Would you cheat?

SeekUp

SeekUp wrote: »

At least you're honest with us!



That's an interesting add-on to the OP . . . whether it's just as bad to be the person with whom someone is cheating - and fully knowing it (as opposed to being the person doing the cheating). Is there the same - or any - level of responsibility there?

I think being the other person is almost as bad as being the cheater. I hate people who make the excuse 'I wasn't the one who was married/had a boyfriend/whatever.' You are helping to potentially hurt someone else and even ruin their life - how anyone can justify that to themselves as being a-ok is astonishing to me. It's so incredibly selfish. I've had a good few chances to be the 'other woman' but I could never have gone through with it.

Cows Go µ

I have never cheated, and I doubt I ever would, at least not with the guy I'm with at the moment. I did something stupid when we were only going out a few months that basically broke his trust, (At the time of doing it I didn't realise it would, it was only when he found out and was hurt that I realised how it could have hurt him, but that's a whole other story) and talking with him afterwards I felt so bad, it almost felt physically painful. The thought of causing him pain is just so awful that I couldn't cheat, I would just feel too terrible. Even remembering what I did before makes me feel really bad, I hated myself so much for doing that. Even though it wasn't big and was probably forgotten within a week.

Wibbs

Hi everyone, I have asked Wibbs to post this for me, as i want to remain anonymous

i have been in all of the following positions- innocent party who was cheated on, cheater, and person who knowingly was with someone who was attached.

i'll try describe my experiences and explain my reasons/motivations behind my behaviour.

the first one is the easiest- i was a naive 18 year old who had fallen hard for my college boyfriend. looking back, i dont actually think i loved him, but i was certainly infatuated with him. he was my first ever b/f and i thought the world of him.

he dumped me for a classmate of ours. i was gutted, couldnt understand it and found it hard to deal with.

again, looking back, i feel that if he hadnt been my first b/f i might have dealt with it better.

i remember at the time being far more irate with her than him, and thinking that she must have tempted and baited him. my wrath was reserved for her, not him. maybe love really is blind.

a few years later, i was in a long term relationship, about 3 years in to it, lasted 4 years altogether. i definitely was in love with that man, no question about it. to this day, 5 years after we have split up, he remains one of my closest friends.

one night, we had had a stupid petty fight, about him refusing to go to a party with me. i went without him, and ended up having a one night stand with a friend of mine (who also is still a good friend to this day). i remember thinking "**** him, if he cant be bothered to come out with me, i'll do whatever i want".

i'm not proud of that, and i realise i come across as immature and selfish.

i never told my then b/f about it, and i never will.

this is going to be the hardest part to write.

my experiences of being the other woman.

for a year (well, almost a year) i had an affair witha work colleague who i knew to be married.

i was friendly with this man, in a platonic sense, long before we started the affair.

with the benefit of hindsight, i think he was "grooming" me (for want of a better phrase) for quite some time.

he was telling me about marital difficulties he said they were having, and at the time i thought i was a shoulder to cry on, nothing more.

for reasons i dont want to get into here, my self-esteem was quite low, particularly when it comes to men, and i'm not the kind of woman who gets much male attention, so i never suspected that this married, older man would actually be interested in me.

by the time i realised he was interested, i was feeling sorry for him, and i thought it was his wife's own fault for behaving the way she (allegedly) did. i felt no sympathy for her whatsoever. that wasnt in a "if you cant satisfy your man then i will" kind of way. it was more that he had painted her to be the wicked witch for so long that i fully believed him.

again, with hindsight, i know he was not exactly truthful

teh affair lasted almost a year.

i had an ability to not think about his wife at all, and not feel guilty about her. i dont quite know how i managed it, as im generally the kind of person that ruminates on things. i had a "me and him against the world" mentality.

i want to stress that at no time did i want or expect or encourage him to leave her for me - that was teh very opposite of what i wanted. he knew that from teh first night we kissed.

im a commitment-phobe, and the fact that he was committed elsewhere made it easier for me, in that i thought there'd be no danger of him looking for 24/7 from me. i guess thats how i rationalised it in one way, i told myself it was just regular sex, no commitment, no home-wrecking.

obviously it didnt last. i fell in love with him, but cntinued to want nothing more than an affair. i never wanted a regular relationship with this man. he, however, wanted more and wanted to be with me full time. that was the beginning of the end really. he also was quite a psychopath, but thats a different story.

i believe his wife suspected he was having an affair. she certainly accused him of it, but he always denied it. i dont know if they are still together- i no longer work in teh same place as him and have no contact with him.

it has become my seedy secret. i didnt tell friends or family about him, for fear of judgement. the only person i have told is my ex mentioned above (yes, the one i cheated on). and i only told him when i was having trouble coping with the guy's psychopathic behaviour.

after that, i swore i would never go near a married/attached man again.

and i stuck to that, for a year and a half.

then, one night, while very drunk, i slept with a work colleague who i knew to be married. (different work place to first guy).

this was very much a one night stand.

he was quite open beforehand that he does this regularly when away on conferences.

i suppose i thought that really, the decision was his, i wasnt committed to anyone and i am not responsible for his wedding vows.

people may well argue that that is a copout.

he didnt look for any follow up, and if he had, i think i would have politely said no.

tbh, i would have said no because i dont want the hassle of an affair again, rather than because of moral/ethical reasons.

put it like this, if i was away on a conference again tomorrow night and he came on to me, i would sleep with him again.

i just wouldnt continue a full blown affair with him.

i've read on various other threads what people say about mistresses - sloppy seconds, poor self esteem etc

there;s truth in all those comments

i'll probably get slated for this post, deservedly, some might say.

all i can say is - i'm single, and therefore consider myself free to sleep with any willing man. his status isnt my issue.

all teh same, i do not want to break up any relationship. i dont want any man to leave someone else for me. all i want is to be able to have casual, NSA sex. if the opportunity arises with a a single lad, fair enough. but thats not happening for me at teh moment. so, frankly, i'll take what i can get.

Amazotheamazing

Wibbs wrote: »

his status isnt my issue.

all teh same, i do not want to break up any relationship. i dont want any man to leave someone else for me. all i want is to be able to have casual, NSA sex. if the opportunity arises with a a single lad, fair enough. but thats not happening for me at teh moment. so, frankly, i'll take what i can get.

I think you're a lot more honest than a lot of people on this thread, but I think this is something men struggle to get their heads around. We assume it is unbelievably easy for a woman to get NSA sex.

Have to say, your entire experience of cheating doesn't seem like a lot of fun to me, as I said above, I would have thought it was easy for women to have NSA sex with any number of single men. Clearly I'm way off.

Wibbs

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

We assume it is unbelievably easy for a woman to get NSA sex.

I used to think same, but experience has proved that one wrong. Yes it's easier in one way, in that generally its the man who does the approaching, but it's also easier to get involved with serious weirdos and fallout from it, such as being branded a "slut" by men and women. Plus even though men do the approaching, not that many men will with complete strangers and there's fewer want NSA sex than many think and again we may be back to wierdos again.

I would say that of the women I've known in the position of the "other woman" a goodly proportion would be after NSA sex. They may even select attached guys for that very reason consciously or not, as they know they won't leave their partner or follow them around afterward. The fcat that the guy is attached may even make him more attractive as clearly he's "safe" enough if he has another woman that wanted him. My 2 cents anyway.

SeekUp

[quote=[Deleted User];59659014]I think being the other person is almost as bad as being the cheater. I hate people who make the excuse 'I wasn't the one who was married/had a boyfriend/whatever.' You are helping to potentially hurt someone else and even ruin their life - how anyone can justify that to themselves as being a-ok is astonishing to me. It's so incredibly selfish. I've had a good few chances to be the 'other woman' but I could never have gone through with it.[/quote]

I always thought it was one thing to be the "other" woman/man if you're in the dark about the cheater's current relationship/marriage, but something else entirely if you know full well what you're getting yourself into. Ignorance is bliss -- or something.

But as the anonymous poster put it, in cases where the "other" woman/man is single, they're not responsible for the vows/commitment of the cheater. They're not ruining the relationship; the cheater is doing that.

Still, does turning a blind eye to the situation help anything? It's like when you see a homeless person, or litter strewn on the ground, or know that people are dying of hunger. Sure, it's not your personal problem. But it certainly has some kind of effect on you, whether or not you choose to address it. How long can you ignore it? And doesn't it usually end up for the worst?

jellie

SeekUp wrote: »

They're not ruining the relationship; the cheater is doing that.

While thats true, and if someone really wants to cheat theyll probably find someone else to do it with anyway.. i still dont think it justifies the behaviour and id have a very low opinion of anyone who is with someone that they KNOW isnt single. i wouldnt want to be a part of the cause of someone elses pain & misery.

Serena08

I have not and never would cheat ....I have been cheated on in the past and forgiven but once the trust is gone the relationship is dead.... I am lucky now with my OH of 10yrs as he feels the same way as me about cheating ..if you love someone why would you want to cheat ...also I have seen what cheating does to a young family the devestation it brings to all concerned (especially the children) :(whats the old saying it takes two to tango and both parties are responsible for any pain caused I don't know how some people sleep at night when they have helped to destroy someone's life :eek:

pseudonym1

Anon thanks for your post

Me-meh - hindsight foresight yada yada. Did cheat once at band camp kissed someone and had to confess being the mouthy wuss I am!
I reckon karma will come and bite you in the ass (and not in a good way) if you mess with that ****
Not for me but its easy to say as have never been in situation but unfortunately have this embedddee notion that all people are capable of such esp and more than likely men!

northern lights

Have managed to get to the ripe old age of 41 without ever cheating nor has it ever crossed my mind...

However, there's one guy I know who has really got under my skin big time to the point where I feel almost obsessed by the thoughts of kissing him. I feel like a 16 year old with the biggest crush ever.

We had some extremely raunchy texts going on about a month ago and the guilt from those is hard enough to deal with (yes,we're both married) so I know that it'll never go any further on both sides.

I have to sort out is what is missing in my own marriage that this guy has managed to have such an effect on me. Luckily I only ever see him once every six months or so but when we do meet the sexual chemistry is almost tangible.

This is a situation I never in a million years expected nor did I actively seek it out. To be honest I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Yes, I guess I have cheated emotionally and it stinks

IlikePostcards

I'm an American by birth (and most of my 23 years, to be fair) so my experiences with relationships can be seen as a bit different, maybe? Anywho, I cheated a few times on the one guy who didn't deserve it, but I was 17 and didn't know any better. Since then, I have NOT learned my lesson, and during my longest relationship (at 19-22), I cheated on him with two different guys. One guy was an ex and we just couldn't get each other out of our systems. The other guy was at the end of my long term relationship, and both Nick and I knew it was over, we just didn't know how to say it to one another, so I took care of that by cheating on him. I cheated again on my last relationship in the States before I headed over here, and when we were together during the long distance part of it, I met my current boyfriend... hmm.

Like I said, I am currently in a relationship with an Irish guy who I met in my time over here. It's been about six months (next week) and in all honesty I have been faithful, but it's been hard. I think once a cheater, always a cheater. Nick, (the big ex of three years) found out about my infidelity and took me back; the same for the boy when I was 17 (Tim). I really don't think the Irish boy (R) would take me back, but what is odd is that he cheated on the last girl he was with, and says that he would never do it again.

I know that cheaters say "it will never happen again" and that it was "the biggest mistake of my life" but I know what cheaters are capable of because I AM ONE! I have kissed a few guys since we have started dating, but not since we have gotten serious, and have even stopped thinking about other guys, so maybe there is such a thing as a reformed cheater....

Wagon

Could never understand people who could cheat at all. I never could because my conscience would just stop me. My opinion on those who cheat is one where they don't ultimately give a **** about anyone but themselves. but i do believe that people can change if they really want to.

slemons

Cheat?
What does this mean?
Is it a made up term, that guys and gals who cant get none use to make those that can get some feel guilty about it?

Is there anything natural about marriage or having just one partner?

I think we're giving ourselves too much credit here.
Sure people can design rockets and think logically.
But when it comes to sex, we're all animal. That is unless you have been blinkered by the confines society would place on you. 'Sex is bad, you're too ugly, she would never be interested in you, its a big deal etc etc

There is no thought process in sex, its subconscious. To deny it or attempt to deny it is to fight against yourself.

g'em

slemons wrote: »

But when it comes to sex, we're all animal.

We may have animal instincts and urges but it's our intelligence, cogniscence and ability for rational thought that sets us apart from animals and allows us to be self-governed in a complex society.

By your rational we could engage in all manner of ill-advised, inethical and immoral activities and chalk it up to just being an "urge" and sure why deny that?

The ability to be monogamous in a relationship establishes trust and kinship and provides a solid platform through which we can have families and pass on our genes (the one and only, imho, true 'urge' that all animals share).

Besides which, monogamy is plentiful amongst many, many species of animals as a well-established and highly successful mating pattern so cheating is not necessary our predestination.

jellie

slemons wrote: »

Cheat?
What does this mean?
Is it a made up term, that guys and gals who cant get none use to make those that can get some feel guilty about it?

Is there anything natural about marriage or having just one partner?

I think we're giving ourselves too much credit here.
Sure people can design rockets and think logically.
But when it comes to sex, we're all animal. That is unless you have been blinkered by the confines society would place on you. 'Sex is bad, you're too ugly, she would never be interested in you, its a big deal etc etc

There is no thought process in sex, its subconscious. To deny it or attempt to deny it is to fight against yourself.

its not about natural urges.

its about making a committment to one person. if you have made a committment to that person then you are saying you will control your "animal urges".

if you cannot do this then you should not make the committment.

Xiney

I think a lot of it comes down to impulse control.

I mean, there are plenty of people who cheat on their partners who actually do LOVE their partners. They just couldn't control their impulses when faced with a cheating situation.


Everyone's got their breaking point, I figure. It's a question of not getting there, bailing out, and calling for rescue.

Yeah. . But I am still young and stupid.

thelordofcheese

In this thread - everyone lies.

Lia_lia

I could never cheat on my boyfriend. Or any boyfriend.

I have a few friends that just always cheat on their partners. None of them have changed.

CoachBoone

Badboy1977

slemons wrote: »

Cheat?
What does this mean?
Is it a made up term, that guys and gals who cant get none use to make those that can get some feel guilty about it?

Is there anything natural about marriage or having just one partner?

I think we're giving ourselves too much credit here.
Sure people can design rockets and think logically.
But when it comes to sex, we're all animal. That is unless you have been blinkered by the confines society would place on you. 'Sex is bad, you're too ugly, she would never be interested in you, its a big deal etc etc

There is no thought process in sex, its subconscious. To deny it or attempt to deny it is to fight against yourself.

Agree with you. In my opinion there is a lot of self righteous crowing going on here-which is not to be taken literally. Most people dont cheat because they never get an opportunity or are simply too lazy. Send a man a dazzling beauty and if he can get away with it he will.

chinapples

sar84 wrote: »

If you had ever been cheated on by someone you loved you wouldnt even consider it. I wouldnt do it to someone i disliked nevermind someone i was in love with.

I would have to agree there..but for the actual thread of cheating...what is classified as cheating?

My o/h was sending text messages to another girl(who he says was his ex-girlf) last year and I found them. Yes, I know I can hear all of you saying "you shouldnt have gone through his phone" but my instinct told me something was not right. Lets just say the text messages were of sexual content and tbh, I am still trying to forget about them. It has cost me a massive loss of trust in him,of which I try and build back up everyday,but if it is a thing that he was caught out, who is to say he could still be at it?
I don't check his phone anymore because that time was the last time I want to be hurt like that.

I question times when he goes out with the lads, I was never like this ever,until I saw those texts...and I realised, if he loved me he wouldn't be texting another girl? Am I being stupid here and should I forget it,or should I follow my instincts that are embedded in my gut?
By the way, Im not menstruating,this is not hormone talk...

chinapples

With all this talk of cheating, when I was 17 I cheated on my boyfriend because I didnt know any other way out of the relationship-he was needy,protective and had grown to be more my friend then my boyfriend. I was 17.

I spent 4years with a guy who cheated on me(It was my instinct that told me) when he was confronted,he admitted it, I broke up with him but later got back together.

In our last year together he decides to tell me after a 2 and a half hour bus journey to see him(long distance relationship) that he had chlamydia.
I poured my drink over him, left the pub and got the last bus out of there..needless to say, he tried to get back with me time and time again,but no way!
I was tested negative (thank god) but swore I would never hurt anybody else the way he hurt me.
I am well and truely over it and him-didnt take long....but my current beau is a great guy,but who is to say men won't stray? this is in regards to the texts in my previous post!!!
I current beau did/would...he would be a very sorry man!

RxQueen

I did >.< but it was a messed up relationship to start with, he was breaking up with me , i was taking him back etc etc. so one night i got with my friend.. did i regret it , yeah only cause it messed up the friendship i had with my mate.

would i cheat now? no never (lots of things have changes and im a totally different person) and taking into account that i have the best boyf ever now :P

SeekUp

Badboy1977 wrote: »

Agree with you. In my opinion there is a lot of self righteous crowing going on here-which is not to be taken literally. Most people dont cheat because they never get an opportunity or are simply too lazy. Send a man a dazzling beauty and if he can get away with it he will.

IMO, if you don't want to be monogamous, then don't be. As long as both/all parties agree to it, then by all means, get as many dazzling beauties as possible. But don't say you're only going to be with one person and then score a dazzling beauty now and again. There's no need.

chinapples wrote: »

I question times when he goes out with the lads, I was never like this ever,until I saw those texts...and I realised, if he loved me he wouldn't be texting another girl? Am I being stupid here and should I forget it,or should I follow my instincts that are embedded in my gut?

You're not being stupid -- and while I can't say whether or not you should forgive and forget, I will say that if you decide to "forget it," then don't look back . . .

coffee_cake

slemons wrote: »

Cheat?
What does this mean?
Is it a made up term, that guys and gals who cant get none use to make those that can get some feel guilty about it?

Is there anything natural about marriage or having just one partner?

If you can't commit to someone, then don't pretend to and don't f* with their head. Don't pretend to hide behind vague theoretical arguments on it.
Stick with ONS or whatever you're into.

I love how "there's nothing natural about xyz" arguments being used to justify whatever the person feels like - particularly when they're made on the computer + internet :rolleyes: The epitome of nature, that is.

Bottle_of_Smoke

thelordofcheese wrote: »

In this thread - everyone lies.

Possibly, or else the cheaters just dont post.

Dinkie

I think people cheat if there is something wrong with their relationship they are in at the time... If they were happy, they wouldn't feel the need to cheat.

I have cheated in the past, but since I've starting going out with my latest bf don't even notice any other men and it would never enter my head to cheat... i'm just not interested. But I'm happier and more comfortable in this relationship then I have been in most of my previous relationships.

naasface

never have never would, my mum got cheated on when i was a kid and i saw the devastation it caused.

could never do that to somebody

BUT never say never, i mean not everyone cheats is a bad person. Somebody are deeply unhappy in their marriage/relationship but dont have the courage to leave whether it be for financial reasons or cos their are children involved.

aoibhebree

I've cheated (kissing only!), a few times, when I was in my late teens. Mostly on the same guy, but he knew about it. I kept trying to break up with him, he'd beg me to stay, I'd cheat on him, he'd be devastated but still want to stay with me ... this went on for about two months (after we'd been going out about a year) before we finally broke up properly.

Am I proud of my behaviour? Absolutely not. Does it define me as a person? I don't think so.

I was very young and stupid then, messing around, testing boundaries, probably too young to be in a serious relationship anyways - we both were. These people who say "once a cheater, always a cheater", I disagree ... I've been in a few relationships since and never felt tempted; I'm now engaged and can't ever see a situation where either of us would cheat. However I'm not going to be sanctimonious and pretend I go around with blinkers on and don't even notice other men - if I'm on a night out and see a hot guy, I'd actually point him out to my OH - he'd do the same with good-looking girls!! We're both very secure and trust each other completely. I'd prefer to have that kind of honesty than to live in some fairytale where you just stop noticing members of the opposite sex because you're in a relationship.