ever waited before sleeping with a girl and i was his longest - 7 months because just before we got together i was date raped while studying abroad.
I am aware i am behaving badly by continuing with this affair but he is the only guy i have ever slept with (willingly) and we have a history that i have never been able to leave behind he waited so long for me that i keep thinking no other guy would do the same.
How do i break the cycle - end it and gain the confidence to know i probably deserve better than sloppy seconds?

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

he said that i knew about her all along whats the big deal.

There's his answer -- he's got his gf, you're the fun on the side.
She's the future - you're the sweetener.

Horrible way to put it I know - but it's the truth.
Very very rare for someone to leave their OH for the bit on the side. It's not a cycle you want to get into. You need to get out of this for your own self respect & sanity.

You need a real boyfriend - who dates you and you alone. You'll never be more than second bat to this other guy, and noone should do that.
You think that because he waited for you & took your feelings into consideration before sleeping with you mattered. It did and it didn't.
Does he have consideration for his gf? or for you really? I don't think so.

Break away & break contact - for your own sake.

LegacyUser

You really need to move on and stop wasting time on him. Find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Salome

I don't think this bloke has any intention of leaving.

If he ever did leave her for you, then there's a chance that in a few years time when he's bored with you, he'll move onto a newer model.

Walk away now. He's going to hurt you, if he hasn't done so already.

Board Walker

No he wont leave her

if he does he will prob go back to her

Stop being so sneaky and find yourself a single man.

SarahMc

Yes, some men do leave their gf/wife for the OW. Its called monkey syndrome, won't jump from a branch until they are clinging onto another one.

a) they tend to keep on jumping from branch to branch.
b) this guy sounds like he is not jumping anywhere.

Honestly, it seems to me that you have very low self confidence, and need to dump this guy and spend some time focussing on yourself and dealing with your past.

Home4Life

I am sorry that you went through the experience you mentioned.
I know that you can move on and not let it ruin your life.

As for your gentleman friend, think of it, he has an extra girl on the side
who he doesnt have to even worry about her finding out about his GF because you know already.

There is absolutely nothing to incentivise a guy like that to go from 2 girls to 1. If anything, now that he's comfortable with 2, 3 is the more natural progression. Think about it.

estar

then they go out with you and cheat with someone else. and the beat goes on.

you should have listened to your conscience and refused to see him, and made him telll his girlfriend that he was treating her like a joke, that she was on page moving in, and he was on page, bit on the side.

its not too late for this option.

people generally dont find barriers in the way of what they want unless they want the barriers there.

estar

so what he waited 7 months. a man isnt going to burst if he has to wait for you to feel comfortable if what he wants is a genuine long lasting relationship.
another man will feel as comfortable.

however hopefully next time you will find a man with more class than to dish the dirt on your love life. and who's choice in women doesnt extend to women who choose to reveal that they know said facts to exes.

jeeze. i wouldnt dream in a million years of approaching an ex girlfriend of a boyfriend and going - guess what i know about you. you both waited 7 months to do it. and if someone ever told me they knew that, id feel like slap ping her face for her cheek and dumping him for his mouth.

what a pair of f-ing eejits. are there no manners in operation any more.

what the hell use was that information to her in the first place. did he tell her what colour your knickers were as well.

tell mr i can bang two women the parties over and he better fess up to his girlfriend before you reveal what you know about her, that her boyfriend is a cheat.

John Mason

IMO - you have no respect for yourself, so why should your FB ?

the only way he is going to leave his partner is if she finds out and throws him out.

so if you want him that bad, just phone her up and tell her what has been going on and then he will be yours until the next girl comes along.

i think what you are doing is despicable.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

Do they ever leave the girlfriend for the other woman?
Am i a terrible person for continung after i found out i was the other woman?
Are things different now they are moving in?
Should i quit now and find someone i can see whenever i want and not just when it suits them?

1. Why would you want him to leave his girlfriend for you. The guy's a slimebag!
2. Yes.
3. Yes, obviously. He's proved himself to be liar, and totally unfazed that you and his girlfriend have met. The mind boggles at the audacity of his behaviour and your compliance with it.
4. Yes quit now or prepare to be used and abused. While your at it let his girlfriend in on the situation. No one should have to live with that kind of an asshole. It's the least you can do for her.

I really can't believe you have to ask any of these questions.
Why would you let someone treat you like this and why would be interested in someone with such low character? It says a lot about you to be honest and maybe it's time you went to work on yourself and got some self respect.

Dolbert

OP, it seems to me that he's using your past to his advantage. He knows how your self esteem has been lowered because of what happened to you, therefore he thinks that you won't have the strength to end things with him. The fact that he's openly sharing personal information about you also speaks volumes about what little regard he actually has for you. For your own sake, and his gf's sake, end this now.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

OP again. The personal stuff she knows came up while they were discussing the longest he had ever waited before sleeping with a girl and i was his longest - 7 months because just before we got together i was date raped while studying abroad.
I am aware i am behaving badly by continuing with this affair but he is the only guy i have ever slept with (willingly) and we have a history that i have never been able to leave behind he waited so long for me that i keep thinking no other guy would do the same.
How do i break the cycle - end it and gain the confidence to know i probably deserve better than sloppy seconds?

Ok only got to this part now and it explains a lot.
Makes me dislike him even more. How can he take advantage of you like that.

First thing to do is end it. It might hurt but you will feel much better about yourself in time. And please believe that there are some really lovely, genuine guys out there who are worth taking that leap with. He is horrendous and you deserve much better. Please, please, please be good to yourself and dump his scummy ass.

Wagon

I have equally as little respect for people who knowingly sleep with someone they know is in a relationship as i do for the actual person in the relationship. Sort yourself out OP. You're just as much of a liar as he is.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
Your F*** buddy is having his cake and eating it. I think you have possibly become more emotionally involved than you had planned and as you said he waited such a long time for you that you feel someone else might not. He might have waited but he has moved on. This is what you need to do. While you are still meeting up with him you are becoming more and more emotionally involved. The fact that you are upset that he shared intimate information about you spells out the fact that you think about this person as more than just some fun. You obviously thought you could handle the situation and that it was just a bit of fun but as you go on you realise that it isn't. It was bad judgement to have continued seeing your ex knowing he had a girlfirend but it's not the end of the world. The only person who can change this is you. Finish whatever you had/have going with him and move on with your life. You don't want to end up with somebody who cheats on you. You want somebody who respects you. You deserve it. Put this whole situation down to life experience and begin to live life properly. Good luck. Sorry for the long post but I know how you feel. It takes a while but one day you will wake up and the dark cloud will have liftd. Seriously!

lolli

Do they ever leave the girlfriend for the other woman? No you are the bit of the side, you are for sex nothing more.

Am i a terrible person for continung after i found out i was the other woman? OK you you didnt know about the gf at first but once you found out about her you should have walked away. What kind of person will sleep with someone knowing they have a partner that is just wrong. You are both as bad as each other.

Are things different now they are moving in? Of course he has made a commitment to her, not to you. He just needs you for a bit of sex because things are probably gone routine with his gf so your the bit of excitment hes looking for. He'll get bored of you too and find someone else when the sex with you isnt exciting anymore.

Should i quit now and find someone i can see whenever i want and not just when it suits them? Do you really need us to answer that. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. Stop being so horrible and find your own man. A SINGLE ONE. Seriously how would you feel if you had a partner who was sleeping with other people behind your back.

Amazotheamazing

Dolorous wrote: »

OP, it seems to me that he's using your past to his advantage. He knows how your self esteem has been lowered because of what happened to you, therefore he thinks that you won't have the strength to end things with him. The fact that he's openly sharing personal information about you also speaks volumes about what little regard he actually has for you. For your own sake, and his gf's sake, end this now.

Exactly. You met him at a point when you were vulnerable, and he's still exploiting that, imo.

LegacyUser

i started seeing a guy that i knew had a girlfriend, i never chased him he came after me. within one week he realised he wanted to be with me and not his girlfriend of 5 years. he broke up with her, we went out for 3 and a half years went to oz, bought a house together everything. i think u have to take a chance sometimes i would have spent the rest of my life with my boyfriend but fate itervened and he was killed in a car crash 5 months ago.i would always say regret what u didnt do not what u did. has he ever said he would leave her for you?that he loves you?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

i would always say regret what u didnt do not what u did. has he ever said he would leave her for you?that he loves you?

When i found out about his girlfriend i walked away but he convinced me it was no big deal afrter he gave me the impression the relationship was rocky and fizzling out. I guess i just presumed eventually we would end up together but after meeting the girl i realise he fed me line just to have a bit of fun on the side.
I have thought about this pretty much constantly all week on what i should do and i have finally come to a decision that i tried and it didn't work out. I realise he is not going to leave her, that i can never have a relationship with him in the way i want and i just need to be strong enough to end it completely and not allow him to play on my trust yet again and convince me to keep going with him.
I admit what have been doing was wrong and its a mistake i never wish to repeat. Thank you for your comments over the last few days maybe i needed to hear i was behaving like a cow.

MollyRo

NO
get real and stop being the other woman... so disrespectful if you ask me

smileykey

He's a prick! Why on earth would you want him to leave her for you? You are both being horrible to his Gf and he is being so disrespectful to you both. Pick you confidence off the floor and realise that this guy doesn't deserve one woman let alone 2 (possibly more, who knows).

OP, do you have any idea of the amount of threads that are posted where women are paranoid and mistrusting of their partners because they're convinced they might be cheating? Do you know what it does to them? And this is all without the partners having ever cheated before, and there's no proof they are now?

Now, do YOU genuinely want to be with someone full time that you KNOW for a fact is a cheater, not even just once-offs but full on side flings? Why would you want to be the gf so he can turn around and do exactly the same to you? Don't start kidding yourself with "but I'm different". If you were, he wouldn't be cheating to be with you.

northern lights

You've obviously been through a horrendous ordeal in the past, he was the guy you got together with after this and so you've obviously got feelings for him. Especially as he understood and 'waited' for you until were ready to have a relationship with him.

However, that relationship then ended for whatever reason and now he's back in your life, totally messing with your head.

Keep reminding yourself why your relationship with him ended the last time and take a long hard look at the way he's treating both you and his girl friend right now...

You've been through enough and you certainly don't need him in your life anymore. Get rid, pronto... Work on your self-esteem and find some-one that will love you unconditionally.

Look after yourself ok

Toots

If they're moving in together I doubt that he's got any intentions of leaving her. Besides, even if he did, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you?

LegacyUser

My ex left me for a girl he started seeing while we were together so yeah I guess it does happen. Is it something you'd really want for yourself though? Probably not.

This guy is obviously way more important to you than you are to him, much as it hurts for you to recognise that. You have a history that makes it difficult for you to see beyond being with him (he knows about your rape and he's the only guy you've trusted enough to have sex with since) but in reality, he is treating you so so badly that you must know you're worth more than this.

I miss my ex every single day and it hurts, he was my best friend and knew things about me no-one else did. But you know what? He made his decision, and it wasn't me.

The best thing I can do for myself and you can do for yourself is accept that it wasn't meant to happen and try to move on.

Liam Byrne

There are 2 options:

1) He doesn't leave her

2) He cheats on his girlfriend, then leaves his girlfriend, you become his girlfriend....

I can't draw arrows or circles in this yoke but try mentally drawing a line from the end of that sentence to the start, bearing in mind as you read it the second time that the "you become his girlfriend" has happened......

GET. OUT. NOW. Especially as now that you know about her, you're almost as guilty as he is.

It annoys me that scum like him have two girls on the go while decent guys have problems meeting decent girls......