Any Advice appreciated!

LegacyUser

Hey, im gonna try to be short and sweet here. Met this girl a couple of months ago, through a mutual friend anyway we started going for drinks etc. seemed to be having agood time and talked about alot of fairly intimate stuff, thing is whenever we get down to it she's very stand offish (unless shes had a few) maybe its cos she's a bit shy but
She has just broken up witha longterm boyfriend recently,he did the dirt on her and treated her badly, so maybe it has something to do with that
Ive broached the subject with her i.e. where are we headed, and she has basically said that she does like me but isn't ready for anything,
thing is im running out of patience(poor form i know) but i just really want to know what the deal is, i don't wanna put any pressure on her either and im in a quandry as to what my next move should be?
Any advice would be appreciated here for a very frustrated guy, thanks!

HouseHippo

She has been hurt and is being cautious. Take your time and eventually she will grow to trust you.

LegacyUser

Hey, just an update on this, last week we were hanging out all going well, left her place had a little goodbye kiss and skipped of home thinking that things are going well, (if slowly)
Next day no reply to phone, txts etc. finally another day later I get an facebook message saying that she doesn't want a relationship and that she needs space cos she's "messed up" right now, and that we can be friends if I want
So i told her to take any time she wanted and that there was no pressure on her, to this i still haven't had a reply, just wondering what anyones opinions are here, should I just forget it, contact her again or wait for her to make contact, if anyone has been in a similar situation id be grateful for any input, as i really like this girl and the whole thing is beginning to mess me up!
Thanks

Katgurl

hmm, i've been the girl in this situation & the guy just gave me space, then one morning I woke up & realised i was mad about him.

TBH though, my advice would be to give her the space she wants & get on with your own life. if she seeks you out, great, if not, you haven't been sitting around waiting.

cantdecide

These things happen. Get on with your own life and maybe your paths will cross again.

99% of the time in these situations women will prefer to cut contact though in this case, I wouldn't stay friends. IME, she may want you as crutch...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,
I know I should probably just forget it, and I have said that I wouldn't get on to her again and leave it to her to make contact but the temptation to just call her is huge. I understand she needs time etc. but the change just seemed totally out of the blue and I think there is more to it, i have a feeling the ex is trying to get back with her and she is finding it hard to not go there even tho he seems a really bad egg!
trying to hold firm and not get on to her today, but its tough im thinking i should just have one last throw of the dice.....oh dear, the joys of it all!

Wibbs

Katgurl wrote: »

hmm, i've been the girl in this situation & the guy just gave me space, then one morning I woke up & realised i was mad about him.

TBH though, my advice would be to give her the space she wants & get on with your own life. if she seeks you out, great, if not, you haven't been sitting around waiting.

+1 and by not sitting around waiting you up any chance you have anyway.

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

...the temptation to just call her is huge...the ex is trying to get back....im thinking i should just have one last throw of the dice....

Now's the time to be strong, OP.

If she wants to lay with dogs, then you're probably better off without her. Look after #1...

Queen-Mise

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the replies,
I know I should probably just forget it, and I have said that I wouldn't get on to her again and leave it to her to make contact but the temptation to just call her is huge. I understand she needs time etc. but the change just seemed totally out of the blue and I think there is more to it, i have a feeling the ex is trying to get back with her and she is finding it hard to not go there even tho he seems a really bad egg!
trying to hold firm and not get on to her today, but its tough im thinking i should just have one last throw of the dice.....oh dear, the joys of it all!

Whatever you do, don't contact her. If the ex is giving her stress about getting back together, the last thing she needs is you giving her stress also.

Secondly and this is important - if she likes you, she is probably fighting anything physical happening with you. This makes it very complicated if the ex is still on the picture, as it is very easy to fall back into the familiar.

Give her some space, maybe send her a message of encouragment, but thats it. Definitely continue on with your life, don't wait.

LegacyUser

Ah, I know, but im only guessing here, she's has told me that its finished for good, but let it slip that she may go back to him when she was after a couple, but that was about a month ago, the only reason i think this might be whats happening is cos her attitude seemed to shift so much so fast, i'm thinking he has been trying again,
i mean infairness she's told me from the outset that she wasn't ready for anything but that we could have some fun, i was and am more then happy to go with that but id like to think it would eventually lead to something, i haven't said that to her so the whole i just wanna be friends thing kind of came out of nowhere! especially as we had been getting on so well the night before.
im just venting here now, but i do appreciate the replies, I know i should step back, its just difficult as i really like her and haven't liked anyone for a few years....the path of true love and all that i s'pose....

Wibbs

IMHO even if he's been a git to her and she says it's over, if she still fancies him, she'll keep going back until such times as that need burns out, or she fancies someone more. A few bevvies and she hooks up with him again would for me anyway, back that up.

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

...let it slip that she may go back to him when she was after a couple...

Doesn't say much for her.

Unregistered wrote: »

...she's told me from the outset that she wasn't ready for anything......i was and am more then happy to go with that but id like to think it would eventually lead to something...

You must accept that you made this mistake. If you agreed to something casual and wanted more than you weren't shooting straight.

To her, there was probably never an 'us' and she's figured out that you had feelings for her. She has reacted in the appropriate way and now it's up to you to control your feelings and cut contact.

joanie20

If she is saying you guys can be friends and you do care about her then I would say give it a go as friends. I don't think you should wait around for her to show some interest in having anything more as this will drive you mad (especially cos most girls will never say how they actually feel so you could be waiting a while for her to admit anything)
If the ex is a bad egg it's not your place to intervene so I would advise to let her make her own decisions, be there for her as a friend and get on with your own life. It prob will be tough at first cos you have feelings for her but if something happens, that's great, if not then at least you have her friendship.

TBH I have been the girl in this situation before. I told the guy I was not ready to be with anyone and just wanted to be friends because we did get on really well and I did care bout him. At first this was fine but after a few weeks he kept trying to push things with us to more than friends and I eventually had to stop all contact because he wouldn't listen.

cantdecide

joanie20 wrote: »

....I would say give it a go as friends.......I have been the girl in this situation before.....after a few weeks he kept trying to push things with us to more than friends and I eventually had to stop all contact because he wouldn't listen.

IMO, the first part of your post will jump out like a red rag to a bull to someone in the OPs position.

The second part is the very reason why the first part is unwise.

joanie20

cantdecide wrote: »

IMO, the first part of your post will jump out like a red rag to a bull to someone in the OPs position.

The second part is the very reason why the first part is unwise.

Well if you don't think you would be able to be friends with someone who you have had intimate feelings about then you shouldn't take my advice, and I would agree with above. But personally I would be able to do it so that is just my opinion on what I would do in same situation. I guess it's just down to how much self control you have.

LegacyUser

Well I kind of held firm, texted her over the wkd telling her to give me a bell if she wanted to meet up, no reply for a few hours and when she did she avioded the question really! I was kind of curt myself tho just asked her was she ok and left it at that, she replied saying she was only ok still not really great!
Tried ringing her last night she was on another call, texted me back and after a few back and forths i asked did she want to meet during the week but qualified it by saying there was no hassles if she'd prefer not to, again asked was she feeling better...reply was kind of weird, saying i should stop worrying cos I barely know her, infairness she then said that she didn't mean to be nasty by that but that she was fine!
So anyway we're going to meet tonight or tomorrow for a while...this is probably the worst thing for me to do but i'm not ready to give up on her yet, the more i think about it the more i feel that things were just getting too full on last week and that if we take a step back and not see / talk on a daily basis it might work itself out, then again this could be wishful thinking also.